“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the
reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no
weights to my ankles.”- C. Joybell C.
Some of you may be wondering why my posts have veered so far from health and weight loss. Well, the answer to that is simple. I haven't been talking about my eating recently because I have nothing to be proud of enough to share. I'm struggling big time with my eating and self-control. I'm not necessarily eating super terrible things, I'm just having a really hard time controlling my intake. I start every single day with good intentions with my meals and snacks all planned out, and for the most part, I stick to it with ease. My problem time comes at night before bed. After I've eaten dinner, I'm usually good for a couple of hours, but for some reason, I have the hardest time just going to bed without a snack. I fought against this for so long which is making me feel even more ashamed about it now.
Earlier today, I re-read a good portion of my posts. I feel that re-living some of these moments has helped me to remember why I did all of this in the first place. Looking back and seeing my writing about milestone weight loss marks makes me ache. I miss the feeling of hitting those points and how much I smiled because of them. The truth of the matter is that I haven't lost one single pound since about mid-October. That's not okay. Not in my book, at least. I still have around 20ish pounds to lose before I reach my goal. I'm now wearing my original goal size, which is an 8, but I've since changed my goal size to a true 6 (I have one pair of pants and one dress in size 6, that doesn't mean I'm a size 6 yet). I know that once I lose these last 20 pounds, I'll be where I want to be, but getting there is such a struggle. I've always been told the last leg is the hardest and, boy, no one was kidding. This stinks.
I would say that I wish I had taken more control over myself in the past few months, but that will accomplish nothing. I can't go back and change what's done so why dwell on it? All I can do is work harder from now until the end. I'm so incredibly skilled at maintaining my weight, which is good, but I need to step up my game. Re-reading my posts has given me a bit of a boost, a bit of encouragement, a bit of a re-fuel that I so desperately have needed. One of my problems of late is this whole going away business. So many going away dinners, going away treats, stuff that I can't turn away because they're gifts. Of course, I don't really want to turn them away, I just need to be smarter about my portions. There's no reason for me not to accept yummy stuff because I know that I can handle it, it's controlling how much of it I'm going to enjoy that's giving me issue.
Another thing that I think is going to help me is getting rid of so much baggage. This week, I've begun the cleaning out, giving away, and throwing away process. I've gone through all of my clothing, set aside the things I'm keeping, and am giving away so much to people who really need it. All of these items of clothing that have been sitting in my closet and drawers are finally going to be worn again by people who need them. To let go of the size 16, 14, 12, 10, XL, L, and even M sized items feels like I've let go of FatRachel. She's gone. She no longer has any ties to this Rachel. I'm no longer those sizes and will never be again, so there is absolutely no reason for me to hold on to that person. I'm a size 8. I continually look at the tags in my jeans and in my size small shirts just to make sure that I'm not imagining it. It's my reality now and I'm so proud of what I've accomplished. Letting go of the baggage is helping me to continue this momentum of moving forward in my life.
Letting go is proving to be much more easy than I imagined it would be. I thought I had this huge task in front of me, but I've thoroughly enjoyed stripping my life of those particular memories. Of course, I've kept several t-shirts that have sentimental value, but they will remain in storage. Looking back on my decision to start this blog, I realize that was one of the best things I could have done. To have a record of my progress and a way to look back is something that I treasure. I don't want to re-live the memories of being over 200 pounds, I want to move one. But reading my posts reminds me of the journey away from that. Just knowing what size I'm wearing gives me wings. It's so easy to forget what I've done when I only focus on the number of pounds I have left, so going back through my clothing and re-reading my posts has helped to remind me that I kicked last year's butt. I feel lighter not only in the respect that I physically weigh less, but also in the respect that I've rid myself of those reminders that once weighed me down. California, 2013, 20 pounds...Bring it on.
Size 6/8
<3 "Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going." - Jim Rohn <3
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Happiness Is A State Of Being, Not A Destination.
I was chatting with friend last night about all of this that's been going on in my life when I uttered the words "I don't know what I did to deserve all of this". That really got me thinking. What did I do to deserve this wonderful opportunity? This was basically handed to me, dropped in my lap, so easy. This never would have happened had I not decided to change myself a year ago. It was right around this time last year that I began to change the way I eat. By the end of January, I was down about 8 pounds, but it wasn't until February that I began to kick it into high gear. Since then, I've lost almost a third of my body weight, but what I've gained greatly overshadows this, in my opinion.
Had I not gone through this change, I would not be doing this. I was too scared to try new things, scared of being noticed. I would have never even dreamed of putting myself out there in such a way. Joining the au pair website is one of the best decisions I've ever made! I tend to get too comfortable in one state and I become complacent. I tend to take the easy way of doing things. For example, I worked at the golf course for way longer than I should have and it was because I was too lazy to change it up. I was too comfortable with where I was and what I was doing. For some reason, it didn't occur to me that I didn't have to put up with it. I didn't have to be miserable! I quit that job right as I was beginning to change my diet. Looking back on it now, I realize that it was all connected. It's as if quitting that job gave me the courage to change other things, and boy am I glad that I did.
I was unemployed for quite some time, but because I'm blessed with these wonderful parents, I wasn't pressured to find another one immediately. Had I not gone through that period of unemployment, I'm not sure that I would have gone through such a dramatic lifestyle change. Being at home, eating the right things all day every day, and having the time to exercise daily are the things that allowed me to do what I did. I didn't have another job until I began working for that precious family I just left. I was with them from the beginning of April last year until about 2 weeks ago. Because I spent so much time focused on the weight loss, I was more easily able to keep it up outside of my own home. This job was also wonderful training as a nanny. I've been a babysitter for most of my life, but this job really prepared me for my new job.
I feel as if everything I've done over the past year has prepared me for this new life. I was unwittingly gearing up for something I didn't even know about! But He sure did. He knew what was going on because He's the one who planned it. He knew what I needed to do and He gave me the strength and willpower to do it. Because of everything I've been through and all of the struggles, I feel that I'm stronger now than I ever have been. I've gone from a shy little girl who couldn't even order her own food at restaurants, one who had anxiety attacks over school presentations, one who hid in her clothing, to someone who loves being with people, someone who thrives off of performing in front of others, someone who doesn't hide anymore, someone who is about to leave everything she knows for a brand new life 2,300 miles away from home.
