The Root Of My Addiction: Part III

Part I

Part II

So, I started hanging out with these new friends and with that came new experiences. I was staying out later, I was spending more time outside of my home, I started drinking alcohol on the weekends. Before New Year's Eve of my Senior year, I had never even tasted an alcoholic drink. I can honestly say, though, that it wasn't peer pressure, I chose to do it all on my own. I wanted new experiences and this was my way of doing it. I didn't go absolutely crazy or anything, but I did drink a good bit with these people. As we all know, alcohol is a good way to consume a lot of empty calories. The alcohol itself is high calorie and whatever mixer you use adds so much to it. Looking back, I can't believe how many calories I used to consume just through liquid. Ugh. Dumb.

I don't know if my parents ever knew this, but they'll know now....When they went out of town for any reason over the weekend, I had all of these people over and we partied. This occurred on several (like, quite a few) occasions. Sorry Mom and Dad...But it's true. Not only did we have an awesome basement, but I loved not having to party out in the woods (because that's what rednecks do). There was also no worrying about how to get home for me or my friends. Unfortunately, I used all of this partying as an excuse to eat even more. I mean, what else do you do when you're hungover? You eat. And you eat bad things. I think that I used all of this as a way to hide how I was feeling about myself and my appearance. I hid behind the facade of being drunk and happy. I hid the fact that I was incredibly unhappy with myself. I felt guilty about partying, I felt guilty about lying and hiding things from my parents, and I felt ashamed at times. I didn't express these feelings to anyone because I didn't want to hurt my friends or get into trouble with my parents, so I bottled it all up. This would prove to be a poor decision.

I put on a good show and acted confident, but deep down, I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I felt about myself. I was unhappy with myself and used spending time with these friends as a way to forget my misery. After a few months of partying, we all started to kind of wind down. The Summer was coming to an end and all of us were going to be moving away to college. This is when my depression set in. For some reason, I fell into one of the deepest bouts of depression I can ever remember having. Knowing that I was leaving home and leaving my friends and everything that I was used to made me feel so incredibly down. On top of that, feeling down made me reclusive and anti-social which in turn made me feel guilty for not wanting to spend as much time with everyone as possible before leaving. I was stuck in this hole and I just couldn't seem to climb out. I was staying up until 6 or 7am every day for no reason other than the fact that I could spend all of that time alone while everyone else slept, and then slept until 1 or 2pm. It was a horrible cycle and I can remember just being so ready to leave and begin a new life. 

I still feel guilt about this time in my life because I could have soaked up every last second with these people, but instead, I spent the end of an amazing Summer feeling sorry for myself and being alone. I wish that I could take it back, but I can't. I ended up gaining a good bit of weight around this time because of the depression, no physical activity, and just simply over-eating. This made me feel even more horrible about myself because I wanted more than anything to go to college feeling confident and beautiful. I could not have felt more opposite. Instead of helping my sister pick out furniture and decor for her very first apartment, I focused on the fact that I wasn't getting to buy all new stuff for my first dorm room. I resented that I was getting her hand-me-down dorm decor instead when I should have been grateful to receive all of this awesome stuff for free. I should have helped her in picking out her new stuff and celebrating the fact that she was moving into an apartment for the first time, but no. I chose to focus on myself and my depression. I try not to feel regret about anything, but I absolutely regret how I handled that Summer. I regret how I treated myself and how I treated my friends and family. I know that they all forgive me if I hurt them or pushed them away and I have forgiven myself, but it still hurts to look back on. 

To blame all of this on changing social circles would be so easy, but so inaccurate. I loved that group and loved spending time with them. I can only blame myself for letting the social anxiety and depression get so out of hand. Being of the melancholic nature, I tend to feed my ailments. Instead of fighting the depression, I gave in and let it take over. I know now how to avoid it and stop it in it's tracks, but only after years of training and fixing myself. I can now keep my depression at bay without letting it consume me, but it's not always something that can be controlled. When I do fall into these phases, food is the best comfort for me. Food is always there and always fulfilling, at least in that instant. 

