Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven....

I know, I know...I've been doing a horrible job of keeping you updated recently....But sometimes it can be a good sign! I've been too busy simply living my life to stop to write it down! Let's see...where did I leave off? I just went back to my posts to see how long it's been...almost a month...woops! Since November 13, I've enjoyed working in the city, spending time with this kid, but having some difficulty with the commuting demands of this job. I don't mind the commute, but I'm not working enough hours or getting paid enough to balance it out. I was originally going to be working around 40 hours a week, but am only reaching about 20-25 and it's killing me. I'm going to discuss my issues with my boss, but at this point, I don't think it will be possible to work more hours and I'm almost completely sure that she cannot afford to pay me more per hour. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I'm drowning money-wise. It's really a shame because I enjoy this job and working in the city, but it may come down to me being forced to find something in the East Bay closer to me.

Anyway, I just got back from a week-long Thanksgiving vacation in San Diego with John and his family and it was an absolute blast! The house we stayed in was practically on the beach, it was beautiful, and we all had such a good time together. I never thought I'd be interested in living in Southern California, but after spending time in San Diego, I could totally see myself moving down there in the future. The sunsets there are just breathtaking and different every single day. I also got to experience my first NFL game! Bengals v. Chargers and it was a great first experience. Pretty much the whole week was wonderful. I was incredibly exhausted by the time we got back late Wednesday night, but it was definitely worth it. If you ever have a chance to visit that city, do it. 

So, where are we in the countdown...Oh, that's right, only TEN days until I fly home for Christmas!!!! And I'll be there for a 3.5 weeks!!! I thought I was excited to go home back in the Summer, but that excitement pales in comparison to what I'm feeling right now! I haven't seen my family in over four months, I'm dying to get back to Mom's cooking, and dear Lord, I need to get my hands on that precious baby Carter....Every time I see a video of that child, I get teary-eyed...This next week and a half is going to go by way too slowly, but it's so incredibly close. Anxious, anxious, anxious. 

I really didn't have a lot to catch you up on, but there it is. Job woes, San Diego,  and flying home in just over a week. Yep, that about sums it up! Oh, and I'll try not to wait so long between posts this time ;)

Still Searching for Opportunity

This new job is wearing me out, but in a great way! I'm loving working in the city, loving getting to explore and hang out with this kid, and actually being able to get outside and do stuff rather than being stuck inside somewhere. We walk around a lot and play, take the dog for walks, and I'm BARTing several times a week which involves about a mile walk from the station to the apartment. I'm getting the same kind of exhaustion I experience from running everyday and that is fantastic! I still feel like I'm not doing enough in order to further my weight loss progress, however. I'm having a hard time controlling my eating as well since every day is different and I'm unable to really fall into a routine. It's kind of turned into just eat what you can when you can. I'm trying, though!

Last week was pretty stressful with figuring everything out with the job such as them moving from one apartment to another, train departure times, when to leave my house, where to park on days I have to get him from preschool, dealing with the dog while he adjusts to the new apartment, etc. But now everything is running pretty smoothly and I'm feeling much better about it all...Now if only I had money...We agreed upon a bi-weekly payment, so I don't get my first paycheck until the end of this week. I'm not gonna lie, I'm almost completely broke. BUT I just have to hold out for a few more days. I have enough gas for the rest of the week and some cash for BART, but I hate the feeling of not having enough money. I haven't been this broke since I was in school. Ugh. Just. a few. more. days. I can do it! 

I'm not sure why it's taken me this long, but I finally feel like I live here. Not in the "I'm just staying here for a little while for the experience" kind of way, but in the "I have a house and a roommate and a boyfriend and friends and job in the city" kind of way. The recent changes I experienced have made my life here feel more permanent. And because I'm actually genuinely happy here now, I miss home a little less. Oh, trust, I still miss home more than I ever thought possible, but it's not in a depressing "I want to move back home" kind of way. 'Cause honestly, I had considered it for a little while. Even before I moved out of Benicia and switched jobs. But I'm proud of myself and maybe even a little impressed with myself for sticking out those emotions and thoughts and actually not quitting something like I have so many times in the past. Huh, I really have changed.

So, a lot of you may know that I auditioned for the role of Eponine in a local production of 'Les Mis' and I even got a call back! But unfortunately I did not get the part. Super sad face. I was offered a spot in the featured women's ensemble, but I'm not sure if I'm going to do it. The rehearsal schedule and such is super time consuming and would take a lot of commuting. Now, for a starring role, my dream role, I would have made it work no matter what, but I'm not sure that I want to put myself through it.... I'm a lot more disappointed about not getting the role than I thought I would be, but hey, I got a call back for a production that had over 400 people audition for with only 7 other girls called back for that particular role. I'm pretty impressed with myself. I don't want to give up on this dream, but it sure is discouraging when stuff like this happens.... It will be my time someday, but until then, I'll just have to keep trying and putting myself out there. 

I truly, honestly feel like performing is what I'm supposed to be doing which may be the subconscious reason for why I'm putting off school and getting a 
real job. I don't want to do anything else. I want to sing for a living in some facet, preferably in theater, and I feel like I'm good enough. I'm not trying to sound cocky, I'm just going on what I've been told :) I'm confident in myself in some ways, but none more than in my ability to sing. No matter how heavy or big I was or how down I was emotionally, singing has never been something that I've questioned about myself. I've always jumped at every chance to perform, any chance to share my gift, any chance to exercise my creativity. I've always felt happiest while performing. That's still something that's always been kind of baffling about my personality...For someone with social anxiety issues, who never liked having too much attention drawn to herself, I love being in the spotlight for something I know that I'm good at. Same with colorguard, I loved spinning and performing those shows because I knew I was good at it and felt confident in my ability. If I could just find a way to do something creative with my gift, I would be the happiest person on Earth. But rejection is just a part of this business and I have to toughen up! 

