"One step at a time, you will reach the finish line."

As of yesterday morning, I've already gotten back down to where I was before all of the Thanksgiving feasting. I'm pretty happy about that! I had only gone up a couple of pounds, but it feels good to already be back down. I'm still having a hard time losing, though. I do feel, however, that after all of the feasting, I've gotten a lot of cravings out of my system, ya know? I feel that because I indulged in so many things that I would normally run away from, I've gotten over them! I don't feel the need to eat anything and everything when I'm at home or at the house I work in. I feel a lot more under control these days. And let me tell ya, that's a great feeling.

Now, with losing I've just got to get my concentration back. Yes, I could just stay where I am. I feel that I look good, but I just want to reach my goal! I've never really finished anything and finishing this would just be a huge accomplishment! I set a goal, I want to reach that goal. Being so close to it is really, really frustrating. I only have approximately 17 pounds left, but the finish line just seems to be moving farther and farther away from me. If I could just regain my focus and my determination, I'd be able to do this with no problems. How I'm going to do that, I'm not sure. All I can do is try. One day I'll be done and when that day comes, I'll probably cry. I know, I'm such a girl.

But for now, I'm going to continue eating correctly, choosing healthy foods, exercising when I can, and just continue being happy. I no longer allow setbacks or lack of progress get me down. Yes, it can be disappointing, but it is not the end of the world. I've come such a long way physically, and more importantly, I've changed so much as a person. That in itself is a great accomplishment and I could not be more proud of myself. I'm still going to push, I'm still going to think about it, and I'm still going to try my hardest to complete this endeavor. No matter what happens, I'm happy with everything that I've done and nothing could change that feeling :) 

P.S. The blog reached 3,000 pageviews last night :)

Be A Light Whenever Possible And Expect Nothing In Return

I'm getting closer and closer to coming to a final decision about my volunteer program, but am still working out a few details. I have been contacting different fundraising outlets and am gathering more information about raising some money. I am so very excited and I still can't believe that I'm actually doing this! And of course, as soon as I have a final word on what I'm doing, I'll let you know :)

Alright, I've spoken to you before about MamaLaughlin. She's ridiculous and she's amazing. Today, her post is all about paying it forward and doing good deeds for the holidays. She and a couple of her blog bffs (or bbffs as she calls them) have come together to collect stories from her readers about people the readers may know or the readers themselves who need some help this holiday season. Whether it's needing help obtaining Christmas presents for their kids, collecting food, or collecting clothing or coats, she wants to know and wants to help. Here is the LINK for you to follow and possibly participate. If you're not comfortable emailing her yourself, tell me your story and I'll pass it along! I commend her for doing something this big and something this meaningful. She has a lot of influence on those around her and she is using that popularity in a way that reflects the goodness still left in this world. She's using her power in the best way possible. 

 I wish that I had the means to do what she does, but that doesn't mean that I can't do some good is some small ways. The other day, I went to the bank to deposit some money. While at the ATM, I could not get the machine to accept one of the bills that I was attempting to deposit. I tried and tried, but soon gave up and put it back in my wallet. From there, I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things. On my way out of the parking lot, I saw a man, his wife, and one of their babies standing on the curb. The man was holding a sign informing me and the other drivers that he had recently lost his job and needed money to provide food and perhaps a small Christmas for him, his wife, and their two children. Then I realized why the machine wouldn't take that bill. Without any thought, I rolled down my window and gave the man the bill and all of the other loose change in my wallet. This man's smile and gracious "thank you"s were so genuine and so heartbreaking. I wish that ATM had rejected more of my money, but I did what I could. 

It's little things like this that I'm talking about. You don't have to spend loads of money to help someone. Just by paying attention to the world around you, you can make a difference. Keep an eye out for little things like this. Even if it's just helping someone load their groceries into their car, letting someone cut in front of you in line, or a smile, everything you do can make a difference. When you see another doing something wonderful like this, come out of your shell and let them know how inspiring they are. Yes, even if it's a total stranger. Do not miss these opportunities to let His grace show through you. When you see someone else doing something of this nature, give them a smile. Acknowledge that you witnessed whatever it was. Encouragement will motivate others to continue doing good. Everything has a ripple effect and when we participate in this phenomenon, more and more of that good shines through.

Of course, this applies year-round. You don't have to reserve your good deed-doing for just December. Let yourself give year-round. Be a light whenever possible and expect nothing in return. You'll be rewarded in some way at some point in your life, but don't let that be your driving motivation. The betterment of society should be your motivation. Stop complaining about how this world is going downhill, do something to help fix it.

Realize That You Are Not Your Mistakes

"If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you've made, if they don't realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go." -Steve Maraboli

I love this. I love this because it is so true. It is a goal of mine to keep people in my life who are only going to continue to lift me up and continue to support me. I want people in my life who are here to truly be a friend. I want people in my life who have forgotten the old me and accept me as I am now. I need people who don't care that I was once a Negative Nancy, who don't care that I was lazy, who don't care that I was selfish. I need people to love me as I am. And ya know what? I have a lot of those. I am incredibly blessed to have been given friends and family who have adapted to the new me and who love this new version. As I continue to change and grow, these people who love me will only continue to adapt and grow with me. This is one of the biggest blessings in my life. Not many are as lucky as I to have been given true friends and a ridiculously loving family.

As soon as you, yourself, realize that you are not your mistakes, you're going to be happier. Don't dwell on what you did or did not do in the past. That was then. Whatever it was needed to happen because it has contributed to the here and now. Whether or not you're happy with the here and now is irrelevant. No matter the circumstances, you're exactly where you're supposed to be. This is the Plan whether or not you had planned it yourself. Nothing is truly a mistake. Everything happens for a reason and the sooner you realize that everything is as it should be, the sooner you're going to feel relief. Worry is useless. We all do it, we all fret over too many things, but that doesn't have to consume you. I used to let it take over my thoughts because I was scared of life. I was worried about stupid, little things that were completely trivial. I've learned what's actually worth the thought and what I just have to let go. I am not my mistakes. I am not my past. My past has led me here and I'm exactly where I am supposed to be, but it doesn't define me. I still have the power to let Him lead me where I'm meant to end up.

