..make a brand new ending.

Update: I've lost 3 pounds since yesterday morning. I was right! This diet has shocked my system and in the best way. As much as I despise this thing, it's actually working this time. I'm hoping to lose the 5 remaining pounds of this recently gained weight by Wednesday morning (the day after I'm done with this). And, of course, I'll be keeping you up to date.

Other positive side effects of doing this:
1. I'm in a better mood already.
2. I fell asleep super early last night (about 9pm), and woke up at 8:30 this morning.
3. I feel lighter, more energized, and more awake.

This is all after just a day and a half of the diet. I could have waited until tomorrow to get my jump start going, but I'm so glad that I didn't. Now I feel that I can welcome the new year in a much more positive spirit. I didn't want to feel down and exhausted, I want to feel happy and excited to cross into the new year! Now that I'm doing the right thing again, I feel much more ready to welcome 2013 as a year of continuing accomplishment.

I'm not sure why, but I feel that the new year will be a good one. I don't know how it could get much better than this one, but I'm welcoming more change because it's inevitable. No matter what, I will continue to become more myself, and I will accept new circumstances and experiences with open arms. On this last day of 2012, I'm waving goodbye to the past and looking forward. I'm leaving this year behind, I'm leaving old Rachel back there for good, and I'm not going to let her show her face again.

I sincerely hope that all of you are ready to leave 2012 behind and embrace the future, as well. You've done what you could and now you can move on. Don't be afraid to move forward with me. Don't be afraid to admit it to yourself if you're unsatisfied or unhappy with your life. Don't be afraid to make the changes, big or small, in order to live the life that you want to live.

"Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." -Carl Bard

Reality Check

I know I said that on Tuesday I would be getting back to it, but I decided not to wait. Today, I started the 3-day diet thing that I did a while back. I figured it was worth another shot just to get me back into eating smaller portions again. I also think my body will respond in a more positive manner this time around because I've been eating so poorly for so long now that it will send a bit of a shock to my system and help me to lose weight. I hate this diet, but I have to do it. I'm using it as a means to turn away bad food. It's helping me re-train my mind into saying "no". Too often have I just eaten whatever is available to me in the past few weeks. Not good.

Reality Check: I've gained back about 8 pounds. 
Slap. in. the. face.

I know that others probably can't see what I see because I look at myself in micro-detail, but I feel that it's visible. I feel that I can see the pounds affecting the way I look. I honestly don't know if others can tell, but I can and that's not OK. I'm hoping that since my system will be "shocked", this diet will at least help me lose what I gained back. Seriously, I'm kicking it back into high gear. I'm going back to the beginning, dropping my daily calorie intake, eating super healthy things, and exercising. I may be going back to ground zero, but I know what I have to do and I know how to do it. 

Because of what I've been eating, I feel terrible. I'm tired, I'm cranky, I'm always hungry...
Old Rachel has resurfaced and I'm doing my best to suppress her again. This is the way that I felt all of the time before I made the change. How did I live like this?! It is so NOT worth it. I hate the way that I feel. I hate the way that I think I look. I'm NOT doing this again. I've now been reminded of why I decided to make the change, and it's kind of a welcome reminder. Sometimes you just need a reality check to show you what poor decision-making can do. 

I hope that this shows you that I'm incredibly far from perfect and that I make mistakes, we all do. I'm human and I am not immune from temptation. All I can do now is remedy my mistakes. All I can do is get back on track, do what I'm supposed to do, and keep my motivation up. And I'm actually highly motivated at the moment because I have to be. I have no choice in the matter. I have to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand. I'm proud of myself already for deciding to fix this. I'm proud of myself for knowing the difference between indulging and falling off of the wagon. I fell off of the wagon. I'm ashamed of that, but I'm fixing it now.

So, stick around for updates on my progress and to help keep me accountable. I need your help and kind words just as much as you (surprisingly) seem to want mine! There may also be a substantially large development in my work situation in the next few weeks, so stay tuned :)

The Year That I Became Rachel

"I never change, I simply become more myself." -Joyce Carol Oates
To say that 2012 was a life-changing year would be the biggest understatement I could possibly make. Looking back to this time last year and remembering how I looked, how I felt, and how I lived makes me want to smack myself. I could have started this change so much earlier than I did, but I think it happened at the right time in my life. If I had just tried to simply lose weight, the change would have been more temporary and purely physical. When I decided to change my life, I honestly wasn't fully aware that it was happening. I didn't realize then that I was about to become more myself than ever. Yes, I have changed in so many ways, mostly in physical appearance. However, I believe that in personality and attitude, I have simply become more me. 

I've become more ambitious than ever, I've become more determined than ever, and I have learned what it means to truly try. I've said it so many times: I was always a quitter. When something got too hard, I left it behind. This is not the case anymore. I have learned how to push myself in all areas of life, not just in eating healthy and in exercise. These two things are what got me running on the right path. I now know how it feels to truly accomplish something and the reward is more amazing than I ever thought possible. I still haven't reached my goal, but just getting this far has changed my life. 

This holiday season has been absolutely wonderful. I've been able to spend time with my family, which is always the best gift. However, I haven't exactly eaten the way I am supposed to...I've indulged, over-eaten, and enjoyed every single bite that I've consumed. Do I regret it? Not necessarily. I feel that I've gotten a lot of cravings out of my system and that I can get back on track now. It would be silly for me make a resolution to diet because I know that I'm going to be right back on the correct path as soon as possible. Today, I've already pointed myself back in that general direction. Seriously though, when Tuesday rolls around, I'm back on the wagon. I'm back to normal. I'll be back to eating healthy foods, lower calorie items, and back to walking and jogging. 

So, what is my New Year's Resolution? That's a good question that I honestly don't have a clear answer to. I've answered several of my past resolutions throughout this year: The weight-loss process is an ongoing and permanent lifestyle change that is still spilling over from last year's resolution. I've developed a more positive attitude and I exercise, I've become more outgoing, I've made more friends, I've figured out what I want to do with my life (though starting the process is a little elusive right now), I give more and help others more often, and I read more. There are so many aspects of myself that have been affected by my lifestyle change, which is making it more difficult for me to find things to resolve. Great problem to have, though, right?

Perhaps one resolution comes to mind: To become more spontaneous. As much as I love routine, I feel that being more free and letting myself think outside of the box more often will help me to become more and more flexible. I'm much more spontaneous than I once was, but I still feel that I let my routine dictate too much of my life. I'm the kind of person that loves to move forward with plans, but I think that throwing plans out the window from time to time may help me to improve my own flexibility. Now, I'm not talking about large plans, such as the ones I have for my life. I can't do that. I'm talking about the little things, such as when a friend calls me and says "let's go do this, meet me here at such and such time", I want to be able to let myself simply get up, get ready, and head out. Too often do I let my routine hold me back from such things, and I feel I may have missed out on a lot of opportunities because of this. No more! I want to live as much of this life as possible, see as much of this world as possible, and experience as many things as possible!

"I discovered to my joy, that it is life, not death, that has no limits." 

This is an idea I'd like to live by. Life doesn't have to be lived with so many limitations. More often than not, you are the only person holding yourself back. Whether it be by physical means or thought process, you can do more, and should do more, than you realize. If there's nothing else I've learned this year, the one thing that really sticks out is that I can do more than I ever thought possible. 2012 will go down in my history as the year that I became Rachel. Before, I was this other person, this negative, sad, and lonely person. After 22 years, Rachel finally made her debut in this world and has become the person she wants to be. I pray that 2013 is just as good to me, but I'm the one who has control over that. By putting my faith in Him and continuing on this path, I'm able to say that I will have another successful year and I can't wait for it to get started :)

All Is Well, All Is Well. Lift Up Your Voice And Sing!