I feel like there are many reasons that I moved out here, but this could very well be the main one. Nothing was going to happen for me in Alabama, so moving to a place like this, with so much more opportunity, has to get me closer to my dream, right? I'm just going to keep my eyes open, look for more chances, and keep fighting until something happens for me. That's all I can do! I can't sit back and wait for something to come to me, I have to keep looking and working to get what I want, just like how I found my way out of Birmingham. This is true with pretty much everything in life, you have to work hard for what you want, no matter what it is. I wish it would just fall in my lap, but where's the fun in that? ;)

Last Change, I promise! I think….

I realize that the continuing changes in my life have been a bit hard to keep up with, but that's life. Even I have trouble keeping up with myself sometimes…But I'm hoping that this is the last big change for a while…I've taken a different full-time job which starts on Monday. Yeah, I know. So many jobs. But this means I'll no longer have to work more than one job or guess at how many days a week I'll be working. The main reason for the job change was that the other family that I was going to start with in January has had to push their maternity leave back until like the second week of February which means that I'd still be doing just part-time with them until she goes back to work. I just cannot keep doing this. I can't keep searching for other part-time or temporary jobs to supplement the two days a week I'd be working with them. So, that's the latest installment in my ever-evolving life.

One of my favorite things about this new job is that it's in the city! I'm going to be working in the Nob Hill neighborhood of San Francisco and I'm super excited about it! So, I'll still have to commute, but now I have the option to BART into the city instead of drive. For those of you unfamiliar with the Bay area, BART is the public train system that runs from the East Bay into the city and south of the city. It's cheap, it's easy, and I won't have to sit in traffic every morning. I will have to walk about 20-25 minutes from the station to their apartment, but ya know what? I welcome it with open arms. A mandatory session of exercise? Yes please! It won't be a short commute, but with the morning traffic getting over the Bay Bridge, it will honestly end up taking the same amount of time either way. And it is so much less stressful than freeway traffic…I could read on the way to work and that's so much more fun than getting mad about it taking 20 minutes to move 1 mile on the freeway...

Also, this family is actually from Atlanta. How exciting is that?! The mother is younger, probably only a few years old than me, and grew up in Atlanta and has family in Birmingham. We both jumped for joy when we realized that we were both Southern girls :) I went over to meet everyone today and the little boy I'll be hanging out with everyday came down the stairs and just jumped on me with a hug. We're off to a great start :) We played a little, helped put his Halloween costume together, talked with the mother and grandmother who happened to be in town, and the father (they're no longer together, but he is very much still involved in the child's life and will be interacting with me fairly frequently). I'll be working from about 8:15am to 5:15pm Tuesday through Saturday, which is odd, but it works. Having Mondays off may turn out to be amazing, we'll just have to see!

Like I said, I would normally be working Tues-Sat, but they are moving from Larkspur in Marin County (the county where I've been working for the last month) to Nob Hill on Monday, so I'm going to go to the old place Monday morning and hang out with the little one (he's 3, by the way) while mom moves and gets everything settled. I'm totally happy to be helping out and getting started so quickly! Before we ever agreed to anything, I told her about my trip to San Diego for Thanksgiving with John's family (oh yeah, I don't think I mentioned that. That's happening :) and my trip home in December for Christmas and New Year's and she was totally fine with it. That was a big relief since I'm starting so close to the holidays. Look at that, life just falling together again.

Seriously, once again, my life has fallen into place in an awesome way and has been much less stressful. I've gotten so lucky so often lately and I could not be more grateful! I feel like everything that's happened in the last month has been  what was supposed to happen all along and that it was all in the Plan from the beginning. The live-in job got me out here, brought me to John, and gave me an experience to learn from. But this is where I'm supposed to be. I feel secure in my job, have a great house with a roommate I still can't believe that I found, and finally feel independent again. I hate to leave the family I've been helping on the weekends, but I'm looking forward to no more sleeping away from home for work. I'm going to miss it :( But she did tell me that she has some social events coming this month that she could use my help for and I'll definitely jump on those opportunities! So, even though my life keeps changing and evolving quickly and suddenly, it's all been for the better. I literally have nothing to complain about.

Leaves Are Changing

Ya know what I'm missing right now? Autumn in Alabama. Though, I've been pleasantly surprised by the changing leaves and chilly weather around the Bay, it's nothing compared to back home. I honestly wasn't sure if I'd get to see any Fall leaves, but the Bay has surprised me! I miss going to JSU games on Saturdays, watching my beloved Southerners perform a million times a season, our Fall decorations around the inside and outside of the house, cooking delicious Fall meals with Mom, just being around family (of course, that's true for any time of year…). I will say, though, that the weather here is much more desirable for this season. It's cold in the mornings, chilly, then warm, then back to chilly and cold again at night. It's exactly how it should feel in October. There's always a nice breeze (or 40mph winds depending on which part of the Bay you're in), sunny most of the time, but lately have experienced that infamous San Francisco fog. It's odd, but really cool! It's really awesome to be able to experience the seasons in a different part of the country, for sure.

So, I'm really enjoying this whole freedom during the week thing. I've been able to enjoy going out on weeknights, hanging out with John on random weekdays when we're both off, and just not having to let anyone know where I'm going or when I'll be back…Freedom. It's a beautiful thing. And I know it sounds crazy, but it's really nice to have to drive to work. It's easier to get up in the morning when you know you actually have to leave and be somewhere on time. Of course it's amazing that work is not at home, so leaving and coming back is really nice. I no longer feel trapped in my own home. I also feel less like a guest and more like I'm just a tenant. Another positive aspect is living with someone closer to my age! It's great waking up on a day off, making coffee, preparing some breakfast, and eating and chatting with Jariah at the kitchen table. Same goes for in the evening and dinner time. Also, hanging out by the fire place and just discussing our day and simple things like that. My life has made a complete turn-around. 