So, here's my suggestion to you: Do some housecleaning in your life. Get rid of the negative aspects that you have control over. Take a long, hard look at your friends, the ones with whom you spend most of your time, and weed out the ones you feel only bring you down. They're not worth keeping. I promise. If you feel that you can't let them go, talk to them about it. Ask them if they are willing to adapt, and if not, drop them. I know, it sounds harsh, but its honestly one of the best things you can do for yourself. And sometimes you do have to think of yourself. You can't go your entire life thinking only of others, the same way you can't live your entire life thinking only of yourself. You must find a balance. It can be tough, but with the right friends, its a lot easier.

Get rid of the negative things in your life. Get rid of it. If you can't, learn how to deal with it. There are still negative aspects in my life, but I've learned how to deal with them. I've learned how to overcome them and live my life the way that I want to. I've learned how to change when I need to, adapt when it's necessary, and just live. When you can finally learn this, you can breath a lot more easily. And having the right people to walk by your side is just going to make it that much easier.

"..make some difference that you have lived and lived well.."

I had completely and fully intended to get back on track before the weekend was up, but that did not happen. Once again, I didn't go crazy, I just didn't eat what I should have. And let me tell you, I've never been more excited to eat right. Every night for the past 4 or 5 nights, I've felt absolutely horrible. Horrible. As in phyisically ill. Horrible. It was so not worth it. In the moment, it was amazing. The foods all tasted so good and I was more full than I had been in months, but the price I paid for that was not worth it. Getting back on track is my number one priority today.

Updates on volunteer programs:

-I have technically "joined" one of the programs. This particular opportunity is in South Dakota with which I would be living around the Cheyenne River Reservation for close to four months.The Cheyenne River Reservation is located in two of the five poorest counties in the U.S. Plagued by high unemployment rates (about 70%), the majority of households live at or below poverty level. Volunteers provide assistance to disadvantaged Lakota youth, focusing primarily with children and families living on the Cheyenne River Sioux reservation. 

Basically, I would be working with children aged from 4 to 18 years old. During the school term the youth centre is open in the afternoons. During the summer holidays it is open all day, which is when I would be there. There is no typical day at the centre and activities include: Library time, arts and crafts, helping with homework, working in the organic garden, outdoor games, serving meals, fundraising drives within the community, helping with general upkeep of the centre. Mornings will often involve some administration and maintenance duties. There is a wide variety of ways I could be helping this community and that really excites me! 

I have thought of a couple of ways to raise some money, but I need a lot of help in doing so. I need to raise at least between $4,500-$5,000 to participate in this. $2,300 of it covers the cost of the program itself, but I would need approximately $600 in addition to cover the cost of my airline tickets, and then the rest would cover my spending money or any other additional expenses. I really love the idea behind this program and especially love the idea of living somewhere else for such an extended period of time! I want so badly to work with kids and this program is all about that!

-Another option I've been presented with is a volunteer stay in Hawaii. I know, right? Hawaii. This trip would only last 2 weeks (which is the trial period, it could be extended), but I would only need around $1,500 in total. If this 2 week trial stay is extended by the program's runners, I could stay another month for only $160 more. The only problem with this is that it isn't really a program in which I'd be giving too much back. Its basically a working vacation...which yes, does sound awesome, but isn't necessarily the experience I'm looking for. The retreat I'd be working with is a self-sustaining community that has people come and stay for cheap by contributing their services to the improvement of the facilities and grounds. I would basically be cleaning, gardening, and/or painting for my lodging. It really does sound amazing, but I'm not sure if its what I'm looking for...While there, I would most definitely find a volunteer organization with whom I would be able to help other communities in the area.

-Now, the number one opportunity on my list is a chance to work at an Italian summer camp. Dream. Come. True. I would be staying close to Macerata, Italy, in an apartment with the other counselors on the beach for 8 weeks...Yeah. My job here would include spending my mornings at the camp teaching Italian kids basic, conversational English. Once again, dream. come. true. I've been corresponding with one of the program employees over the past couple of weeks just exchanging info and talking about the program. I haven't technically been accepted, but it really seems promising. Obviously, if they didn't like my application, they wouldn't continue correspondence. This program would cost $1,900 and then additional funds for airline tickets and spending money. I would probably, again, be looking to raise around $5,000 for this. I'm kind of holding out for this one...I'm due to have a phone conversation with this woman I've been talking to sometime today! I can't wait to get some more in-depth information!

So, there you have it, my update on this venture. I just cannot express to you enough how badly I want to do this. I love the South Dakota program, but I want more than anything to travel overseas, especially to Italy. I've wanted to travel there for as long as I can remember. And to do so while helping kids? I mean, come on! That's the dream! I'm still waiting to hear from a few other programs, but so far, I'm quite happy with my options. To some that I've talked to, this apparently seems out-of-the-blue for me, but its honestly something that I've thought about before. I just never pursued because I thought there was no way that I could get enough money. But after looking further into and inquiring personally into these program, I feel that its not as daunting as I had originally assumed. I have all confidence in myself that I will be able to raise the money. I feel confident because it's something that I want. It's something that I crave. This is something that I'm growing more and more passionate about. I fear, though, that when I get a taste of this life, I'm not going to want to return to the old life...Who knows. That's one of the most exciting aspects of this. I don't know what's in store for me. I don't know what the outcome of this will be. I just know that if I don't do it, I will regret it forever.

"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
  

A post-Thanksgiving edition :)

Well, I was not planning to write an entry today, but something happened that I just had to share. I went shopping with Mom earlier and found some great pants. I slipped on a pair of adorable mustard colored jeans, pulled them up, buttoned, zipped, and bought them. What size are they? 6. Six. They are a size SIX! Holy cow! I'm still a little in shock. It was the first time I'd even attempted to try a pair that size and I am so glad that I did. I've been in an 8, sometimes a 10, but mostly an 8 for several months now. But today, even after all of the ridiculously unhealthy foods I've consumed over the past two days, I can get into a size 6. SIX! I can't get over it. 