I've never been away from my parents for more than probably about three weeks tops. This is going to be hard. This is going to be scary. But more importantly, this is going to be so good for me. I truly believe now, more than ever, that when you put positive energy into the world around you, the world gives back to you. Before my change, I always felt that the world was against me and that bad things only happened to me. And ya know what? I was right to an extent. Because of my negative attitude, the world gave back negativity. No one wants to be around a Negative Nancy except for other Debbie Downers. Wipe off that boo boo kitty face. If you want a drama-free, more positive atmosphere around you, change your own attitude first. Start with yourself, others will follow. Trust me. Now that I worry less, smile more, and live my life I have received many good things, including this opportunity. Happiness is not a destination. Happiness is a state of being. For too long, I was searching for happiness and trying to get to a certain place, but I didn't realize that I could be happy anytime I wanted to be. All I had to do was choose to see the good things around me. Learn it, embrace it, now live it.
Had I not gone through this change, I would not be doing this. I was too scared to try new things, scared of being noticed. I would have never even dreamed of putting myself out there in such a way. Joining the au pair website is one of the best decisions I've ever made! I tend to get too comfortable in one state and I become complacent. I tend to take the easy way of doing things. For example, I worked at the golf course for way longer than I should have and it was because I was too lazy to change it up. I was too comfortable with where I was and what I was doing. For some reason, it didn't occur to me that I didn't have to put up with it. I didn't have to be miserable! I quit that job right as I was beginning to change my diet. Looking back on it now, I realize that it was all connected. It's as if quitting that job gave me the courage to change other things, and boy am I glad that I did.
I was unemployed for quite some time, but because I'm blessed with these wonderful parents, I wasn't pressured to find another one immediately. Had I not gone through that period of unemployment, I'm not sure that I would have gone through such a dramatic lifestyle change. Being at home, eating the right things all day every day, and having the time to exercise daily are the things that allowed me to do what I did. I didn't have another job until I began working for that precious family I just left. I was with them from the beginning of April last year until about 2 weeks ago. Because I spent so much time focused on the weight loss, I was more easily able to keep it up outside of my own home. This job was also wonderful training as a nanny. I've been a babysitter for most of my life, but this job really prepared me for my new job.
I feel as if everything I've done over the past year has prepared me for this new life. I was unwittingly gearing up for something I didn't even know about! But He sure did. He knew what was going on because He's the one who planned it. He knew what I needed to do and He gave me the strength and willpower to do it. Because of everything I've been through and all of the struggles, I feel that I'm stronger now than I ever have been. I've gone from a shy little girl who couldn't even order her own food at restaurants, one who had anxiety attacks over school presentations, one who hid in her clothing, to someone who loves being with people, someone who thrives off of performing in front of others, someone who doesn't hide anymore, someone who is about to leave everything she knows for a brand new life 2,300 miles away from home.
I've never been away from my parents for more than probably about three weeks tops. This is going to be hard. This is going to be scary. But more importantly, this is going to be so good for me. I truly believe now, more than ever, that when you put positive energy into the world around you, the world gives back to you. Before my change, I always felt that the world was against me and that bad things only happened to me. And ya know what? I was right to an extent. Because of my negative attitude, the world gave back negativity. No one wants to be around a Negative Nancy except for other Debbie Downers. Wipe off that boo boo kitty face. If you want a drama-free, more positive atmosphere around you, change your own attitude first. Start with yourself, others will follow. Trust me. Now that I worry less, smile more, and live my life I have received many good things, including this opportunity. Happiness is not a destination. Happiness is a state of being. For too long, I was searching for happiness and trying to get to a certain place, but I didn't realize that I could be happy anytime I wanted to be. All I had to do was choose to see the good things around me. Learn it, embrace it, now live it.
Friday, January 18, 2013
This Was Never Not Going To Happen
My departure date has been moved up to Wednesday, February 13, 2013 in order to have Dad accompany us. As much as I would love to stay for a week longer, I'm so grateful that he will be able to make the trip with us in its entirety. This means that I'm leaving in four and a half weeks, only 25 days. Crazy.
May I just take a minute to talk about how amazing my family and friends are? When I told my mom what I was going to be doing, she never once tried to talk me out of it or told me I was crazy. She and my dad immediately began the planning process with me. Do you know how much easier that made this whole decision-making process? Of course they've told me how much they'll miss me, but the level of support that I've received from them has made me feel so much more at ease about the whole thing. The same goes for my friends. Yes, they've all expressed how much they'll miss me, but every single one of my closest friends has said that they are excited for me and proud of me for going after something so big. Everyone seems to understand my need for this kind of opportunity and that is such a relief. If everyone was crying and telling me over and over how much they wish that I wasn't going, it would make it so much harder to leave and I would probably feel guilty. So, thank you all.
As scared as I am about making such a huge change, I know that this is right. I know that I need to do this. I feel like I'm never going to grow and continue successfully in my quest for total self-awareness and self-improvement if I stay here and remain stagnant in this one place. I've always felt that I was meant to do something like this, something crazy, something different. God's timing truly is perfect and I don't know how I ever lived doubting this. When I was constantly worried and anxious about the past and the future, I had no time to live in the present. I never could enjoy my life because I wasn't living it. All of my life's timing was off because I was the one trying to control it. As soon as I began to let go and live a little more spontaneously and free, I began to see that things were falling into place on their own. It's silly to try to control everything because you can't. It's as simple as that. If there's one thing I've learned through this process, it's that I don't have to worry. I've enjoyed more of my life in the past year than I have in my (almost) 24 years of life.
So, back to the whole timing thing. I knew that my old nanny job was going to be coming to an end soon, but I wasn't super freaked out about it. I don't know why, because I honestly had no clue how I was going to make any money and pay the few bills that I actually have. I somehow knew deep down that something was going to present itself. When I found the au pair website, I knew I was going to find what I needed and what I want. And honestly, I didn't even do much. I made a profile and waited to be contacted. After the conversations with several families, I spoke with Adele and knew it was right. I knew that God put us together for a reason and I truly believe that this is part of the Plan. As much of a surprise it was to me, this was never not going to happen. This makes me think of a quote by Elizabeth Gilbert:
"I thought about one of my favorite poems, which says that God long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly where you are standing right now. I was never not coming here. This was never not going to happen."