I was thinking last night about this whole Christmas season. What is it to me? What does it actually mean to me? I love this season. I love the movies, the decorations, the lights, the magical feeling in the air, the feeling of nostalgia, all of it. I love how it makes me and my siblings feel like children again. No matter how old we get, we never skip pulling all of the presents out from under the tree and stacking them into our piles, counting to see who has the most (even though we know our parents spend the same amount of money on each of us..). Me and my sister still bake cookies, sleep in the same bed at least one night out of the season, still giggle like little girls. No matter how old we get, we will always act in a juvenile manner and beg to open a present every single night the week of Christmas.

While this is all fun and makes my heart warm, this is not what Christmas really means to me. Christmas is the celebration of the birth of the reason that I'm the person I am today. Without the birth of that baby boy, I would not be free of my sins and my burdens. Because of this baby, I'm saved and I'm free. Do I live up to his standards? Absolutely not. Am I perfect? Pshh. Not even close. No one is, and anyone who claims to be is living in denial. I'm a Christian because I've chosen to give Him my burdens. I'm a Christian because he offered to carry them for me. I'm not even remotely close to perfect. I can't even see perfect from where I'm standing. I'm simply a child of God who was blessed enough to be raised by parents and family members who showed me His love.

I'll never claim to be the perfect example of Christianity because, obviously, I make mistakes. I don't always live in a way that would please Christ. Truth is, most Christians are hypocrites and that's all there is to it. I don't preach to people. I don't try to shove Christianity down anyone's throat. I simply use this blog as platform to share my thoughts, and as a Christian, these kinds of thoughts come up from time to time. Sometimes I'm ashamed of my actions. Sometimes I regret decisions. But does this mean that I'm not a Christian? Not at all.

Christmas is so easily forgotten as a Christian celebration. In a society where everything must be politically correct, I choose to celebrate Christmas as a Christian. I celebrate the birth of my Saviour. Yes, I participate in secular celebration. Absolutely. There's nothing wrong with decorating a tree or telling your kids that Santa brought them presents. There's nothing wrong with buying gifts and giving to others. There's nothing wrong with hanging lights from your house. There's something wrong with focusing only on these things. There's something wrong with becoming wrapped up in these customs and forgetting to acknowledge the birth of Christ. I know that not everyone believes this, but for those of us that claim to believe this, there should be less dispute over customs surrounding this holiday.

Yes, we all know that He wasn't actually born in December or on the 25th, no one really knows the exact month or date, but we know that He was in fact born and this particular day in Winter is the one in which the world decided to celebrate this event. Yes, the month and time we chose to celebrate it is connected to Pagan holidays, but that doesn't mean we have to actually connect it to Pagan holidays. Too many people refuse to believe that He is the Son of God, but as a Christian and as someone who has a personal relationship with God, I believe that he was sent here by His Father to save us. I choose to believe that Christmas is the time to celebrate and rejoice in His birth.

If you don't agree with me, that's your choice, but, like I've said before, this is my blog and you don't have to read it :) I just wanted to share my thoughts on Christmas and how I choose to celebrate. I know that some may consider me a hypocrite because they're aware of some of my decisions or actions, but the truth is, it's no one's business but my own. And this is the reason I choose not to judge others for their actions or attempt to dispute what they say. I have no right telling anyone how to live because I know that I'm not a good example. I know that I've asked forgiveness and I know that He grants it to me. My relationship is a personal thing. Yes, I've shared more about my beliefs today than I ever have through this blog, but the fact that I've shared it at all is a big step for me.

I'm not one to bring up religious topics to others, because I don't necessarily consider myself religious. That doesn't mean that I'm any less Christian, that simply means that I am not a radical who tries to force my beliefs on others. Like I said, I consider it a personal relationship, but I wanted to speak about it given the time of year :)
This will probably be my last post until after Christmas, so I wanted to say that I love you all and I sincerely hope that you all have a wonderful and blessed Christmas!

One more thing! This is one of my favorite Christmas songs of all time. I've performed it several times and its given me great joy each time :) Listen to it!

Point of Grace- All Is Well

Took a little break, but I'm back!

Hello, friends! I know I've been a little absent this week, but I'm back now. Overall, it's been a pretty spectacular week :) I was able to join my sister at a Christmas party, see friends, hang out with my bestie on Wednesday night, saw "The Hobbit" with a new friend :), lunch with Mom today, so. much. sleep., and no work. That's right, I was off work all darn week. I need the money, but I can't really say that I'm sad that I had so much free time. 

I've still done well with eating and such, no gaining, but still not losing. I'm still at my lowest weight, and I'm tired of seeing that same number on the scale! I know that there's no one to blame but myself, but it's still incredibly frustrating. I know what I'm supposed to do, I know how to do what I'm supposed to do, it's just the execution that's a little elusive... 

I know that I keep saying that I'll get back to losing, and I still have every intention to do so, it's just the motivation that I'm finding hard to grasp these days. It's cold outside, holidays bring so much yummy food, and I'm just so burned out on the whole process. I've been at this for almost a full year now, so to say that I'm exhausted by this would be an understatement. I'm tired of working at this, I'm tired of counting calories meticulously, I'm just tired. BUT, I know that I have to finish this. I know that I'm going to finish this. It may still take a good bit of time, but I know it can be done and I have every bit of faith in myself and in Him to know that I will complete this task. 

Weeks like this one really help me, though. I didn't have to sit in the house that I work in and fight back the urge to eat goodies all day. I didn't have to worry about breakfast or snacks due to sleeping late. I've only been eating 2 meals a day, plus coffee and it has been wonderful. It's been wonderful not planning, not packing, not taking food. Next week, when I go back to work (for the last work week of the year for me, by the way), I'll go right back to the planning and such. But for now, I'm enjoying the freedom. 

The social aspects of this week have helped me, as well. Spending time with my family and friends makes me just giddy :) I've had a lot of time to myself, which I love, but I've spent so much time with others. I'm so grateful for all of this free time and for the meeting of new people, with whom I will be spending more time tonight :) I hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend, despite the news of the tragedy in Connecticut. I will be praying for those who lost their loved ones and for the children who were unharmed, but are now going to have a tough time making sense of this senseless act. I hope that you will all do the same.

“No one has ever become poor by giving.” -Anne Frank

“You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.” -John Bunyan

I already posted her link on Facebook, but I wanted to take the time to talk about it a little more here. Mamalaughlin, with the assistance of a couple of her blog bffs, has created a Holiday Pay It Forward Movement for this year's Christmas season. She has received so many emails from readers who have either shared their own story or have shared a family member's or friend's story. Each day, she's posting three or four of them and these stories are heartbreaking..Some are from parents who have been laid off and need help providing Christmas, some are from families who have lost a parent, some are from families who have a child in need of medical attention with which the parents need financial assistance. These people have no shame in asking for help, nor should they. When your child's well-being is at stake, you probably don't care so much what others think of you.

I, myself, have been reading these stories as they are posted, and will most definitely be sending something to at least one of the families. I have so much in my life to be thankful for, and I have no problem admitting that I take so much for granted. I have a full life, I have enough money to get by, I've never gone without at Christmas. My parents, though some years were not as plentiful as others, have never once not provided a good Christmas. We have always been blessed enough to receive plenty of money to have more than enough presents growing up. So many other families are not so lucky. So many families do not have any help. When I read these stories of how little these families have and the fact that they're not able to provide a Christmas for their children, I want to cry. I cannot imagine waking up as a child on Christmas morning and not having anything from Santa or anything to unwrap.