Speaking of eating unhealthy foods, I absolutely did enjoy many a good dish this holiday, but I didn't really over-do it. I stuck to my strategy for the most part. I basically sampled the foods instead of stuffing myself to a point of self-hatred. I was full from both Thanksgiving lunches, which is a feeling I'm slightly unaccustomed to these days, but I didn't feel disgusting. I had real pumpkin pie (along with a few other desserts...don't judge..) and it was glorious. Oh, how amazing it was. I feel good about myself and the way that I behaved this holiday. I enjoyed it, I was strong, and I bought a pair of size 6 pants. SIX. Sorry, that just doesn't get old. Ya know what, no, I'm not sorry. I'm freakin' excited! 

I'll have to really kick it back into high gear over the next few weeks because I want to be able to really enjoy Christmas feasts, as well! And besides that, I really just need to get back to my better eating and exercising habits...I've been slightly off of the wagon for a little too long now, and I absolutely must get it together. Let me tell ya, I may have not over-eaten portion-wise, but I sure did consume more carbs and sugar in the past two days than I have in months and I just feel lethargic...haha I just want to sleep! Now I remember why I was so unhappy and lazy.. This is so not worth just experiencing the taste. I don't really have any regrets for indulging, but I kind of wish I had laid off of the sugar a bit..I even had real sweet tea on Thursday..I don't even remember the last time I had tea with real sugar in it. Once again, glorious. 

I sincerely hope that everyone had an enjoyable Thanksgiving holiday. I trust that you all had safe travels and indulged in just as much wonderful food as I did! I've had just a stellar holiday weekend and I am so thankful for the family and the friends that I have in my life. Most of those friends are like family and I can't imagine it any other way! I wish so badly that everyone were as lucky as I to have such an incredible family. Speaking of those crazies, here we all are  :)

 From left to right: my sister-in-law Nicole, Me, my brother Patrick, my mom Susie, my sister Hannah, her boyfriend Zach, and my dad Greg. I know, we're lovely.

 And here's what we're really like.....

 Me and Seestar :)

And lastly, Mom and her babies :)

"..not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them."

I've been accepted into 3 different volunteer programs so far! I'm still waiting to hear from several others about the status of my applications, but this is so incredibly exciting! More information to come on this subject as it develops :)

As I've been researching and applying for these programs, I've surprised even myself. I know I've said before how much I've changed to get to this point, but I'm still a little shocked at my determination to help others. As Thanksgiving approaches (tomorrow...eek! Where has the time gone?!), I've been reflecting on what this holiday actually means. Yes, we all use it as an excuse to eat ridiculous amounts of food, to see family, to watch football. But what is it really? And why do we only reflect our thanks during one season out of the whole year?

I'd never really been one to show my gratitude or express my appreciation for what I have. I had always tended to take things for granted. I'd always focused on what I didn't have instead of what I did have. Looking at my life now, I realize that I'm incredibly blessed. I have an amazing family, all of whom I'm incredibly close with. I have loving parents who are actually still married. How many people can still stay that? Even when we didn't have much money, we were never denied the luxury of living in a house filled with love. I have a house to live in, a car to drive, a job that I love, and the opportunity to do what I truly want to do. So many others are denied what I have. Sometimes I feel that I don't have much, but when I really think about it, I have a world of amazing things.

"It is not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our Thanksgiving." -W. T. Purkiser
This is what I'm attempting to do now. I'm trying to find a program in which I can share my blessings with others. I want to be able to prove to someone that there is still some good left in this world. I want to show someone that people are still good at heart and that some people are still willing to give to others. I may not have much, but I have enough to give. I'm on a quest to live a servant's life with a servant's heart. I try to do small things here and there, but participating in one of these programs would allow me to give in a bigger way. I would be able to give my love and my help to someone who doesn't have the same luxuries that are so undeservedly bestowed upon me. Just being able to give is a Divine gift in itself.

So, instead of posting a FB status everyday this month about what I'm thankful for, I'm choosing to put it all into this one post:
-I am thankful for love. I'm thankful for the love of my family, the love of my friends, and the love I'm able to give to others.
-I am thankful for my job. Sometimes I may want to smack these kids, but they're so precious and I'm so grateful for a job with virtually no commute and no paper work ;)
-I am thankful for the little money that I do have. I may not make much, but I make enough to pay for the things that I'm obligated to pay.
-I am thankful for my years at JSU. No, I'm not fond of the school itself, but I am so grateful for the experiences I had while there. I would not trade those 4 seasons marching in the Southerners ColorGuard for anything. I am so proud of myself for being a part of that. I may dislike the school, but I'm grateful for the opportunity to have learned as much as I did while there. So many are denied the opportunity for higher education.
-I am so ridiculously thankful for the amazing friends that I have. I'm still so close with so many that I've known for years, and now I've been able to add several more to that list. I'm super blessed to have become so close with these people and I don't know where I would be without them.
-I am thankful for my relationship with God. I'm not the kind of person to shove Christianity down others' throat, but that doesn't mean that I'm not a Christian. That doesn't mean that I don't pray every single day and talk to Him. That doesn't mean that I don't trust in Him to lead me where I'm meant to go. I talk about my faith in times that I feel that it is appropriate, but not just to prove to people that I am, in fact, a Christian. I am thankful that no matter what my circumstances may be, no one can take away the personal relationship I have with Him. No one and nothing can get in the way of His love. I am thankful for the life He has given me and I praise Him for what he's done and is continuing to do in my life.

Giving thanks should happen all year. That doesn't mean simply stating that you're thankful for something or someone, that should mean that you show it by taking action. Show someone you love them by doing something for them. Always tell them you love them, but showing them is a completely different kind of declaration. Show your thanks and gratitude by giving to others. By giving yourself, your love, your blessings to others, you're already giving so much. You don't have to give monitarily, you can give your services, your helping hands, anything you can. This can simply mean being there for someone when they're sad, being a shoulder to cry on, being there for someone as a friend in their time of need, being there for someone when they're happy! Don't think that small good deeds go unnoticed. They're noticed by someone. Even if you're unaware of who it affects or how it affects them, it does not go unnoticed. I'm guilty of not giving thus far in my life. I'm working on that. I'm working on becoming a better person and a better giver. I feel guilty because I have so much while many have so little and I've not been sharing it.  

