"Ride the energy of your own unique spirit." -Roth

"Learn to be what you are, and learn to resign with good grace all that you are not." -Gabrielle Roth

In my post from two days ago, I talked about how feeling good on the outside can make you feel good on the inside. But I want to retouch that because I never want anyone to think that I'm happy solely because of the fact that I'm smaller or because of compliments from people. I'm happy now because I have finally met the real me. I'm happy now because I've done something that I can actually be proud of. I truly believe from experience that if you feel confident and happy about yourself, you're going to be happier all around. If you are already happy with the way you are, then more power to ya! I'm truly, honestly happy for you! I am simply writing this blog to share with others what this journey has done for me. If you choose to follow in my footsteps and do the same, then that's great. But if you're happy with yourself, that's amazing and I'm so, deeply thrilled for you. I, personally, was not happy when I was bigger. I was hidden, I was hiding. I wasn't myself 100% of the time. I didn't know who I was. This journey and writing this blog has brought me further out of my shell, it has boosted my confidence, and not just because of others' comments, but because I look in the mirror and I like what I see. I read and hear the kind words from you guys about my writing and I'm amazed that people actually read it, much less get something out of it.

I'm happier now because I'm proud of myself. I'm happier because of all that I've accomplished, because I feel proud about my life now. I've turned my life around, I've changed the way I live. My post from two days ago about outward appearance was to promote this feeling of confidence, not to tell you that if you look bad, you won't succeed. I was merely stating that, from my experience, I tend to feel better and adopt a more positive attitude when I feel good about the way I look. Most girls will tell you the same. I write this blog for myself and for those who have asked me for advice or for help. I don't write this to try to convince or persuade anyone to do this or that. I do this because it has become one of the contributors of what makes me happy.

Today I'm going to talk about being yourself and staying true to who you are. It has taken a long time and a lot of soul searching to get to this point...All of my life, I've been a follower, not a leader. I've always just gone along with whatever people do, whatever they tell me to do, I didn't really feel like my own mind or my own thoughts were ever heard. I always tried my hardest to just fit in. Being "normal" was always my goal. I just wanted to float along with everyone else and not stand out. In all honesty, I truly did not know who I was. I had never really thought to explore the inner-workings of myself. I always knew I was a little different, a little quirky. Quirky. I think that's the best word to describe my personality. I am weird, but not in that crazy loner, stop eating the paste weird. No, I think I'm just a little different. I'm someone who would rather watch t.v. or movies than hang out with people most of the time, someone who would rather eat brownies than a steak, someone who loves to write, someone who is in love with love but has never been in love, someone who is a hopeless romantic, someone who loves a happy ending but loves to cry, someone who is incredibly sensitive but rarely lets people outside of her family see her cry. I'm someone who loves attention but would never really admit to it, someone who loves to perform but is still, in all honesty, pretty shy. I'm the kind of person who loves to be alone, but often feels lonely. I'm a walking contradiction most of the time. I have strong opinions that I often keep to myself. I wish more than anything that I could just sing for the rest of my life and never have a real job. I am the kind of person that thrives on not being tied down to something. I'm like no one I've ever met. I never knew how to let that person out in the world. I never knew how to let others meet her. Yes, I've changed in so many ways, but, for the most part, I'm still very much myself in these respects.

I'm now someone who loves to be around people (though not all of the time), someone who doesn't mind standing up in front of a crowd of people, someone who enjoys waking up early, someone who loves to dress up, someone who loves to help others, someone who can discipline herself, someone who works hard, someone who has become social while still battling social-anxiety. Oh yes, I've changed. Though, I don't know if I actually changed or if the real me has surfaced. I think that if I'd been happier with myself and accepted myself earlier, these things would have been present all along. I like myself now, for the first time, I like myself. Quirkiness, weirdness, uniqueness and all. Now that I can see myself as I've always wanted to view myself, I feel free. I don't mind standing out now, because I know its for positive reasons, because I don't feel judged anymore. Yes, I'm strange, but we all are. No two people are exactly the same and that's the way God designed it. He didn't create us all equally, He created us as individuals. We have different DNA for a reason. We have different appearances for a reason. We all have different personalities. Sure, some people are alike, or they may be very similar or compatible, but never exactly the same.

