Guest post from my Mommy :)

<sup>The Battle Belongs to the Lord

48</sup> As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. ⁴⁹ Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell facedown on the ground.

⁵⁰ So David triumphed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone; without a sword in his hand he struck down the Philistine and killed him.

⁵¹ David ran and stood over him. He took hold of the Philistine’s sword and drew it from the sheath. After he killed him, he cut off his head with the sword. ^{1 Samuel 17:48-51}

Hi! I’m Susie LaFollette, Rachel’s mom. Isn’t she awesome?!  She asked me to write a piece to share with you about my journey with food, and let me tell you, it is a love/hate relationship! I love food, but hate that I have to battle something that we need in order to live. I love everything about food; the taste, the feel, the social aspects, etc… I am a Southern Baptist preacher’s daughter and we like food! I am an addict and this has been an epic battle, one of which I have been fighting since childhood. 

When I became a Christian at the age of 21, I was still fighting this battle every second of every day. However, I learned quickly that, as a Christian, the war has already been won, and that the daily battle belongs to the Lord! Now, learning to claim that and live that after a lifetime of bad habits is another thing entirely! That’s where trust in God and the power of choice is of monumental importance. I am truly blessed to have Christian parents who brought me up in the church and taught me biblical principals just by example. I was also very blessed to have been given wise Christian friends along the way to teach me once I became a Christian. Early on in my walk, I had a precious lady who discipled me for twenty years, Dianne Nelson. One of the first principals she taught me was that we all have giants in our lives, some we don’t even realize are there because we’ve been living with them for so long. Or we may know the giant is there and think we are powerless to kill it! As Christians, we have the same power that created the universe living within us to slay these giants! Like David, a boy who was a seemingly unlikely conqueror of giants, I have learned to rely completely on my Heavenly Father to do what I am totally incapable of doing with my own power and strength. Its all about choosing to do the right thing or not. It really is that black and white. This applies to all areas in our lives, but especially in the food/war department! Also, like David, we have tools to slay the giant, such as knowledge of what works with your particular body, researching what is good to eat, learning portion control, healthy cooking methods, prepping food for the next day, knowing how to deal with upcoming “land mines” such as eating out, or unexpected social situations and how to avoid the potential pitfalls in them, etc…..However, the greatest “tool” is relying on God to do it through me. 

It actually helps me to visualize David slaying Goliath, who was taunting him from across the way, the same way that food does to me! I can now say that I have conquered this last big giant that is food addiction in my life! I give all of the credit to Jesus, my savior, for any and all success. During the last 20 years, I have lost 100 lbs and need to lose another 40. I’ve lost 40 lbs since February of this year and am now off of Diabetes and High Blood Pressure medication. I am resolved that this will be a daily battle until I go home to be with the Lord. BUT, because I choose to trust and rely on Him for all of my power and strength, I know that I can finish this race and truly treat my body as the temple that houses Him. The pay-off? Good health and well-being, and He is glorified! GIANT SLAIN!



Well guys, there you have it, some words of wisdom from Mama LaFollette. I hope that her words will help to inspire you even further to get where you want to go. And to quote her, "Its about the journey, not the destination." She has been saying this to me for years now, and until recently, I never truly understood why that's so important. Sure, I'm going to be happy when at my goal, I'll be relieved, but I won't ever forget the amazing process of actually reaching it. I'm learning so much about myself and about life, lessons and experiences I'm not sure I would have discovered otherwise. I love you, Mom, and I am SO very grateful to have been blessed with a friend and role model like you! :)

My sister Hannah (25), Mom, and me.

And one last thing:

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! She went to work as Ursula today :)

"There is only one you for all time. Fearlessly be yourself." -Anthony Rapp

So, I had every intention of writing out a play-by-play of my morning's thoughts about food and do you know what I realized?...I would literally have to sit and type constantly...ain't nobody got time fa dat! So here's the cliff's notes of the entire day: 7:30am- first thought waking up = I need to eat that banana before getting ready. 11:00pm- I can't wait to eat when I wake up tomorrow. All other times in between, I think about my next meal or snack. That about sums it up. I think about it way too often. Sad, but true. While I do occasionally ;) focus on my job and take care of these precious kids, my thoughts are occupied by food for the most part. I will say that it has gotten a lot better over the past couple of months, but I still wish that I could just suppress the thoughts. I would have a much easier time of living if I could just stop that! I don't know if other people have the same problem I do, I don't know if I'm just crazy, but I do know that it is something that I have to deal with and it is something that will be present in my life forever. I may learn how to quiet them to some degree, but I know it will never fully go away.

Last night, before falling asleep, I did have some other thoughts. I was thinking about this blog. I was thinking about how it surprises me that people think that I'm just being so open and transparent. I never set out to be that way. It never occurred to me that I was being that way. I was just writing what I was thinking, what I was feeling. I never thought about the fact that I was letting people into my life. I didn't think about the fact that I was opening myself up to people. This is probably because I didn't think anyone would really read this thing, but I've been pleasantly surprised. Now that I'm aware of how many people read this and keep up, I feel like I have to keep up what I've done from the beginning. I feel that if I don't continue to be myself and to be honest and open, I will be doing myself and others a disservice. I have absolutely no problem doing that, I just find it odd that this has become what it has and that people appreciate my candidness. I'm just trying to be me and I'm glad that others have found it to be admirable.

This blog has become a place for me to share a piece of myself, it has become a platform for writing, it has become something for me to dedicate myself to, it has become a place for me to reach out and help others. I was never one to be able to do something like that, as in I was pretty selfish. I was slightly self-centered before, and I feel now that I can focus on others as much as I focus myself and still feel like I'm getting 'me' out there to others. I can sit and listen to someone else talk for hours if they want someone to confide in. I feel like I can give myself to others in the same way that I want them to give themselves to me. This blog is still not totally and completely me, and what I mean by that is that this blog is not all that I am:

If you know me well in person, you know that I can be loud, I'm pretty sarcastic, I love to laugh, I love to talk, I love hugs, I love human contact, I love conversation, I love getting to know people, I'm not as shy as I once was, I love going out and having fun, I love driving or just riding around in a car with my closest friends and talking, I love and thrive on music and performing, I'm very affected by music, I am a movie buff, I love t.v., and I love food. That last part is a part of me here and in person, no matter what. No, this blog doesn't reveal the full spectrum of Rachel, but I now know that I can be myself in both areas. I can be the Rachel I need to be here and be the Rachel I want to be in person. I know that the right people are going to accept me and love me no matter what version of me they're getting. I'm proud of both versions and I'm so grateful that others are finding me to be someone they can trust and listen to. I so wish that I could speak to everyone who reads this in person on a daily basis, but since I can't, I trust in my writing to speak to you for me. However, if you truly know me as a person, you know that both of these Rachels are one and the same. There is only one me and I'm without effort now allowing myself to let all aspects of Rachel shine through. It shouldn't be hard work to let yourself be known to others. If it is, then you're not being you. Being you should be effortless because you are beautiful and being you is the best thing you can do for yourself. No matter how many sides of you there are, all of those sides and versions are still connected in the center of yourself. You're only one person no matter how hard you may try to be everything to everyone, so just make life easier for yourself.