The poem she is talking about is by Hafiz:
"The place where you are right now
God circled on a map for you.
Wherever your eyes and arms and heart can move
against the earth and sky,
the Beloved has bowed there.
Our Beloved has bowed there knowing
you were coming.
I could tell you a priceless secret about
your real worth, dear pilgrim.
But any unkindness to yourself,
any confusion about others,
will keep one
from accepting the grace, the love!"
This is so incredibly fitting in my life at this point. I have to have faith that this is right. Do I know 100% that it is what is best for me? No, I don't know. Is it what is supposed to happen? I really do believe so. He's had my life mapped out since before I existed and I have to trust that this is somewhere on the map. This may be short-term, it may be semi-permanent, it may be permanent. I don't know which of these it is, and, the thing is, that's OK. It's alright that I don't have all of the answers. I'm not supposed to. I must simply sit back and listen to what He tells me. I have to sit back and live my life without worrying about what's going to happen next. I have to live in the now. It's taken me almost 24 years to realize that, but better late than never.
May I just take a minute to talk about how amazing my family and friends are? When I told my mom what I was going to be doing, she never once tried to talk me out of it or told me I was crazy. She and my dad immediately began the planning process with me. Do you know how much easier that made this whole decision-making process? Of course they've told me how much they'll miss me, but the level of support that I've received from them has made me feel so much more at ease about the whole thing. The same goes for my friends. Yes, they've all expressed how much they'll miss me, but every single one of my closest friends has said that they are excited for me and proud of me for going after something so big. Everyone seems to understand my need for this kind of opportunity and that is such a relief. If everyone was crying and telling me over and over how much they wish that I wasn't going, it would make it so much harder to leave and I would probably feel guilty. So, thank you all.
As scared as I am about making such a huge change, I know that this is right. I know that I need to do this. I feel like I'm never going to grow and continue successfully in my quest for total self-awareness and self-improvement if I stay here and remain stagnant in this one place. I've always felt that I was meant to do something like this, something crazy, something different. God's timing truly is perfect and I don't know how I ever lived doubting this. When I was constantly worried and anxious about the past and the future, I had no time to live in the present. I never could enjoy my life because I wasn't living it. All of my life's timing was off because I was the one trying to control it. As soon as I began to let go and live a little more spontaneously and free, I began to see that things were falling into place on their own. It's silly to try to control everything because you can't. It's as simple as that. If there's one thing I've learned through this process, it's that I don't have to worry. I've enjoyed more of my life in the past year than I have in my (almost) 24 years of life.
So, back to the whole timing thing. I knew that my old nanny job was going to be coming to an end soon, but I wasn't super freaked out about it. I don't know why, because I honestly had no clue how I was going to make any money and pay the few bills that I actually have. I somehow knew deep down that something was going to present itself. When I found the au pair website, I knew I was going to find what I needed and what I want. And honestly, I didn't even do much. I made a profile and waited to be contacted. After the conversations with several families, I spoke with Adele and knew it was right. I knew that God put us together for a reason and I truly believe that this is part of the Plan. As much of a surprise it was to me, this was never not going to happen. This makes me think of a quote by Elizabeth Gilbert:
"I thought about one of my favorite poems, which says that God long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly where you are standing right now. I was never not coming here. This was never not going to happen."
The poem she is talking about is by Hafiz:
"The place where you are right now
God circled on a map for you.
Wherever your eyes and arms and heart can move
against the earth and sky,
the Beloved has bowed there.
Our Beloved has bowed there knowing
you were coming.
I could tell you a priceless secret about
your real worth, dear pilgrim.
But any unkindness to yourself,
any confusion about others,
will keep one
from accepting the grace, the love!"
This is so incredibly fitting in my life at this point. I have to have faith that this is right. Do I know 100% that it is what is best for me? No, I don't know. Is it what is supposed to happen? I really do believe so. He's had my life mapped out since before I existed and I have to trust that this is somewhere on the map. This may be short-term, it may be semi-permanent, it may be permanent. I don't know which of these it is, and, the thing is, that's OK. It's alright that I don't have all of the answers. I'm not supposed to. I must simply sit back and listen to what He tells me. I have to sit back and live my life without worrying about what's going to happen next. I have to live in the now. It's taken me almost 24 years to realize that, but better late than never.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
And So The Countdown Begins
Today is a bittersweet day. This is my last day with these precious kids; Addie and Mayer. I've been with them since the beginning of last April, which means that I've been with Addie for more than half of her life. I've grown pretty attached, especially to Addie, and I can't believe I won't be seeing them anymore...However, I'm ready to move on and leave this era of my life behind. I will be sad to leave them at the end of today, but I know that it's what I'm supposed to do. I wouldn't have minded staying a little longer before I leave, but I'm grateful that I will have plenty of free time to get my stuff together and see everyone I need to say goodbye to.
There are some things that I won't miss, though. I won't miss changing diapers. I won't miss having to prepare all of my food the night before. I won't miss being tempted by junk food. I won't miss inconsistent scheduling and being paid by the day instead of salary. I won't miss not being able to go anywhere or do anything during the day. But the things that I will miss greatly outweigh the things that I won't. Addie is such a precious baby and I love that kid. I'll miss walking into her room after I hear her making noises and seeing that beautiful smile through the slats of her crib. I'll miss playing with her and making her laugh. I'll miss watching her make a mess with her lunch. I'll miss Mayer's laugh and his sweet disposition. As much as that kid made me crazy sometimes, he is one of the most caring and kind children I've ever met. I really will miss this family. I mean, I've seen them 4 days a week, almost every week, for 9 months. It still hasn't settled in my brain that today is it. I'm saying goodbye to them in a few hours. Certainly bitterweet.