I don't feel down anymore. I don't feel heavy. I don't feel stuck. I feel like I'm finally living my own life and am enjoying the heck out of it! My temporary job with this precious little boy in Tiburon is coming to an end soon and I've really enjoyed it! The overnight thing is kind a pain sometimes, but it saves me commuting time and gas and she pays so well that there's no way I could say no! I'm still working a couple of days a week with my permanent family, but I'm going to try to find another part-time/temp job to supplement the work week. I still can't believe how well everything came together when I was in such a panic, but I am so grateful that it did. I really just could not be more pleased with everything right now. Life is good.

A Happy Life Since The Big Changes

This past week has been such a good one. 1000x better than the week before, let me tell ya. I've been working a lot, sleeping a lot, settling into these two jobs, and my house. Well, kind of settling into my house. The overnight part-time job has me gone a lot, but it's worth it because it's easy money and a lot of money…At this point in my life, I'm ok with working a lot because I need the cash and I know that this is temporary. If I had the thought in the back of my head that this is what I'll be doing for a long period of time, I'd be much less inclined to keep doing it. I know that I'm only doing all of this for the next month and a half or so. After I get back from the holidays in January, I'll be working one job and only 4 days a week with regular hours. But the main difference in my stress and happiness levels is that I have a separate place to live when the day is done. I can leave and go to my own house where I know that no one is going to knock on my door and ask me to do something after I'm off work. I can't tell you how big of a deal it is. I know that all of you parents out there are thinking "wait 'til you have your own kids.." But, they're not my own kids. They're not my full-time life. I leave at the end of the day and I need it. When it is with my kids, I don't think I'll be able to even leave the room for more than a minute….

I worked my first day with my (eventual) full-time family this past Thursday and I can tell you that I absolutely made the right decision. I had actually interviewed for and was basically offered another job that's in SF that paid a good bit more, but they were asking for a lot more hours and commuting in and out of the city would be a pain…So, ultimately I chose what was best for me not based on income. I'm making and will be making plenty of money and with a much happier and well-suited job. I feel very blessed to have had these options and to have been able to make a decision based on my well-being rather than money. Not a lot of people are so lucky. The only thing that is suffering slightly at the moment is my eating and exercise habits. I'm having a hard time finding the time to get out and run or walk and I'm trying to eat what I should, but it ain't easy, yo. Honestly, I'm getting more exercise on the weekends when I go out with John and we walk everywhere. My life is  so different now, lol. But, I will be walking a good bit with the families when taking them to schools, classes, etc. That makes me feel better. I think I kind of let myself get into a mindset in which I'm not thinking about what I'm eating, I'm just thinking about getting food into my system. That's not a great way to think….

My goal for this coming week is to get myself back on track and focus more on what I'm putting into my body. I want to get out and run when I can and not worry so much about getting into a routine. Honestly, the chances of me getting a routine going are pretty slim. I'll be more able to once I go full-time in the new year, but for now I just have to do what I can when I can. I'm not going to stress myself out over it, though. I'm happy, y'all. And that's not something I've been able to say with complete honesty in a long time. My life came together in an awesome way, I have two great jobs, I have an awesome house with an awesome roommate, and a loving and supportive boyfriend. I don't know what else I could have at this point to make an improvement. Yeah, being closer to family would be tops, but in my situation, I've got just about everything I could ask for. All smiles from this girl :)

"I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”

Ok. Let's talk about the soap opera that has been my life for the past 2 weeks…..I'll start from the beginning. A few weeks ago, I was beginning to look around on Care.com for a new nanny position because truth is, I was no longer happy with my living arrangements. I felt that I had no freedom, not enough privacy, wasn't really able to leave during the week, couldn't plan an independent life outside of work because the hours were so erratic, and I just knew that I was becoming burned out and exhausted of the whole situation. So, I began the search to make a change for January and it wasn't long until I had secured a job for a precious young family living in Mill Valley. I interviewed for Sarah on a Sunday, was offered the job that Thursday, accepted the next day, and was babysitting for them by that Saturday. It was a whirlwind process, but a very positive one. I began searching for a place to live, obviously, but no one wanted to wait for a new roommate for the new year, everyone seemed to need someone right-stat-now. 

So, I informed Adele of what was going on and she agreed that it was time for everyone to move, which was a huge relief! However, she decided that she would rather have someone new and in place before the holidays and a new school semester in order to have said person acclimated and prepared. Totally understandable. But then things got cold. I will not go into too much detail or bash anyone on a public forum because I'm not trashy. I will just say that I was uncomfortable living there that I knew that I needed to get out of there as soon as I possibly could. I had been working diligently all day and night trying to find a place to live and some part-time/temporary work. I cannot begin to express to you fully how stressed and freaked out I was. I knew I needed out, but I didn't know where I was going to go! But then, after talking to Sarah about my situation, we agreed that some part-time work with the family now would benefit everyone in the long run anyway! That was one relief. 

I had found this house that was pretty affordable and in a not-too-bad location in relation to work, went to see it and meet the tenants on Monday night. By the grace of God, I had found the perfect place. Jariah, a 21-year-old nanny, new to the Bay area, is my new roommate and I could not be happier about it. She is so sweet, similar in personality, lifestyle, and tastes and the house is what I need right now. First of all, it's my own place in which I can live more comfortably and freely. I can now leave work and come home. No more living at work. That separation is the main thing I was looking for in all of this. My own independent life. Our landlord is still living there, but is moving to Hawaii at the end of the month, leaving just Jariah and myself in this awesome house. And when I say awesome, I mean awesome. We have a very large pool in the backyard AND a hot tub. No, I'm not making that up...Mina, the landlord, is just fantastic too. I explained my tight financial situation to her and she so graciously worked with me on payments and such and I could not be more grateful. 