Leaving for college was a new start, one in which I could be whomever I chose to be. I chose to be more outgoing, I chose to be more social, and I chose to continue my marching career. Joining the Marching Southerners Color Guard was the hardest, most rewarding, and most fun experience of my life. This was the kind of experience that I would never take back and is something I can look back on fondly for the rest of my life. Attempting to describe this activity and family to outsiders is basically futile. Unless you've lived it or are close to the situation, there's no way to understand it and there's no explaining it. It's an entity and a group that changed my life and I will never regret spending those four years at a school that I ended up leaving without a diploma. This is the time during which I discovered a lot more about myself and really began to grow up.

The Root Of My Addiction: Part II (100th Post!)

If you missed Part I, you can catch up here.

As I entered high school, I was still not incredibly confident and I was still shy. I still had a hard time making new friends and the first half of my Freshman year wasn't great. I was having a hard time finding my place and finding a group of people to be myself with which caused more grief and a tighter grip onto food. I had lost a little bit of weight, though I'm sure most of it was just from growing up a little and losing some baby fat, but I was still a size 14. I was a size 14 from the time I hit high school until a little over a year ago. I was still viewing food and eating as a way to release emotion and feel good about something, though there certainly wasn't a good feeling about myself. People may gawk at others who are "emotional eaters" and say that it's sad or disgusting, but if you've never been there, you have no idea. There's something about eating that can make you feel euphoric, as dramatic as that sounds. 

The second half of my Freshman year is when my social life began to change and become more positive. I began to spend more time with the friend from elementary school and she introduced me to a few of her friends. I was welcomed into this group and it changed my happiness in a big way. All of these friends were in the same youth group, so I started going home to one of their houses on Wednesdays after school and began attending church with them. This youth group provided more acceptance than I had ever experienced at a church. The youth pastor was fantastic, everyone loved him, and I found a place where I could be more myself and grow as a friend and as a Christian. My whole attitude toward life changed and I felt slightly more confident. I found my first (of several in the group) boyfriend here, I found my true friends, and I truly enjoyed going to church. I had never felt attractive until joining this group, which sounds like an odd thing to say about a church experience, but it's true. I had never been flirted with, never been asked out, never been kissed. But with this group, I had found more confidence and more self-assurance. With this group my fat butt was feeling a little less like being fat was not an OK thing. 

These friends were all in band, as well as my sister, so of course I had to be a part of that! Before starting high school, I had auditioned for and actually was chosen to be a part of the color guard, but I just wasn't emotionally or physically ready for it and ended up quitting before the Summer was even over. However, after making these amazing friends, I knew that I had to try out again. I made it again and began marching guard my Sophomore year. This was an awesome year for me. Me and my sister had become more like friends again, I was hanging out with the best people, I had more than one circle of friends because of this, and I was definitely more active than before. People may joke about and laugh at band geeks, but it's not just something that you do. It's time consuming, very physical, and exhausting. But it's also a lot of fun and makes you feel like you're a part of something. Performing in front of crowds was incredibly beneficial for someone like me and I feel that it made me more well-rounded. I was also in choir all four years and that group added a lot of good experiences, as well. Performing in this capacity was just another way for me to build confidence and become a better person in general. 

My self-esteem had risen a good deal during this year, but I was still unhappy with my appearance. I wasn't happy with how I felt about myself, but because I can be an emotional eater, I ate even more to make myself feel better. I know, that sounds like it doesn't make any sense, but to someone who's lived it, it's truth. Because I was marching, the physical activity did help to balance out the eating habits, but I was still eating anything and everything that I could. My Junior year is when things began to change in the social circles. My sister had graduated and left for college, I believe this was the year our youth pastor left, and some friends had left our group, but we gained new ones. I was still happy for the most part, but school was an issue at times. I've never been a great student simply because I hate school. I hate studying, I hate math, I hate science. I just have never been a good student. Ever. My grades were mediocre because all I cared about was my social life and with that came social eating. I had gained a little bit more weight that year, but was still a size 14. 