I know that the past few entries have been laiden with heavy subjects, but there are so many things I feel that I need to discuss! I promise to get back to talking about the actual weight-loss process as soon as I really get back into that mode. I'm still at the same weight that I have been for weeks, and I feel that after the past few days of doing really well, I'll be pushing past it very soon. I have confidence in myself to push. I feel that I'm getting well enough again (health-wise) to exercise like I once was and I know that I can continue to eat well and progress. I just wanted to take the time to thank each and every one of you for putting up with my ranting ;)

"A problem is a chance for you to do your best." -Duke Ellington

First of all, GO GIANTS!!! World Series sweep, 2012 World Champions! I'm so proud of my boys! :) Now, if only we could get my other boys with the Braves to keep it together longer during the regular season next year....Love my Braves, but it sure does feel good to also be a fan of a winning team ;)

Now, down to business. I've proven to myself now that I can control my eating habits and still have fun. I talked to you yesterday about how my weekend was, but now I want to talk about why I'm so proud of it. I have been weak too many times on weekends and especially weekends out of town. I don't completely disregard the diet at any time, but its so very easy to forget about the goal in the heat of a moment. Its so easy to give in to temptation when something so yummy is staring you down, asking to be eaten. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm a food addict. I love food, I love the act of eating food, I love the taste of food, I love the way that food feels. I love everything about it. I hate that about myself, but because I know I can control it, I have come to terms with it and accepted the fact that I'm going to have to battle it for the rest of my life. 

Having a weekend like this one was something that I sorely needed. I needed to prove to myself that I am still strong and can contain my love of food. I needed to have fun and I needed to be with friends, and I did all of it while keeping myself in check. I could have easily ordered terrible things in restaurants, I could have eaten so much bread and sandwiches, I could have had desserts, I could have had countless bowls of cereal at my sister's apartment where I stayed. But I didn't. I could have, but I didn't. From this point on, anytime I'm feeling a moment of weakness, I can look back on this particular weekend and remind myself of how amazing it felt to come home, step on the scale, and not feel overwhelming guilt and frustration. I can think back and know that I can do it. I have done it. I'll do it again. 

I can't begin to express how amazing this feeling is. Its not just about the food, its about feeling successful. Everytime I win a small battle like this, I'm reminded that I have to take it one fight at a time. I have to pace myself and realize that this is still difficult and will continue to be. I have to remember that I can only take it one day at a time. Yes, I do plan ahead with my meals and such, but you can only plan so far. Sometimes things come up and you have to change the plan. Sometimes that's for the best. When I have to change my plans, it gets me thinking more intensely about what I have to do. There is no mindless eating when I'm thrown off the plan. I do love a routine, and I love having my day's food already picked out, but I also love hanging out with friends. I love getting out of my house and seeing beautiful Fall days like yesterday. I love being spontaneous. Before, I was never one for spontaneity. If, in my mind, I'd told myself that I'm not doing anything today, that was the way it was gonna be. There was no changing my mind. If I had planned to sit around and be lazy, nothing and no one could force me out of my bed. Today, I was having one of those days, but BooBear called me and asked me to join her at the Botanical Gardens to take pictures. At first, I was reluctant, but after thinking for a minute, I decided that my time would be better spent outdoors rather than in my dark, comfy room. It helps that I found out I didn't have to work today, so I had another chance to be lazy, but still...I got out of bed, got dressed up, and had a great time on this little photoshoot. Of course, that was mostly due to the great company :) 

I still can't believe that I can look back on my life and see how different I am and how happy I am. I never dreamed that I could be this happy. I was, unfortunately, formerly one of those girls who thought that happiness depended on being in love or finding the right guy, but now I can see that my life is absolutely wonderful and that I am so incredibly fortunate to be where I am, blessed to have all of the amazing people I love who love me, and blessed to have God leading me down the path that I should have always been on. It just took me too long to realize how wonderful my life is and that His plan unfolds precisely as he designed it. I've taken too many things for granted for far too long and, now that I can visualize what's in front of me, I can see that I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I have nothing to bring me down. I am the only barrier in my life, and now that I know how to burst through the wall and have learned how to let that guard fall when I need to, I can see that I'm a strong young woman who is happy to be alive and happy to continue leading the life I want to lead it. I'm not the one in control, and, the older that I get, the more I realize that I'm not the one running the show. I can make decisions and choices, but no matter what, He is the one leading me. He is the one who is sending me where I'm going.

I enjoy writing this blog so much, and I am thrilled to be able to share with the world a piece of myself. In my next post, I'm going to do a play-by-play "day in the life" entry. This post will not be just a list of the things I eat that day, it will be a play-by-play of the thoughts I have in regards to food and eating. I want to show you just how addicted to food I am. You'll see how much I think about it, how much I focus on it, and how much if affects me. Warning: it may surprise you.


And Coming soon, I'm going to have my Mommy write a guest post so that all of you can experience the words of wisdom that I am blessed to hear on a daily basis. She's an amazing woman and has several more years of experience with the weight-loss journey than I do, and I can't wait for you to read what she has to say about it to you guys :)

One last thing: Its gettin' chilly out, want to drink some delicious hot cocoa without all the calories? 

In a small pot, combine 1 cup Silk Original Unsweetened Almond Milk, 1/2 a tbsp Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate powder, and sugar substitute. Stir on medium heat until all is melted and blended. Do not bring to a boil, just to steamed, heated through. 35 calories :) Ya welcome.

I enjoyed some last night in a precious punkin' mug before the game started:

“Live and work but do not forget to play, to have fun in life and really enjoy it.” -Eileen Caddy

I went out of town again this weekend and let me tell you, I was much more successful in my eating habits and keeping myself under control. Actually, when I got on the scale this morning, I was pleasantly surprised to find that I had gotten back down to where I was a couple of weeks ago. I think the combination of doing well last week and not going crazy this time really helped. I did enjoy some really awesome food and no, I didn't exercise, but concentrating on my portions and what I was consuming did the trick. I'm so unbelievably proud of myself. 

In all honesty, I was kind of beginning to half-way think that I just wasn't going to be able to finish this journey. I know, I know, queen of all positivity and confidence in weight-loss doubting herself. I'm ashamed of even letting myself think that, but its the truth and I've made a promise to all of you to be completely honest at all times. After last weekend and the week before that, I was so down on myself for letting it get so bad, but now, after not seeing it in a long time, that I can have a great weekend filled with fun, friends, and food and not set myself back, I feel even more confident in the fact that I can finish this. I know that I can continue on this path and be successful. 

I'm still kind of sick with the sinus issues, but I feel fine. I'm not sure how running will be this week with that going on plus the added factor of super cold wind! (Hello, Fall. So nice of you to join us.) I've yet to try running in cold weather, so I'm not sure how I'm going to do, but the point is that I'm going to do it anyway. I know that breathing in cold air like that hurts (experience in that department from marching guard in cold weather months, running around, spinning my flag, all while trying to keep a smile on my face..). I can't not do it, I will do it. I'm going to do it. Starting tomorrow. :) I'm still kind of recovering from lack of sleep over the weekend, so my body is still catching up with itself. But tomorrow. Tomorrow its on. I'm pushing to the end now. I've let myself enjoy some things over the past couple of weeks that I normally don't allow myself to have. I feel that I've gotten a lot of that out of my system for a while and that I can just get back to this task. I can focus on what I need to do and do it with a smile on my face! :D

Once again, I want to thank all of you for reading what I write. I've now reached over 2,000 page views and that just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I appreciate all of you and your kind words! You help me just as much as I (apparently) have been helping you and I feel so blessed to be having this experience! <3

"Ride the energy of your own unique spirit." -Roth

"Learn to be what you are, and learn to resign with good grace all that you are not." -Gabrielle Roth

In my post from two days ago, I talked about how feeling good on the outside can make you feel good on the inside. But I want to retouch that because I never want anyone to think that I'm happy solely because of the fact that I'm smaller or because of compliments from people. I'm happy now because I have finally met the real me. I'm happy now because I've done something that I can actually be proud of. I truly believe from experience that if you feel confident and happy about yourself, you're going to be happier all around. If you are already happy with the way you are, then more power to ya! I'm truly, honestly happy for you! I am simply writing this blog to share with others what this journey has done for me. If you choose to follow in my footsteps and do the same, then that's great. But if you're happy with yourself, that's amazing and I'm so, deeply thrilled for you. I, personally, was not happy when I was bigger. I was hidden, I was hiding. I wasn't myself 100% of the time. I didn't know who I was. This journey and writing this blog has brought me further out of my shell, it has boosted my confidence, and not just because of others' comments, but because I look in the mirror and I like what I see. I read and hear the kind words from you guys about my writing and I'm amazed that people actually read it, much less get something out of it.