In other news, I now have an official departure date: I will be leaving on Wednesday, February 20th! So, the countdown begins: 41 days! That's not a terribly long time from now...Everytime I say aloud "I'm moving to California", I feel like I'm outside of my own body and I'm hearing someone else say it. It's just...surreal. Like I said yesterday, I'm doing my best to remain on the right path with eating and running, but it's not easy these days. I just have so much on my mind with this move and everything that has to go into it. I'm thinking a lot about the people and all of the familiar things that I'll be leaving behind. It's hard to concentrate on food and running, and both are being affected. Last night's run was another struggle. I couldn't even get all the way through one mile. Ugh. I think I may have pulled a muscle in one of my calves and that really makes for an unpleasant run. I'd love to say that I powered through it, but I didn't. I gave up and I turned around. Tragic.
I guess I'm just feeling a little down today because of my non-success this week coupled with the whole goodbye today. I had such good intentions going into it and I feel that I let myself down. I've struggled with food, running, just everything. I know it will get better because I have the power to make it better. I don't have to let this keep me down, I just have to do what I've always done and pick myself back up. I have to eat right, keep running, and keep my chin up :) Just because I'm not feeling cheery 100% of the time doesn't mean that I have to let the gloominess take over. I can reverse that gloom, despite these gray skies, and keep a smile on my face :)
There are some things that I won't miss, though. I won't miss changing diapers. I won't miss having to prepare all of my food the night before. I won't miss being tempted by junk food. I won't miss inconsistent scheduling and being paid by the day instead of salary. I won't miss not being able to go anywhere or do anything during the day. But the things that I will miss greatly outweigh the things that I won't. Addie is such a precious baby and I love that kid. I'll miss walking into her room after I hear her making noises and seeing that beautiful smile through the slats of her crib. I'll miss playing with her and making her laugh. I'll miss watching her make a mess with her lunch. I'll miss Mayer's laugh and his sweet disposition. As much as that kid made me crazy sometimes, he is one of the most caring and kind children I've ever met. I really will miss this family. I mean, I've seen them 4 days a week, almost every week, for 9 months. It still hasn't settled in my brain that today is it. I'm saying goodbye to them in a few hours. Certainly bitterweet.
In other news, I now have an official departure date: I will be leaving on Wednesday, February 20th! So, the countdown begins: 41 days! That's not a terribly long time from now...Everytime I say aloud "I'm moving to California", I feel like I'm outside of my own body and I'm hearing someone else say it. It's just...surreal. Like I said yesterday, I'm doing my best to remain on the right path with eating and running, but it's not easy these days. I just have so much on my mind with this move and everything that has to go into it. I'm thinking a lot about the people and all of the familiar things that I'll be leaving behind. It's hard to concentrate on food and running, and both are being affected. Last night's run was another struggle. I couldn't even get all the way through one mile. Ugh. I think I may have pulled a muscle in one of my calves and that really makes for an unpleasant run. I'd love to say that I powered through it, but I didn't. I gave up and I turned around. Tragic.
I guess I'm just feeling a little down today because of my non-success this week coupled with the whole goodbye today. I had such good intentions going into it and I feel that I let myself down. I've struggled with food, running, just everything. I know it will get better because I have the power to make it better. I don't have to let this keep me down, I just have to do what I've always done and pick myself back up. I have to eat right, keep running, and keep my chin up :) Just because I'm not feeling cheery 100% of the time doesn't mean that I have to let the gloominess take over. I can reverse that gloom, despite these gray skies, and keep a smile on my face :)
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Habit is what keeps you going. Keep repeating that.
Yesterday afternoon was the first time that I struggled through my run since I started back. I don't know what it was that made me feel so exhausted, but I felt really out of it throughout the whole thing. My side hurt for the first time since starting back, I was out of breath, I felt heavy....it was just not ideal...But, just having done it made me feel good. I had to convince myself to get out there and do it in the first place, but, as always, I'm glad that I did. I've missed the effects of staying active. I'm sleeping better again, I've regained a lot of my energy, my mood is still on the up and up, I just feel better all-around.
I wish that I could say that the struggle is only with running, but it's not. I'm struggling with my eating habits, as well. I find myself snacking on little things in between my scheduled meals/snacks and not really thinking too much about it. It's hard to break a habit once you're in it, and unfortunately, it's much easier to slip back into the bad ones than stick with the good ones. Habit is what keeps you going. I have to constantly remind myself of this and work as hard as I can to stick with it. If you've ever tried to break habits and incorporate new ones, you know how difficult this can be. I have to get back to giving myself no choice. I have to view all of this as life and death, as if eating something bad is literally going to kill me! That's how I thought throughout the beginning and obviously that worked. But, like I've said before, that was fear of the unknown, being scared of slipping backwards. After too many slip-ups, I learned that it wasn't going to kill me or even reverse my progress, but it definitely halts it.
Before I move, I feel that I need to get myself completely back on track. If I don't, I'm afraid that I'll get to Benicia and fall back out of the habit. Also, one of the things that Adele would like me to help with is getting the kids to eat more healthy by eliminating the junk foods and incorporating more healthy choices. Did I mention how ideal this job is? I'm so excited to get the chance to share my newfound knowledge and my experience with someone first hand, to help someone directly. I've been told I've helped people through this blog, but to actually get to help someone on a daily basis and in person is super exciting to me. This, in turn, will help me to keep myself on track and stay focused on my own eating habits. I don't claim to be an expert by any means, but I can share what I do know and help to keep the bad stuff out of the house and out of little tummies.
If I'm doing well before I leave, I can more readily continue on the right path instead of trying to "get back to it". I feel good about getting back in the running habit, as painful and dreadful as it may be some days. What I need to concentrate more on now is what I'm eating and sticking to my daily plans. I have found that when I'm doing well with one, the other tends to follow suit. Now, if I can just get them synched, I'll be good to go. When I weigh, I sometimes feel like kicking myself. Thoughts like "if I had just not eaten that" or "if I had cut my portion a little on this" flood my mind. But I can't live like that. No one should live like that. Thinking about 'what if' and 'I should've' can take over and ruin you. So, don't dwell on yesterday. Just concentrate on today and what you need to do. This is a piece of advice that I find hard to follow myself, but am working on it. I just have to keep repeating it to myself.