Think about that. Sure, you can explain to your kids that Mommy and Daddy don't have enough money to buy presents, but how do you explain that Santa won't be bringing anything either?! That can't be easy...Obviously, you don't want to have to explain that Santa isn't real just because you don't have enough money to play him. I just can't imagine how it must feel to be one of those parents.

I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Like I've said before, I never used to be the type of person to want to give away my money or my services, but now...now it seems to be all I wanna do. I can't wait to send something to a couple of these families. The response Mama has received already is overwhelming, she says. I mean, I'm talkin' one family has offered to send a $25 gift card to EVERY SINGLE FAMILY who's story is submitted and shared....I mean, wow. Just wow. It's overwhelming to me to see that there are still so many good people in the world. It's so easy to forget that it still exists in this self-absorbed and cold world.  

Mama has used her immense popularity to do something absolutely incredible. I am so proud of her for doing something good with that power! I want to follow in her example and at least help her spread the word. I can't do as large of a service as she has done, but I can at least help her complete this great and wonderful task. I view it as a great blessing to have found this girl's blog when I did months ago, but now I can see why I found it. Seeing all of this has made me realize even more that I want to be more of a giver. She's doing great things and I am so excited to help and be a part of it. I really, truly hope that some of you will go to her blog, read some stories, and I strongly urge you to consider sending something to one of these sweet families. :)

Follow this LINK and get caught up!

No More Settling For A Half-finished Task

"There is nothing so fatal to character as half-finished tasks." -David Lloyd George

Finishing begins today. I'm done putting it off, I'm done making excuses, I'm done with it! I'm getting back on track with losing and I will finish! I'm too close to the end now to not be working hard to get it. I'm still only seventeen pounds away from my goal and it is absolutely unacceptable to be sitting that close without working for it. I've been a pro at maintaining over the past couple of months, but that ends now. I'm eating right, exercising when I can, and regaining focus. I'm already doing really well this week and there's no reason for me not to continue on this path.

I don't know if it was Thanksgiving and the days surrounding it or if I've just been unmotivated, but I feel like a complete loser at this point because I've been content with staying where I am. I know that I'm not actually a loser because, I mean, look at all of the things that I've accomplished! Unless we're talking about being a loser in the sense that I've lost a lot of weight....but, I digress. I need to finish for myself. I need to complete this because I started it. I know, I know..I've said this stuff before, but that was just to make myself feel better without actually doing something about it. I'm saying it now as a declaration to all of you and to myself that I'm finishing this now! I will not eat things not in the plan, I will not eat bad foods, I will exercise when possible, and I will be good.

I haven't gained anything back, which is kind of a miracle, but that's not progress. That's not accomplishment. I know this is all kind of repetitive and things that I've said before, but I'm writing this entry for myself. This is so that I'm getting this info out there for others to see in order to keep myself accountable. Even if no one reads this, just knowing that it's out there keeps me in check. It makes me feel very aware of the fact that others may know that I've said these things and it makes it easier for me to keep myself on track. So many of my recent posts have been all about everything but eating, but now I'm getting back to my plan. I'm getting back to the dedication, motivation, and tunnel vision. Hold me to this, guys.

"I think positive emotion trumps negative emotion everytime."

"I fight cynicism. It's too easy. It's really boring. It's much harder to be positive and see the wonder of everything." -Ewan McGregor

^ It really is difficult sometimes. If I'm feeling down, I usually try to find a way to change my attitude. But sometimes, it's nice to just let it happen. Sometimes it's nice to let myself be upset, to let myself cry. Crying is not necessarily always a negative thing or a sad thing. Sometimes crying is just a release. Sometimes crying is just a way to let a great mix of emotion out. Every once in a while, I find a sappy movie to watch on purpose simply to have a good cry. I know, that's such a girly thing to do, but hey, whatever works. I always feel better afterwards.

Back to the positivity thing. I try my hardest to stay in this new attitude, but it can be taxing. Sometimes it can take its toll. Sometimes it becomes a chore. I feel that people have come to expect this particular attitude from me and, while I appreciate the fact that most see me in this new light, it can be exhausting. I do still have my days in which I want to be alone. I still have moments when I need to stay away from people, especially after weekends like this past one. It was an absolutely wonderful weekend; four days of pure friend time goodness. I was able to spend Thursday through Sunday with most of my closest friends and it was great! But after my last outing with said friends on Sunday afternoon, it was time to be alone again.

My parents had a Christmas party Sunday evening, so I was even able to have the house to myself. That was fantastic. My evening consisted of eating dinner, watching Elf, then the 2012 World Series Film on ESPN (I loved getting to relive those games :), drinking some hot cocoa, and just relaxing with my babies. I still have days of needing to be by myself, but those days are more rare than they used to be. I now thrive off of my time with friends, my conversations with friends, my relationships in general. But I still can't help but feel the need to let myself be down sometimes.

Bad moods come fewer and farther between these days and I hate it when they surface, but everyone goes through them. I'm still a person who has ups and downs. I'm still imperfect. I'm still just a human being. Nothing can change the fact that I will go through a lot of emotional turmoil throughout my life, but knowing that I'm imperfect and that I'm meant to be imperfect is comforting. As soon as I accepted the fact that there's no way that I can maintain a pristine attitude or a cheery disposition, I found that I could remain happier for longer periods of time. As soon as I stopped trying to be happy, I found joy. The moment that I decided not to care about what others think of me is when I found my greatest amount of confidence. The moment that I let go of the reins and just started living is when I found that I could be this positive person. When I stopped the constant worrying, I became free.

Now, I will still always do my best to maintain my positive demeanor, but I will never make any promises to always be happy. Even though there is a situation that I'm not particularly fond of in my life right now, I refuse to let it get me down. Yes, I want more than anything for it to work out in my favor. Yes, I want the complications to disappear, but knowing that I'm doing everything in my power to get it is enough. I'm doing what I am able to do and that's all that I can do. I've let go of worry, of heartache, of negativity and have chosen to focus on the positives. This particular situation sucks. Period. But if it works out, I'll know that hanging on was worth it. Anyway, the point is that I've let go. Freedom is a wonderful feeling and once you find it, you'll never want to go back to your old way of life. Trust me.

"One step at a time, you will reach the finish line."

As of yesterday morning, I've already gotten back down to where I was before all of the Thanksgiving feasting. I'm pretty happy about that! I had only gone up a couple of pounds, but it feels good to already be back down. I'm still having a hard time losing, though. I do feel, however, that after all of the feasting, I've gotten a lot of cravings out of my system, ya know? I feel that because I indulged in so many things that I would normally run away from, I've gotten over them! I don't feel the need to eat anything and everything when I'm at home or at the house I work in. I feel a lot more under control these days. And let me tell ya, that's a great feeling.

Now, with losing I've just got to get my concentration back. Yes, I could just stay where I am. I feel that I look good, but I just want to reach my goal! I've never really finished anything and finishing this would just be a huge accomplishment! I set a goal, I want to reach that goal. Being so close to it is really, really frustrating. I only have approximately 17 pounds left, but the finish line just seems to be moving farther and farther away from me. If I could just regain my focus and my determination, I'd be able to do this with no problems. How I'm going to do that, I'm not sure. All I can do is try. One day I'll be done and when that day comes, I'll probably cry. I know, I'm such a girl.