Be grateful, be kind, be courteous, be polite, smile at strangers, smile at friends, smile at everyone. A smile can change someone's whole day. Pay for someone's coffee in line at Starbucks. Pay for someone's meal in line or at a table in a restaurant. If you have the means, spread it around. Pay it forward. Little things like that can start a chain reaction. Be a light in this world, not part of the darkness that unfortunately shadows so many. Be someone others can look to as a friend, as a good person. I'm not saying everyone needs to do what I'm trying to do. I'm saying you should find little things to do to help. Go through your closet and drawers and get rid of all of those clothes you don't wear. Give 'em to the Salvation Army, King's Home, a thrift store, whatever. Every little bit helps so many. Give some canned goods away to a food drive somewhere. Just do something. By giving, you're blessing not only others, but also yourself. Be thankful, be grateful, be happy.

"Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast." -WS

I slept better last night than I have in the past 2 months or so. I was out for 8 solid hours, and I feel absolutely, ridiculously rested today. I was beginning to forget how this felt...
This past weekend, we took a trip to Florida for the JSU-Florida game and it was a blast! We left Friday afternoon and returned around 12:45 Monday morning. Of course, I got basically no sleep the whole weekend, but it was totally and completely worth it. Confession time: I ate like crazy for most of the weekend. I don't feel as terrible as I normally do after a weekend like that for some reason, though. Usually, I feel gross and heavy after that, but I'm OK this time. That doesn't mean I'll do it again anytime soon, but I'm glad that I'm not suffering this time.

Major test time: Thanksgiving.
I've been thinking about it for months. I've been a little worried about it for months. I've been looking forward to it for months. My plan of attack: Eat really small portions of everything in order to actually be able to eat everything that I want. I will definitely be eating Pumpkin Pie. After the months of eating pumpkin everything, I'm ridiculously excited to eat real, yummy pumpkin pie. I. can't. wait.
The real problem here is that I get two, yes TWO Thanksgiving dinners. I have to plan, resist, and strategize for two days....this is not going to be easy, but it can be done. I can enjoy these amazing foods while still keeping myself under control.

I will NOT let myself give in and ruin all of my progress. I set myself back a little with this past weekend, but not enough to really discourage myself. I absolutely have to keep all of my past progress in the back of my mind and remember how I've gotten here. I have to not let all of my willpower fly out the window. I have to control myself. I'll just keep repeating that until this week is over...

"...I had to be here for some reason..."

"I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So, I figured, if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too." -Hugo Cabret "Hugo"(2011)

I love this quote. So much. It could not be more true! (That is a fantastic movie, by the way. I highly recommend it!)

Everyone is here for a reason, even though you may not know what that reason is. At this point in my life, I'm not entirely sure what my purpose is, or my 'calling', if you will. I know that I want to write, I know that I want to sing, I know that I want to travel, and I know that I enjoy helping people. I've still been looking into these volunteer programs and have recieved several responses offering more information and requesting more information from me and why I want to participate. I'm answering questions with these people that I've never had to answer before. Simple questions such as "Why do you want to volunteer?" or "What is your interest in this program?" Answering is almost surreal to me. I've never been interested in helping others to this extent. Not to the point of wanting to leave the life I lead, the life I'm comfortable with, and give myself to others.

If you knew me about a year ago and were not aware of all of the changes I've experienced, you'd laugh in my face upon learning of this desire... I never thought that I would want to make such changes in my life in order to benefit others. Of course, these programs aren't completely selfless...but what do I get out of it? The amazing opportunity to see other countries, to experience other cultures, to grow even more as a person. I may not know exactly what I'm meant to be doing here on this Earth, but I've been getting the feeling lately that it may have something to do with this. I don't know what exactly is pulling me in the direction of this kind of life, but I'm beginning to feel very strongly about it. I'm becoming more and more determined to be a part of one of these programs.

Of course, the biggest issue that comes to mind with this is money...I'm going to have to work hard to raise the money for something like this. A lot of these trips are actually not as expensive as I expected, but I will still have to do a lot of work. The programs I'm most interested in are Language Exchange programs in Italy. Number one, Italy is the country I most want to visit and have all of my life. Number two, I would be able to use my background in English studies to help Italian families and school-aged children learn basic, conversational English. I would stay with a host family for a few months, teach them a few hours a day, tutor at a local school, and during my free time, experience Italy. That is just my dream come true. I would have the opportunity to live somewhere else. I would have the opportunity to be on my own. I would have the opportunity to help someone. Even if this service seems small, I know that these people greatly appreciate it.

There are other types of programs I've looked into that include childcare, farm help, and conservation projects, but the Italian experience is one that I can't stop focusing on! I feel that doing something like this will only further my growth, expand my way of thinking, and improve my outlook on life even more. I need to travel. I need to experience the world. I need to do something new! I feel that this could be part of what I'm supposed to do with my life. I don't know for sure, but the only way I'm going to find out is by doing it! The only way I'm going to figure all of this out is by experiencing it myself. If I sit here and wonder about it for the rest of my life, I'll regret it. I have to at least try. I have to do something. I've applied for a program here in the US, as well. Of course I want to travel abroad, but I have nothing against helping out around here!

I will keep you all updated on my progress with this. I'm so anxious about it all and I can't wait to get some definitive answers!

"I may not have gone where I intended to go..."

"...but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."

I was reading a friend's Facebook status a couple of minutes ago, and he was talking about how he took a step back and observed how different his life has turned out. He expected to go down one path and ended up on one that was so completely different than he had planned. But out of this, he's landed where he knows he is supposed to be. This got me thinking about my own life and how differently it has turned out than I had planned. I had the basic Alabama girl plan: go to college, meet my husband, get my degree in four years, get a job, get married, and start a family. I know, so generic. But when I was younger, before I had gotten any life experience, this is what I thought I was supposed to do. I thought that I wanted the cookie cutter life, but even then, I knew deep down that it wasn't what I truly wanted, but I thought that it was my only choice. I was one to settle in every way. I didn't want to get out of my comfort zone, I didn't want to draw attention to myself, I just wanted to be normal. After doing what I've done, I've come to realize that I am nothing even remotely close to resembling "normal". I embrace my uniqueness, I embrace my "me-ness", I embrace the fact that I am my own person and I don't want to be lost among the crowd anymore.