I wish that I could say that the struggle is only with running, but it's not. I'm struggling with my eating habits, as well. I find myself snacking on little things in between my scheduled meals/snacks and not really thinking too much about it. It's hard to break a habit once you're in it, and unfortunately, it's much easier to slip back into the bad ones than stick with the good ones. Habit is what keeps you going. I have to constantly remind myself of this and work as hard as I can to stick with it. If you've ever tried to break habits and incorporate new ones, you know how difficult this can be. I have to get back to giving myself no choice. I have to view all of this as life and death, as if eating something bad is literally going to kill me! That's how I thought throughout the beginning and obviously that worked. But, like I've said before, that was fear of the unknown, being scared of slipping backwards. After too many slip-ups, I learned that it wasn't going to kill me or even reverse my progress, but it definitely halts it.
Before I move, I feel that I need to get myself completely back on track. If I don't, I'm afraid that I'll get to Benicia and fall back out of the habit. Also, one of the things that Adele would like me to help with is getting the kids to eat more healthy by eliminating the junk foods and incorporating more healthy choices. Did I mention how ideal this job is? I'm so excited to get the chance to share my newfound knowledge and my experience with someone first hand, to help someone directly. I've been told I've helped people through this blog, but to actually get to help someone on a daily basis and in person is super exciting to me. This, in turn, will help me to keep myself on track and stay focused on my own eating habits. I don't claim to be an expert by any means, but I can share what I do know and help to keep the bad stuff out of the house and out of little tummies.
If I'm doing well before I leave, I can more readily continue on the right path instead of trying to "get back to it". I feel good about getting back in the running habit, as painful and dreadful as it may be some days. What I need to concentrate more on now is what I'm eating and sticking to my daily plans. I have found that when I'm doing well with one, the other tends to follow suit. Now, if I can just get them synched, I'll be good to go. When I weigh, I sometimes feel like kicking myself. Thoughts like "if I had just not eaten that" or "if I had cut my portion a little on this" flood my mind. But I can't live like that. No one should live like that. Thinking about 'what if' and 'I should've' can take over and ruin you. So, don't dwell on yesterday. Just concentrate on today and what you need to do. This is a piece of advice that I find hard to follow myself, but am working on it. I just have to keep repeating it to myself.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
"...it's a sandbag you've got to drop..."
Getting back into the habit of running is a task, let me tell ya. I'm trying to not even think about it too hard because, if I over-think, I won't do it. I'm still only running about one mile at a time, and, while that may not be even close to what I was doing a few months ago, it's better than the nothing I was doing during the holiday season. And it's better than the nothing I was doing at this point last year. I could barely even walk a mile. Actually, I don't know if I could because I wasn't trying. By the beginning of February last year, I was kicking my butt into gear on that darn stationary bike. I hate that thing now, but at the time it was the tool with which I began to change my life. After a couple of months of that, I began to incorporate walking and, eventually, jogging/running.
At this point last year, I was not even thinking about doing all of this. I was still eating anything and everything with no physical activity. Wow, have I come a long way. Not only have I lost 65 pounds since then, but I've changed my whole life. I put myself out there and got an amazing job out of it, more friends, and adopted this cheery disposition that you have all come to know :) Who knew that you could just switch your entire lifestyle and outlook on life like that? I sure didn't.
I told you previously that I've basically gone back to the beginning in terms of what I'm eating and how much I'm eating. This has proven to be a good move. I've gone back to eating some of the things that I was eating in the beginning, things that I loved for so long, but phased out because my body was bored. After not eating these things for a long time, I'm remembering why I did eat them for so long! After my body's had a break, it's appreciating these foods again and utilizing their healthy attributes. I guess sometimes you just have to take a step back, focus, and regain momentum. As difficult as this can sometimes be, it's worth the struggle. I'm really trying to kick it up a notch now that I'm gonna be able to go to the beach all Summer! Gotta get that swimsuit-ready body ;)
The more I talk with other people about moving, the more real it's becoming. It's beginning to hit me and I'm becoming more and more anxious. I've now seen pictures of my new home, my new room, my new neighborhood and it's just so surreal. I mean really, is this real life? I've always dreamed of doing something like this, just picking up and moving somewhere completely different, but never did I expect it to actually happen. Before all of these changes in my life, something like this was just an amazing thought, something to fantasize about. But now, after to proving so many things to myself, proving that I can do what I really want to do, I have found that this is true in all aspects of my life. Never did I think something like this was possible, and I was content with that. I was content with too many things that weren't what I truly wanted. Changing one thing leads to more change. Start small, but dream big. Set goals, but take your time and focus on reaching them the right way.
This next month and a half is going to be very busy for me! I have so many things to do/buy before the move and I have so many people to see, places to go, and goodbyes to give. As sad as it will be to leave some people, I know that this is right. This is what I'm supposed to do. I don't think I ever explained how I got this job so here's the rundown: The site is called newaupair.com and is the number one site in matching families with nannies. I signed up, made a profile, and waited to be contacted. To my surprise, I was added by several families as a 'favorite' and was personally contacted by about six or seven of them. I emailed back and forth with these families who lived in New Zealand, Australia, Germany, and another U.S. family, but something about this job, this family really pulled me in. I just felt an immediate connection, and I know that this is part of the Plan. I'm just so ready to get to California! But I will be sad to let go of my life here.
Change is tough, but sorely needed. Settling is never OK. Not to me. I've settled so many times in my life, and I'm finally at a point in my life where I feel that I can be picky. I always knew that I didn't want to stay in Alabama forever, that I wasn't going to stay around home forever, but I never thought I'd receive this kind of opportunity. I'm at a place in my life where I'm prepared to let the past go and move on. I'm ready for the rest of my life to begin!
"It's not the balloon, it's a sandbag you've got to drop for the balloon to get off the ground." -From the film "Peace, Love, and Misunderstanding"
At this point last year, I was not even thinking about doing all of this. I was still eating anything and everything with no physical activity. Wow, have I come a long way. Not only have I lost 65 pounds since then, but I've changed my whole life. I put myself out there and got an amazing job out of it, more friends, and adopted this cheery disposition that you have all come to know :) Who knew that you could just switch your entire lifestyle and outlook on life like that? I sure didn't.