But for now, I'm going to continue eating correctly, choosing healthy foods, exercising when I can, and just continue being happy. I no longer allow setbacks or lack of progress get me down. Yes, it can be disappointing, but it is not the end of the world. I've come such a long way physically, and more importantly, I've changed so much as a person. That in itself is a great accomplishment and I could not be more proud of myself. I'm still going to push, I'm still going to think about it, and I'm still going to try my hardest to complete this endeavor. No matter what happens, I'm happy with everything that I've done and nothing could change that feeling :) 

P.S. The blog reached 3,000 pageviews last night :)

Be A Light Whenever Possible And Expect Nothing In Return

I'm getting closer and closer to coming to a final decision about my volunteer program, but am still working out a few details. I have been contacting different fundraising outlets and am gathering more information about raising some money. I am so very excited and I still can't believe that I'm actually doing this! And of course, as soon as I have a final word on what I'm doing, I'll let you know :)

Alright, I've spoken to you before about MamaLaughlin. She's ridiculous and she's amazing. Today, her post is all about paying it forward and doing good deeds for the holidays. She and a couple of her blog bffs (or bbffs as she calls them) have come together to collect stories from her readers about people the readers may know or the readers themselves who need some help this holiday season. Whether it's needing help obtaining Christmas presents for their kids, collecting food, or collecting clothing or coats, she wants to know and wants to help. Here is the LINK for you to follow and possibly participate. If you're not comfortable emailing her yourself, tell me your story and I'll pass it along! I commend her for doing something this big and something this meaningful. She has a lot of influence on those around her and she is using that popularity in a way that reflects the goodness still left in this world. She's using her power in the best way possible. 

 I wish that I had the means to do what she does, but that doesn't mean that I can't do some good is some small ways. The other day, I went to the bank to deposit some money. While at the ATM, I could not get the machine to accept one of the bills that I was attempting to deposit. I tried and tried, but soon gave up and put it back in my wallet. From there, I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things. On my way out of the parking lot, I saw a man, his wife, and one of their babies standing on the curb. The man was holding a sign informing me and the other drivers that he had recently lost his job and needed money to provide food and perhaps a small Christmas for him, his wife, and their two children. Then I realized why the machine wouldn't take that bill. Without any thought, I rolled down my window and gave the man the bill and all of the other loose change in my wallet. This man's smile and gracious "thank you"s were so genuine and so heartbreaking. I wish that ATM had rejected more of my money, but I did what I could. 

It's little things like this that I'm talking about. You don't have to spend loads of money to help someone. Just by paying attention to the world around you, you can make a difference. Keep an eye out for little things like this. Even if it's just helping someone load their groceries into their car, letting someone cut in front of you in line, or a smile, everything you do can make a difference. When you see another doing something wonderful like this, come out of your shell and let them know how inspiring they are. Yes, even if it's a total stranger. Do not miss these opportunities to let His grace show through you. When you see someone else doing something of this nature, give them a smile. Acknowledge that you witnessed whatever it was. Encouragement will motivate others to continue doing good. Everything has a ripple effect and when we participate in this phenomenon, more and more of that good shines through.

Of course, this applies year-round. You don't have to reserve your good deed-doing for just December. Let yourself give year-round. Be a light whenever possible and expect nothing in return. You'll be rewarded in some way at some point in your life, but don't let that be your driving motivation. The betterment of society should be your motivation. Stop complaining about how this world is going downhill, do something to help fix it.

Realize That You Are Not Your Mistakes

"If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you've made, if they don't realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go." -Steve Maraboli

I love this. I love this because it is so true. It is a goal of mine to keep people in my life who are only going to continue to lift me up and continue to support me. I want people in my life who are here to truly be a friend. I want people in my life who have forgotten the old me and accept me as I am now. I need people who don't care that I was once a Negative Nancy, who don't care that I was lazy, who don't care that I was selfish. I need people to love me as I am. And ya know what? I have a lot of those. I am incredibly blessed to have been given friends and family who have adapted to the new me and who love this new version. As I continue to change and grow, these people who love me will only continue to adapt and grow with me. This is one of the biggest blessings in my life. Not many are as lucky as I to have been given true friends and a ridiculously loving family.

As soon as you, yourself, realize that you are not your mistakes, you're going to be happier. Don't dwell on what you did or did not do in the past. That was then. Whatever it was needed to happen because it has contributed to the here and now. Whether or not you're happy with the here and now is irrelevant. No matter the circumstances, you're exactly where you're supposed to be. This is the Plan whether or not you had planned it yourself. Nothing is truly a mistake. Everything happens for a reason and the sooner you realize that everything is as it should be, the sooner you're going to feel relief. Worry is useless. We all do it, we all fret over too many things, but that doesn't have to consume you. I used to let it take over my thoughts because I was scared of life. I was worried about stupid, little things that were completely trivial. I've learned what's actually worth the thought and what I just have to let go. I am not my mistakes. I am not my past. My past has led me here and I'm exactly where I am supposed to be, but it doesn't define me. I still have the power to let Him lead me where I'm meant to end up.

So, here's my suggestion to you: Do some housecleaning in your life. Get rid of the negative aspects that you have control over. Take a long, hard look at your friends, the ones with whom you spend most of your time, and weed out the ones you feel only bring you down. They're not worth keeping. I promise. If you feel that you can't let them go, talk to them about it. Ask them if they are willing to adapt, and if not, drop them. I know, it sounds harsh, but its honestly one of the best things you can do for yourself. And sometimes you do have to think of yourself. You can't go your entire life thinking only of others, the same way you can't live your entire life thinking only of yourself. You must find a balance. It can be tough, but with the right friends, its a lot easier.

Get rid of the negative things in your life. Get rid of it. If you can't, learn how to deal with it. There are still negative aspects in my life, but I've learned how to deal with them. I've learned how to overcome them and live my life the way that I want to. I've learned how to change when I need to, adapt when it's necessary, and just live. When you can finally learn this, you can breath a lot more easily. And having the right people to walk by your side is just going to make it that much easier.

"..make some difference that you have lived and lived well.."

I had completely and fully intended to get back on track before the weekend was up, but that did not happen. Once again, I didn't go crazy, I just didn't eat what I should have. And let me tell you, I've never been more excited to eat right. Every night for the past 4 or 5 nights, I've felt absolutely horrible. Horrible. As in phyisically ill. Horrible. It was so not worth it. In the moment, it was amazing. The foods all tasted so good and I was more full than I had been in months, but the price I paid for that was not worth it. Getting back on track is my number one priority today.

Updates on volunteer programs:

-I have technically "joined" one of the programs. This particular opportunity is in South Dakota with which I would be living around the Cheyenne River Reservation for close to four months.The Cheyenne River Reservation is located in two of the five poorest counties in the U.S. Plagued by high unemployment rates (about 70%), the majority of households live at or below poverty level. Volunteers provide assistance to disadvantaged Lakota youth, focusing primarily with children and families living on the Cheyenne River Sioux reservation. 

Basically, I would be working with children aged from 4 to 18 years old. During the school term the youth centre is open in the afternoons. During the summer holidays it is open all day, which is when I would be there. There is no typical day at the centre and activities include: Library time, arts and crafts, helping with homework, working in the organic garden, outdoor games, serving meals, fundraising drives within the community, helping with general upkeep of the centre. Mornings will often involve some administration and maintenance duties. There is a wide variety of ways I could be helping this community and that really excites me! 

