The Root of My Addiction: Part 1

I know that in the past I've discussed the reality that is my addiction to food and eating, but I've never really delved into the basis of the problem. I've never really thought about the why factor of the issue. When I look back to the period of my life that I can remember the weight gain beginning to take place, I try to think about my emotional state and habits of that time. I didn't start to put on the pounds until I hit puberty, which was around the age of 11 or 12. I was never overweight before this age, I was never obsessed with eating, I was just a normal kid. Well, normal in terms of weight. So what happened? Why did I start eating more? I'm going to share with you my story in several parts because it's not something that I can fit into one post. Well, not without overwhelming you and myself with 27 paragraphs...So, here's the first part of my story. 

The answer to those when and why questions can never be answered definitively because there is no way for me to remember absolutely everything about how I felt at that age, but I do remember not feeling comfortable with myself. I remember not making friends easily. I remember feeling kind of lonely. At the end of elementary school, I had plenty of friends. I was happy, I was doing well in school, I was just living like any other kid. When it was time to go to middle school, a lot changed. One of my closest friends ended up going to a different school, my remaining friends were not in any of my classes, there were issues with family and finances, and I was still really shy. I had a hard time making new friends because of my social anxiety and shyness and, though I did slowly make new friends, I really only had 1 or 2 close friends. Also at this time, my sister had started high school and was not spending as much time with me as she once had. She was growing up, making new friends, taking on harder course loads, and we were sharing a room. This can cause any relationship to strain... All of these things can be pretty common among siblings, but I knew that our age difference was finally affecting our relationship. 

I also had a pretty rocky relationship with my brother at this time. When I started middle school in the 7th grade, he was already a Junior in high school. We might as well have lived on separate planets. He was struggling emotionally and I just could not connect with him on any level. Our age and personality differences were just too much to allow us to be friends. Another problem was that most of who I considered to be my closest friends were the ones I hung out with at church. My parents both had jobs in our church. Which was in Alabaster. Which was 40 minutes away. All of these friends attended school in a different county. I was only able to see these people a few times a week. They had other friends at school and I only got to see them outside of church every once in a while. I spent a lot of time at this church because of my parents' jobs and unbeknownst to them, I ate a lot of food while there. I sneaked food from the kitchen, the youth room kitchen, found money for the vending machines. Honeybuns were basically my favorite thing on Earth. And I drank a lot, and I mean A LOT of Coke. I also ate out of boredom. Too often. A lot of people eat when they're bored and I think I was the queen of this activity. I spent hours, days in this church during the Summer while Mom was working. I watched movies, played around, and ate. And ate, and ate, and ate. 

With all of these factors, I felt that I was not in control of my happiness. But ya know what I did have control over? Eating. I felt comfort in eating. I felt happiness in eating. I felt less lonely while eating. Sometimes the only time I was able to spend with my whole family was during dinner. This association became a factor in my comfort through eating. I'm not saying that I blame my family or any one person in my family for my poor eating habits and addiction. I am the one and only person to blame because I let these things affect me. Even though we never kept super unhealthy things or junk food in the kitchen at home, I found ways to obtain terrible food (see above paragraph about church..) Anytime we did have treats in the cabinet, I would sneak in and eat as much as possible whenever I could. Through the sneaking, the sense of accomplishment that came with getting away with it set in and fed my addiction. I was in control of this one thing and it made me happy.

I was really unhappy in middle school. It was the first time in my life that I can remember depression affecting me. Depression runs in my family and it certainly did not skip me. I can remember a time when I felt so miserable with myself, school, and other familial factors that I just didn't care. I cried a lot, I kept to myself more than I should have, I didn't do well in school and I didn't care to do well. I just wanted to get through the day and get home to eat whatever I could find. I let myself get out of control and I think I skipped from child sizes straight to about a size 12 and, eventually, up to a 16. In middle school. I was too young (and too short) to be that big. I hate looking at my yearbook pictures from this time in my life not only because of my appearance, but because I can remember how I felt. It's not something I like to think about. I actually have a hard time remembering a lot about middle school because over the years, I suppressed the memories without even realizing it. 

High school changed a lot of things for me, but the addiction did not subside. It was a much better experience than middle school, but food was still a huge factor in my life. I was still not doing too well in school, I still had low self-esteem, and I was still uncomfortable in my own body. But things were looking up!

To Be Continued!