I told you previously that I've basically gone back to the beginning in terms of what I'm eating and how much I'm eating. This has proven to be a good move. I've gone back to eating some of the things that I was eating in the beginning, things that I loved for so long, but phased out because my body was bored. After not eating these things for a long time, I'm remembering why I did eat them for so long! After my body's had a break, it's appreciating these foods again and utilizing their healthy attributes. I guess sometimes you just have to take a step back, focus, and regain momentum. As difficult as this can sometimes be, it's worth the struggle. I'm really trying to kick it up a notch now that I'm gonna be able to go to the beach all Summer! Gotta get that swimsuit-ready body ;)
The more I talk with other people about moving, the more real it's becoming. It's beginning to hit me and I'm becoming more and more anxious. I've now seen pictures of my new home, my new room, my new neighborhood and it's just so surreal. I mean really, is this real life? I've always dreamed of doing something like this, just picking up and moving somewhere completely different, but never did I expect it to actually happen. Before all of these changes in my life, something like this was just an amazing thought, something to fantasize about. But now, after to proving so many things to myself, proving that I can do what I really want to do, I have found that this is true in all aspects of my life. Never did I think something like this was possible, and I was content with that. I was content with too many things that weren't what I truly wanted. Changing one thing leads to more change. Start small, but dream big. Set goals, but take your time and focus on reaching them the right way.
This next month and a half is going to be very busy for me! I have so many things to do/buy before the move and I have so many people to see, places to go, and goodbyes to give. As sad as it will be to leave some people, I know that this is right. This is what I'm supposed to do. I don't think I ever explained how I got this job so here's the rundown: The site is called newaupair.com and is the number one site in matching families with nannies. I signed up, made a profile, and waited to be contacted. To my surprise, I was added by several families as a 'favorite' and was personally contacted by about six or seven of them. I emailed back and forth with these families who lived in New Zealand, Australia, Germany, and another U.S. family, but something about this job, this family really pulled me in. I just felt an immediate connection, and I know that this is part of the Plan. I'm just so ready to get to California! But I will be sad to let go of my life here.
Change is tough, but sorely needed. Settling is never OK. Not to me. I've settled so many times in my life, and I'm finally at a point in my life where I feel that I can be picky. I always knew that I didn't want to stay in Alabama forever, that I wasn't going to stay around home forever, but I never thought I'd receive this kind of opportunity. I'm at a place in my life where I'm prepared to let the past go and move on. I'm ready for the rest of my life to begin!
"It's not the balloon, it's a sandbag you've got to drop for the balloon to get off the ground." -From the film "Peace, Love, and Misunderstanding"
Sunday, January 6, 2013
You can begin again, with pure joy in the uprooting.
I already posted the news on Facebook, but that life-changing job opportunity I was hinting at has become official: I'm moving to Benicia, California (San Francisco Bay area) to
live and work as an Au Pair! I'll be leaving towards the middle or end of next
month and I just could not be more excited! Or scared, or happy, or
terrified, or anxious...I have so many conflicting emotions going
through my mind and my heart...I think I've still yet to let it truly
sink in that I'm moving to California, that I'm moving to the West
Coast, that I'm leaving Alabama and the Southeast. Holy cow, I'm moving to California.
When I said that I wanted to close the latest book in my life and begin a new one, obviously I wasn't kidding. This is the most courageous, crazy, and exciting thing I've ever decided to do. I'm proud of myself for deciding to make such an extreme change and for deciding to explore more of the world around me. I kind of can't believe that this is happening! I'm a bit in awe of the situation...
So, with this job, I'll be living with a single mother (a surgeon), her 9 year old son, and 4 year old daughter. My duties will include getting the kids out of bed, fixing breakfast and school lunch, driving them to school, helping out with errands, picking them up from school, helping with dinner, bath time, and bed time. More specifically, my hours are basically 6 or 7am-9am then 3pm-7pm. That's right, I have the whole day to do what I need to do and weekends off. The money is good, the hours are good, and the best part? She is willing to help me pay for school tuition, books, etc...Could this woman and this job be any more ideal?! The main reason I wasn't getting the ball rolling on getting back into school was because I couldn't figure out a way to pay for it. So, now with Adele's help, I'll be able to finish my degree!
The town in which I'll be living is beautiful, has wonderful weather, their house is on a hill that has a view of the bay, and it's about 45 minutes from San Francisco. I'll be 3 hours from Yosemite, 3 hours from Lake Tahoe, 4 hours from Reno, 5 1/2 hours from L.A., close enough to Portland and Seattle to make weekend trips....Just so many places and things to see! I'm finally getting to travel and explore. I'm finally getting the opportunity to get out of my comfort zone and live in a way that's completely different than I'm accustomed to. I. am. elated. One of my favorite aspects? I'll be 45 minutes from AT&T Park. That means I'll be able to go see the Giants play at home! I know, I'm weird, but I am SO pumped about this! I'm pumped about all of this!
But I'm also absolutely terrified. How could I not be?! It's such an exciting scared, a positive scared. And still, a scared scared. I'll be living on the opposite side of the country of my family and friends. I won't be able to walk across the hall and see my mommy, I won't be just an hour and a half from my sister and most of my friends, I won't be just a few miles from my Birmingham friends, I won't have my baby kitties with me! I'll be living in a new way, in a new place, with new people. I've never had the opportunity to completely start over in such a way. Of course, when I left for college, I was granted a bit of a fresh start, but I was still moving away to somewhere familiar and to a town in which my sister was already established. This venture is mine, this is something I'm doing alone. This is crazy. That's the only word for it. It is absolutely crazy! Slowly, after I've really thought about it for a few days, I'll begin to feel the effects of this decision and all of the emotions that will come with it. But for now, I'm mainly overwhelmed with excitement!