With my Senior year came a great deal of changes. Changes in friends, changes in behavior, changes in decision-making. I wasn't eating quite as much as I had been, but what I was eating wasn't good. I didn't make good choices and I was only eating 2 times a day thinking that was a good strategy. In reality, it was the worst thing for me. Because I was only eating lunch and dinner essentially, when it actually did come time for one of those meals, I was like a hungry, hungry hippo! It didn't matter how big the portions were, I was gonna eat every last bite on the plate. I felt ashamed every time I finished a meal. And then later in the evening, I would sneak something sweet and delicious to shovel into my mouth in private. Ya know how some people experience buyer's remorse after shopping? This is how I felt after a binge. I was never the kind of person who even considered purging because a) I hate throwing up and b) I wasn't stupid enough to give into something like that, but I hated myself for giving in to the overwhelming need to eat. I hated it and this is still something that I experience to this day.

The first part of that year was like the previous two: marching, church, friends. However, when a new youth pastor took over, many of the members left. We just weren't fans. He was a good person, but to us, no one could take the place of the previous. Many of us left, claiming to find another youth group, but most of us just left. This is around the time that me and my closest friends began hanging out with a different group of guys. These guys were fishers, hunters, four-wheeler ridin', muddin', truck-drivin' kinda guys. They were also drinkers. I had never had a taste of alcohol in my life until January of my Senior year of high school. But with this new group came a new way of having fun and the dynamics of our social lives changed.  My way of life was altered and I didn't think twice about it. It was fun and that's all I cared about at the time. YOLO! Just kidding. If you ever hear me say that out loud, even if it is ironically, please slap me. And everyone else you hear say it. And while you're at it, give 'em another slap if they use the term "swag". Or are wearing hipster glasses with no prescription. Or if they look homeless, but are using they're iPhone and Macbook in Starbucks. I digress. Part III is coming tomorrow, so stay tuned :)

The Root of My Addiction: Part 1

I know that in the past I've discussed the reality that is my addiction to food and eating, but I've never really delved into the basis of the problem. I've never really thought about the why factor of the issue. When I look back to the period of my life that I can remember the weight gain beginning to take place, I try to think about my emotional state and habits of that time. I didn't start to put on the pounds until I hit puberty, which was around the age of 11 or 12. I was never overweight before this age, I was never obsessed with eating, I was just a normal kid. Well, normal in terms of weight. So what happened? Why did I start eating more? I'm going to share with you my story in several parts because it's not something that I can fit into one post. Well, not without overwhelming you and myself with 27 paragraphs...So, here's the first part of my story. 

The answer to those when and why questions can never be answered definitively because there is no way for me to remember absolutely everything about how I felt at that age, but I do remember not feeling comfortable with myself. I remember not making friends easily. I remember feeling kind of lonely. At the end of elementary school, I had plenty of friends. I was happy, I was doing well in school, I was just living like any other kid. When it was time to go to middle school, a lot changed. One of my closest friends ended up going to a different school, my remaining friends were not in any of my classes, there were issues with family and finances, and I was still really shy. I had a hard time making new friends because of my social anxiety and shyness and, though I did slowly make new friends, I really only had 1 or 2 close friends. Also at this time, my sister had started high school and was not spending as much time with me as she once had. She was growing up, making new friends, taking on harder course loads, and we were sharing a room. This can cause any relationship to strain... All of these things can be pretty common among siblings, but I knew that our age difference was finally affecting our relationship. 

I also had a pretty rocky relationship with my brother at this time. When I started middle school in the 7th grade, he was already a Junior in high school. We might as well have lived on separate planets. He was struggling emotionally and I just could not connect with him on any level. Our age and personality differences were just too much to allow us to be friends. Another problem was that most of who I considered to be my closest friends were the ones I hung out with at church. My parents both had jobs in our church. Which was in Alabaster. Which was 40 minutes away. All of these friends attended school in a different county. I was only able to see these people a few times a week. They had other friends at school and I only got to see them outside of church every once in a while. I spent a lot of time at this church because of my parents' jobs and unbeknownst to them, I ate a lot of food while there. I sneaked food from the kitchen, the youth room kitchen, found money for the vending machines. Honeybuns were basically my favorite thing on Earth. And I drank a lot, and I mean A LOT of Coke. I also ate out of boredom. Too often. A lot of people eat when they're bored and I think I was the queen of this activity. I spent hours, days in this church during the Summer while Mom was working. I watched movies, played around, and ate. And ate, and ate, and ate. 