I have thought of a couple of ways to raise some money, but I need a lot of help in doing so. I need to raise at least between $4,500-$5,000 to participate in this. $2,300 of it covers the cost of the program itself, but I would need approximately $600 in addition to cover the cost of my airline tickets, and then the rest would cover my spending money or any other additional expenses. I really love the idea behind this program and especially love the idea of living somewhere else for such an extended period of time! I want so badly to work with kids and this program is all about that!

-Another option I've been presented with is a volunteer stay in Hawaii. I know, right? Hawaii. This trip would only last 2 weeks (which is the trial period, it could be extended), but I would only need around $1,500 in total. If this 2 week trial stay is extended by the program's runners, I could stay another month for only $160 more. The only problem with this is that it isn't really a program in which I'd be giving too much back. Its basically a working vacation...which yes, does sound awesome, but isn't necessarily the experience I'm looking for. The retreat I'd be working with is a self-sustaining community that has people come and stay for cheap by contributing their services to the improvement of the facilities and grounds. I would basically be cleaning, gardening, and/or painting for my lodging. It really does sound amazing, but I'm not sure if its what I'm looking for...While there, I would most definitely find a volunteer organization with whom I would be able to help other communities in the area.

-Now, the number one opportunity on my list is a chance to work at an Italian summer camp. Dream. Come. True. I would be staying close to Macerata, Italy, in an apartment with the other counselors on the beach for 8 weeks...Yeah. My job here would include spending my mornings at the camp teaching Italian kids basic, conversational English. Once again, dream. come. true. I've been corresponding with one of the program employees over the past couple of weeks just exchanging info and talking about the program. I haven't technically been accepted, but it really seems promising. Obviously, if they didn't like my application, they wouldn't continue correspondence. This program would cost $1,900 and then additional funds for airline tickets and spending money. I would probably, again, be looking to raise around $5,000 for this. I'm kind of holding out for this one...I'm due to have a phone conversation with this woman I've been talking to sometime today! I can't wait to get some more in-depth information!

So, there you have it, my update on this venture. I just cannot express to you enough how badly I want to do this. I love the South Dakota program, but I want more than anything to travel overseas, especially to Italy. I've wanted to travel there for as long as I can remember. And to do so while helping kids? I mean, come on! That's the dream! I'm still waiting to hear from a few other programs, but so far, I'm quite happy with my options. To some that I've talked to, this apparently seems out-of-the-blue for me, but its honestly something that I've thought about before. I just never pursued because I thought there was no way that I could get enough money. But after looking further into and inquiring personally into these program, I feel that its not as daunting as I had originally assumed. I have all confidence in myself that I will be able to raise the money. I feel confident because it's something that I want. It's something that I crave. This is something that I'm growing more and more passionate about. I fear, though, that when I get a taste of this life, I'm not going to want to return to the old life...Who knows. That's one of the most exciting aspects of this. I don't know what's in store for me. I don't know what the outcome of this will be. I just know that if I don't do it, I will regret it forever.

"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
  

A post-Thanksgiving edition :)

Well, I was not planning to write an entry today, but something happened that I just had to share. I went shopping with Mom earlier and found some great pants. I slipped on a pair of adorable mustard colored jeans, pulled them up, buttoned, zipped, and bought them. What size are they? 6. Six. They are a size SIX! Holy cow! I'm still a little in shock. It was the first time I'd even attempted to try a pair that size and I am so glad that I did. I've been in an 8, sometimes a 10, but mostly an 8 for several months now. But today, even after all of the ridiculously unhealthy foods I've consumed over the past two days, I can get into a size 6. SIX! I can't get over it. 

Speaking of eating unhealthy foods, I absolutely did enjoy many a good dish this holiday, but I didn't really over-do it. I stuck to my strategy for the most part. I basically sampled the foods instead of stuffing myself to a point of self-hatred. I was full from both Thanksgiving lunches, which is a feeling I'm slightly unaccustomed to these days, but I didn't feel disgusting. I had real pumpkin pie (along with a few other desserts...don't judge..) and it was glorious. Oh, how amazing it was. I feel good about myself and the way that I behaved this holiday. I enjoyed it, I was strong, and I bought a pair of size 6 pants. SIX. Sorry, that just doesn't get old. Ya know what, no, I'm not sorry. I'm freakin' excited! 

I'll have to really kick it back into high gear over the next few weeks because I want to be able to really enjoy Christmas feasts, as well! And besides that, I really just need to get back to my better eating and exercising habits...I've been slightly off of the wagon for a little too long now, and I absolutely must get it together. Let me tell ya, I may have not over-eaten portion-wise, but I sure did consume more carbs and sugar in the past two days than I have in months and I just feel lethargic...haha I just want to sleep! Now I remember why I was so unhappy and lazy.. This is so not worth just experiencing the taste. I don't really have any regrets for indulging, but I kind of wish I had laid off of the sugar a bit..I even had real sweet tea on Thursday..I don't even remember the last time I had tea with real sugar in it. Once again, glorious. 

I sincerely hope that everyone had an enjoyable Thanksgiving holiday. I trust that you all had safe travels and indulged in just as much wonderful food as I did! I've had just a stellar holiday weekend and I am so thankful for the family and the friends that I have in my life. Most of those friends are like family and I can't imagine it any other way! I wish so badly that everyone were as lucky as I to have such an incredible family. Speaking of those crazies, here we all are  :)

 From left to right: my sister-in-law Nicole, Me, my brother Patrick, my mom Susie, my sister Hannah, her boyfriend Zach, and my dad Greg. I know, we're lovely.

 And here's what we're really like.....

 Me and Seestar :)

And lastly, Mom and her babies :)

"..not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them."

I've been accepted into 3 different volunteer programs so far! I'm still waiting to hear from several others about the status of my applications, but this is so incredibly exciting! More information to come on this subject as it develops :)

As I've been researching and applying for these programs, I've surprised even myself. I know I've said before how much I've changed to get to this point, but I'm still a little shocked at my determination to help others. As Thanksgiving approaches (tomorrow...eek! Where has the time gone?!), I've been reflecting on what this holiday actually means. Yes, we all use it as an excuse to eat ridiculous amounts of food, to see family, to watch football. But what is it really? And why do we only reflect our thanks during one season out of the whole year?

I'd never really been one to show my gratitude or express my appreciation for what I have. I had always tended to take things for granted. I'd always focused on what I didn't have instead of what I did have. Looking at my life now, I realize that I'm incredibly blessed. I have an amazing family, all of whom I'm incredibly close with. I have loving parents who are actually still married. How many people can still stay that? Even when we didn't have much money, we were never denied the luxury of living in a house filled with love. I have a house to live in, a car to drive, a job that I love, and the opportunity to do what I truly want to do. So many others are denied what I have. Sometimes I feel that I don't have much, but when I really think about it, I have a world of amazing things.

"It is not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our Thanksgiving." -W. T. Purkiser
This is what I'm attempting to do now. I'm trying to find a program in which I can share my blessings with others. I want to be able to prove to someone that there is still some good left in this world. I want to show someone that people are still good at heart and that some people are still willing to give to others. I may not have much, but I have enough to give. I'm on a quest to live a servant's life with a servant's heart. I try to do small things here and there, but participating in one of these programs would allow me to give in a bigger way. I would be able to give my love and my help to someone who doesn't have the same luxuries that are so undeservedly bestowed upon me. Just being able to give is a Divine gift in itself.

