“When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.” -Maya Angelou

I cannot begin to tell you how humbled I am to receive so many kind words of support from you guys. It took a lot of courage to discuss the problem I shared with you yesterday. I'm still a little embarrassed about it, but I know that because I've shared it, I can be held accountable and I feel a little freer for doing so. I am not one to speak eloquently about the things I discuss in this blog, but writing them out has been very therapeutic for me. I love to write, I love to type, I love what doing this does for me. I've kept a journal for years, probably since around the time I was 17, but that is a private way to express myself. Making a public declaration about how I feel and what I'm doing has had A LOT to do with the way I've changed. To share is to grow. I've grown so much as a person through this venture and I cannot thank all of you enough for helping me get to this point. You may think that leaving a comment, sending a message, or whatever is the best you show me you're listening (and I appreciate it more than you could ever know, keep 'em coming!), but seeing the number of pageviews everytime I log in is what really makes me realize that I'm reaching more people than I ever thought I could. I cannot believe that anyone would be interested in what I'm talking about, I cannot believe anyone would care to read my thoughts. It's so baffling to me that doing something so small like this could make such a huge impact on the way I feel from day to day. I love to write, I always have, and I am so very grateful to have a place to do it now, and that so many people would care to read along.

Speaking of what I talked about yesterday, I would like to elaborate more on the "why" of it.  This was not an activity I did when I was fatter. This is something I've done in the recent past. As in the last few months. I did what I did simply because I love food. I love the way it tastes, I love the way it feels to chew it, I love everything about food, especially sweets. I chewed and spit because I had gotten to a point where I missed these foods so much that I just had to at least taste them. I would feel too guilty to actually consume them and their calories, so I would chew them for the taste and sensation and then spit them out. I felt ashamed every single time I did it, but for some reason could not stop myself. I wish I had never started because it really is a hard habit to break. It becomes so easy to let yourself become consumed by something and food is what consumes me. It is an unfortunate obsession because it can be so harmful. I have such a love-hate relationship with food. I love everything about it and I hate everything about it. I hate that so much of it tastes so good, but so much of it is so bad for you. The foods that I love the most are the ones that will cause me harm. I started C and S because I missed the loves of my life. I have always been addicted to food, and some people have specific reasons for why, such as it takes them back to a certain time, person, event, it's comforting. I do not find this to be true for me. I cannot think of anything in particular that food does for me. I simply love food. I don't blame food for anything because I am the only one to blame for eating the things I shouldn't and the ungodly amounts of it I have consumed over the years.

Food addiction is a serious thing, but do not ever let anyone tell you it's a disease. From the words of my mom: Once you let it become a "disease", you relenquish all responsibility. You are addicted to food because you let yourself be. Yes, the addiction itself is real, but there is no diagnosis for such a thing. You are responsible for feeding the addiction, just like with drugs or alcohol, and you are the one who has to decide that you will break the habit. You are the one who must change your habits and take control of your life. Take it from someone who has done this, it is hard and it is consuming, but once you learn how to control it, your life can only get better. With my sweets addiction, I've learned that if I allow myself something really decadent from time to time, it will help curb this craving and help me not to think about it so much. Like I said yesterday, I will always be addicted to food, I will always struggle with decisions and control, but I have empowered myself enough and learned discipline to keep myself on track. I have taught myself how to change the way I think and act towards food. You can do the same if you really, honestly, truly want to. BUT you are the only person in your life that can change it. You cannot blame anyone else. You are the one who got you where you are and only you and God can pull yourself out.

God is the only force other than myself that has gotten me here. Yes, I've done this for myself, but I could have never done anything close to this without His love and support guiding me. I am just human, I can only do so much for myself. This is why I've never succeeded in losing weight or changing my life before. I had yet to put my full trust in Him to help me achieve it. God is the reason I am where I am, the reason I've been able to do what I've done. If I had tried this completely on my own, I would have failed again. My mom helped me really see that when we talked on our walk last night. I am so blessed to have someone like her in my life to remind me of these things and so blessed to have someone as strong in her faith as she is to guide me. I am nothing without God and his strength through me. I feel that this blog is His way of speaking through me for the first time in my life. I've never been one to speak out about anything really, and I feel that I finally have a platform from which to do so. I've never been very open with people unless they're really close friends. I've always been fairly private and introverted. I don't share with people. This blog has changed that completely. When people talk to me in person now about all of this, I have no problem finding the words to say. I have no problem responding to comments, messages, texts...It's like this have given me the perfect place to practice my skills and I'm now confident in the things I speak about with others. 

Once again, I thank you all for your support and I hope that I can continue to be inspired and inspire others. I appreciate every single one of you :)