I'm happier now because I'm proud of myself. I'm happier because of all that I've accomplished, because I feel proud about my life now. I've turned my life around, I've changed the way I live. My post from two days ago about outward appearance was to promote this feeling of confidence, not to tell you that if you look bad, you won't succeed. I was merely stating that, from my experience, I tend to feel better and adopt a more positive attitude when I feel good about the way I look. Most girls will tell you the same. I write this blog for myself and for those who have asked me for advice or for help. I don't write this to try to convince or persuade anyone to do this or that. I do this because it has become one of the contributors of what makes me happy.

Today I'm going to talk about being yourself and staying true to who you are. It has taken a long time and a lot of soul searching to get to this point...All of my life, I've been a follower, not a leader. I've always just gone along with whatever people do, whatever they tell me to do, I didn't really feel like my own mind or my own thoughts were ever heard. I always tried my hardest to just fit in. Being "normal" was always my goal. I just wanted to float along with everyone else and not stand out. In all honesty, I truly did not know who I was. I had never really thought to explore the inner-workings of myself. I always knew I was a little different, a little quirky. Quirky. I think that's the best word to describe my personality. I am weird, but not in that crazy loner, stop eating the paste weird. No, I think I'm just a little different. I'm someone who would rather watch t.v. or movies than hang out with people most of the time, someone who would rather eat brownies than a steak, someone who loves to write, someone who is in love with love but has never been in love, someone who is a hopeless romantic, someone who loves a happy ending but loves to cry, someone who is incredibly sensitive but rarely lets people outside of her family see her cry. I'm someone who loves attention but would never really admit to it, someone who loves to perform but is still, in all honesty, pretty shy. I'm the kind of person who loves to be alone, but often feels lonely. I'm a walking contradiction most of the time. I have strong opinions that I often keep to myself. I wish more than anything that I could just sing for the rest of my life and never have a real job. I am the kind of person that thrives on not being tied down to something. I'm like no one I've ever met. I never knew how to let that person out in the world. I never knew how to let others meet her. Yes, I've changed in so many ways, but, for the most part, I'm still very much myself in these respects.

I'm now someone who loves to be around people (though not all of the time), someone who doesn't mind standing up in front of a crowd of people, someone who enjoys waking up early, someone who loves to dress up, someone who loves to help others, someone who can discipline herself, someone who works hard, someone who has become social while still battling social-anxiety. Oh yes, I've changed. Though, I don't know if I actually changed or if the real me has surfaced. I think that if I'd been happier with myself and accepted myself earlier, these things would have been present all along. I like myself now, for the first time, I like myself. Quirkiness, weirdness, uniqueness and all. Now that I can see myself as I've always wanted to view myself, I feel free. I don't mind standing out now, because I know its for positive reasons, because I don't feel judged anymore. Yes, I'm strange, but we all are. No two people are exactly the same and that's the way God designed it. He didn't create us all equally, He created us as individuals. We have different DNA for a reason. We have different appearances for a reason. We all have different personalities. Sure, some people are alike, or they may be very similar or compatible, but never exactly the same.

Take me and my best friend, for example. Me and Ashley, or BooBear as I refer to her, are incredibly similar. We like so many of the same things, love spending time together, and we often say that we are the same person. However, we are so very different in several aspects. I love her dearly and I accept her as she is, just as she accepts me as I am. That's all you can ask for in this world. A friend who will tell you like it is, a friend that always has your back, a friend that takes all of the bad with the good. If you stay true to yourself, the people God wants you to have in your life will find their way in. Better yet, he will place them in your path to be picked up for the ride. Being fake in order to win someone over is not only deceitful, its also doing yourself and others a disservice. Trying to keep up appearances and attempting to be someone you're not is going to take its toll on you. Trust me. All throughout my life, I tried so hard to make people think I was a certain way or that I liked certain things.

When I was around 15, I found a group of friends that truly accepted me for me. These 4 girls changed the way I saw myself and the way I felt about myself. They made me feel loved and appreciated (not that my family didn't already do that, its just different coming from friends). Trying too hard can be exhausting, so as soon as I found these friends, I felt that sigh of relief. But, I still didn't feel 100% myself 100% of the time. I could let them see me for the most part, but I still didn't feel completely at ease with who I was. I was still pretty shy, pretty self-conscious, but they knew that I loved them and we had so much fun together. I will always be grateful to them for letting me in and loving me. I still hang out with one of them fairly regularly, and we join the other two almost every Christmas for a little reunion, cookie decorating, Grinch viewing party. I love those girls :)

However, it was not until college that I really began to dig deeper and find Rachel. And if we're really getting down to it, I didn't truly find her until very recently. In the past year, I've learned so much about myself. I've learned that I can be myself and the right people are going to love me for it. If someone doesn't see how great I am, then they're not worth my time. Simple as that. This has really become very apparent in dating world for me. I was, unfortunately, one of those girls who kind of changed with each prospective guy. I wanted to conform to what said guy was interested in with hopes of winning him over. I don't think I was ever honestly just me with any of them, which is obviously a dumb way to go about dating. If he initially thinks one way about you and likes you for it, what's he gonna do when you start acting like yourself? He's gonna lose interest. False advertising. Period. Since learning how to be picky and not jumping at every chance with an interested guy, I've learned to present myself in a way that actually shows who I am. I don't find it difficult to be me, I don't find it difficult to keep up conversation, I don't find it difficult to be honest. I don't feel the need to agree with his opinions, I don't feel stupid for expressing my own. I don't feel like I have to hide who I am. I can talk about myself without feeling awkward. I'm not embarrassed to talk about me because I actually know who "me" is. I don't feel the need to try to keep something going when it is obviously not right. And if it doesn't work out, it no longer devestates me. I used to let it affect me greatly when rejected by a guy, but now I can finally let go of that and realize that its not really a personal hit, its just that this guy obviously knows that I'm not the "one" and that's ok. If its not right, its not right. I'll find him when I'm supposed to. God already has him picked out. Heck, he created him for me, I'm just still waiting to meet him :)

What I'm trying to say is that its OK to be yourself. Don't let the world dictate how you think should look or how you think you should feel. Like I said, if you like the way you look, that's awesome and I'm jealous that you figured it out before I did. Whatever size you are, whatever your face looks like, whatever color your hair is, whatever clothes you wear; as long as you like you, as long as you're happy with yourself, you're going to be just fine. You're going to succeed because confidence will get you far, not because of how you look, but because of how you project the way you feel about how you look. But until you find yourself, trust in your inner-beauty to do the talking, and realize your confidence, you're probably going to struggle.