So, instead of posting a FB status everyday this month about what I'm thankful for, I'm choosing to put it all into this one post:
-I am thankful for love. I'm thankful for the love of my family, the love of my friends, and the love I'm able to give to others.
-I am thankful for my job. Sometimes I may want to smack these kids, but they're so precious and I'm so grateful for a job with virtually no commute and no paper work ;)
-I am thankful for the little money that I do have. I may not make much, but I make enough to pay for the things that I'm obligated to pay.
-I am thankful for my years at JSU. No, I'm not fond of the school itself, but I am so grateful for the experiences I had while there. I would not trade those 4 seasons marching in the Southerners ColorGuard for anything. I am so proud of myself for being a part of that. I may dislike the school, but I'm grateful for the opportunity to have learned as much as I did while there. So many are denied the opportunity for higher education.
-I am so ridiculously thankful for the amazing friends that I have. I'm still so close with so many that I've known for years, and now I've been able to add several more to that list. I'm super blessed to have become so close with these people and I don't know where I would be without them.
-I am thankful for my relationship with God. I'm not the kind of person to shove Christianity down others' throat, but that doesn't mean that I'm not a Christian. That doesn't mean that I don't pray every single day and talk to Him. That doesn't mean that I don't trust in Him to lead me where I'm meant to go. I talk about my faith in times that I feel that it is appropriate, but not just to prove to people that I am, in fact, a Christian. I am thankful that no matter what my circumstances may be, no one can take away the personal relationship I have with Him. No one and nothing can get in the way of His love. I am thankful for the life He has given me and I praise Him for what he's done and is continuing to do in my life.

Giving thanks should happen all year. That doesn't mean simply stating that you're thankful for something or someone, that should mean that you show it by taking action. Show someone you love them by doing something for them. Always tell them you love them, but showing them is a completely different kind of declaration. Show your thanks and gratitude by giving to others. By giving yourself, your love, your blessings to others, you're already giving so much. You don't have to give monitarily, you can give your services, your helping hands, anything you can. This can simply mean being there for someone when they're sad, being a shoulder to cry on, being there for someone as a friend in their time of need, being there for someone when they're happy! Don't think that small good deeds go unnoticed. They're noticed by someone. Even if you're unaware of who it affects or how it affects them, it does not go unnoticed. I'm guilty of not giving thus far in my life. I'm working on that. I'm working on becoming a better person and a better giver. I feel guilty because I have so much while many have so little and I've not been sharing it.  

Be grateful, be kind, be courteous, be polite, smile at strangers, smile at friends, smile at everyone. A smile can change someone's whole day. Pay for someone's coffee in line at Starbucks. Pay for someone's meal in line or at a table in a restaurant. If you have the means, spread it around. Pay it forward. Little things like that can start a chain reaction. Be a light in this world, not part of the darkness that unfortunately shadows so many. Be someone others can look to as a friend, as a good person. I'm not saying everyone needs to do what I'm trying to do. I'm saying you should find little things to do to help. Go through your closet and drawers and get rid of all of those clothes you don't wear. Give 'em to the Salvation Army, King's Home, a thrift store, whatever. Every little bit helps so many. Give some canned goods away to a food drive somewhere. Just do something. By giving, you're blessing not only others, but also yourself. Be thankful, be grateful, be happy.

"Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast." -WS

I slept better last night than I have in the past 2 months or so. I was out for 8 solid hours, and I feel absolutely, ridiculously rested today. I was beginning to forget how this felt...
This past weekend, we took a trip to Florida for the JSU-Florida game and it was a blast! We left Friday afternoon and returned around 12:45 Monday morning. Of course, I got basically no sleep the whole weekend, but it was totally and completely worth it. Confession time: I ate like crazy for most of the weekend. I don't feel as terrible as I normally do after a weekend like that for some reason, though. Usually, I feel gross and heavy after that, but I'm OK this time. That doesn't mean I'll do it again anytime soon, but I'm glad that I'm not suffering this time.

Major test time: Thanksgiving.
I've been thinking about it for months. I've been a little worried about it for months. I've been looking forward to it for months. My plan of attack: Eat really small portions of everything in order to actually be able to eat everything that I want. I will definitely be eating Pumpkin Pie. After the months of eating pumpkin everything, I'm ridiculously excited to eat real, yummy pumpkin pie. I. can't. wait.
The real problem here is that I get two, yes TWO Thanksgiving dinners. I have to plan, resist, and strategize for two days....this is not going to be easy, but it can be done. I can enjoy these amazing foods while still keeping myself under control.

I will NOT let myself give in and ruin all of my progress. I set myself back a little with this past weekend, but not enough to really discourage myself. I absolutely have to keep all of my past progress in the back of my mind and remember how I've gotten here. I have to not let all of my willpower fly out the window. I have to control myself. I'll just keep repeating that until this week is over...

"...I had to be here for some reason..."

"I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So, I figured, if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too." -Hugo Cabret "Hugo"(2011)

I love this quote. So much. It could not be more true! (That is a fantastic movie, by the way. I highly recommend it!)

Everyone is here for a reason, even though you may not know what that reason is. At this point in my life, I'm not entirely sure what my purpose is, or my 'calling', if you will. I know that I want to write, I know that I want to sing, I know that I want to travel, and I know that I enjoy helping people. I've still been looking into these volunteer programs and have recieved several responses offering more information and requesting more information from me and why I want to participate. I'm answering questions with these people that I've never had to answer before. Simple questions such as "Why do you want to volunteer?" or "What is your interest in this program?" Answering is almost surreal to me. I've never been interested in helping others to this extent. Not to the point of wanting to leave the life I lead, the life I'm comfortable with, and give myself to others.

If you knew me about a year ago and were not aware of all of the changes I've experienced, you'd laugh in my face upon learning of this desire... I never thought that I would want to make such changes in my life in order to benefit others. Of course, these programs aren't completely selfless...but what do I get out of it? The amazing opportunity to see other countries, to experience other cultures, to grow even more as a person. I may not know exactly what I'm meant to be doing here on this Earth, but I've been getting the feeling lately that it may have something to do with this. I don't know what exactly is pulling me in the direction of this kind of life, but I'm beginning to feel very strongly about it. I'm becoming more and more determined to be a part of one of these programs.

Of course, the biggest issue that comes to mind with this is money...I'm going to have to work hard to raise the money for something like this. A lot of these trips are actually not as expensive as I expected, but I will still have to do a lot of work. The programs I'm most interested in are Language Exchange programs in Italy. Number one, Italy is the country I most want to visit and have all of my life. Number two, I would be able to use my background in English studies to help Italian families and school-aged children learn basic, conversational English. I would stay with a host family for a few months, teach them a few hours a day, tutor at a local school, and during my free time, experience Italy. That is just my dream come true. I would have the opportunity to live somewhere else. I would have the opportunity to be on my own. I would have the opportunity to help someone. Even if this service seems small, I know that these people greatly appreciate it.

There are other types of programs I've looked into that include childcare, farm help, and conservation projects, but the Italian experience is one that I can't stop focusing on! I feel that doing something like this will only further my growth, expand my way of thinking, and improve my outlook on life even more. I need to travel. I need to experience the world. I need to do something new! I feel that this could be part of what I'm supposed to do with my life. I don't know for sure, but the only way I'm going to find out is by doing it! The only way I'm going to figure all of this out is by experiencing it myself. If I sit here and wonder about it for the rest of my life, I'll regret it. I have to at least try. I have to do something. I've applied for a program here in the US, as well. Of course I want to travel abroad, but I have nothing against helping out around here!

I will keep you all updated on my progress with this. I'm so anxious about it all and I can't wait to get some definitive answers!

"I may not have gone where I intended to go..."

"...but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."

