"There is only one you for all time. Fearlessly be yourself." -Anthony Rapp

So, I had every intention of writing out a play-by-play of my morning's thoughts about food and do you know what I realized?...I would literally have to sit and type constantly...ain't nobody got time fa dat! So here's the cliff's notes of the entire day: 7:30am- first thought waking up = I need to eat that banana before getting ready. 11:00pm- I can't wait to eat when I wake up tomorrow. All other times in between, I think about my next meal or snack. That about sums it up. I think about it way too often. Sad, but true. While I do occasionally ;) focus on my job and take care of these precious kids, my thoughts are occupied by food for the most part. I will say that it has gotten a lot better over the past couple of months, but I still wish that I could just suppress the thoughts. I would have a much easier time of living if I could just stop that! I don't know if other people have the same problem I do, I don't know if I'm just crazy, but I do know that it is something that I have to deal with and it is something that will be present in my life forever. I may learn how to quiet them to some degree, but I know it will never fully go away.

Last night, before falling asleep, I did have some other thoughts. I was thinking about this blog. I was thinking about how it surprises me that people think that I'm just being so open and transparent. I never set out to be that way. It never occurred to me that I was being that way. I was just writing what I was thinking, what I was feeling. I never thought about the fact that I was letting people into my life. I didn't think about the fact that I was opening myself up to people. This is probably because I didn't think anyone would really read this thing, but I've been pleasantly surprised. Now that I'm aware of how many people read this and keep up, I feel like I have to keep up what I've done from the beginning. I feel that if I don't continue to be myself and to be honest and open, I will be doing myself and others a disservice. I have absolutely no problem doing that, I just find it odd that this has become what it has and that people appreciate my candidness. I'm just trying to be me and I'm glad that others have found it to be admirable.

This blog has become a place for me to share a piece of myself, it has become a platform for writing, it has become something for me to dedicate myself to, it has become a place for me to reach out and help others. I was never one to be able to do something like that, as in I was pretty selfish. I was slightly self-centered before, and I feel now that I can focus on others as much as I focus myself and still feel like I'm getting 'me' out there to others. I can sit and listen to someone else talk for hours if they want someone to confide in. I feel like I can give myself to others in the same way that I want them to give themselves to me. This blog is still not totally and completely me, and what I mean by that is that this blog is not all that I am:

If you know me well in person, you know that I can be loud, I'm pretty sarcastic, I love to laugh, I love to talk, I love hugs, I love human contact, I love conversation, I love getting to know people, I'm not as shy as I once was, I love going out and having fun, I love driving or just riding around in a car with my closest friends and talking, I love and thrive on music and performing, I'm very affected by music, I am a movie buff, I love t.v., and I love food. That last part is a part of me here and in person, no matter what. No, this blog doesn't reveal the full spectrum of Rachel, but I now know that I can be myself in both areas. I can be the Rachel I need to be here and be the Rachel I want to be in person. I know that the right people are going to accept me and love me no matter what version of me they're getting. I'm proud of both versions and I'm so grateful that others are finding me to be someone they can trust and listen to. I so wish that I could speak to everyone who reads this in person on a daily basis, but since I can't, I trust in my writing to speak to you for me. However, if you truly know me as a person, you know that both of these Rachels are one and the same. There is only one me and I'm without effort now allowing myself to let all aspects of Rachel shine through. It shouldn't be hard work to let yourself be known to others. If it is, then you're not being you. Being you should be effortless because you are beautiful and being you is the best thing you can do for yourself. No matter how many sides of you there are, all of those sides and versions are still connected in the center of yourself. You're only one person no matter how hard you may try to be everything to everyone, so just make life easier for yourself.

I know that the past few entries have been laiden with heavy subjects, but there are so many things I feel that I need to discuss! I promise to get back to talking about the actual weight-loss process as soon as I really get back into that mode. I'm still at the same weight that I have been for weeks, and I feel that after the past few days of doing really well, I'll be pushing past it very soon. I have confidence in myself to push. I feel that I'm getting well enough again (health-wise) to exercise like I once was and I know that I can continue to eat well and progress. I just wanted to take the time to thank each and every one of you for putting up with my ranting ;)