Be yourself at all times. Don't try to be someone you know that you're not. You are amazing no matter what and you should never let anyone tell you you're not worth it. If they can't see who you are and love you for it, move on. Don't change to try to please them. Give yourself to people who embrace your 'youness'. Be honest with yourself, be honest with others, and you'll be so much happier. If you're weird, you're weird. Don't let that hold you back because it is in no way a flaw. Don't let you get in your own way. I did for far too long, and I'm now trying to make up for lost time. Not many people know the real Rachel and I'm trying my darndest to let more people in to meet her. I can see now that being myself is a positive thing, its actually the best thing I can do for myself. If that means working hard, exercising, losing weight, and dressing up in order to do so, then I'm OK with that. You do what you have to do to reach that point. If what I did works for you, do it. If not, find the best strategy in order to do so. I can't tell you what to do, I can only share with you how I've come to this turning point in my life.

So, focus on what you actually are and work to make that its best. As Ms. Garland once said, "Always be a first-rate version of yourself and not a second-rate version of someone else." Trying to be someone else is a lie. Find that first-rate version of you. That's what I've done and I encourage all of you to find out who you are and embrace it. There's nothing more beautiful than you being you. Its your choice. Be beautiful.

“There is no love sincerer than the love of food.” -Shaw

So, I've come to realize that I've let too many not-so-great food items creep back into my life. In the beginning, I ate only healthy things. I rarely ever ate bread, I didn't eat sweets, I just ate really healthy foods. Over time, I began to discover low-calorie options for foods that I used to eat, such as bread, cereal, prepared meals, etc. My weight loss progress has slowed significantly, and yes, a lot of that can be contributed to the fact that I'm smaller and pounds come off more slowly towards the end, but that's not all it is. I've talked about eating a good calorie diet versus a low calorie diet and I've somehow let myself slip into just a low calorie diet....

My big issue item lately is bread. I love bread. I've always loved bread and I'll always have issues with it. I eat way too many sandwiches, too many sweets, too many bad choices. Yes, I eat a low amount of calories, but what I'm eating is not necessarily good for me. When I found that reduced-calorie sliced bread at Publix, I almost cried because I had missed eating sandwiches so badly. Unfortunately, I've let eating them become too routine. I eat way too much bread these days and am not focusing on slow carbs like I should be. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that what I've been eating is affecting my progress. I think I've gotten so caught up in enjoying eating "normal" food. What I mean by that is for so long in the beginning, I was eating specialized meals, certain foods, and cutting out things like bread because I didn't know about some of the foods I now eat. When I discovered them, I let it take over. I let these things become too precious in my mind and then enjoyed them too often...

From now on, I'm going to limit myself to eating bread in only one meal a day, if that. I'd like to cut it out like I did in the beginning, but I just don't think I can completely. Its too good...BUT I will limit it much more strictly now. I'm going to cut out sweets, I'm going to cut out so many things that I've enjoyed too often lately. No more late-night snacks, no more eating out and giving in to bad things, no more splurges. The splurges have become too commonplace and are honestly no longer splurges. I'VE GOT TO STOP! I'm better than this and I know from experience that I am capable of this. I know I've said that I hate when people ask me if I should be eating something, but at this point, if you see me out, about to eat something that you and I both know that I shouldn't be eating, slap it outta my hand. Period. I need your help as much as you seek mine. I'm not perfect, I've said it a million times, and it remains to be true and always will be. I AM NOT PERFECT. And I don't have to be, no one does.

It is OK to make mistakes. As long as you're trying, as long as you're putting forth the effort, you're succeeding. I haven't been putting forth as much effort as I could or should be. I don't feel good about myself right now. Like I said yesterday, if you do the right thing, you'll feel better and I can tell you that from the experiences I've had over the past couple of weeks. Because I've been sick, been out of town, or still having back problems (by the way, I have a sinus infection...headaches don't make for a productive run :-/ ) the exercise has been light this week. I also skipped Monday night's run because of a bad headache...and... I absolutely HAD to watch the Giants game...I know, I know its no excuse, but it was game 7 of the NLCS! I got to see them destroy their way into the World Series! Which reminds me, I have to run before the first game starts tonight....Anyway, I'm trying hard to get back into the habit and back on track. Its hard and I wish I had never had to fall off of track, but sometimes you can't control what comes up. Illness is annoying and I wish that I hadn't gotten sick, but hey, what can ya do?

I hope you'll trust me to right myself and you'll have faith in me to get myself back to where I was, back to the girl you can look up to and seek motivation and inspiration from. You guys are great and have gotten my blog up to almost 2,000 pageviews! Just a few more! Thank you all!

"If you have no confidence in self, you are twice defeated in the race of life." -Marcus Garvey

I enjoy dressing up. I like fixing my hair. I love putting on make-up. I love the way I feel when I'm all dolled up and its because I don't mind being noticed anymore. When I was bigger, I wanted to blend in. I didn't want to stand out or really be looked at. In my mind, people were judging me based on my weight and I just was not confident in the way I looked. After losing this weight, I absolutely love getting dressed up and feeling pretty. I feel the need to look good everytime I leave my house now, and I think this comes from so many years of hiding and looking a mess. I have found my confidence, I have found happiness in many aspects. I'm not nearly as shy as I once was. I'm a lot more sociable and I don't mind being looked at. I promise, I'm not vain...I just feel better all around.

I will tell you, though, that I can empathize with you if you still feel the way that I once did. If you don't feel good about the way you look, you're not going to feel good about yourself in any way. As much as that really stinks, its true. No matter how many times you tell yourself and others that you don't care what people think about you, you know that you really do, at least in some small way. Everyone cares a little bit. If you're not in a place yet that you feel good about yourself or feel attractive, fix it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with caring about how you look. In fact, it can do a world of good for you. Exercise has changed my energy, it has changed the way I feel about myself, it has changed the way I see myself. Even in the beginning, back when I first started this journey, I was already building my confidence and feeling more beautiful because I knew that I was working hard for something. I could feel a difference within myself, I could feel that I was gaining self-respect. So, according to other people, I was exuding a new aura, a new confidence.

I have been told my numerous people that this confidence is part of what is making me look good these days. The way I now carry myself, the way I walk, the way I dress and fix my hair and make-up, how I truly seem to care for my appearance, how you can see that I've put in some work to make myself look good is what makes me more attractive. However, I know from experience, many many years of experience, that its very difficult to achieve this when you don't feel like the best version of yourself. Its hard to want to put in the effort when you don't like the outcome either way. But ya know what? If you do it anyway, I promise you'll feel better. Fix yourself up, do you hair, put on a cute outfit, just do something. People are more likely to find you approachable when you seem put-together. As much as it stinks, appearance is a big deal in our society and looking good can get you ahead in so many aspects of life. Sometimes its like playing a part.

Like I said, if you don't like the way you look because of your weight, do something about it. If you don't like how it makes you feel, change it. Don't sit there and feel sorry for yourself because you don't feel good about how you look, change it! Better yourself for yourself. Don't do it for anyone but you. I've said before that I did it for completely superficial reasons in the beginning, but as I've grown through this process and adopted so many changes, I realized that the changes I've embraced have affected every single aspect of my life. So, even if you're not feeling it, do it anyway. I can't emphasize that enough. People are attracted to people who take care of themselves. If you let yourself go, others will write you off as well. I hate it, but its just the way the world is. You're not going to attract the kind of guys you're attracted to. That's what I've found. I know, shallow, but true. I settled. Everytime. When I was bigger, I dated what I could get (I did actually like some of them, but obviously it wasn't right because I'm definitely still quite single ;) I dated anyone who showed interest in me because I didn't feel that I could do any better. I've now found that I can be picky, I can choose to pass up a guy just because he's interested. I've learned how to differentiate real affection and that feeling of "well, he's into me, so I guess I'll go for it." No, I don't have to settle anymore.