I was reading a friend's Facebook status a couple of minutes ago, and he was talking about how he took a step back and observed how different his life has turned out. He expected to go down one path and ended up on one that was so completely different than he had planned. But out of this, he's landed where he knows he is supposed to be. This got me thinking about my own life and how differently it has turned out than I had planned. I had the basic Alabama girl plan: go to college, meet my husband, get my degree in four years, get a job, get married, and start a family. I know, so generic. But when I was younger, before I had gotten any life experience, this is what I thought I was supposed to do. I thought that I wanted the cookie cutter life, but even then, I knew deep down that it wasn't what I truly wanted, but I thought that it was my only choice. I was one to settle in every way. I didn't want to get out of my comfort zone, I didn't want to draw attention to myself, I just wanted to be normal. After doing what I've done, I've come to realize that I am nothing even remotely close to resembling "normal". I embrace my uniqueness, I embrace my "me-ness", I embrace the fact that I am my own person and I don't want to be lost among the crowd anymore.

I am on a path so far from the original path now that I can't even see that other path anymore. I am on a path on a different planet from that one. I'm 23, I'm not done with school, I don't have a degree, I'm nowhere even remotely close to being married (being perpetually single will do that..), and I'm so far from ready for kids. I may be on a different path, but I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. He already knew I was going to be here, He designed it this way. Sometimes I wish I knew more clearly where I'm going, but trusting that it will happen when and how it is supposed to is what I have. I am still going to finish school, I'm going to get married and start a family (someday), and I'm going to continue living the life that I want to live. I don't want cookie cutter. I don't want the suburbia, soccer mom, subdivision house, driving a mini-van kind of life. I want to live in a way that satisfies my need for travel, for discovery, for excitment. That's not to say I won't settle down and live a stable life, I'm saying that my idea of a stable life with a family doesn't have to be what everyone else thinks it is. That may sound selfish, but in order to live a happy life with others, you must first be happy with yourself. If you go into a situation already unsatisfied, you're probably going to continue in that feeling. So why not do something for yourself first? I have to work on me before I can effectively live happily with a family.

After yesterday's post, a friend sent me some information about a program that sends volunteers to different countries to help in various ways. I looked into this program and into other similar programs and what I discovered was that my yearning to travel is even stronger than I had originally realized. I'm doing my research and I'm getting more info about some of these programs and I'm going to try my hardest to get to a place in my life where I am able to participate in such a program. I want to travel and if helping other people is how I go about that, then I am all in. I never thought that I would be so excited to help others in need because I used to be pretty self-centered (self-loathing is actually more acurate). I had never caught that whole "I want to do good in the world" bug. I never had the urge to help other people. It was all about "how can I help myself?" Spending time doing for others what He asks us to do is what I'm after at this point. And doing so in a foreign country just sounds like the ideal situation, if ya ask me.

Alright, back to what this post was originally about. I am so very grateful to be where I am right now. I'm so happy to have found out that I want a different life. I never thought that where I am now is where I would be at this point. I realized early on in my college career that I didn't like school. Not just that I didn't like school, but that I was too lazy for it. Now that I've changed so much, I feel that I can go back and finish. However, if the opportunity were to arise for me to travel first, I will most definitely do it. I'm aware that I need to finish school. I know that I'm going to, but in this journey of self-discovery that I'm on, I know that I need to continue what I'm doing and keep learning about myself and about the world in general. I have so little life experience compared to many other people, and I want nothing more than to get out there and learn. I want to learn about other cultures, I want to be a part of other cultures, I want to be a part of something bigger than myself.

Volunteer work. That once sounded like punishment to my ears. Not anymore. Now I have a hunger for it, I have a desire for it, I have an ache for it. I have an ache to see other places, I have an ache to meet new people, an ache to make a difference. Some of the work may seem small in the grand scheme of things, but no help is gone unnoticed, even if only noticed by the people it directly affects. If those people are helped in any way, then that work was 100% worth it. Yes, I know there are many things I could do right here in my city, but I want to get out of my city. I want to get out of my comfort zone and be on the move. I want to see what's out there.

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -Douglas Adams

That just could not be more true. I am where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. I may not see the reason for it at the moment, but I am content to know that everything is as it should be.

"...Then I ask myself the same question..."

"I always wonder why birds always stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the Earth. Then I ask myself the same question." -Harun Yahya

I ran across this yesterday and I can't stop thinking about it. I feel like I've fallen into a rut. Not a rut in the sense that I, as a person, am not moving forward emotionally, but physically and somewhat mentally. I feel that I've become too complacent in this life I'm leading at the moment. I am so incredibly grateful to have a family who loves me, friends who are there for me, a house, a job, a car, etc..But sometimes I still feel that its not enough anymore. I've added many new friends in my life in the last few months, and I love them dearly. However, I feel that I've become too OK with where I am. I love my job. I love these kids, but I know for a fact that this is not what I'm going to be doing forever. I am going back to school soon and I'm going to continue striving toward my goals, but right now, before its actually beginning to happen, I feel stuck.

I want to travel so badly it hurts. I want to see anything and everything I can. If I had the money, I would absolutely be somewhere else right now. I want to take more risks, I want to be more adventurous, I want to be more spontaneous. My personality, up until this point, would have suggested otherwise, but since finding out so much about myself, I've learned that I'm actually a little less satisfied with my life than I had thought. I am absolutely in no way saying that I don't love my life or the people in it, I'm simply stating that I would love to experience more. I live in Birmingham, I visit Jacksonville, occasionally go to Tennessee, Georgia, or Kentucky for a football game here and there, but that's about all of the traveling I get. I got a small taste of it earlier this year when I spent a weekend in New Jersey, Philadelphia, New York, and DC with Dad while he was working up there. It was so wonderful to see and experience different parts of the country, and I'm so very glad that I was able to do that, but it was only 4 days. It just wasn't enough.

I want to get out of this rut. I can't wait to start classes again if only just to get something new into my routine. My life has become a little too routine, a little too predictable. I have random moments of spontaneity or excitement now and then, but nothing major happens. I love meeting new people, especially when these new people impact my life in some way. I want to meet even more new people. I've expanded my circle of friends a great deal recently and it has added a lot of excitement in my life. I've become friends with people I'd never even talked to that I had lived in the same town with for 4 years. I've learned to put myself out there more, I've learned to present myself in a way that suggests that I'm open to new things, open to new people.

I love my life. I love the people in my life. I'm grateful for my life. I almost feel guilty for wanting more, but I also feel that in some way I deserve more, that I deserve to experience new things. I want to find passion, not in the sense that most people think about that word. I mean that I want to find my real passion in life. I know that I love to sing, I know that I love to write, but I still feel that I haven't found my real niche. I have a list of things that I would love to do, but actually finding a way to do these things is going to take a lot of time, a lot of patience, and a lot of drive. I know I can accomplish these things, but I am also quite aware of how difficult and how much work it is going to take. 

I feel now, after this process, that I'm finally in a place where I can be strong enough and work hard enough to get what I really want. When you're in that position in life where you're comfortable within yourself, good stuff comes to you. When you're open and positive, you're emitting that out into the world, and the things that feel right start to happen. I truly believe this because I can feel it happening in my own life. I can feel that good things are starting to come to me simply because I've opened myself up to let these things happen. I'm in a place now where I can be me and continue to become the person I'd like to be.

