"I tie no weights to my ankles."

 “You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.”- C. Joybell C.

Some of you may be wondering why my posts have veered so far from health and weight loss. Well, the answer to that is simple. I haven't been talking about my eating recently because I have nothing to be proud of enough to share. I'm struggling big time with my eating and self-control. I'm not necessarily eating super terrible things, I'm just having a really hard time controlling my intake. I start every single day with good intentions with my meals and snacks all planned out, and for the most part, I stick to it with ease. My problem time comes at night before bed. After I've eaten dinner, I'm usually good for a couple of hours, but for some reason, I have the hardest time just going to bed without a snack. I fought against this for so long which is making me feel even more ashamed about it now. 

Earlier today, I re-read a good portion of my posts. I feel that re-living some of these moments has helped me to remember why I did all of this in the first place. Looking back and seeing my writing about milestone weight loss marks makes me ache. I miss the feeling of hitting those points and how much I smiled because of them. The truth of the matter is that I haven't lost one single pound since about mid-October. That's not okay. Not in my book, at least. I still have around 20ish pounds to lose before I reach my goal. I'm now wearing my original goal size, which is an 8, but I've since changed my goal size to a true 6 (I have one pair of pants and one dress in size 6, that doesn't mean I'm a size 6 yet). I know that once I lose these last 20 pounds, I'll be where I want to be, but getting there is such a struggle. I've always been told the last leg is the hardest and, boy, no one was kidding. This stinks.

I would say that I wish I had taken more control over myself in the past few months, but that will accomplish nothing. I can't go back and change what's done so why dwell on it? All I can do is work harder from now until the end. I'm so incredibly skilled at maintaining my weight, which is good, but I need to step up my game. Re-reading my posts has given me a bit of a boost, a bit of encouragement, a bit of a re-fuel that I so desperately have needed. One of my problems of late is this whole going away business. So many going away dinners, going away treats, stuff that I can't turn away because they're gifts. Of course, I don't really want to turn them away, I just need to be smarter about my portions. There's no reason for me not to accept yummy stuff because I know that I can handle it, it's controlling how much of it I'm going to enjoy that's giving me issue. 

Another thing that I think is going to help me is getting rid of so much baggage. This week, I've begun the cleaning out, giving away, and throwing away process. I've gone through all of my clothing, set aside the things I'm keeping, and am giving away so much to people who really need it. All of these items of clothing that have been sitting in my closet and drawers are finally going to be worn again by people who need them. To let go of the size 16, 14, 12, 10, XL, L, and even M sized items feels like I've let go of FatRachel. She's gone. She no longer has any ties to this Rachel. I'm no longer those sizes and will never be again, so there is absolutely no reason for me to hold on to that person. I'm a size 8. I continually look at the tags in my jeans and in my size small shirts just to make sure that I'm not imagining it. It's my reality now and I'm so proud of what I've accomplished. Letting go of the baggage is helping me to continue this momentum of moving forward in my life.

Letting go is proving to be much more easy than I imagined it would be. I thought I had this huge task in front of me, but I've thoroughly enjoyed stripping my life of those particular memories. Of course, I've kept several t-shirts that have sentimental value, but they will remain in storage. Looking back on my decision to start this blog, I realize that was one of the best things I could have done. To have a record of my progress and a way to look back is something that I treasure. I don't want to re-live the memories of being over 200 pounds, I want to move one. But reading my posts reminds me of the journey away from that. Just knowing what size I'm wearing gives me wings. It's so easy to forget what I've done when I only focus on the number of pounds I have left, so going back through my clothing and re-reading my posts has helped to remind me that I kicked last year's butt. I feel lighter not only in the respect that I physically weigh less, but also in the respect that I've rid myself of those reminders that once weighed me down. California, 2013, 20 pounds...Bring it on.