I am on a path so far from the original path now that I can't even see that other path anymore. I am on a path on a different planet from that one. I'm 23, I'm not done with school, I don't have a degree, I'm nowhere even remotely close to being married (being perpetually single will do that..), and I'm so far from ready for kids. I may be on a different path, but I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. He already knew I was going to be here, He designed it this way. Sometimes I wish I knew more clearly where I'm going, but trusting that it will happen when and how it is supposed to is what I have. I am still going to finish school, I'm going to get married and start a family (someday), and I'm going to continue living the life that I want to live. I don't want cookie cutter. I don't want the suburbia, soccer mom, subdivision house, driving a mini-van kind of life. I want to live in a way that satisfies my need for travel, for discovery, for excitment. That's not to say I won't settle down and live a stable life, I'm saying that my idea of a stable life with a family doesn't have to be what everyone else thinks it is. That may sound selfish, but in order to live a happy life with others, you must first be happy with yourself. If you go into a situation already unsatisfied, you're probably going to continue in that feeling. So why not do something for yourself first? I have to work on me before I can effectively live happily with a family.

After yesterday's post, a friend sent me some information about a program that sends volunteers to different countries to help in various ways. I looked into this program and into other similar programs and what I discovered was that my yearning to travel is even stronger than I had originally realized. I'm doing my research and I'm getting more info about some of these programs and I'm going to try my hardest to get to a place in my life where I am able to participate in such a program. I want to travel and if helping other people is how I go about that, then I am all in. I never thought that I would be so excited to help others in need because I used to be pretty self-centered (self-loathing is actually more acurate). I had never caught that whole "I want to do good in the world" bug. I never had the urge to help other people. It was all about "how can I help myself?" Spending time doing for others what He asks us to do is what I'm after at this point. And doing so in a foreign country just sounds like the ideal situation, if ya ask me.

Alright, back to what this post was originally about. I am so very grateful to be where I am right now. I'm so happy to have found out that I want a different life. I never thought that where I am now is where I would be at this point. I realized early on in my college career that I didn't like school. Not just that I didn't like school, but that I was too lazy for it. Now that I've changed so much, I feel that I can go back and finish. However, if the opportunity were to arise for me to travel first, I will most definitely do it. I'm aware that I need to finish school. I know that I'm going to, but in this journey of self-discovery that I'm on, I know that I need to continue what I'm doing and keep learning about myself and about the world in general. I have so little life experience compared to many other people, and I want nothing more than to get out there and learn. I want to learn about other cultures, I want to be a part of other cultures, I want to be a part of something bigger than myself.

Volunteer work. That once sounded like punishment to my ears. Not anymore. Now I have a hunger for it, I have a desire for it, I have an ache for it. I have an ache to see other places, I have an ache to meet new people, an ache to make a difference. Some of the work may seem small in the grand scheme of things, but no help is gone unnoticed, even if only noticed by the people it directly affects. If those people are helped in any way, then that work was 100% worth it. Yes, I know there are many things I could do right here in my city, but I want to get out of my city. I want to get out of my comfort zone and be on the move. I want to see what's out there.

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -Douglas Adams

That just could not be more true. I am where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. I may not see the reason for it at the moment, but I am content to know that everything is as it should be.

"...Then I ask myself the same question..."

"I always wonder why birds always stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the Earth. Then I ask myself the same question." -Harun Yahya

I ran across this yesterday and I can't stop thinking about it. I feel like I've fallen into a rut. Not a rut in the sense that I, as a person, am not moving forward emotionally, but physically and somewhat mentally. I feel that I've become too complacent in this life I'm leading at the moment. I am so incredibly grateful to have a family who loves me, friends who are there for me, a house, a job, a car, etc..But sometimes I still feel that its not enough anymore. I've added many new friends in my life in the last few months, and I love them dearly. However, I feel that I've become too OK with where I am. I love my job. I love these kids, but I know for a fact that this is not what I'm going to be doing forever. I am going back to school soon and I'm going to continue striving toward my goals, but right now, before its actually beginning to happen, I feel stuck.

I want to travel so badly it hurts. I want to see anything and everything I can. If I had the money, I would absolutely be somewhere else right now. I want to take more risks, I want to be more adventurous, I want to be more spontaneous. My personality, up until this point, would have suggested otherwise, but since finding out so much about myself, I've learned that I'm actually a little less satisfied with my life than I had thought. I am absolutely in no way saying that I don't love my life or the people in it, I'm simply stating that I would love to experience more. I live in Birmingham, I visit Jacksonville, occasionally go to Tennessee, Georgia, or Kentucky for a football game here and there, but that's about all of the traveling I get. I got a small taste of it earlier this year when I spent a weekend in New Jersey, Philadelphia, New York, and DC with Dad while he was working up there. It was so wonderful to see and experience different parts of the country, and I'm so very glad that I was able to do that, but it was only 4 days. It just wasn't enough.

I want to get out of this rut. I can't wait to start classes again if only just to get something new into my routine. My life has become a little too routine, a little too predictable. I have random moments of spontaneity or excitement now and then, but nothing major happens. I love meeting new people, especially when these new people impact my life in some way. I want to meet even more new people. I've expanded my circle of friends a great deal recently and it has added a lot of excitement in my life. I've become friends with people I'd never even talked to that I had lived in the same town with for 4 years. I've learned to put myself out there more, I've learned to present myself in a way that suggests that I'm open to new things, open to new people.

I love my life. I love the people in my life. I'm grateful for my life. I almost feel guilty for wanting more, but I also feel that in some way I deserve more, that I deserve to experience new things. I want to find passion, not in the sense that most people think about that word. I mean that I want to find my real passion in life. I know that I love to sing, I know that I love to write, but I still feel that I haven't found my real niche. I have a list of things that I would love to do, but actually finding a way to do these things is going to take a lot of time, a lot of patience, and a lot of drive. I know I can accomplish these things, but I am also quite aware of how difficult and how much work it is going to take. 

I feel now, after this process, that I'm finally in a place where I can be strong enough and work hard enough to get what I really want. When you're in that position in life where you're comfortable within yourself, good stuff comes to you. When you're open and positive, you're emitting that out into the world, and the things that feel right start to happen. I truly believe this because I can feel it happening in my own life. I can feel that good things are starting to come to me simply because I've opened myself up to let these things happen. I'm in a place now where I can be me and continue to become the person I'd like to be.

