The Root Of My Addiction: Part II (100th Post!)

If you missed Part I, you can catch up here.

As I entered high school, I was still not incredibly confident and I was still shy. I still had a hard time making new friends and the first half of my Freshman year wasn't great. I was having a hard time finding my place and finding a group of people to be myself with which caused more grief and a tighter grip onto food. I had lost a little bit of weight, though I'm sure most of it was just from growing up a little and losing some baby fat, but I was still a size 14. I was a size 14 from the time I hit high school until a little over a year ago. I was still viewing food and eating as a way to release emotion and feel good about something, though there certainly wasn't a good feeling about myself. People may gawk at others who are "emotional eaters" and say that it's sad or disgusting, but if you've never been there, you have no idea. There's something about eating that can make you feel euphoric, as dramatic as that sounds. 

The second half of my Freshman year is when my social life began to change and become more positive. I began to spend more time with the friend from elementary school and she introduced me to a few of her friends. I was welcomed into this group and it changed my happiness in a big way. All of these friends were in the same youth group, so I started going home to one of their houses on Wednesdays after school and began attending church with them. This youth group provided more acceptance than I had ever experienced at a church. The youth pastor was fantastic, everyone loved him, and I found a place where I could be more myself and grow as a friend and as a Christian. My whole attitude toward life changed and I felt slightly more confident. I found my first (of several in the group) boyfriend here, I found my true friends, and I truly enjoyed going to church. I had never felt attractive until joining this group, which sounds like an odd thing to say about a church experience, but it's true. I had never been flirted with, never been asked out, never been kissed. But with this group, I had found more confidence and more self-assurance. With this group my fat butt was feeling a little less like being fat was not an OK thing. 

These friends were all in band, as well as my sister, so of course I had to be a part of that! Before starting high school, I had auditioned for and actually was chosen to be a part of the color guard, but I just wasn't emotionally or physically ready for it and ended up quitting before the Summer was even over. However, after making these amazing friends, I knew that I had to try out again. I made it again and began marching guard my Sophomore year. This was an awesome year for me. Me and my sister had become more like friends again, I was hanging out with the best people, I had more than one circle of friends because of this, and I was definitely more active than before. People may joke about and laugh at band geeks, but it's not just something that you do. It's time consuming, very physical, and exhausting. But it's also a lot of fun and makes you feel like you're a part of something. Performing in front of crowds was incredibly beneficial for someone like me and I feel that it made me more well-rounded. I was also in choir all four years and that group added a lot of good experiences, as well. Performing in this capacity was just another way for me to build confidence and become a better person in general. 

My self-esteem had risen a good deal during this year, but I was still unhappy with my appearance. I wasn't happy with how I felt about myself, but because I can be an emotional eater, I ate even more to make myself feel better. I know, that sounds like it doesn't make any sense, but to someone who's lived it, it's truth. Because I was marching, the physical activity did help to balance out the eating habits, but I was still eating anything and everything that I could. My Junior year is when things began to change in the social circles. My sister had graduated and left for college, I believe this was the year our youth pastor left, and some friends had left our group, but we gained new ones. I was still happy for the most part, but school was an issue at times. I've never been a great student simply because I hate school. I hate studying, I hate math, I hate science. I just have never been a good student. Ever. My grades were mediocre because all I cared about was my social life and with that came social eating. I had gained a little bit more weight that year, but was still a size 14. 

With my Senior year came a great deal of changes. Changes in friends, changes in behavior, changes in decision-making. I wasn't eating quite as much as I had been, but what I was eating wasn't good. I didn't make good choices and I was only eating 2 times a day thinking that was a good strategy. In reality, it was the worst thing for me. Because I was only eating lunch and dinner essentially, when it actually did come time for one of those meals, I was like a hungry, hungry hippo! It didn't matter how big the portions were, I was gonna eat every last bite on the plate. I felt ashamed every time I finished a meal. And then later in the evening, I would sneak something sweet and delicious to shovel into my mouth in private. Ya know how some people experience buyer's remorse after shopping? This is how I felt after a binge. I was never the kind of person who even considered purging because a) I hate throwing up and b) I wasn't stupid enough to give into something like that, but I hated myself for giving in to the overwhelming need to eat. I hated it and this is still something that I experience to this day.

The first part of that year was like the previous two: marching, church, friends. However, when a new youth pastor took over, many of the members left. We just weren't fans. He was a good person, but to us, no one could take the place of the previous. Many of us left, claiming to find another youth group, but most of us just left. This is around the time that me and my closest friends began hanging out with a different group of guys. These guys were fishers, hunters, four-wheeler ridin', muddin', truck-drivin' kinda guys. They were also drinkers. I had never had a taste of alcohol in my life until January of my Senior year of high school. But with this new group came a new way of having fun and the dynamics of our social lives changed.  My way of life was altered and I didn't think twice about it. It was fun and that's all I cared about at the time. YOLO! Just kidding. If you ever hear me say that out loud, even if it is ironically, please slap me. And everyone else you hear say it. And while you're at it, give 'em another slap if they use the term "swag". Or are wearing hipster glasses with no prescription. Or if they look homeless, but are using they're iPhone and Macbook in Starbucks. I digress. Part III is coming tomorrow, so stay tuned :)