"A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down." -Arnold Glasow

What an awesome weekend I had. So many friends, so much fun, not too much food. Taking as much of my own food as possible really paid off in more ways than one. I didn't eat out every meal, therefore I didn't eat a lot of bad things, and I saved so much money this time around. I enjoyed a couple of really good meals, but for the most part my eating was like any other time. The only meal that I kind of let go of the reigns was on Saturday night. I had fried pickles, a chicken caesar wrap (which was legit. best caesar wrap I've ever had.), and fries. I absolutely enjoyed every single bite of that meal. It was refreshing to eat fried things because, of all of the things I've cut out, I almost never give in to fried foods. Sunday night, I had McDonald's for the first time since March...It was amazing. I had plenty of room left in my calories for it, so I didn't over-eat by any means, but of course that doesn't mean it was OK. But ya know what? I think I needed it. I think that because I NEVER eat fast food, it kind of helped me to curb some cravings I've had as of late. Even what I did eat there wasn't too terrible; Quarter pounder (no cheese) and a small order of fries. I'm sure it will be another 6 or 7 months before I do that again, but for now I feel that I don't have to miss these kinds of foods.

Last week just wasn't the best for me for some reason. I hadn't been getting much sleep, I was having a hard time with food, and I just wasn't feeling quite like myself. After this weekend I feel rejuvenated, I feel a little refreshed. Sometimes all it takes is time with great people and a couple of nights of really great sleep to get you back to feeling like yourself. Sometimes it takes being in a bad mood to remember how great being in a good mood really is. I try not to take for granted the way I've felt for the past few months, but sometimes I forget just how amazing it really has been. I sometimes forget what the old me really felt all of the time and last week reminded me. Getting myself out of that mood also reminded me of how far I've come as a person. It reminded me that I'm strong enough to pull myself back up and not have to rely on anyone other than myself to be happy. I don't have to let others dictate how I'm feeling or how I see myself. I'm strong enough as a person, as an individual now to really help myself. Obviously, though, I have learned how to let friends affect my mood as well. But I only let them affect it in a positive way. I let these friends lift me up and remind me of how great my life is. I let friends contribute to my well-being. I don't depend on them for happiness, but I allow them to add to my joy :)

I don't feel that I have to impress anyone anymore. I don't feel that I have to over-represent myself to others to get them to like me (if that makes any sense). I can be myself completely and will still have the love of those who truly love me. If someone doesn't care to be my friend, I'm not gonna cry over it. If someone tries to bring me down in order to make themselves feel better about their own lives, I don't need them in mine. I realize now that my real friends are going to love and accept me however I'm feeling or acting. If I present myself as someone else, the ones who like that Rachel are not going to like the real one. If I let them fall for a different Rachel, the real one is not going to benefit from that fake kind of friendship. I don't need to present myself as anyone other than the real me. There's no reason not to be myself. There's no reason to attempt to attract people that I know are not actually wanting to be a part of my life. I want people in my life who truly want to be there, who truly want to keep me at my best.

"Those who love you are not fooled by the mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly, your wholeness when you are broken, your innocence when you feel guilty, and your purpose when you are confused." I don't remember who said this and I couldn't find it online again, but I love what that says. It is so true that your true friends are going to remember all of the amazing things about you no matter what bad part of you is showing through. The quote in the title of this post is also one that I love in regard to friendship. A true friend is not going to try to bring you down. A true friend doesn't get in your way unless you are falling, unless you are being pulled down by something negative. This is the time that they will step in and assist you in pulling yourself back up. Your true friends are going to love you no matter what. Your true friends love you. Simple as that.

"No legacy is so rich as honesty." -Shakespeare

I'm going to be taking a break from the blog for the next few days. You probably won't see a new post until Monday. That being said, I will still be thinking about what I'll be putting into the next entry over the weekend. I'll be thinking about what I'm doing and concentrate on the fact that what I want to report on Monday should be positive. While I'm out of town this weekend, I'll be surrounded by friends for the majority of it. That will be good for me, that's what I need right now, that will help me keep my eating under control. I'll have eyes on me, watching what I do with my food. Even if they're not actually watching me, just feeling that they are helps me to control myself. I will also be taking as much of my own food as I can. Not only will this save me some money, it will save me from making poor decisions throughout the weekend. Too often do I go out of town and eat too many large meals. I've done well the past two weekends, and I intend to keep that trend going.

I'm so looking forward to this weekend; I'm looking forward to spending time with friends, having fun, and just feeling care-free. Not too care-free, though. For some reason, I've been doing better on weekends than during the week lately. It used to be the other way around...I think because I'm often tempted by goodies in this house, I feel the need to be extra good on the weekends. Unfortunately, there are less days in the weekend than in the week.....I think not concentrating too hard on food over the weekend helps me; no over-thinking. Actually being out and about, not able to think about food keeps me on track. When I'm in this house I work in, I don't really have anything to distract me. Not good.

I think I've been kind of a Negative Nancy this week and I apologize. I'm usually the one to give words of encouragement and positivity, but sometimes this side does come out. Sometimes I just feel the need to wallow. This used to be me all of the time....yeah. I don't feel bad for posting these entries because I promised you I'd be always be honest. If I were to post these upbeat, happy entries even though I'm feeling the opposite, that would be dishonest. I will promise you that I will be over this by the next post on Monday! After a weekend of fun and freedom, I know that I'll be back to myself. Just hold on and give me some time to buck up :)

“You cannot always control circumstances, but you can control your own thoughts.” -Charles Popplestown

It is only 9:00am and I'm already doing better today than I was yesterday at this point...I feel a little more in control today than I did the past two. After talking to my mom last night about what I've been going through this week, I feel like I've been held accountable and that I can reign myself back in. I use this blog as an accountability tool for myself, but even so, I still have a hard time doing what I am supposed to do.

When I'm out with people, I have no problem making the right choices because I feel like I'm being watched a lot of the time. This is because almost everyone that I know is aware of what I've been doing. It is when I'm alone that I slip up. What my mom told me really helped to put things into perspective; I am in control. I have the power to tell myself no. I have the power to change my thoughts and not let food consume me. I have to let myself think that you are all in the room with me at all times. I have to imagine that, through this blog, I'm still being watched. I have to picture the room as if it were full of people I know. I need to imagine that the people I've given advice to are standing next to me in the kitchen, watching my every move, judging my every bite, hearing all of my thoughts about food.

If I can do this, I can finish. So far today, I'm doing a great job with this. I forgot one of my meals in the freezer, so I had to improvise here. I had yogurt and a chewy granola bar. While that is not as filling as what I had planned, it was really good and it was quite nice to have something different! I'm so used to eating the same things at this point and being forced out of the rut helped kind of boost my day :) I've grown too complacent in my meals, too stuck. I need to branch out again like I've done before. I've talked to you before about the need to change up your diet and trick your system, but it has been way too long since I've done that myself. I think this is the time for that once again. 

I told Mom that I've felt out of control over the past couple of days, as if someone else were inside of my body controlling my every move. I did so very well the two weeks before that and then I almost completely wrecked it. She simply reminded me that I am in control and that I can make the right decisions. She reminded me that I'm the one making the bad decisions. I needed to hear that very badly. I needed a bit of a slap in the face to get myself back on the right track. I am in control of my actions and my thoughts. There are no excuses, no exceptions, just me. I have more willpower than the last two days would suggest, and I know for a fact that I can do this. I've been doing it for almost a year, and I am fully aware that I'm strong enough.

This post was just kind of a venting session for me. I just need to see my thoughts or feelings in writing from time to time to really remind myself of what's going on. And now....another cup of coffee...So very tired today.

But first, here are a couple of my most recent photos and, honestly, looking at them makes me feel good :)