"A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down." -Arnold Glasow

What an awesome weekend I had. So many friends, so much fun, not too much food. Taking as much of my own food as possible really paid off in more ways than one. I didn't eat out every meal, therefore I didn't eat a lot of bad things, and I saved so much money this time around. I enjoyed a couple of really good meals, but for the most part my eating was like any other time. The only meal that I kind of let go of the reigns was on Saturday night. I had fried pickles, a chicken caesar wrap (which was legit. best caesar wrap I've ever had.), and fries. I absolutely enjoyed every single bite of that meal. It was refreshing to eat fried things because, of all of the things I've cut out, I almost never give in to fried foods. Sunday night, I had McDonald's for the first time since March...It was amazing. I had plenty of room left in my calories for it, so I didn't over-eat by any means, but of course that doesn't mean it was OK. But ya know what? I think I needed it. I think that because I NEVER eat fast food, it kind of helped me to curb some cravings I've had as of late. Even what I did eat there wasn't too terrible; Quarter pounder (no cheese) and a small order of fries. I'm sure it will be another 6 or 7 months before I do that again, but for now I feel that I don't have to miss these kinds of foods.

Last week just wasn't the best for me for some reason. I hadn't been getting much sleep, I was having a hard time with food, and I just wasn't feeling quite like myself. After this weekend I feel rejuvenated, I feel a little refreshed. Sometimes all it takes is time with great people and a couple of nights of really great sleep to get you back to feeling like yourself. Sometimes it takes being in a bad mood to remember how great being in a good mood really is. I try not to take for granted the way I've felt for the past few months, but sometimes I forget just how amazing it really has been. I sometimes forget what the old me really felt all of the time and last week reminded me. Getting myself out of that mood also reminded me of how far I've come as a person. It reminded me that I'm strong enough to pull myself back up and not have to rely on anyone other than myself to be happy. I don't have to let others dictate how I'm feeling or how I see myself. I'm strong enough as a person, as an individual now to really help myself. Obviously, though, I have learned how to let friends affect my mood as well. But I only let them affect it in a positive way. I let these friends lift me up and remind me of how great my life is. I let friends contribute to my well-being. I don't depend on them for happiness, but I allow them to add to my joy :)

I don't feel that I have to impress anyone anymore. I don't feel that I have to over-represent myself to others to get them to like me (if that makes any sense). I can be myself completely and will still have the love of those who truly love me. If someone doesn't care to be my friend, I'm not gonna cry over it. If someone tries to bring me down in order to make themselves feel better about their own lives, I don't need them in mine. I realize now that my real friends are going to love and accept me however I'm feeling or acting. If I present myself as someone else, the ones who like that Rachel are not going to like the real one. If I let them fall for a different Rachel, the real one is not going to benefit from that fake kind of friendship. I don't need to present myself as anyone other than the real me. There's no reason not to be myself. There's no reason to attempt to attract people that I know are not actually wanting to be a part of my life. I want people in my life who truly want to be there, who truly want to keep me at my best.

"Those who love you are not fooled by the mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly, your wholeness when you are broken, your innocence when you feel guilty, and your purpose when you are confused." I don't remember who said this and I couldn't find it online again, but I love what that says. It is so true that your true friends are going to remember all of the amazing things about you no matter what bad part of you is showing through. The quote in the title of this post is also one that I love in regard to friendship. A true friend is not going to try to bring you down. A true friend doesn't get in your way unless you are falling, unless you are being pulled down by something negative. This is the time that they will step in and assist you in pulling yourself back up. Your true friends are going to love you no matter what. Your true friends love you. Simple as that.

"No legacy is so rich as honesty." -Shakespeare

I'm going to be taking a break from the blog for the next few days. You probably won't see a new post until Monday. That being said, I will still be thinking about what I'll be putting into the next entry over the weekend. I'll be thinking about what I'm doing and concentrate on the fact that what I want to report on Monday should be positive. While I'm out of town this weekend, I'll be surrounded by friends for the majority of it. That will be good for me, that's what I need right now, that will help me keep my eating under control. I'll have eyes on me, watching what I do with my food. Even if they're not actually watching me, just feeling that they are helps me to control myself. I will also be taking as much of my own food as I can. Not only will this save me some money, it will save me from making poor decisions throughout the weekend. Too often do I go out of town and eat too many large meals. I've done well the past two weekends, and I intend to keep that trend going.

I'm so looking forward to this weekend; I'm looking forward to spending time with friends, having fun, and just feeling care-free. Not too care-free, though. For some reason, I've been doing better on weekends than during the week lately. It used to be the other way around...I think because I'm often tempted by goodies in this house, I feel the need to be extra good on the weekends. Unfortunately, there are less days in the weekend than in the week.....I think not concentrating too hard on food over the weekend helps me; no over-thinking. Actually being out and about, not able to think about food keeps me on track. When I'm in this house I work in, I don't really have anything to distract me. Not good.

I think I've been kind of a Negative Nancy this week and I apologize. I'm usually the one to give words of encouragement and positivity, but sometimes this side does come out. Sometimes I just feel the need to wallow. This used to be me all of the time....yeah. I don't feel bad for posting these entries because I promised you I'd be always be honest. If I were to post these upbeat, happy entries even though I'm feeling the opposite, that would be dishonest. I will promise you that I will be over this by the next post on Monday! After a weekend of fun and freedom, I know that I'll be back to myself. Just hold on and give me some time to buck up :)

“You cannot always control circumstances, but you can control your own thoughts.” -Charles Popplestown

It is only 9:00am and I'm already doing better today than I was yesterday at this point...I feel a little more in control today than I did the past two. After talking to my mom last night about what I've been going through this week, I feel like I've been held accountable and that I can reign myself back in. I use this blog as an accountability tool for myself, but even so, I still have a hard time doing what I am supposed to do.

When I'm out with people, I have no problem making the right choices because I feel like I'm being watched a lot of the time. This is because almost everyone that I know is aware of what I've been doing. It is when I'm alone that I slip up. What my mom told me really helped to put things into perspective; I am in control. I have the power to tell myself no. I have the power to change my thoughts and not let food consume me. I have to let myself think that you are all in the room with me at all times. I have to imagine that, through this blog, I'm still being watched. I have to picture the room as if it were full of people I know. I need to imagine that the people I've given advice to are standing next to me in the kitchen, watching my every move, judging my every bite, hearing all of my thoughts about food.