I left Benicia on Wednesday and stayed at John's for the rest of the week. I cannot tell you how much better he made my life over the past 4 days. I was an emotional wreck, though I hid it well for the most part. I silently freaked out for an entire week and then everything came out when I called my parents on Monday night. I hadn't really spoken to anyone about just how crazy everything was so I explained everything to them. I wanted to wait until I had a more concrete plan so that they wouldn't be freaked out too. So, because I hadn't spoken about it, when I finally did I couldn't control my emotions anymore. I lost the control and cried harder than I had in months and it felt amazing. I was so focused on figuring everything out that I hadn't really stopped to think about what exactly was happening. My life was changing drastically and I wasn't really paying attention to the craziness, I think I was just focused on the logistics of the situation. That hour and a half conversation was my therapy.

When I got to John's, he assured me that we were going to have fun and not have to focus on what was happening, but while that was happening, everything fell into place. I had been applying to as many childcare jobs as possible to fill in the days (I'm only working with Sarah on Wednesdays and Thursdays until the end of the year), and all of a sudden, I got responses to like 5! As I'm typing this, I'm sitting in the apartment of my other part-time job: working for a single mother watching her 2.5 year old little boy while she works over night on Sunday nights and then while she sleeps for a little while on Monday. Then, I come back Monday night, stay over again and take him to preschool on Tuesday morning and then I'm done until the next Sunday. And I get $400/week for this. Yep. I was all freaked out because I had no clue how I was going to pay rent and still be able to live, but thanks to this woman and Sarah letting me help out during the week, I'm making rent in just one week of each month. Yep. I literally teared up when I realized how much better my situation had all of a sudden gotten in a matter of days. 

So, after the work situation became solid, I was able to officially accept the room and lease-agreement with Mina and Jariah. I moved in today and am already feeling 110% better than I did just yesterday. John did make my week a million times better with all of the fun stuff and relaxing we did, but of course I was still a little worried about everything. Now that I've moved in, started this job, and starting with Sarah on Thursday, I'm no longer scared or freaked out. I know that with the help of my amazing family, my awesome boyfriend (who put gas in my car without telling me :), and Him, I'm safe and secure. I have nothing to worry about and I'm happier and feel more free now than I have in months. I sincerely appreciate everyone's concern and curiosity about my situation and for sticking with me. I didn't want to update until I had a firm plan and an absolute update. I'm just. I'm still emotional. I'm still a little on-edge. But I'm better and I'm so proud of myself for figuring everything out on my own. When I spoke to my mom that night she was wondering why I was so freaked because she said it seemed like I had everything figured out, and looking back on it, she was right. I think the freak out just came from a place where I have a fear of the unknown, ya know? I don't like not being in control of my situation and this made me feel more out of control than ever. 

Like I said, I'm very proud and kind of surprised that I did all of this myself. I could have easily just packed up my car and driven back to Alabama. But then what? Go back to doing exactly what I was doing before? No. I don't want to go backwards, I want to continue to grow and become this strong independent person that I'm becoming. I'm enjoying seeing myself develop and grow. Also, no way I was just leaving John… ;) I'm proud of what I did and knowing that I had the choice to change my situation for the better. Too many people stick with a job they hate simply because of money and fear. I like to think that I was brave enough to change my path. Yeah, we'll go with that :)

"I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” -Eric Roth

Meh

Well, I finally did it. I worked through the plateau and finally lost 2 more pounds making that a total of 12. I feel so relieved! I was starting to feel that it was never going to happen...Again, I'm sorry for not updating much for the past couple of weeks, but in all honesty I just straight up have not felt like it. By the time I had time to do any writing during the day, I was too tired or lazy to actually do it... Adele was on-call last week, so it was pretty hectic and full. This past weekend, however, I did whole lotta relaxing. Lots of laying around, John's 5 year old niece's birthday dinner thrown in there, and actual girl time in SF on Sunday. Overall, it was a pretty great 2 days. Now, this coming weekend we are finally-FINALLY-moving to the new house completely. The movers are scheduled for 10 am on Friday and we'll be good to go. Adele bought herself a new bed, so she offered her old one to me (and by old, I mean like less than a year old) which means I'll have my first big girl bed. Yeah. I've only ever had a twin bed for my entire life, but now I'll actually have a queen! Amazingly enough, the bedspread I have is queen sized because it was the only one left where I bought it and I really wanted it...I guess I subconsciously knew...

I've been trying to change up my walking/running routine lately and I guess it worked! I've been taking different routes, switching up distances, going at different times of the morning, different paces, etc. Your body really can get bored and changing things up can kind of trick it into losing. It is really easy to get complacent in your routine and not even think about it. If you're beginning to feel bored with what you're doing, change something. It does wonders. But please make sure you're resting as well. If you don't give it a break it can shut down and do the opposite of what you want it to. I do it to myself more than I should and then when I finally realize it, good things happen. 

I was actually kind of amazed that I lost after this past weekend because, real talk, I ate some junk....Maybe it just wasn't as much as I had thought. Friday night, I cooked dinner for me and John which was a delicious chicken, red potato, and cooked carrot dish (literally just chicken breasts, cut up red potatoes, and carrots that I'd already cooked in a pot with a little butter, brown sugar, and salt, all thrown together and lightly seasoned with salt, pepper, and italian seasoning in a 9x13 baking dish and cooked for 1 hour at 350 degrees). 'Twas delicious and juicy. We had my pumpkin pancakes for brunch on Saturday, then at the birthday dinner, we had vegetarian pizza, butternut squash soup, and cabbage salad. Of course, it wouldn't have been a birthday without cupcakes...totally had a chocolate one...Sunday, I went to lunch with a couple of girl friends and had this amazing-AMAZING- cheddar and ham grilled cheese on sourdough at this sandwich place in the North Beach neighborhood. It was literally one of the best things I've ever tasted in my life... I think the key to the weekend was that my body got rest, I didn't over-eat at any meal, and there was no eating in between the meals. If only I could do that every day...