With all of these factors, I felt that I was not in control of my happiness. But ya know what I did have control over? Eating. I felt comfort in eating. I felt happiness in eating. I felt less lonely while eating. Sometimes the only time I was able to spend with my whole family was during dinner. This association became a factor in my comfort through eating. I'm not saying that I blame my family or any one person in my family for my poor eating habits and addiction. I am the one and only person to blame because I let these things affect me. Even though we never kept super unhealthy things or junk food in the kitchen at home, I found ways to obtain terrible food (see above paragraph about church..) Anytime we did have treats in the cabinet, I would sneak in and eat as much as possible whenever I could. Through the sneaking, the sense of accomplishment that came with getting away with it set in and fed my addiction. I was in control of this one thing and it made me happy.

I was really unhappy in middle school. It was the first time in my life that I can remember depression affecting me. Depression runs in my family and it certainly did not skip me. I can remember a time when I felt so miserable with myself, school, and other familial factors that I just didn't care. I cried a lot, I kept to myself more than I should have, I didn't do well in school and I didn't care to do well. I just wanted to get through the day and get home to eat whatever I could find. I let myself get out of control and I think I skipped from child sizes straight to about a size 12 and, eventually, up to a 16. In middle school. I was too young (and too short) to be that big. I hate looking at my yearbook pictures from this time in my life not only because of my appearance, but because I can remember how I felt. It's not something I like to think about. I actually have a hard time remembering a lot about middle school because over the years, I suppressed the memories without even realizing it. 

High school changed a lot of things for me, but the addiction did not subside. It was a much better experience than middle school, but food was still a huge factor in my life. I was still not doing too well in school, I still had low self-esteem, and I was still uncomfortable in my own body. But things were looking up!

To Be Continued!

Progress: Visible Differences

"You're losing weight, huh." -Adele to me. That's the best thing I've heard in weeks. She honestly doesn't see me terribly often because of her work schedule, so to hear her say this to me shows that it is actually becoming noticeable. She's known me for over 2 months now and the fact that she can see a visible difference in my size is so incredibly reassuring that what I'm doing lately is working. The number on the scale may be moving more slowly than I'd like, but that doesn't matter as much as how I look and how I feel that I look. When she said that a few minutes ago, my reaction was something along the lines of "Am I? Thank God!" 

I feel good. I feel accomplished. I feel motivated. I feel sore. I can't seem to get past the soreness yet, but that's OK because it's such a good feeling. No pain, no gain, yeah? I've been running what I can outside and then finishing off the 30 minutes of exercise on the Elliptical. So, no matter how long I last out there on the pavement, I'm getting the full, recommended half hour of daily exercise. I find myself about half way through saying "I don't have to finish, what I've done is enough". But then I look at the "calories burned" part on the machine's screen and I can't help but push myself as much as I can to get rid of a couple hundred calories. Doing my workout as soon as I get back from dropping the kids off seems to be the best way to work it into my daily routine. If I wait too long, I may not do it at all. When I get back, I don't think about it. I go straight to my room, change clothes, put on my shoes, and head out the door. I feel like that may be the best option for most people. When you over-think, you can often talk yourself out of things. Just do it, get it over with, be done. Just like ripping off a band-aid.

I'm also beginning to really sleep well again because of the exercise. I feel more worn out by the end of the day and it is so incredibly helpful for a full night's sleep. If you know me at all, you know that I hold sleep in a very high position on the priority list....It may be my favorite thing to do. I wish I was exaggerating. Seriously, I love sleep. I love feeling well-rested. I love the physical and mental benefits. I love everything about it. Without enough of it for too long, I tend to be cranky, stressed, and sometimes even physically ill (usually a headache). Just trust me on this and know that no sleep for Rachie is a very bad thing. However, thanks to this exercising on a regular basis again, I am functioning much more successfully again. A less witch-like Rachie, if you will, is here again.