Eating right can change the way you feel about yourself as well. Right now, I feel horrible about the way I look because I know how I ate this weekend. I know that I don't actually look any different than I did last week, but just knowing what I did to my body over the past few days changed the way I feel about myself. When you eat crap, you feel like crap. I still feel gross as I'm getting rid of what I consumed, but the healthier I eat, the better I feel. When I used to eat that way all the time, I felt gross all the time. When I eat well, I feel well. Everything is correlated. Everything you do with your body is connected. You are the effort you put in.

So. Go shopping, buy yourself a new outfit, put on some pretty make-up, curl your hair, straighten your hair, do something to your hair. Paint your nails. Do something to make yourself feel better. Treat yourself. Its ok to focus on you sometimes. Hold your head up when you walk, stand tall, don't slouch, wear clothes that fit. Don't dress the body you want, dress the body you have. Clothes that are too small just make you look bigger. Wearing clothes that are too big make you look frumpy. Wear clothes that flatter and you will feel great. Focus on how you want to be perceived by others.

Eat correctly, exercise, smile. Just smiling can go a long way. It can brighten someone's darkest day and in turn make you feel good yourself. When you care about yourself, others notice. People will see your confidence when you let them. I promise that, even if you don't think so, you're beautiful. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you will learn what you're capable of and what you want to do with yourself. Even though you may not feel great yet, you can help the process along in little ways by taking care of outward appearance. This in turn will also help you to keep working on your inner self. If you're working on losing weight and getting healthy, keeping up the way you look throughout the process will help build your confidence all along the way. When I finally changed myself, what really happened is that I found myself. The real me finally found a way out and others have noticed her. You can do the same, you just have to put in a little work. :)

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” -George MacDonald

I'm just not even going to go into detail about the way I ate this weekend.....just..no. All I can do is get back on track today --- eat well and run. I haven't had a weekend like this in a long time where I indulged without a thought, so I don't feel entirely bad about it. I just want to move on from it, get it right starting today, and not dwell on it.

Something I noticed about this weekend is that (and Mom says the same thing) I value spending time with people more than I value food. What I mean by this is that when we go out or have people over, its incredibly easy to forget about the way I should be eating in order to enjoy eating and drinking with friends. Its easy to just focus on having a good time in favor of sticking to a healthy diet. But the more I thought about that, the more I thought about the fact that I used to be able to do both. In the beginning, I really had no problem enjoying my time out with people while still being able to eat correctly. It comes back to that whole fear of the unknown subject, but it shouldn't have to be that way. I know that I can do it the right way and still enjoy myself, so why do I have such a hard time with that? For the most part this weekend, I only over did it at night. During the day I was fine and ate well. There were too many late-night snacks and a very sweet brunch on Sunday. I honestly just could not pass up the apple crecents Mom made....and I don't regret it because they were absolutely, ridiculously amazing...

Anyway, like I always say, all I can do is make it right today. All I can do is eat correctly and run. All I can do is push myself to be good. I do this too often these days. I hate it. I MUST regain control and finish this. I have to. I have no choice. That's the only way I can look at this task; as if I have no choice. I am strong enough to do this and I have confidence in myself to do this. My only concern right now is that I'm letting some of you down. I haven't set a very good example over the past couple of weeks, but I have every intention to regain your faith in me by fixing it right now. I promise that I am getting back to being the girl you've come to trust and look to for motivation. Just bear with me and I'll show you that I can do it.

“Do it badly; do it slowly; do it fearfully; do it any way you have to, but do it.” -Steve Chandler

I am so proud of myself. I finally did well again yesterday. Not perfect, but better. I stuck to my plan pretty closely and I needed that. I'm going out of town until Saturday and I feel better about leaving the comfort of my own kitchen and winging in out in the world for a few days. There's honestly a sense of freedom in doing this from time to time because I don't feel shackled down to my calorie counting app. There's also a sense of fear, that same sense of fear I once I had that I discussed yesterday. Its a 'scared' that makes me want to be super careful about how much and what I eat. Its that same 'scared' that keeps in line. I'm ready! I am mentally ready to battle the rest of this week and weekend! I'm excited to go stay with my sister and see old friends, and I'm excited to get out of Birmingham for a few days. Sometimes it just takes a few days away to get yourself back in order. 

About that exercise. I did it! I said I would do at least 2.5 miles last night and I did. Me and Mom went for a walk first, so in all, running and walking, I actually did about 3.5, but only running 2.5 of it. I feel good about it. I could feel that I was definitely pushing, but I could also feel the slightest hint of runner's high creeping in. I can't wait to get back to my normal pace and my normal distance, but until then, I'm going to take it easy and do what I can. I'm most definitely going to go for a run before I leave today. And do you know why? Not only because I'm not going to be able to do it tonight, and probably not again until Sunday, but because I'm going to be enjoying the amazing, wonderful, ridiculous Pumpkin Spice Doughnut from Krispy Kreme this afternoon....I. cannot. wait. I've been planning for it all week and I have prepared my day around the event, and I have been drooling to myself all week. I can't wait to indulge, I can't wait to eat something decadent and not feel guilty about it. Because I've planned so carefully for it, there will be no guilt or remorse. I'm going to savor every single bite, every last crumb. 

So, I know I've written a post about perspective before, but I need to re-touch on that. I sometimes lose sight of what I've done. I forget about my accomplishment in favor of focusing on what I still have left to do. At this point, because I've been stuck on the same weight for a while, I look in the mirror and feel gross. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I tend to grow complacent in how I look when there aren't many changes in the recent past. I feel that nothing is happening, therefore I focus on that instead of the fact that I've gotten where I am. I was thinking to myself earlier "I've lost 64 pounds." "I'VE LOST 64 POUNDS!!!!" I had to sit and focus on that for a second. I forget about how amazing that is, how big of an accomplishment that is. I think I have yet to really let that sink in. I don't know why it seems to be so hard for me to just let it affect me, but it is. I've lost 64 pounds, I've gone from a size 14-16 to a size 8. That's crazy! That is absolutely ridiculous! I still can't believe it! Even as I'm replacing my wardrobe of larges and extra larges with smalls, I can't seem to realize what a feat it is. Maybe it's still FatRachel whispering in my ear, reminding me of all the work I still have left, but at least for today, I'm going to let myself reflect on the fact that I'm in a better place mentally and physically than I have been my entire life. What I've accomplished, only so many people in the world can say they've done the same. When I think about the fact that I'm now one of those people that can say "I used to be fat", I kind of want to just cry (tears of joy, of course). I can't believe what I've done, but at the same time I can because I'm living it. I'm now an example to so many, an inspiration, a motivator. As great as that feeling is, it is also a little daunting. I feel like I have such a responsibility now, but as I take that on, I know its only helping me to keep doing what I'm doing. It keeps me on track.

I know this post was mostly for my benefit, using it as a journal again, so before I go, I'd like to leave you with the recipe of the amazing, mouth-watering, ridiculously yummy gourmet, grown-up grilled cheese sandwich I had for lunch yesterday:

                                                      Basil Pesto Grilled Cheese 

-2 slices Publix Reduced calorie white bread (80 calories)
-handful of spinach leaves (about 5 calories)
-1 wedge Laughing Cow light creamy swiss cheese (35 calories)
-1/2 tbsp Basil Pesto. I use Buitoni Pesto with Basil. (35 calories)
-3 slices Sargento Ultra-thin Provolone cheese (or swiss, doesn't matter) (120 calories)
-Entire sandwich = 280 calories

-In a pan, drizzle a little olive oil and place spinach in. Cook until leaves are wilted.
-Mash together the cheese wedge and pesto until well-combined.
-Spread mixture on one side of a slice of bread. Place spinach on top, place the rest of the cheese on top. Place other slice of bread on.  (of course, I use the squirt bottle version of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" to butter up the outside surfaces of the sandwich before grilling.)
-Proceed to cook like any old grilled cheese sandwich. Except this is not just any old grilled cheese sandwich. This is heavenly. 