Seriously, if I could sleep in every day, I'd probably be at my goal and then some. No joke. When I sleep in, I'm able to distribute what would have been my breakfast calories into the other two main meals of the day and I feel full for more of the day and have less tendency to want to snack. But since I can't sleep in every day, I have to control myself. Wanting to be healthy really sucks. Not really. But really. I'm extremely proud of myself so far this week because I've done a good job of keeping myself busy and not focused on food. I didn't do anything active yesterday simply because I just didn't wanna. Sometimes that's ok, especially after making progress weight-loss-wise over the weekend. When I weighed this morning, I was exactly the same as yesterday, so no harm done. I walked 3 miles today and I feel good about it. Instead of going this morning, I just waited until close to the time that I go to get Isa and just walked around the neighborhood and then got her and walked home. I like that set-up.

I lucked out and got tomorrow off because I have to work a little extra this evening and I'm pretty pumped about it. I've really had a hard time falling asleep this week and feeling super groggy in the mornings, so a chance to sleep will do wonders for me. I also have to take as much of my stuff as I can to the new house so that it will be easier for the movers on Friday. So, relaxing morning-busy day. I'll take it. 

So Many Things To Talk About

I literally spent the entire morning walking. For 2 hours and 16 minutes, 8.05 miles, I enjoyed the scenery in this beautiful town. For the first time, I branched out and actually took in what I was looking at, really seeing it all. I parked my car at the park where I usually do, but instead of heading out onto the park path, I went the other direction towards town. Along the way, I was able to smell, hear, see the water and feel the breeze coming off the bay and really look at all of the beautiful houses. I came across an almost hidden path down to the shore, went down it, and just stood there for a minute and looked. I also found a memorial park that has the American and California flags flying (at half-mast today, obviously) and I took a moment there, as well. When I turned around and headed back to the park, I decided not to do my usual. I, instead, followed the path that goes out into the marsh and brush where it was completely quiet. There was no one else out there with me, the clouds made it darker than usual and beautiful, and on my phone a piece of music began to play that was absolutely soothing. It was an amazing opportunity to relfect, be in peace, and remember what today's anniversary is. I actually began to cry a little because of everything going through my mind coupled with the music and scenery. I took some deeps breaths and just felt so content and thankful. I know it sounds cheesy, but it happened. I just felt very calm. More at ease than I've felt in weeks.

clockwise: the flags at half-mast, the hidden path, and what I was in the middle of and looking at on that path in the brush.

This week I've been on kind of an emotional roller coaster and have just been feeling down and more homesick than I ever thought possible. I've been homesick from time to time since I moved, but it has been overwhelming for the past couple of weeks. I've cried, talked to my mom about all of it, and over-eaten to the point of hating myself. But when I woke up this morning, I had a completely different attitude and felt more at ease and at peace than I have in weeks. I usually try to get through my daily exercise as quickly as possible in order to get back to the house so that I can get back to being lazy and to enjoy the empty, quiet the house but today, I enjoyed so much being out there and breathing in my surroundings. I didn't care or even notice how long I'd been going. I had slipped into a funk, but I'm quickly climbing back out of it. I am unfortunately an emotional eater and the first half of this week was a doozy, but now that I'm feeling more on the upside, I'm having a much easier time controlling my appetite. It definitely helps my mindset looking back at my fitness app record and seeing that I burned 875 calories today (walked to and from the school to get Isa added another 3/4 of a mile and 75 extra calories burned). I had to do something to make up for the past couple of days and I really feel like today was a sort of therapy for me.

On a much happier, less somber note, we have begun the moving process! This past weekend, I got my new bathroom completely set up, moved all of my shoes, most of my hang-up clothes, pictures, and wall hangings. It definitely makes me feel better actually putting my own things into that room and planning out where I want things to go. It's also really exciting that my closet is super big and my bathroom is awesome, ya know, without the toys falling all over me and boy pee all over the toilet, going in and having everything be exactly where I left it, and no towels on the floor. I've even had the chance to use the new shower a couple of times and let me tell ya, it's wonderful. It's so spacious and doesn't have an annoying curtain blowing in on me that I have to anchor down with shampoo bottles. It's the little things, guys. The new house really is incredibly beautiful and the views are ridiculous.

                          Sunset from the back patio and some pics from my bathroom.

Told ya. I can't wait to be completely moved over there and it shouldn't be too much longer until that happens. Adele talked about possibly having the beds moved over this weekend, so we may be sleeping there very soon. She's orded brand new couches for the living room and after seeing the picture of them, I'm ecstatic! They're gorgeous, dark brown leather and each end reclines. Ah. The current "couch" is actually a futon and it is grotesquely uncomfortable. Like, I don't think you understand. I wish I could think of something to compare it to, but nothing horrible enough comes to mind. I'll be much more inclined to hang out in the living room more since it won't give me back issues...It could really become easy to seclude myself once we move since my space is so separated from the rest of the house, but I don't want to let that happen. I want to hang out with the kids and spend time with the whole family, but in this house right now, it's hard for me to want to because the layout sucks and the furniture is terrible. It's no excuse, but it's all I've got. I'm ready for it to feel as if we live in a real home rather than just a temporary house. I feel at home with the family, but not in this structure. It's definitely time to get more permanent. 

I want to apologize for my absence for the past week and a half. Like I said, I've been down and emotional and exhausted and just in a somewhat foul mood. I'm over it now and I'm back. To kind of catch you up with where I am in the exercise department, let's talk about last week. Monday- 5.41 mi
Tuesday- 5.5 mi
Wednesday- 3 mi
Thursday- 5.5 mi
Friday- 3.28 mi
22.69 miles and approximately 2,815 calories burned for the week. 