Today's post is brought to you by the letter 'progress'. I'm feeling optimistic about my attitude towards staying healthy and getting down to that goal weight. I hate that it's taken me so long to really get back to normal, but better late than never, right? I wish I could fast forward sometimes and be done already, but where's the fun in that? I'm kind of excited about the hard work that's still in front of me. I know, I'm cray. But the sense of accomplishment is worth all of the heartache and pain. So, here's to the exciting road ahead of me. Cheers! (With a low-calorie drink to toast, of course ;)

Walking: It's Not Pointless

You may not think that just walking is very effective, but let me just say that over the course of this past weekend, I lost over 3 pounds because of it. When I go spend time with the boy, we walk almost everywhere. This is because parking in these cities is always a nightmare and everything really is within walking distance if you have the time. AmIright? Yes. We walk to go out to eat, to the train station to get to other cities, walk around San Francisco, just everywhere basically. You may not think about the distance in terms of calories burned while you're doing it, but in reality it is doing you so much good to walk instead of drive. Now, I've always been the kind of person that was always in too much of a hurry to not drive, but since moving here, I've slowed down in so many ways. Not only do I enjoy walking, I feel more accomplished from it in some ways. 

Now, when I say that we walk a lot, I mean we really cover a lot of miles over the course of a weekend. I don't know exactly how many, but it's a lot. I do know that. Let me paint you a little picture: I ate 2 hamburgers, a large sandwich, fries on two separate occasions, granola-type bars, bananas, coffee with real sugar, shrimp pasta, a fried prawn appetizer, ice cream on 2 separate occasions and still managed to lose more than 3 pounds. That's how much walking we do. The point that I'm trying to make here is that if you're able, do little things to encourage yourself to walk in your daily routine. At the grocery store, don't fight other people for that front parking spot. Park toward the back and walk a little bit. It won't kill you. Little things like that can add up and really become a positive, noticeable change. If you're not at the point of being able to run for exercise, walk instead and build yourself up. I mean, that's how this former fatty got started! 

Back to my weekend. It was pretty amazing. I was off for almost the whole day on Friday, so we went to lunch then headed into SF. We walked around, caught a movie, then met up with a friend of mine from home. This was such a treat! It was comforting to hear those Southern accents and talk about familiar things :) From the house he was staying in, we were able to watch the fireworks from AT&T Park after the Giants' win. That was a pretty great experience. Saturday was a bit lazy, but enjoyable nonetheless. Sunday, we went back into SF for the Giants game. *Sigh*. I love living here. I love that I'm able to do this so easily. The game was awesome (we won 5-0) and of course the company was enjoyable, as well. After the game, we walked back through the city to a friend's place to borrow his car and we drove back to my house, but not before taking in a delicious dinner at First Street Cafe in Benicia. Despite the blisters on my poor feet, this weekend was near perfection. Nothing super exciting, yet pleasant, fun, and memorable. 

The adventures are on-going and there's never a dull moment lately. Being out in the Sun, enjoying life seems to be what I do best now. That's definitely not a bad thing, though. Eventually the lounging and adventures will be more sporadic when it's time to start school again, but for now, I'm taking everything in as it happens and not taking anything for granted. And you should do the same, no matter your circumstance. Nothing is ever so bad that you can't take a moment to smile about something. Now get out there and walk!

"Make You Banana Pancakes, Pretend Like It's The Weekend Now."

Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah...Louis, this is not my Batman glass......Yes, I realize not everyone is familiar enough with "Family Guy" to understand that reference, but the 'woahs' from that is the best way for me to convey how much I want you to stop what you're doing and pay attention. I had THE BEST pancakes for lunch yesterday! Ok, remember my Pumpkin Pancake recipe? Here's a refresher. This is the same, but minus the pumpkin, replace with a banana. Woah! Right? It is literally the same recipe, same process, but instead of using the pumpkin puree, mash up an overly ripe banana in a bowl and add to the rest of the batter. It is AH-MAZING. I cannot even begin to describe how incredible these fluffy, thick, warm, banana-y morsels are. Ok, that was kind of a description, but you get what I'm trying to say. They're delicious! Yes, the calorie count goes up a bit because bananas are higher in calorie than pumpkin puree, but I felt more full after eating these than I do with the pumpkin version. And come on, they're still a bit healthier than regular pancakes, especially when using the low-calorie products that I swear by. Indulge. Guilt-free (almost).

I had these right after I came in from a really awesome run, so I know that my metabolism was up and running and ready for sustenance. Side note: banana is a really good food to eat pre and/or post run. The carbs and potassium give you lots of energy! Bottom line, I feel amazing right now. The run yesterday was about 60% better than the day before. I ran larger chunks of the route and didn't come in wheezing like an 80 year old smoker, and I'm proud of myself for pushing through the pain. For the first time since I moved, I feel like I'm finally getting myself under control. More importantly, I feel that I am the one in charge of my body. For the past couple of months, I've felt that FatRachel has been controlling my every move and not letting go of the reigns. I'm kickin' that chick's butt back into the background. She WILL NOT win. I ran again today and let me tell ya, my calves are furious with me. I have not been this sore in a really long time. Too long. It really is the best pain. 

Unfortunately, I'm still in the rebuilding stage in terms of distance and stamina, but I think that this week has been a big step in the right direction! I clocked my route today and found that it is about 1.3 miles. I'm running for about 20-25 minutes and, while I was down to about a 9:30 mile at my peak, I think that my time now isn't terrible when you take into consideration the long break I took. There are also 2 quite large hills on my route and I've never had to deal with that....That's definitely slowing me down which makes me feel like such a fatty. I have to walk a couple of portions of the hills, but I'm running the majority of the distance. In general, I feel really good about everything right now. I feel better about myself physically, mentally, and emotionally and this makes me want to keep being good. I want to keep not screwing up my eating. I want to keep on this track! I woke up today not feeling bloated, not feeling heavy, not feeling like a failure. Those are reasons enough to keep it up.

I hope, more than anything, that none of you guys have lost faith in me because I know there was a long period there where I was not living up to my own standards. That always makes me feel like I'm letting you down. I've said it before and I'll say it again: If I'm not behaving, I write less often. I don't like having to 'fess up about my wrongdoing, so I just kind of avoid it. So, when there are more breaks in between posts, you know that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to. Keep me accountable, man! Facebook message me, text me, call me, just do something to kind of slap me and say "hey fatty, where are your posts? What are you doing wrong? Tell me, tell me, tell me!" Help a fatty out. I need your help just as much as anyone else. 

2nd Monthiversary

The time has really been flying by quickly. As of today, I've already been here for 2 months and it's really hard to believe. I'm still experiencing new things, seeing new places, meeting new people, and just really enjoying life as it's happening. I don't find myself in a hurry these days and that's quite a nice feeling. I feel like I used to always be in a rush and usually for no good reason. Life itself is taking it's time here and I'm more able to enjoy what happens as it happens. This is something I think everyone should strive for. Yes, in the recent past, I've been pretty stressed out about certain things, but for the most part, I'm pretty mellow. Not letting yourself feel pressured is a great way to stay positive. 

Seriously, I can't believe I've been here for 2 whole months already! But honestly, it feels like longer, yet not so long at the same time. Does that make sense? I think it feels longer because I'm settled in completely and not so long because I'm enjoying everything. Yeah, that makes sense. To me, at least. BTDubs, I hit eating right hardcore yesterday. I even had a really good run. I'm super sore today and wheezing a little, NBD. I'll go run again today. I've been using the elliptical occasionally, but that just doesn't compare to the running shoes hitting the pavement. It's not as good a work out and I just enjoy running and am less bored by it. I'm doing better eating healthier options and sticking to my plans. Yes, I still slip up. Yes, I still struggle daily. Yes, I end up going to sleep wishing I hadn't eaten something that I shouldn't have. But that's the nature of weight loss issues. It happens to everyone in my position, no matter what they tell you.