And I'm so blessed to have the parents that I have. I know that they are sad that I'll be so far away, but they've been incredibly supportive of this since I began talking about it. They've already begun the planning process with me and are going to be accompanying me out there. This road trip is going to be so much fun :) I've always wanted to drive cross-country and I finally have an excuse. I'm so excited that I could scream!!! I told you it was big news ;)
This blog is going to be filled with so much more! I'm going to have so many more experiences and such to talk about and keep you updated with! I'll be continuing my journey to complete health, I'll just be doing it somewhere else. I'll still be discovering things about myself and sharing with you the inner-workings of my mind, it will just be intertwined with the details of my new life. This blog has gotten me to this point. This blog is the one of the reasons I've gotten to this job. Through my writing, I've discovered so much about myself and what I can do. This blog has helped me to build self-confidence and to put myself out there. I owe so much to all of you. Without you and your words of encouragement, I would not have continued to write for as long as I have, and, therefore, not reached this turning point in my life. You're all amazing and I look forward to sharing this new book of my life with you :)
"Nothing remains as it was. If you know this, you can
begin again, with pure joy in the uprooting.” -Judith Minty
When I said that I wanted to close the latest book in my life and begin a new one, obviously I wasn't kidding. This is the most courageous, crazy, and exciting thing I've ever decided to do. I'm proud of myself for deciding to make such an extreme change and for deciding to explore more of the world around me. I kind of can't believe that this is happening! I'm a bit in awe of the situation...
So, with this job, I'll be living with a single mother (a surgeon), her 9 year old son, and 4 year old daughter. My duties will include getting the kids out of bed, fixing breakfast and school lunch, driving them to school, helping out with errands, picking them up from school, helping with dinner, bath time, and bed time. More specifically, my hours are basically 6 or 7am-9am then 3pm-7pm. That's right, I have the whole day to do what I need to do and weekends off. The money is good, the hours are good, and the best part? She is willing to help me pay for school tuition, books, etc...Could this woman and this job be any more ideal?! The main reason I wasn't getting the ball rolling on getting back into school was because I couldn't figure out a way to pay for it. So, now with Adele's help, I'll be able to finish my degree!
The town in which I'll be living is beautiful, has wonderful weather, their house is on a hill that has a view of the bay, and it's about 45 minutes from San Francisco. I'll be 3 hours from Yosemite, 3 hours from Lake Tahoe, 4 hours from Reno, 5 1/2 hours from L.A., close enough to Portland and Seattle to make weekend trips....Just so many places and things to see! I'm finally getting to travel and explore. I'm finally getting the opportunity to get out of my comfort zone and live in a way that's completely different than I'm accustomed to. I. am. elated. One of my favorite aspects? I'll be 45 minutes from AT&T Park. That means I'll be able to go see the Giants play at home! I know, I'm weird, but I am SO pumped about this! I'm pumped about all of this!
But I'm also absolutely terrified. How could I not be?! It's such an exciting scared, a positive scared. And still, a scared scared. I'll be living on the opposite side of the country of my family and friends. I won't be able to walk across the hall and see my mommy, I won't be just an hour and a half from my sister and most of my friends, I won't be just a few miles from my Birmingham friends, I won't have my baby kitties with me! I'll be living in a new way, in a new place, with new people. I've never had the opportunity to completely start over in such a way. Of course, when I left for college, I was granted a bit of a fresh start, but I was still moving away to somewhere familiar and to a town in which my sister was already established. This venture is mine, this is something I'm doing alone. This is crazy. That's the only word for it. It is absolutely crazy! Slowly, after I've really thought about it for a few days, I'll begin to feel the effects of this decision and all of the emotions that will come with it. But for now, I'm mainly overwhelmed with excitement!
And I'm so blessed to have the parents that I have. I know that they are sad that I'll be so far away, but they've been incredibly supportive of this since I began talking about it. They've already begun the planning process with me and are going to be accompanying me out there. This road trip is going to be so much fun :) I've always wanted to drive cross-country and I finally have an excuse. I'm so excited that I could scream!!! I told you it was big news ;)
This blog is going to be filled with so much more! I'm going to have so many more experiences and such to talk about and keep you updated with! I'll be continuing my journey to complete health, I'll just be doing it somewhere else. I'll still be discovering things about myself and sharing with you the inner-workings of my mind, it will just be intertwined with the details of my new life. This blog has gotten me to this point. This blog is the one of the reasons I've gotten to this job. Through my writing, I've discovered so much about myself and what I can do. This blog has helped me to build self-confidence and to put myself out there. I owe so much to all of you. Without you and your words of encouragement, I would not have continued to write for as long as I have, and, therefore, not reached this turning point in my life. You're all amazing and I look forward to sharing this new book of my life with you :)
"Nothing remains as it was. If you know this, you can
begin again, with pure joy in the uprooting.” -Judith Minty
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Immerse Yourself In The Beauty Of The World
Confession: It had been at least 2 months since running, jogging, or even walking. That is until last night when I finally convinced myself that I have to do it. I jogged a full mile in the freezing January air, and in pretty good time, too. Before, I had gotten my time down to about a 9.5 minute mile, and last night I did it in about 12. That's not terrible for my first time back out there. Yes, it hurt my chest to breathe in the cold air. Yes, it hurt my muscles and I'm a little sore today. But I feel so much better just knowing that I'm getting back in the habit. It's going to take me a little bit of time to build my stamina back up and get back to running 3-4 miles each day. But I will. I'm going to work hard to get my strength back. I'm proud of myself.
Something that I've been thinking about lately is how we perceive the world and how it can affect how you feel and how it can change the way you act. You know what I came up with? The more you see beauty, the more beautiful the world becomes, the more beautiful you become. As you immerse yourself in the beauty of the world, the beauty of the world immerses itself in you. If you look out your window and see a gloomy, gray sky, you don't have to let that dictate your mood. You don't have to adopt that same gloomy disposition. Figure out what it is that you find beautiful about the gray skies. Sometimes gray can be stunning. Sometimes bare branches can be so intricate and unique that they become like natural cathedrals. It's all about how you look at things. If you find beauty, beauty finds you. For too long I was down and dark because I was seeing the world as a sad and gloomy place. Just because the Sun isn't shining doesn't mean you can't still be sunny.
It is so easy to be cynical and pessimistic. Keeping positive can take work, but is a much more delightful way in which to live. Misery is too easy. Why would you want to take the easy road? Why be lazy? If you're willing to work on being happy, if you're willing to work on yourself, you're most likely going to feel a sense of accomplishment you were unaware that you could experience. When I was eating unhealthy things this holiday season and not exercising, I could feel my mood falling. I could feel my optimism fading. I could feel everything I had worked for slipping through my fingers. But as soon as I began to eat healthy things again, I felt my attitude slowly rising again. The further into this year we move, the better I feel about myself and what I'm doing. Now, after beginning to run again, I can feel my pride growing again. I've reverted back to the way I lived in the beginning of this process. I've lowered my calorie count, I'm eating only healthy items, and I'm sticking to the plan. I'm going to take it one day at a time and truly focus.