That feels pretty good to look at. One of my favorite features of the Mapmyfitness app is that every Sunday, it emails you your "greatness at a glance" (that's what the weekly report is called and I love it). It tells you how many miles and hours logged, average pace, and calories burned for the week. It's really uplifting to see it all added up like that and to think back on what you accomplished. Because last week was so full and because I'm a girl and things happen...I'm taking it a little easier this week. My body is fatigued and I'm mentally unable to push myself as I normally do. I'm pretty much just walking this week, though I did run here and there during today's outing just to kind of break up the monotony of just walking and it gave my legs kind of a re-energizer. I'm having some soreness in my left knee again and have been having problems with the main joint of my right big toe, so to keep from further injuring myself, I'm not going to over-work. I have more time to take in what's around me and more time to enjoy beautiful music. I may do the same again tomorrow, honestly. It was an incredibly enjoyable and peaceful morning. I feel right, y'all. I feel right.

P.S. This is the beautifully peaceful piece of music that I was listening to when I was out on the path (was used for my favorite piece from this season of "So You Think You Can Dance").
ENJOY
Ya know what, I really just wanna share that too, so here. Seriously, you should watch that. They really do seem like they're underwater! Stunning. It makes me cry every time I watch it.

Re-motivated

I kind of lost my way this week. Not in running, that was actually pretty spectacular this week, but my eating habits were not a source of pride...I didn't go crazy or lose complete control, but I found myself doing a lot more "snacking" than normal. I'm still having a really hard time finding that balance of calories burned and calories eaten and I'm still quite frustrated by it. All I can do is to keep going and keep working hard at this. Yesterday's run was kind of amazing. I did 5.5 miles and I did the whole thing with no pain...That was weird...No side cramps, no leg cramps, nothin'...I wish it could be like that every time! Today wasn't too bad, but I was still having some side cramps. I took it easy and just did about 3.3 miles, but I burned 400 calories, so it was definitely a success. Three miles is "taking it easy". That feels good to say :)

I'm fairly certain I'm going to be able to begin the moving process this weekend! Adele is over at the new as at this moment getting the carpets cleaned and the locks changed. As soon as I get my key, she said it's OK for me to start moving stuff in. I'm so excited! I still haven't even packed anything, but I honestly don't have much to do...It's pretty much just clothing, to be honest. I can definitely get my bathroom set up and take books and such over, but thankfully, Adele is having movers come get all of the big furniture :D I don't think I've ever gotten to move (other than moving out here) and not actually have to move any furniture...And I've moved a lot, guys. Like, a lot a lot. 

Ya know, it seems like everytime I feel a little down about my control over eating, someone contacts me needing advice or just some words of encouragement and I feel in control again. It gets me motivated and refocused on what I need to do. It makes me look back on where I've been, what I've been through, how I got here, just gets me looking at my progress. It always seem to come in perfect timing, too. It always happens when I need to hear it the most and it happened again this week. I had a very close friend text me needing direction with really getting her process started and how to push herself and keep motivated and it made me go all the way back to my very first blog post when I explained everything to you guys about how I got to where I am. Re-reading that really helped me remember what I have done and what I need to do again. Looking back makes me want to be better. I love hearing from you guys :)

"Motivation is what gets you started, habit is what keeps you going." I have to remember that quote quite frequently. I have to keep myself motivated, but what keeps me motivated? Results. When I see a difference, feel a difference, feel good about myself, feel good physically, I'm motivated to keep it all going. Just because I'm not neccessarily losing weight, I'm doing good things for my body, my mood, and my future health. Being healthy now will help me age better and stay healthier for longer. I'm not just living for the now, I'm working for my future. I work hard for myself and for my future family. I want to be able to play with my kids (whenever that happens...) and not feel old. I want to be able to keep up with them without running out of breath, ya know? I want to be one of those moms that other people see and think "damn, she looks great! Has she really had kids?" Whenever I get married, I don't want to have to work to get into that certain size, I want to be there already. I want to be able to wear whatever wedding dress I want. Being healthy now will help me have a safer pregnancy one day and help me get back into shape afterwards. I'm at an age now where I have to think about these things rather just focusing on just looking good now. I'm doing all of this for so many reasons, so many important reasons. 

Even if you're struggling to get going or to keep going, just remember that one thing that got you motivated in the first place. My initial reasoning was because I was tired of feeling crappy about the way that I looked in clothes, but as I kept going, I realized that there is so much more to it than that. All of the other benefits kept me motivated and kept me working. Being unhealthy is not worth it in any way. There's this saying that I keep seeing on Pinterest: "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." First of all, lies. Pizza, cake, chocolate, tacos, pie, cookies, etc. I'd much rather just be able to eat whatever I want without getting fat, but I love food too much. Your motivation shouldn't be "skinny", it should be healthy. Some of the smallest people I know are also some of the most out of shape people I know. Just because you're small doesn't mean you're healthy. I know plenty of skinny people who can't run for a quarter of a mile without stopping. How you look shouldn't be the goal, it should be one of the many benefits of getting healthy. Don't work towards skinny, work towards healthy. I cannot say it enough. 

Lazy, Lazy, Lazy

Sometimes you just need a day to breathe. This is that day. I'm off until Tuesday morning and I kicked off the weekend in the best way possible: sleeping for 11 hours and then getting up (kind of) and doing nothing. Win. Adele took the kids to this thing in San Jose and won't be back until late tonight, so I have the house to myself for the day. That's just icing on the cake for me! Sometimes I really need to be completely alone with no one to talk to me, no one to ask me to do anything for them, no one to make noise; just me, my movies, and my bed. I am going to get out later, probably after dinner, for a walk around the neighborhood and that's the extent of it. The thought of getting out to that park and running for an hour makes me want to cry today. Last night I had some serious struggles trying to get through that run, but I pushed as hard as I could and at least got something done. But when I woke up this morning (almost afternoon), I found that I had actually lost a few ounces. Huh, interesting. I ran less and ate a little more. Maybe I'm getting closer to finding the right balance.