I weighed myself today for the first time in probably over a month. I was shocked to find that it wasn't nearly as bad as I was anticipating. I was legit expecting to see that I'd gained 15 pounds back, but to my pleasant surprise, it was only about 8 1/2. That's a relief. But it's sad that it's a relief. I should NOT be relieved about an 8 pound weight gain. But it's better than how I feel about how I look. It's come back to that complacency issue. Because I've been at the same size and now with the concrete knowledge of a regain, I feel gross. I feel fat. I truly feel like I've gained 20 pounds back. Until I begin to lose again and see a physically visible difference, I won't be happy with what's going on. Now that I do have that concrete knowledge, I've kind of been slapped back into reality and I feel more motivated now with a way to think about a plan of attack. Ugh. I'm so tired of this. It's so not worth it to get off track.

Sorry I'm not really keeping up with posting lately. Actually, no I'm not really sorry. I'm busy. I do miss writing more often, but I'm doing what I can. Of course, I know people from home are using this blog as a way to keep up with my new life, and I promise I'll do better. Well, I kind of promise. Ok, I'll do what I can. 

Today's Post Brought To By The Letter Stressed.

I'mma be real with you here. I'm pretty disgusted with myself right now. I can't seem to get myself under control with my eating habits. All of my clothes still fit fine, I know I haven't gained 20 pounds back or anything, but I feel gross. I don't like what I'm seeing when I look in the mirror. I know that whatever I have gained back is becoming more visible and I'm starting to see it. I gotta lock this ish up! I've let it go for too long now and it's time to crack down. I am just so hungry all the time. I've always been hungry all the time, but for some reason I'm now having a harder time than ever refraining from eating every single time I feel a hunger pang. And ya know what? I bet 9 times out of 10 I'm actually just thirsty rather than hungry. But for someone who has a bladder the size of a grain of rice, it's really hard to make myself add more and more liquid into my system.

I wish I could say that I'm confident in my ability to reverse these bad habits, but I'm not. I'm scared that I'm not able to do this anymore for some reason. It's honestly an irrational fear, but it's still frightening, nonetheless. I know that I can get back to the right habits and routines, but it's incredibly difficult when I've been off my game for so long. The only thing I can do is strive for that whole "mind over matter" thing. It really is all in the mind and if I can just control my urges to eat and stop eating the wrong things, I'll be fine again. I hate this. I hate that I feel guilty almost every single minute of every day. I feel like a hungry hungry hippo for the majority of the day and it's not a good feeling, guys. This is not worth it. I love food. I love to eat. I love everything about it. BUT it is absolutely not worth all of this heartache and stress. That's right, I'm stressed about food. That's when you know you have a real problem. Know what else is real? The struggle. The struggle is real.

This stress over food is also caused by other stresses present in my life right now. I'm still dealing with Fiona's issues, I'm still not sleeping well, and of course, I'm taking care of kids. I'm stressed about stress, which is stressing me out and causing me to lose sleep, which is adding to the stress, and I'm stressed. Stressed. Today's post brought to you by the letter stressed. But even as I've typed all of this out, I've let go of some of it. I've been bottling up a lot of this, especially discussing food. It's hard to talk about doing the right thing when I'm not doing the right thing. I always feel like a hypocrite when I'm not practicing what I'm preaching.(Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.)

So, guys, I'm working on myself again. For too long I've been using excuses like "I'm still adjusting" or "I'm still working on finding a new routine". But that's all bull. Excuses, excuses, excuses. But no longer! No more excuses, no more letting myself over-indulge, no more FatRachel showing her roly poly chins. Must. suppress. inner-fatty. I've been driving the freaking struggle bus for months now and I'm done!

Trying To Wipe Off This Boo Boo Kitty Face.