And last, a couple more new pictures of me :)

Anytime I'm having a good hair day, I feel the need to document it, so here:

I just liked this outfit, so I documented it as well (and yes, that is a dressing room at Target. I already had that outfit on, its mine,  I just wanted to take a picture of it because I don't have a good full-length mirror :)

 

"Life grants nothing to us mortals without hard work." -Horace

I am sore today. I'm sore and I'm happy to be. Why, you ask? Because it is a physical reminder that I'm working again. It is reminding me that I'm getting back on track and pushing myself again. I ran two miles last night and I could feel my energy and stamina building back up. That was a really great feeling! I'm planning to run between two and a half to three miles tonight. I just want to get back to where I was before I got sick. I know that it is going to take some time and patience, but I know that I can do it. I know that I want it badly enough to go and get it. Having friends and family tell me how proud they are of me is great motivation and makes me want to be good. It makes me want to better myself. I am a runner and I will get back into the swing of things, no matter how much I hate it sometimes.

I was thinking last night while I was running about why I can't seem to regain the focus that I had in the beginning. What I realized is that back then, I kept to my plan so diligently because there was a fear of the unknown. I didn't know what the effects were of straying from the plan. I didn't know if I would gain weight back easily or what would happen. I was so scared of not progressing that it kept me on track. This feeling of fear is what kept me stuck so hard on the plan. I wish so badly that I could go back to that time when I found it so easy to be good. I didn't cheat or stray from my calorie plan because I was afraid of what might happen, and I wish so badly that I could get that feeling back. Now that I know what happens and that it isn't the end of the world to eat something not on the plan, I do it too often. If I could just get that mindset back, I would have a much easier time of this. I wish I could regain that fear and be able to turn away from yummy foods that I don't need...I miss that feeling of success everytime I passed up the good stuff, that feeling of accomplishment every time that I completed a day of eating without giving in to temptation. I miss being able to say "I did well today".

I can do it to a certain extent at this point, but it will never be like it was then. I can live in the fear of gaining weight back, but knowing what I know now doesn't allow me to use this fear. I should be able to do it because of the knowledge I now have, but for some reason I think that it is making it more difficult for me. I am going to try my best to get this feeling back because I need to really kick my discipline back into high gear. I'm still having issues with sticking to my plans and resisting food when I'm not even hungry. The urge to eat constantly is a tricky feeling to overcome. I'm doing my best with it, but there's only so much I can take sometimes! I vowed yesterday to do better and, for the most part, I am. However, I'm still battling with myself every minute of the day to be good. Its a hard battle, but it is one that must be fought. I CAN do this. I CAN push past my own mindset and be a better example. I CAN get into the 140s! I'm still fighting to get to this new milestone and some days it seems as if I'll never get there, but I know that I CAN do it! I WILL do it!

Just thought I'd share my latest picture :)

 

 

 And last, here is one of my favoritest of favorite Fall meals:

 

 

 

Grilled Cheese with Tomato Soup:

-2 slices Publix Reduced calorie white bread= 80 calories

-3 slices Sargento Ultra-Thin sliced cheddar cheese= 135 calories

-1 bowl Campbell's Classic Tomato Soup (in the styrofoam microwave bowl) with a little dried basil sprinkled in = 200 calories

 

Entire Meal = 415 calories! Wonderful, warm Autumn dinner :)

Because I said so.

Today, I'm treating this blog as a journal. I just need to write out what's been going on since last week and now with this new week. Due to pain from a pulled muscle in my back and illness last week, I basically did nothing in the way of exercise. I didn't eat terribly, but I didn't do the best that I could have either. I felt guilty for most of the week for not jogging, but as the week progressed and I was actually healing and getting better, I knew that it was what I needed. I obviously needed to take the time off in order to not injur my back further, but I couldn't help but feel my progress in running was being reversed. And I was right. I jogged last night and it wasn't horrible, but it definitely was not good. I didn't feel any pain in my back so at least there's that. However, I feel that I'm now starting over in a way. I only ran one mile, but I did actually run it, not just jog or bounce-walk as I like to call it sometimes. It felt so great to run, but I could tell that I was short of breath earlier in the process and my sides did hurt by the time I got back to my street. I hate that I'm going to have to rebuild my stamina and distance, but I'm just going to have to do what I have to do. I also battled that run with a headache. Not fun. I had considered skipping again, but I just couldn't let myself keep the cycle going.

Getting back into the swing of things is not easy when you've let yourself be free of it for too long. I definitely do not plan to do that again any time soon. Maybe my body needed it, but it still doesn't change the fact that I'm going to have to work extra hard to get back to where I was. I'm already doing much better in the way of eating. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I did perfectly yesterday, but I did much better than all of last week. I woke up yesterday telling myself that this week will be better than last week because that's what I need. I need this week to be better. I need to go to sleep earlier, but that may be hard with the Giants playing for the NLCS all week :) but I'm going to try my best to get as much rest as possible.

I realized something the other day that kind of blew my mind a little bit. It doesn't just shatter my world when I don't get enough sleep like it used to....When I say that it shattered my world, I mean it affected everything. I would wake up with a headache, be super cranky, just not a fun person to be around with lack of sleep. This just isn't so anymore! Now that my body and mind are healthier, I seem to be able to do much more with much less. This is a remarkable development because before, I let sleep dictate my life. If going out meant me not getting enough sleep, then I wouldn't go out. I know, I'm 23 so that's pretty lame. I don't let that bother me anymore. I would rather live my life and have fun while I still can than waste it on sleep. People who know me best will re-read that sentence, check my forehead for a fever, and ask if I'm feeling alright...I really, really love sleep....haha.

I'm better this week because I said so. I'm exercising like I should because I said so. I'm eating better because I said so. I'm in a better mood because I said so. I'm happy because I said so. I always have the choice and last week I chose to sulk. This week I choose to be better. I choose to rebuild with a smile on my face. Its all because I said so.

I just wanted to take the time to write out this post because I simply wanted to let you know what's been going on in my life for the past couple of weeks. My last few posts have discussed pretty serious subjects and I just wanted to write about something a little lighter. Doing this from time to time helps me to take a step back and breathe. It helps to put what I'm doing into perspective. I can re-read these posts and see where I was at this point in my journey and see that I'm doing just fine. I just want to be held accountable for all that I do, and I hope I didn't bore you too much :)

"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." -Aristotle Onassis

Focus. Determination. Discipline. These three words are used frequently in my posts and in questions from my readers. 'How do you keep such focus?' 'How do you stay so dedicated?' 'How do you keep steady in your discipline?' I am asked these questions a lot. And truthfully, I don't know how to answer them. There is no easy way to explain why or how I've done what I've done. There is no way to explain to someone else why I am able to maintain these things. I cannot put it into words. The only thing that I can explain to someone else is that you have to want it badly enough. You have to be the one who decides whether or not you're going to change yourself and your life. I can't do that for you. And that's all there is to it. A lot of people ask for my advice on this subject and I often have a hard time finding the words to say to these friends. It is not something that is easily given and often I feel that I'm inadequate in my efforts to explain to them the best possible answer. So, this is what I'm going to give you today:

If you're wanting to change the way you live and the way you eat, you and only you can figure out the best way to go about it. Every person is unique and finds focus and discipline in different places and in different ways. I really and truly cannot explain to anyone how I found mine because I'm honestly still a little baffled with it myself. After almost nine months of doing this and losing 64 pounds, I'm still a little amazed at the fact that I've done this. I've gotten used to the comments from people about how I look and the compliments, but when someone says something to me, it is almost like an out-of-body experience. Its as if I'm hearing these compliments and expecting them to be directed at someone else. I used to think that doing something like this was impossible. I had grown content with the fact that I was overweight, lazy, and unhappy. I, being of the melancholic nature, just accepted the fact that I was how I was. And a true melancholic hopes without hope that unhappiness is permanent (as depressing as that is..).