I'm going to be having my favorite food this evening: my pumpkin pancakes. I just could not be more excited! I haven't had them in months and now that Fall is right around the corner, I can't hold off anymore! I had a home-made pumpkin spice latte yesterday, pumpkin oatmeal for dinner, and a pumpkin smoothie for lunch today....Yep, it's that time again:

But seriously, it may be an addiction. No, it is. There's a feeling that comes with Fall and it makes me want to smell certain things, taste certain things, watch certain things, read certain things. This time of year makes me want to all of a sudden read everything Washington Irving and James Finimore Cooper have ever written, watch and read things set in the Hudson River Valley (I'm watching "The Last Of The Mohicans as I type...) and watch every Halloween themed movie out there. I want to smell burning leaves, hear the wind blow them off of the trees, see their colors. I wish it could be Fall all year round. But then I guess it wouldn't be so special, huh. 

Back to the lazy thing. I feel like I haven't just layed in bed and watched movies in weeks, so it was definitely over-due! I haven't changed out of my pajamas yet and I honestly have no plans to until I go for my walk. Why do that when no one is going to see me? And of course I'll be taking tomorrow and Sunday off from running. I'm sure I'll be doing some walking in Oakland, but it's much more leisurly. You have to recharge your batteries sometimes and there's nothing wrong with that. No one is Superman or Superwoman. As a human, you need to take time to let your body rest and rejuvenate! You must chill from time to time. Me today: no make up, hair in a bun, I mean damn, I haven't even put my contacts in yet! I might not....That's the beauty of these kinds of days. I recommend them to everyone. You run a serious risk of over-exerting yourself and setting your progress back when you don't take the time to let your body rest. Just trust me on this.

"Despite everything..."

I'm becoming less and less of a fan of the internet. There are a lot of not-so-great things happening in the world lately. Now, I'm not a political person and I won't pretend to know every detail of what's going on, but I can say that you don't have to let it get to you and drag you down. There is still good in the world whether you choose to see it or not. Most people, especially the media, tend to focus on the bad and what's wrong in the news, but we tend to forget that there are still really great things to look on in a positive light. Yes, there's war. Yes, there's poverty. Yes, it's an imperfect world. Ya know why? Because the human race is imperfect. These bad things will always be around no matter how hard we try to fix them, but we can still try. There's no reason to give up and give in to the evils out there. You can choose to be a positive light in this ever-changing, ever-darkening world. Why add to the bad?

I feel as though all I ever see on Facebook these days is negativity about politicians, celebrities, musicians, public figures, etc. and I gotta tell you, I can't stand it. I remember when Facebook first started and it was a much simpler place. People used it to share pictures, update friends on the goings-on in their lives, share knowledge, music, movies, books, what have you, but now people have taken it upon themselves to use it as a platform to voice their (at times obnoxious) opinions, especially about politics. I find, more often than not, that it usually completely alters my opinion of these people. I can't tell you how many friends I have hidden from my newsfeed based solely on this matter. I'm not talking about the people who share something every now and then. No, I'm talking about the people who post several times a day in what I can only assume is an attempt to sway others' opinions. Ya know what? You posted it on the internet. Congratulations. You shared something that may or may not even be fact. People believe what they believe, your internet article or political picture is probably not going to change anyone's mind. Seriously, though. Why can't it go back to being a place to share humor and life events? When did it become a battleground? And why are we continuing to argue over the internet like cowards and children? 

We are never all going to agree on any one thing. There will always be people protesting this and that and yeah, it stinks. But the reality is that this world is imperfect and always will be. But we don't have to continue to tear each other down for sharing our opinions either. Posting political or religious things shouldn't even be a negative thing, but negative people have made it that way. These are the people who argue for argument's sake, who thrive on putting others down in order to make themselves feel smarter or more superior. These people seem to believe that their opinion is the only right one. If people would stop attacking other people for thinking a certain way, we would all be a lot happier. Religious people are torn apart for expressing their faith, get "yelled" at, laughed at, made fun of, called idiotic. This is sad. There are some Christians (or who claim to be) who are complete nutcases and make us all look bad *cough- Westboro Baptist Church -cough*. Those people are absolutely out of their minds. But because the media and internet put so much emphasis and focus on the bad examples of religious groups, people think that's what all of their members are like. Depressing, really. 

Ya know what word gets thrown around the internet that I loathe? Ignorant Sometimes I think people use that word and think it means something along the lines of idiotic. "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." (name that movie) More often than not, when people are called ignorant, they've simply expressed their opinion and then get called racist, discriminatory, prejudiced, biased, etc. They could be incredibly well-informed, know exactly what they're talking about, but the opposing side will still claim ignorance because it goes against what they believe and it's easy to pull that card. What if I told you that someone can disagree with you without being a complete moron. Yes, there are racists and bigots, a lot of them. But just because an individual doesn't like you as a person doesn't mean they hate your race, your gender, your sexuality, your religion, whatever. Bottom line: everyone needs to just calm down. 

I love the internet and I hate the internet. It's incredibly helpful in so many ways but I believe that it is destroying society. People don't talk face-to-face anymore. Heck, people don't even talk on the phone anymore. Everything is digital, everything is electronic, everything is lifeless. People are so obsessed with telling people what they think about certain things that they're not really living their lives. People can't even stay off of the internet for as long as a drive down the street. Stop texting and driving, people. I mean seriously. There is nothing so important that it can't wait a few more minutes. It makes everyone nervous. You can live in reality for just a little bit and actually talk to someone and focus on real life. Now more than ever, I feel that we are failing. We are destroying ourselves from the inside out. And I fear that my children will have to live in a world full of nonsensical hate. And they will be living in a world where iPads, TVs, electronics in general will be raising kids. A world where an 8 year old gets an iPhone. Not my kids! I mean, seriously. Be a kid for as long as you can! Play! Step away from that screen! 

