Today's Post Brought To By The Letter Stressed.

I'mma be real with you here. I'm pretty disgusted with myself right now. I can't seem to get myself under control with my eating habits. All of my clothes still fit fine, I know I haven't gained 20 pounds back or anything, but I feel gross. I don't like what I'm seeing when I look in the mirror. I know that whatever I have gained back is becoming more visible and I'm starting to see it. I gotta lock this ish up! I've let it go for too long now and it's time to crack down. I am just so hungry all the time. I've always been hungry all the time, but for some reason I'm now having a harder time than ever refraining from eating every single time I feel a hunger pang. And ya know what? I bet 9 times out of 10 I'm actually just thirsty rather than hungry. But for someone who has a bladder the size of a grain of rice, it's really hard to make myself add more and more liquid into my system.

I wish I could say that I'm confident in my ability to reverse these bad habits, but I'm not. I'm scared that I'm not able to do this anymore for some reason. It's honestly an irrational fear, but it's still frightening, nonetheless. I know that I can get back to the right habits and routines, but it's incredibly difficult when I've been off my game for so long. The only thing I can do is strive for that whole "mind over matter" thing. It really is all in the mind and if I can just control my urges to eat and stop eating the wrong things, I'll be fine again. I hate this. I hate that I feel guilty almost every single minute of every day. I feel like a hungry hungry hippo for the majority of the day and it's not a good feeling, guys. This is not worth it. I love food. I love to eat. I love everything about it. BUT it is absolutely not worth all of this heartache and stress. That's right, I'm stressed about food. That's when you know you have a real problem. Know what else is real? The struggle. The struggle is real.

This stress over food is also caused by other stresses present in my life right now. I'm still dealing with Fiona's issues, I'm still not sleeping well, and of course, I'm taking care of kids. I'm stressed about stress, which is stressing me out and causing me to lose sleep, which is adding to the stress, and I'm stressed. Stressed. Today's post brought to you by the letter stressed. But even as I've typed all of this out, I've let go of some of it. I've been bottling up a lot of this, especially discussing food. It's hard to talk about doing the right thing when I'm not doing the right thing. I always feel like a hypocrite when I'm not practicing what I'm preaching.(Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.)

So, guys, I'm working on myself again. For too long I've been using excuses like "I'm still adjusting" or "I'm still working on finding a new routine". But that's all bull. Excuses, excuses, excuses. But no longer! No more excuses, no more letting myself over-indulge, no more FatRachel showing her roly poly chins. Must. suppress. inner-fatty. I've been driving the freaking struggle bus for months now and I'm done!