If I can do this, I can finish. So far today, I'm doing a great job with this. I forgot one of my meals in the freezer, so I had to improvise here. I had yogurt and a chewy granola bar. While that is not as filling as what I had planned, it was really good and it was quite nice to have something different! I'm so used to eating the same things at this point and being forced out of the rut helped kind of boost my day :) I've grown too complacent in my meals, too stuck. I need to branch out again like I've done before. I've talked to you before about the need to change up your diet and trick your system, but it has been way too long since I've done that myself. I think this is the time for that once again. 

I told Mom that I've felt out of control over the past couple of days, as if someone else were inside of my body controlling my every move. I did so very well the two weeks before that and then I almost completely wrecked it. She simply reminded me that I am in control and that I can make the right decisions. She reminded me that I'm the one making the bad decisions. I needed to hear that very badly. I needed a bit of a slap in the face to get myself back on the right track. I am in control of my actions and my thoughts. There are no excuses, no exceptions, just me. I have more willpower than the last two days would suggest, and I know for a fact that I can do this. I've been doing it for almost a year, and I am fully aware that I'm strong enough.

This post was just kind of a venting session for me. I just need to see my thoughts or feelings in writing from time to time to really remind myself of what's going on. And now....another cup of coffee...So very tired today.

But first, here are a couple of my most recent photos and, honestly, looking at them makes me feel good :)

 

"You are only as lazy or lacking in willpower as you think you are." - Ken Christian

Ya know what's difficult? The fact that I'm still being subjected to the left-over Halloween candy in this house....I know, I know. I should be able to resist without any problems, but...its chocolate! I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't had any, because I have. I try my best to stay out of their kitchen and away from that big, full bowl, but its really, really difficult. I've done OK so far this week, but I could be doing better. I did wonderfully over the weekend, so I definitely feel good about that! Being in this house with all of these goodies tests my willpower daily.

For a while, me and mom got out of the habit of cooking dinner during the week like we did for so long. Recently, we've gotten back into the swing of things with that and I've really benefitted from it. Its so nice to have a fresh, nutritious meal after work; a meal that is filling and makes me feel good before bed. Now, if only I could get back into the running habit...Yeah...its been too long. I'm finally almost completely over my allergy issues and I think I can get back into my running routine, but rebuilding is not going to be fun. It is not going to be easy, and I'm going to be sore and hate it for a few days, but I have no choice. I'm not going to start losing again until I do this. I'm going to remain where I am if I do not push forward with physical activity. I wish so badly that eating right was all that I had to do, but that's not the case. I can maintain without it, but I'm not going to lose.

I'm also not going to sleep well again until I get back to the running. Running makes me tired, it expends all of my energy and helps me to sleep. I haven't slept well since I stopped running. Even if I wasn't going to continue losing weight, I'd keep running just for the benefit of a good night's sleep! Oh, how I miss it....My life in general has been quite interesting and quite good over the past couple of weeks, but this task of weight loss has been looming overhead all the while. I think about it all of the time and try to focus on what I need to do. But, when I'm having so much fun, its hard to keep up with it like I should. I know from experience that I can balance the two, but I've not been doing that as of late.

I'm done being lazy about this. I'm done being unfocused. I'm done with being a slacker!

"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead..."

"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." -Albert Camus

I have had more and more people contact me or tell me in person that they follow this blog and my progress. They also tell me that they were afraid to say it or were nervous about telling me that. I love giving advice, I love helping people, I love what this blog has done for me and for others. However, I feel like people seem to be intimidated by me or this blog. I'm not really sure why that is, though. I'm a pretty easy-going person! I understand that it can be slightly uncomfortable to admit to people that you follow a blog about weight loss and self-improvement, but I want nothing more than for my readers to feel like I am a friend. I don't want anyone to feel that I am telling them what to do or think that I think that what I say is absolutely the right or only way.

I may not always lead by the greatest example. I slip up, I make mistakes. I don't always do what I'm supposed to do. I think I've done really well about being completely honest with you and confessing things to you when I feel that I've done something wrong. This is my way of proving to you that no one is perfect. I could easily not tell you about any of the slip-ups. I could easily lie and tell you that I've done well even when I haven't. That's no way to gain trust. I refuse to be a hypocrite. Saying one thing and living another is a lie. I won't lie to you. I need you to walk next to me and keep me in line. I use the knowledge that you're reading and keeping up with what I do as a motivational tool. I use that to keep myelf in check. I don't want to live in a way that would be dishonest to this blog and to you.

I'm not always right, though. Don't take what I say and do as rules that are set in stone. While I do believe that what I'm doing is right for me, I would never try to persuade someone into doing things my way if that is not the best way for said person to go about things. I want to be your friend and I want to help you. But that's all I can do. I can't change you for you. I can't lead you or pull you into a healthier lifestyle. All I am able to do is walk beside you as you try to push through. I can be a companion, I can be a guide, I can help. But I cannot lead, pull, or force you.

I want nothing more than for you to feel like you can come to me. I want you to feel like I can be your pal. I want you to be able to walk beside me and keep me company on this journey. I don't want you to feel that you have to stay a couple of steps behind. I am not superior to you in any way. I am not better than you in any way. I have simply found a way to better myself and found a way to help people begin to achieve that in their own lives. I have found this blog to be a tool for others to look into their own lives and into their own way of thinking and maybe consider making a change.

I can't say it enough: I want to be your friend. Don't look to me to be your leader. Don't look to me to tell you what to do. I'm not going to be that or do that. I'm going to help you and give as much of myself to you as I possibly can. You can do this without me. You're strong enough to accomplish whatever you want. You're much more able than you may think you are. If I've given you some glimmer of inspiration or motivation, that's amazing and I'm so proud to take that role in your life. But just remember, YOU are the one who has to decide how and what you're going to do.

Release the pressure and feel free again.