When I finally woke up and realized how I actually looked, I decided it was time. I decided to be done with being depressed and unhappy. I decided it was time to be me. The way I once was wasn't me, the real me has very recently come to light and the happiness followed suit. I suppose looking at pictures and seeing myself, being rejected constantly by guys, not being able to attract the sort of guy I'm attracted to, etc..is what truly kicked me into this state of determination. I freely admit that deciding to do this rested solely on the fact that I just wanted to look better and be more attractive. My intentions were purely superficial, but the blessings and gifts that changing myself has given me far outweigh the fact that I simply look better.

I think that what I'm trying to say to you is that you need to find a reason. You need to find something to motivate you to do this. Whether it is just wanting to look better, wanting to fit into a smaller size, wanting to be healthy, wanting to look good for an event, or just wanting to make a change, you have to find something to motivate you. You have to focus on what you want and go get it. I wanted to feel good about myself and how I look and I used that motivation to focus myself and to push myself to become who I really am. I used those feelings of rejection, the feeling of not being able to fit into the clothes I wanted to wear, not being able to find happiness in looking at a picture of myself, wanting to feel good about seeing other people, I just wanted all-around happiness. For the most part I've acheived my goals. I still have a ways to go with the actual weight-loss (around 17 more pounds), but I've already arrived in finding the real Rachel. I know I talk about these changes a lot, and I've tried so hard to explain the whole 'where I get my focus' subject, but I just can't seem to put it into words. 

I still find motivation in looking at pictures of myself; not by looking at the old pictures, but by looking at recent pictures. In these pictures, I find pride and self-worth. I find that I am finally, actually pleased with how I look. Feeling this way makes me want to push further and harder to the end. The new me has become my new motivation. I am my best form of focus and I am the only person who can push Rachel to finish this process. I do like the way I look right now, and some people have told me that I could stop now and be just fine. I, however, do not see it that way. I set a goal and I'm determined to reach it. I want to finish what I started, which is a new concept for me. I've always been a quitter when things get too hard, but in this I have found a new perspective. I will do this.

I'm going to be honest here with you again. I have lost a lot of my focus and discipline and I'm in the process of regaining it. I haven't eaten as well as I should, jogging is a chore, and I'm just plain tired of this. BUT I will not give in to these feelings. I am declaring here and now that I am getting back on track and am going to focus strongly on what I need to do. This week will be better than the last because I'm saying so. I pledge to myself and to you that I will be better. Starting NOW.

I hope that this post has helped shed even the smallest ray of light onto the subject, but I know that I can't truly form the words and sentences to express it to you. I apologize for this, and I truly wish I could be of more help in that department, but I've done the best I can and I hope it has helped in any way. You can do this. You can find your focus, you just have to look for it.

"Eyes so transparent that through them the soul is seen." -Gautier

Alright, we're just gonna call this part 3 on the subject I've been discussing for the past few days. I feel the need to elaborate one more time. This post's purpose is to make sure you know that I am so far from perfect. I wanted to let you know that my journey has been far from perfect. Of course I'm happier now than I ever have been in my entire life, but the steps I've had to take to get to this point have pushed me so far to my limits that I've felt overwhelmed several times. I hope that discussing the whole chew and spit issue has shed some light on the fact that it hasn't been just all rainbows and sunshine. It has been easier than I thought it would be, but that doesn't mean that it's been easy at all. I want you to know that I've struggled. I want you to know that I've felt ashamed and embarrassed about certain things. I feel the eyes of judgment upon me every time I eat out with people who know what I'm doing. I feel that I have to keep up appearances even if I've planned for certain foods or meals. I HATE when I'm eating something and someone asks if I should be eating that. Yes, I'm suppose to be eating it! If I'm eating it, chances are I've planned for it! Just let me enjoy something from time to time!...I want you to know that I still struggle with this process daily. I struggle, I struggle, I struggle.

I am so proud of myself for sharing some of these things with the world because I would love more than anything for people to believe that I'm good at this. I would love for people to keep thinking that I've done this with no problems. I would love for this to have been easy. But not really. I'm human. I have issues. I have days or weeks that are more of a struggle than others. Take this week for example. I've had a pulled muscle in my lower back, I've been under the weather, AND (hope this isn't TMI, don't really care..) it's that time of the month. This has not been a good week at all. I've barely exercised. I've been hungrier than ever, and I just wanted to sit around and eat, which I did unfortunately. I fear that I have set myself back a bit this week, but ya know what? I needed it. Sometimes you have to take some time to truly rest. Not just let your body rest, but your mind and your entire being. This was the first time since I started this process that I've taken this much time for myself. AND I didn't feel overwhelmingly guilty for skipping the exercise. Last night, I went on a 2 mile walk with Mom and tonight I did a 1 mile jog to kind of ease my way back into it. The jog tonight was rough, but I expected that. Anyway, back to being candid and transparent. 

I wanted to let you know that your journey to becoming healthy physically or mentally is going to have twists and turns. The road is not going to be this straight and paved path, it's going to rough you up and you're going to have to learn new ways to deal with it and just follow where it's leading you; where God is leading you. None of this is by accident, every issue that is thrown at you is to help you get stronger, it's to help you learn how to absorb these hits. I've found it easier and easier for the past couple of weeks to resist the urge to chew and spit, but I still think about it from time to time. I am hoping that discussing this with you will help you see that I've covered a lot of what I go through up with such positive posts and statuses. I feel like I've maybe been doing you a disservice with this. I want to be more open and honest with you from now on about what I'm going through. Yes, I will continue to spread my positivity because that is such a large part of my personality now, but I will not fail to include the ugly side of my life from now on. I think it will help balance out my feelings in general and help you to find comfort in knowing that if you're going through something negative, I can most likely empathize with you. I know what it's like. It has not been perfect for me. IT HAS NOT BEEN PERFECT FOR ME. I think that these past three posts have served as the equivalent of me cathartically screaming out in declaration that this is has been hard on me, that my life is not perfect.... Feels good. 

I want you to know that talking about these things has brought me great relief. By sharing it in my writing and knowing my mom reads it has helped me open up with her in person even more. I hope you all keep reading because I'm going to keep writing regardless. This has been better than any form of therapy I could ever hope to receive. :)

“When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.” -Maya Angelou

I cannot begin to tell you how humbled I am to receive so many kind words of support from you guys. It took a lot of courage to discuss the problem I shared with you yesterday. I'm still a little embarrassed about it, but I know that because I've shared it, I can be held accountable and I feel a little freer for doing so. I am not one to speak eloquently about the things I discuss in this blog, but writing them out has been very therapeutic for me. I love to write, I love to type, I love what doing this does for me. I've kept a journal for years, probably since around the time I was 17, but that is a private way to express myself. Making a public declaration about how I feel and what I'm doing has had A LOT to do with the way I've changed. To share is to grow. I've grown so much as a person through this venture and I cannot thank all of you enough for helping me get to this point. You may think that leaving a comment, sending a message, or whatever is the best you show me you're listening (and I appreciate it more than you could ever know, keep 'em coming!), but seeing the number of pageviews everytime I log in is what really makes me realize that I'm reaching more people than I ever thought I could. I cannot believe that anyone would be interested in what I'm talking about, I cannot believe anyone would care to read my thoughts. It's so baffling to me that doing something so small like this could make such a huge impact on the way I feel from day to day. I love to write, I always have, and I am so very grateful to have a place to do it now, and that so many people would care to read along.

