"Eyes so transparent that through them the soul is seen." -Gautier

Alright, we're just gonna call this part 3 on the subject I've been discussing for the past few days. I feel the need to elaborate one more time. This post's purpose is to make sure you know that I am so far from perfect. I wanted to let you know that my journey has been far from perfect. Of course I'm happier now than I ever have been in my entire life, but the steps I've had to take to get to this point have pushed me so far to my limits that I've felt overwhelmed several times. I hope that discussing the whole chew and spit issue has shed some light on the fact that it hasn't been just all rainbows and sunshine. It has been easier than I thought it would be, but that doesn't mean that it's been easy at all. I want you to know that I've struggled. I want you to know that I've felt ashamed and embarrassed about certain things. I feel the eyes of judgment upon me every time I eat out with people who know what I'm doing. I feel that I have to keep up appearances even if I've planned for certain foods or meals. I HATE when I'm eating something and someone asks if I should be eating that. Yes, I'm suppose to be eating it! If I'm eating it, chances are I've planned for it! Just let me enjoy something from time to time!...I want you to know that I still struggle with this process daily. I struggle, I struggle, I struggle.

I am so proud of myself for sharing some of these things with the world because I would love more than anything for people to believe that I'm good at this. I would love for people to keep thinking that I've done this with no problems. I would love for this to have been easy. But not really. I'm human. I have issues. I have days or weeks that are more of a struggle than others. Take this week for example. I've had a pulled muscle in my lower back, I've been under the weather, AND (hope this isn't TMI, don't really care..) it's that time of the month. This has not been a good week at all. I've barely exercised. I've been hungrier than ever, and I just wanted to sit around and eat, which I did unfortunately. I fear that I have set myself back a bit this week, but ya know what? I needed it. Sometimes you have to take some time to truly rest. Not just let your body rest, but your mind and your entire being. This was the first time since I started this process that I've taken this much time for myself. AND I didn't feel overwhelmingly guilty for skipping the exercise. Last night, I went on a 2 mile walk with Mom and tonight I did a 1 mile jog to kind of ease my way back into it. The jog tonight was rough, but I expected that. Anyway, back to being candid and transparent. 

I wanted to let you know that your journey to becoming healthy physically or mentally is going to have twists and turns. The road is not going to be this straight and paved path, it's going to rough you up and you're going to have to learn new ways to deal with it and just follow where it's leading you; where God is leading you. None of this is by accident, every issue that is thrown at you is to help you get stronger, it's to help you learn how to absorb these hits. I've found it easier and easier for the past couple of weeks to resist the urge to chew and spit, but I still think about it from time to time. I am hoping that discussing this with you will help you see that I've covered a lot of what I go through up with such positive posts and statuses. I feel like I've maybe been doing you a disservice with this. I want to be more open and honest with you from now on about what I'm going through. Yes, I will continue to spread my positivity because that is such a large part of my personality now, but I will not fail to include the ugly side of my life from now on. I think it will help balance out my feelings in general and help you to find comfort in knowing that if you're going through something negative, I can most likely empathize with you. I know what it's like. It has not been perfect for me. IT HAS NOT BEEN PERFECT FOR ME. I think that these past three posts have served as the equivalent of me cathartically screaming out in declaration that this is has been hard on me, that my life is not perfect.... Feels good. 

I want you to know that talking about these things has brought me great relief. By sharing it in my writing and knowing my mom reads it has helped me open up with her in person even more. I hope you all keep reading because I'm going to keep writing regardless. This has been better than any form of therapy I could ever hope to receive. :)