It is a wonderful phenomenon that telling our stories can get us through the most miserable, horrible life experiences. Reliving these stories can help us deal with the aftermath of them. Share your experiences, share yourself. Share your mistakes and heartaches. Share as much of yourself as you feel comfortable giving away. Don't bottle things up, just get it off of your chest. Hiding can be so very exhausting and it can cause you to run yourself ragged and spread yourself too thin. Release the pressure and feel free again. 

What I just expressed to you is something I have to tell myself all of the time. When I was still the old me, I kept everything to myself. I let things build and build until I exploded into a fit of emotion and tears, periods of depression, and sometimes periods of anger. I felt that sharing certain things would be the equivalent of complaining, which I already did enough of as it was, or that I would be embarrassed by it. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone, even my best friends or family. I just felt that it would be easier to keep things to myself and I have learned over time that doing that is the complete opposite of what I should have been doing. I didn't think that it would help anything by sharing my feelings or expressing to someone what I was going through. I, being of the melancholic nature, decided to wallow in pity. As I've grown, I now can see that sharing with others is healthy. Sharing with others is helpful. Not only have I let myself be transparent through this blog, I have let myself become more transparent in life. 

I do, of course, still keep some things to myself, as everyone does. However, I'm learning how to share my burdens with those who are willing to help me carry them. I have so many people close to me who are happy to lend a hand or a listening ear when I need to share. I am truly grateful for these people and I only wish that everyone was so lucky. What I'm trying to say here is that you need to get things out in the open. Even if you think it will embarrass you in some way, you need to open yourself up. Keeping things inside can cause you to fall into deep holes that become harder and harder to climb out of without some help. I know this from too many experiences, and if I had realized that accepting help was OK, I would have saved myself so many breakdowns and months of depression. Be an open book. Even if you don't think you can, try to give yourself to others and get out of your comfort zone from time to time. It is so incredibly worth it and I only wish that I had realized this sooner in my life. 

When I shared my experience with chew/spit, I was very embarrassed. I was incredibly ashamed, but after getting it out, I was more easily able to control it and eventually stop. I felt judged after sharing that, even though I know that's probably not the case. I felt like if I were to have continued doing that, I would be letting others down, including myself. So talking about it saved me from continuing down that unhealthy path. I cannot express to you enough how much pressure I felt lift off of my chest after talking about it. Sharing your stories, stories from the past or present, is a good thing. It doesn't matter how far back something may have occurred. If you still feel some kind of emotion stemming from it, you need to talk about it. Some things can eat you up inside so don't let your pride or your fear stop you from letting others into your life. I encourage all of you to take the time to talk to someone about what you've gone through or whatever your current situation may be. You don't have to expect answers, just tell someone. As always, I'm here for all of you, all of the time. Call me, text me, email me, Facebook me. I don't care. I'm here for you if you want to share. 

“Since golden October declined into sombre November..."

Hello and Happy November everyone! I trust that everyone had a fun and safe Halloween, and I also hope that you enjoyed reading my mom's post. Now you can see why I feel so grateful to have her as an influence in my life!

Alright, so today, as I'm sitting in this house I work in, I am faced with the task of having to resist all of the left over Halloween candy... AND cupcakes...I haven't had to be this strong in a while...I want a cupcake. I want a cupcake bad. BUT I will resist, I will sit here and enjoy my yummy coffee and egg beaters and cheese omelette. Later, I'll enjoy the heck out of some oatmeal. After that, I'll have a delicious frozen chocolate smoothie. I will eat only the foods that I brought with me. I will not ruin what I've done this week! I have finally gotten back down to my absolute lowest point as of this morning (even a couple of ounces under), and I would really, really love to get under that by the end of the week. I'm 100% sure that I can accomplish this. I'm not spending the weekend out of town like I have for the past two. I'm not doing anything really out of the ordinary, so there is no excuse (not that any of that was an excuse) for me to not do what I say I will do.

I'm not sleeping well, guys, but I think that I've figured out why. I honestly think that I've been stressing about my weight for the past couple of weeks. I think its that combined with the bad eating that took place during those weekends (especially that first one when I went crazy..). I think my body is no longer accustomed to unhealthy foods and over-eating at this point and is now retaliating for it. Anytime I go through something like this, I remember why I started this whole thing in the first place. I am reminded of how poorly I slept, how gross I felt, how miserable small daily activities were. I am reminded of how I once lived and the effects of that lifestyle. And now that I am recalling those things, I can more easily and readily continue on the good track once more. I can move forward, I can leave behind the old ways. Again.

In all honesty, it did feel nice to let go for just a little while. It felt freeing to not live so tediously for a bit. It felt good in the moment. BUT I let it continue for too long. I let it become the norm for longer than I should have, and I got comfortable doing it. Now that I've done well again, it is so much easier for me to keep going in the right direction. I've said it before and I'll say it again: positive results are my greatest motivators. Seeing good numbers on the scale makes me want to push. Also, seeing people that I haven't seen in a long time and seeing their reaction to how I look. ..That. That is a good motivator. It gets really easy to become complacent in how I see myself. Sometimes I forget that I've shaved off 5 jean sizes and I don't always see what others see when I look in the mirror. So, when I am reminded of this from others, I am motivated again.

It may sound vain, but it never gets old to receive these compliments from others. Its not just a validation of my self-image, its a validation of my hard work. Its a reminder for myself of what I've accomplished. Its easy for me to lose sight of everything I've done and just focus on what I have left, to just focus on the number of pounds I still want to lose, so the kind words tend to bring me back down to Earth. Its easy for me to let 64 just be a number. I've lost 64 pounds. I tell people all the time because I'm asked all. the. time. Its just a number that rolls off of my tongue. I forget how big that number actually is. I am so ready for that number to change...I've been saying it for far too long.... I appreciate every compliment that I receive and I'm so proud to tell people how much weight I've lost when I'm asked. Because of all of this, I can push myself further. I can take these words and think of them everytime I think I'm going to eat something bad or if I try to come up with an excuse not to exercise. Every bit helps me. YOU help me. I've been told that I'm helping others, and that's absolutely wonderful. But I never dreamed that I could be this person to others. I truly believe that this blog is helping me more than anyone. Putting my thoughts down in words helps me to see the bigger picture and if that happens to benefit others in the process, then I'm satisfied with what I'm doing. :)

We had a fun Halloween!