Speaking of what I talked about yesterday, I would like to elaborate more on the "why" of it.  This was not an activity I did when I was fatter. This is something I've done in the recent past. As in the last few months. I did what I did simply because I love food. I love the way it tastes, I love the way it feels to chew it, I love everything about food, especially sweets. I chewed and spit because I had gotten to a point where I missed these foods so much that I just had to at least taste them. I would feel too guilty to actually consume them and their calories, so I would chew them for the taste and sensation and then spit them out. I felt ashamed every single time I did it, but for some reason could not stop myself. I wish I had never started because it really is a hard habit to break. It becomes so easy to let yourself become consumed by something and food is what consumes me. It is an unfortunate obsession because it can be so harmful. I have such a love-hate relationship with food. I love everything about it and I hate everything about it. I hate that so much of it tastes so good, but so much of it is so bad for you. The foods that I love the most are the ones that will cause me harm. I started C and S because I missed the loves of my life. I have always been addicted to food, and some people have specific reasons for why, such as it takes them back to a certain time, person, event, it's comforting. I do not find this to be true for me. I cannot think of anything in particular that food does for me. I simply love food. I don't blame food for anything because I am the only one to blame for eating the things I shouldn't and the ungodly amounts of it I have consumed over the years.

Food addiction is a serious thing, but do not ever let anyone tell you it's a disease. From the words of my mom: Once you let it become a "disease", you relenquish all responsibility. You are addicted to food because you let yourself be. Yes, the addiction itself is real, but there is no diagnosis for such a thing. You are responsible for feeding the addiction, just like with drugs or alcohol, and you are the one who has to decide that you will break the habit. You are the one who must change your habits and take control of your life. Take it from someone who has done this, it is hard and it is consuming, but once you learn how to control it, your life can only get better. With my sweets addiction, I've learned that if I allow myself something really decadent from time to time, it will help curb this craving and help me not to think about it so much. Like I said yesterday, I will always be addicted to food, I will always struggle with decisions and control, but I have empowered myself enough and learned discipline to keep myself on track. I have taught myself how to change the way I think and act towards food. You can do the same if you really, honestly, truly want to. BUT you are the only person in your life that can change it. You cannot blame anyone else. You are the one who got you where you are and only you and God can pull yourself out.

God is the only force other than myself that has gotten me here. Yes, I've done this for myself, but I could have never done anything close to this without His love and support guiding me. I am just human, I can only do so much for myself. This is why I've never succeeded in losing weight or changing my life before. I had yet to put my full trust in Him to help me achieve it. God is the reason I am where I am, the reason I've been able to do what I've done. If I had tried this completely on my own, I would have failed again. My mom helped me really see that when we talked on our walk last night. I am so blessed to have someone like her in my life to remind me of these things and so blessed to have someone as strong in her faith as she is to guide me. I am nothing without God and his strength through me. I feel that this blog is His way of speaking through me for the first time in my life. I've never been one to speak out about anything really, and I feel that I finally have a platform from which to do so. I've never been very open with people unless they're really close friends. I've always been fairly private and introverted. I don't share with people. This blog has changed that completely. When people talk to me in person now about all of this, I have no problem finding the words to say. I have no problem responding to comments, messages, texts...It's like this have given me the perfect place to practice my skills and I'm now confident in the things I speak about with others. 

Once again, I thank you all for your support and I hope that I can continue to be inspired and inspire others. I appreciate every single one of you :)

That scary word....Addiction.

Food Addiction. It has become more and more prevalent over the past few years. Much like addictive drugs, foods we enjoy more than others can trigger feel-good brain chemicals such as dopamine. Once you experience pleasure associated with increased dopamine transmission in the brain's reward pathway from eating these certain foods, you may feel the need to eat again even though you are no longer hungry or even if you're full. It's the reward signals from these foods that override other signals of fullness and satisfaction. Hence, you keep eating, because it feels and tastes good.

People who show signs of food addiction may also develop a tolerance to food. They eat more and more, only to find that food satisfies them less and less. Scientists believe that food addiction may play an important role in obesity. But normal-weight people may also struggle with food addiction. Their bodies may simply be genetically programmed to better handle the extra calories they take in. Or they may increase their physical activity to compensate for overeating. People who are addicted to food will continue to eat despite negative consequences, such as weight gain or damaged relationships. And like people who are addicted to drugs or gambling, people who are addicted to food will have trouble stopping their behavior, even if they want to or have tried many times to cut back.
Addiction. That's a word that a lot of people are scared of. Some people don't realize that they're an addict because most people associate that word with drugs or alcohol. But the word applies to so many who don't even realize it. I am a food addict. I've always been a food addict and I will always fight this addiction. As scary as it may seem, addiction is something you can break. It comes back to my post yesterday about discipline. I no longer obsess over the food I eat in the sense that I just want to eat, eat, eat. I now obsess over the quality and quantity of the food I consume. I obsess over food to keep myself from being addicted in the wrong way. I think about food constantly. I know, that's super unhealthy, but it's the truth. As soon as I'm done with one snack or meal, I immediately start counting down to the next time I get to eat. I have to spread everything out and control when I eat in order to not use up all of my calories too soon in the day. I wish I could go about my day without thinking about it all the time, but I know that I can't. Some days are better than others, but for the most part its an all-consuming thought for me.

I'm going to confess something here with you that I've never shared with anyone. I, from time to time, would commit what is known as "Chew and Spit". It's just like it sounds. Chew the food and then spit it out rather than swallow it to avoid consuming the calories. This is an old disorder, but has very recently come to light. And yes, it is listed among eating disorders. I hate that I've done that. I hate that it's a hard habit to break. I hate what it can do. It temporarily satisfies the urge to eat by giving you sensation through chewing the food. The act of eating. But, through research, it has been proven to actually cause your appetite to heighten. The sugars in the food are still consumed and released into your system and can cause your body to produce more insulin than it should, causing your appetite to increase. For a while, I was doing this at least once a day with some form of sweet food that I just couldn't bare to actually consume and risk the caloric intake of said food. But, once I did research on the disorder and realized that it is truly doing way more harm than originally thought, I stopped. It can cause mouth sores, stomach ulcers (been there, done that, no thanks), cracked teeth, bad breath, not to mention that it has proven to lead to other, more serious disorders...It was hard to stop, honestly, but I did and I fight the urge to do it often. Please, do not open yourself up to something like this. It is most definitely not safe, not healthy, and a waste of food/money.

I've literally never shared that with anyone (Not even my mom...hey mom.). I feel ashamed for committing such an act. I feel better getting it out in the open, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like an idiot for doing it. Being a food addict is a real problem that a lot of people suffer from. My advice to you, if you're such a person, is to focus your obsession on your food the way I have. Focus on the quality of food your eating. Focus on how much of it you're eating, the amount of calories you're consuming. When you're eating healthy, you kind of have to make everything your favorite. What I mean is, you have to replace your old addictions with new ones. Instead of eating bowl after bowl of sugary cereal, try replacing that with oatmeal or smoothies. See what I mean? I love so many foods now that I never even remotely liked before because, when you cut out the bad stuff, you have to fill that void with something. I never liked a lot of vegetables, but after changing the way I eat, I enjoy so many of them now because I think about how low in calorie they are and how much more filling they are than say french fries. It's ok to obsess. Just obsess in the healthy way. Help yourself out of addiction and focus your efforts onto a new way to be addicted. Become addicted to eating good foods and better portion control. You can change yourself and you can succeed!