I was misinformed about work yesterday. I still have one more week with this family, so I still have a few days to say my goodbyes to these precious kids. As sad as I am to leave them, I am so incredibly excited to start writing a new book. I am not going to write a new chapter in this volume of my life. I'm closing this current book altogether and beginning a new one entirely. Trust me, when I am able to tell you why, you'll understand why that is. I'm so excited to welcome big change into my life and to begin a new life. God truly does have incredible timing and I am so thankful to have had so many things working in my favor as of late. I will most likely have definitive plans after tomorrow, and I cannot wait to tell you :)
Something that I've been thinking about lately is how we perceive the world and how it can affect how you feel and how it can change the way you act. You know what I came up with? The more you see beauty, the more beautiful the world becomes, the more beautiful you become. As you immerse yourself in the beauty of the world, the beauty of the world immerses itself in you. If you look out your window and see a gloomy, gray sky, you don't have to let that dictate your mood. You don't have to adopt that same gloomy disposition. Figure out what it is that you find beautiful about the gray skies. Sometimes gray can be stunning. Sometimes bare branches can be so intricate and unique that they become like natural cathedrals. It's all about how you look at things. If you find beauty, beauty finds you. For too long I was down and dark because I was seeing the world as a sad and gloomy place. Just because the Sun isn't shining doesn't mean you can't still be sunny.
It is so easy to be cynical and pessimistic. Keeping positive can take work, but is a much more delightful way in which to live. Misery is too easy. Why would you want to take the easy road? Why be lazy? If you're willing to work on being happy, if you're willing to work on yourself, you're most likely going to feel a sense of accomplishment you were unaware that you could experience. When I was eating unhealthy things this holiday season and not exercising, I could feel my mood falling. I could feel my optimism fading. I could feel everything I had worked for slipping through my fingers. But as soon as I began to eat healthy things again, I felt my attitude slowly rising again. The further into this year we move, the better I feel about myself and what I'm doing. Now, after beginning to run again, I can feel my pride growing again. I've reverted back to the way I lived in the beginning of this process. I've lowered my calorie count, I'm eating only healthy items, and I'm sticking to the plan. I'm going to take it one day at a time and truly focus.
I was misinformed about work yesterday. I still have one more week with this family, so I still have a few days to say my goodbyes to these precious kids. As sad as I am to leave them, I am so incredibly excited to start writing a new book. I am not going to write a new chapter in this volume of my life. I'm closing this current book altogether and beginning a new one entirely. Trust me, when I am able to tell you why, you'll understand why that is. I'm so excited to welcome big change into my life and to begin a new life. God truly does have incredible timing and I am so thankful to have had so many things working in my favor as of late. I will most likely have definitive plans after tomorrow, and I cannot wait to tell you :)
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
A New Life Could Be Headed My Way
I'm not going to lie to you, I did slip up a little with the 3 day diet; not so badly that I set myself back, but enough to just keep me in place with not much further loss. In total, I lost 4.5 pounds, so I'm a little more than half way back to where I was before the Holidays. I can work with that. I'm a little disappointed in myself for not sticking to it, but I'm also in the process of re-teaching my mind how to think about food and re-shrinking my stomach. I didn't expect to just magically get back to normal, so I think I'm doing well. I have been eating really good foods in correct portion and am feeling better and better with each day.
My sleeping, however, is a different story. I fell asleep around 10:30 last night, but it didn't stick. I've been awake since 3:30 this morning...craziness. I've had a lot on my mind throughout the past couple of days and, while they are good things, they're still weighing heavily upon my thoughts. There's also the added stress factor of money. Actually, there's always that factor. I hate money. Absolutely hate it. Lack of money can be one of the most difficult things in life to deal with and, unfortunately, there is no way around the need for it.
This is my last week working with this family. I thought that I would be with them a little bit longer, but I knew that this job was going to be coming to an end soon. However, I have an incredible possible job opportunity in the near future. I don't want to go into detail just yet because nothing is set in stone, but I will say that it will require me to relocate. And I just could not be more excited about this prospect! I've discussed my yearning to travel and experience life in a different place before and this may just be the answer I've been looking for.
I have a phone interview later today and I cannot wait to get more answers and get closer to a definitive decision. I'm putting my faith in Him to help me make the right decision for myself and to help this woman to make the right decision about me. I know that He has a plan, and if I put my trust in Him, I'll end up where I'm supposed to be. I hope more than anything that this works out for me, but if it doesn't, that's fine.....but I really hope it does :)
I'll have more updates for you soon about this endeavor and I hope that you will also pray for me to get the answers I'm looking for. <3
My sleeping, however, is a different story. I fell asleep around 10:30 last night, but it didn't stick. I've been awake since 3:30 this morning...craziness. I've had a lot on my mind throughout the past couple of days and, while they are good things, they're still weighing heavily upon my thoughts. There's also the added stress factor of money. Actually, there's always that factor. I hate money. Absolutely hate it. Lack of money can be one of the most difficult things in life to deal with and, unfortunately, there is no way around the need for it.
This is my last week working with this family. I thought that I would be with them a little bit longer, but I knew that this job was going to be coming to an end soon. However, I have an incredible possible job opportunity in the near future. I don't want to go into detail just yet because nothing is set in stone, but I will say that it will require me to relocate. And I just could not be more excited about this prospect! I've discussed my yearning to travel and experience life in a different place before and this may just be the answer I've been looking for.
I have a phone interview later today and I cannot wait to get more answers and get closer to a definitive decision. I'm putting my faith in Him to help me make the right decision for myself and to help this woman to make the right decision about me. I know that He has a plan, and if I put my trust in Him, I'll end up where I'm supposed to be. I hope more than anything that this works out for me, but if it doesn't, that's fine.....but I really hope it does :)
I'll have more updates for you soon about this endeavor and I hope that you will also pray for me to get the answers I'm looking for. <3
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