Take me and my best friend, for example. Me and Ashley, or BooBear as I refer to her, are incredibly similar. We like so many of the same things, love spending time together, and we often say that we are the same person. However, we are so very different in several aspects. I love her dearly and I accept her as she is, just as she accepts me as I am. That's all you can ask for in this world. A friend who will tell you like it is, a friend that always has your back, a friend that takes all of the bad with the good. If you stay true to yourself, the people God wants you to have in your life will find their way in. Better yet, he will place them in your path to be picked up for the ride. Being fake in order to win someone over is not only deceitful, its also doing yourself and others a disservice. Trying to keep up appearances and attempting to be someone you're not is going to take its toll on you. Trust me. All throughout my life, I tried so hard to make people think I was a certain way or that I liked certain things.

When I was around 15, I found a group of friends that truly accepted me for me. These 4 girls changed the way I saw myself and the way I felt about myself. They made me feel loved and appreciated (not that my family didn't already do that, its just different coming from friends). Trying too hard can be exhausting, so as soon as I found these friends, I felt that sigh of relief. But, I still didn't feel 100% myself 100% of the time. I could let them see me for the most part, but I still didn't feel completely at ease with who I was. I was still pretty shy, pretty self-conscious, but they knew that I loved them and we had so much fun together. I will always be grateful to them for letting me in and loving me. I still hang out with one of them fairly regularly, and we join the other two almost every Christmas for a little reunion, cookie decorating, Grinch viewing party. I love those girls :)

However, it was not until college that I really began to dig deeper and find Rachel. And if we're really getting down to it, I didn't truly find her until very recently. In the past year, I've learned so much about myself. I've learned that I can be myself and the right people are going to love me for it. If someone doesn't see how great I am, then they're not worth my time. Simple as that. This has really become very apparent in dating world for me. I was, unfortunately, one of those girls who kind of changed with each prospective guy. I wanted to conform to what said guy was interested in with hopes of winning him over. I don't think I was ever honestly just me with any of them, which is obviously a dumb way to go about dating. If he initially thinks one way about you and likes you for it, what's he gonna do when you start acting like yourself? He's gonna lose interest. False advertising. Period. Since learning how to be picky and not jumping at every chance with an interested guy, I've learned to present myself in a way that actually shows who I am. I don't find it difficult to be me, I don't find it difficult to keep up conversation, I don't find it difficult to be honest. I don't feel the need to agree with his opinions, I don't feel stupid for expressing my own. I don't feel like I have to hide who I am. I can talk about myself without feeling awkward. I'm not embarrassed to talk about me because I actually know who "me" is. I don't feel the need to try to keep something going when it is obviously not right. And if it doesn't work out, it no longer devestates me. I used to let it affect me greatly when rejected by a guy, but now I can finally let go of that and realize that its not really a personal hit, its just that this guy obviously knows that I'm not the "one" and that's ok. If its not right, its not right. I'll find him when I'm supposed to. God already has him picked out. Heck, he created him for me, I'm just still waiting to meet him :)

What I'm trying to say is that its OK to be yourself. Don't let the world dictate how you think should look or how you think you should feel. Like I said, if you like the way you look, that's awesome and I'm jealous that you figured it out before I did. Whatever size you are, whatever your face looks like, whatever color your hair is, whatever clothes you wear; as long as you like you, as long as you're happy with yourself, you're going to be just fine. You're going to succeed because confidence will get you far, not because of how you look, but because of how you project the way you feel about how you look. But until you find yourself, trust in your inner-beauty to do the talking, and realize your confidence, you're probably going to struggle.

Be yourself at all times. Don't try to be someone you know that you're not. You are amazing no matter what and you should never let anyone tell you you're not worth it. If they can't see who you are and love you for it, move on. Don't change to try to please them. Give yourself to people who embrace your 'youness'. Be honest with yourself, be honest with others, and you'll be so much happier. If you're weird, you're weird. Don't let that hold you back because it is in no way a flaw. Don't let you get in your own way. I did for far too long, and I'm now trying to make up for lost time. Not many people know the real Rachel and I'm trying my darndest to let more people in to meet her. I can see now that being myself is a positive thing, its actually the best thing I can do for myself. If that means working hard, exercising, losing weight, and dressing up in order to do so, then I'm OK with that. You do what you have to do to reach that point. If what I did works for you, do it. If not, find the best strategy in order to do so. I can't tell you what to do, I can only share with you how I've come to this turning point in my life.

So, focus on what you actually are and work to make that its best. As Ms. Garland once said, "Always be a first-rate version of yourself and not a second-rate version of someone else." Trying to be someone else is a lie. Find that first-rate version of you. That's what I've done and I encourage all of you to find out who you are and embrace it. There's nothing more beautiful than you being you. Its your choice. Be beautiful.