For the past few days, I've been in a mood that I haven't experienced in quite some time....I've been just plain grumpy and I don't like it. For a long time now, I've been able to suppress unpleasant feelings and keep a smile on my face, but I'm super frustrated with a few things. I want my car back. I want GEICO to stop dragging their feet and fix Fiona. I want GEICO to give me a rental until Fiona is healed. I want to be able to control my eating. I want to be able to sleep through just one night. I want my sinus issues to go away. I want, I wish, I hope...All things I cannot control. Except for the eating thing. I can totally control that, I'm just subconsciously choosing not to. But seriously, I can't change most of these things, so there's really no reason for me to complain. However, I don't complain that often anymore and I don't dwell on the unchangeable, but this past week, for some reason, I've chosen to wallow. And I think it was a long time coming.

I've said it before, you can't always hold everything in. You can bottle stuff up all of the time. Sometimes it does a world of good to just cry, to scream into a pillow (which I do not do, by the way), or just talk about it with someone. I've done 2/3 from this list and, while it has helped me feel a little better, it hasn't changed the fact that the things that are wrong are still wrong. I'm dealing with them in a mature fashion (which basically means I haven't called GEICO and cussed them out or burned down their headquarters), but I just want everything to be back to normal. I want the freedom of having my own car again, I want to be able to go see a certain person in Oakland when I want to, I want my nose and sinuses to magically clear up and for the resulting headache to disappear, I want to not feel so hungry all. the. time. Yes, I'm utilizing this blog as a venting platform today. Trust me, it's better that I do this here than anywhere else. 

So, excuse my pity party. Let's try to all remember happy, smiley, inspirational Rachel. She's still in there somewhere, she's just having a hard time being herself right now. Like I said, this Rachel doesn't show up that often. And I have said that this blog is a place for me to be honest and share with you in a candid manner. So, there. That's me being true to my word :)
Basically, other than the beautiful weather, I've just had a sub par weekend. I'm not hoping for a better week because that won't guarantee results. I WILL have a better week because I say so! I'm willing myself to be in a better mood and to enjoy what I do have and the life I've been given (yeah, I'm aware that kind of sounded like a Hallmark card). So, here's to a better week and a cheerier disposition. I mean, hey, basically all of my favorite cartoon shows from the 90s are on Netflix now. How could I not be cheery about that?!

Update: My car hates me.

First, I'd like to say sorry that I've been kind of MIA for the past couple of weeks. It's been a long and somewhat strange week....I had my first trip to Disneyland, which was fun, but a little exhausting. I mean, think about it: 4 days, 7 hour car ride there and back, hotel room shared with two kids, keeping up with said kids in a very crowded theme park...it was a little stressful, to be honest. But, like I said, it was a fun trip. I was very happy to get back to the house on Wednesday evening. Unfortunately, I treated the vacation like a vacation. I ate lots of bad things and a lot of it. I'm not proud and I've had a hard time suppressing my inner-fatty and getting back on track. That girl is really hard to make shut up when you let her out for too long....So, really it's best to just not let her out at all. My mistake.

Yesterday, I was lucky enough to find an affordable ticket online to the Giants' home opener and I had a great time watching my boys in person. But, what started out as a great day (I mean, I even found a free parking spot...) unfortunately took a turn for the worse as I was leaving the city. Just before the entrance to the Bay Bridge, my car (Fiona) starts smoking from under the hood...so, I pull to the side of the road and wait for AAA to come tow me back home. I had to wait for about an hour and then I'm informed by the driver that we have to go pick up another car and drop it off somewhere on the way to Benicia. What should have taken about 45 min to an hour took about 3 hours. Buh. So, my Friday night plans were ruined and now it looks like the rest of my weekend plans will be altered or canceled, as well. Definitely not the way I saw my last weekend of this Spring break going...

Some good news I've received, however, is that my parents, and possibly my sister, will be visiting at the end of May for a few days!!! I'm so excited and can hardly wait to see them! I'm starting to get to a point now where I am missing everyone, especially my family. I am still loving everything here, but I'm just feeling down lately because of the issues with Fiona and other things. BUT I will buck up and continue looking on the bright side of things! No boo boo kitty faces here, just me pushing through and not getting down.

So, there's my update. Nothing too exciting, just life. A few first world problems, but in general, I'm doing well.