This Was Never Not Going To Happen

My departure date has been moved up to Wednesday, February 13, 2013 in order to have Dad accompany us. As much as I would love to stay for a week longer, I'm so grateful that he will be able to make the trip with us in its entirety. This means that I'm leaving in four and a half weeks, only 25 days. Crazy. 

May I just take a minute to talk about how amazing my family and friends are? When I told my mom what I was going to be doing, she never once tried to talk me out of it or told me I was crazy. She and my dad immediately began the planning process with me. Do you know how much easier that made this whole decision-making process? Of course they've told me how much they'll miss me, but the level of support that I've received from them has made me feel so much more at ease about the whole thing. The same goes for my friends. Yes, they've all expressed how much they'll miss me, but every single one of my closest friends has said that they are excited for me and proud of me for going after something so big. Everyone seems to understand my need for this kind of opportunity and that is such a relief. If everyone was crying and telling me over and over how much they wish that I wasn't going, it would make it so much harder to leave and I would probably feel guilty. So, thank you all.

As scared as I am about making such a huge change, I know that this is right. I know that I need to do this. I feel like I'm never going to grow and continue successfully in my quest for total self-awareness and self-improvement if I stay here and remain stagnant in this one place. I've always felt that I was meant to do something like this, something crazy, something different. God's timing truly is perfect and I don't know how I ever lived doubting this. When I was constantly worried and anxious about the past and the future, I had no time to live in the present. I never could enjoy my life because I wasn't living it. All of my life's timing was off because I was the one trying to control it. As soon as I began to let go and live a little more spontaneously and free, I began to see that things were falling into place on their own. It's silly to try to control everything because you can't. It's as simple as that. If there's one thing I've learned through this process, it's that I don't have to worry. I've enjoyed more of my life in the past year than I have in my (almost) 24 years of life.

So, back to the whole timing thing. I knew that my old nanny job was going to be coming to an end soon, but I wasn't super freaked out about it. I don't know why, because I honestly had no clue how I was going to make any money and pay the few bills that I actually have. I somehow knew deep down that something was going to present itself. When I found the au pair website, I knew I was going to find what I needed and what I want. And honestly, I didn't even do much. I made a profile and waited to be contacted. After the conversations with several families, I spoke with Adele and knew it was right. I knew that God put us together for a reason and I truly believe that this is part of the Plan. As much of a surprise it was to me, this was never not going to happen. This makes me think of a quote by Elizabeth Gilbert:

"I thought about one of my favorite poems, which says that God long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly where you are standing right now. I was never not coming here. This was never not going to happen."

The poem she is talking about is by Hafiz:

"The place where you are right now
God circled on a map for you.
Wherever your eyes and arms and heart can move
against the earth and sky,
the Beloved has bowed there.
Our Beloved has bowed there knowing
you were coming.
I could tell you a priceless secret about
your real worth, dear pilgrim.
But any unkindness to yourself,
any confusion about others,
will keep one
from accepting the grace, the love!"

This is so incredibly fitting in my life at this point. I have to have faith that this is right. Do I know 100% that it is what is best for me? No, I don't know. Is it what is supposed to happen? I really do believe so. He's had my life mapped out since before I existed and I have to trust that this is somewhere on the map. This may be short-term, it may be semi-permanent, it may be permanent. I don't know which of these it is, and, the thing is, that's OK. It's alright that I don't have all of the answers. I'm not supposed to. I must simply sit back and listen to what He tells me. I have to sit back and live my life without worrying about what's going to happen next. I have to live in the now. It's taken me almost 24 years to realize that, but better late than never.