Just because everyone else is doing it doesn't mean you have to join. Be you, express yourself, but do it in a civil manner. Be positive. Don't perpetuate the stereotypes, the unsolicited hatred, the obnoxiousness, just live your life without doing harm to others. Have an opinion, but don't shove it in others' faces and down their throats. Nine times out of ten, yelling and forcefulness really just make you seem uneducated and uninformed. When you speak calmly, you sound more intellegent and people tend to listen more attentively. Be nice, be happy, be a good citizen, be a good person. Do what you can to spread positivity and laughter. I have a voice. I have an opinion, many in fact, but I choose not to force-feed them to other people. If someone asks me what I think, I'll answer. I guess I'm just a private person and I honestly don't want people to base their impression of me on what I believe religiously, politically, whatever. I want to make an impression based on my personality and actions. But maybe this is just me. I just want people to focus less on the bad and more on the good. There's still plenty of it out there, folks. Just keep looking for it and you'll see. Better yet, create it. 

Back To Work

So, as I was running this morning, I kept thinking to myself "self, why is it so much harder today? Why is this such a struggle?" I was so sure that I wasn't going to have the results that I was hoping for (my goal is to burn at least 600 calories every day). But when I was nearing the end, I looked at the stats and saw that I had done the same as that incredible run on Friday. Another 5.3 mile run and 702 calories burned. Even when I think I'm not doing as well, I end up doing more than I expect. Yesterday, I did 5 miles and burned 620 calories. I should have just finished it out to 700, but after 2 days off, I just could not push any further. I made up for today even though I was huffy, out of breath, a little ashmatic, hungry, hot, everything to qualify me to drive the struggle bus, but I pushed harder than I expected to and that feels better than the actual weight-loss.

THEN I was driving back to the house and decided to go ahead and park the car right out front of the school to pick Isa up at 12:30 rather than leave super early to get a close spot. I then walked back to the house, ate my lunch, cooled off, rehydrated, and just relaxed. Then I walked back to the school to get her and we drove back. I really liked this arrangement a lot not only because we got to leave so quickly with the car right there, but also because I was able to burn another 60 calories (from the car and back) to add to the day's results. 760 calories burned. That's crazy! I could probably stand to eat even more today, but I'm trying to test how this affects my body. I'll wait until tomorrow to weigh and see what happened. If nothing changes, I'll most likely add a few hundred calories to my daily meal plan. If there is some loss, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. Trial and error, guys, trial and error. You gotta figure out what works for you and your body. Use me as an example if you choose, but you have to figure out what you need to do for you! 

Not only did I get to do this awesome workout today, but it was after an amazingly rest-filled and relaxed weekend, one that I definitely needed. I was off-duty around 5:45 on Friday, so I went to John's with a home-made pasta dish in tow. It was delicious! It was Skinny Mac and Alfredo and you can find the recipe right here. The only addition I made was some chicken. You don't have to do that, but since we were eating it as the main entree, I added it to make it seem less like a side item. Seriously, guys. It was really, really good. If you follow the recipe, it's only 253 calories per 6 servings (that's a really big serving, by the way), but with about 4 ounces of chicken breast added, it's around 300-320 per 6 servings. It's a really good meal! We did a good bit of walking that night and that was after my amazing run that day, so I seriously probably ended up burning around 1,000 calories that day...whew!

On Saturday, I got to sleep in and it was spectac. Did some more walking after brunch, and even more rest. Sunday, we decided to go into the SF for lunch, so we walked to the BART station, rode the rain into the city, walked to the North Beach neighborhood (basically Little Italy), ate at a really cool place that had giant opened windows all along the street side, so it was like eating outside without the traffic of the people on the sidewalk. After lunch, we walked across the street to a place that sold gelato and lemme tell ya, it was worth the cheat. I had the smallest size, which was literally one single scoop, but that one single scoop was absolutely ah-mazing. I had the chocolate hazelnut and I savored every single mouthful of it. I didn't feel bad at all about splurging after all of the exercise from the previous days on top of the walk there and the walk we would be doing on the way back. After leaving heaven, I mean the gelato place, we just kinda wandered around, walked all the way through Chinatown, and then made our way back to Oakland. We decided we didn't wanna go back out for dinner, so we went to the grocery store and got spaghetti supplies. I made our dinner and then we relaxed and watched a movie. Always a good time in Oakland.

I was off on yesterday, so after sleeping in, I headed to Pleasant Hill to do some "idea shopping'. I don't get paid again until Friday, so I decided to just look around and see what else I want to get for/do to my new room. I did get some good ideas and I'm looking forward to finishing out my planning! After I came back home, I had dinner, relaxed for a while and then went for my run. Like I said, my body had some trouble after time off, but I did get to that 5 mile point and burned a lot, so it was definitely not a wasted effort. I slept really well last night, too. Like, really well. I feel asleep around 11:15 and didn't wake up one time until around 6:15 this morning. That's a really big chunk of time for me! I usually wake up at least one time before then. Of course, I'm tired all over again now, but that just means I'll sleep like baby again tonight! It's the little things. Even though for me, that's not little at all. I can't say it enough, being active is the miracle drug- the only miracle drug. My skin hasn't been this clear in a while, I'm sleeping amazingly, and my mood/energy is up! Not happy? Always feeling down? Exercise. Just walk 30 minutes a day and you'll see and feel the difference. But of course, pairing it with healthy eating is just going to intensify it. Not to sound like Nike, but just do it!

Oh, and did I mention that I'm going to have a four day weekend starting at around 5pm on Thursday? Yep, 5pm Thursday-5pm Monday OFF!!! Two unexpected on-call days for Adele means unexpected awesome for me!

You Cannot Dream Yourself Into A Character

Guys, I ran 5.3 miles in 1:09:40 burning 702 calories....When I told my mom, she called me a beast and that's exactly what I feel like! I don't know what came over me to work that hard, but something in the back of my mind told me to push. Instead of jogging for the entire route like I used to do months ago, over the past couple of weeks, I've switched to more of the HIIT (high intensity interval training) technique, which means that I walk for about 45 seconds, run hard for about 30 seconds, walk again, run, walk, run, you get the picture. And it is obviously quite effective. When I pace myself and jog for long distances, I think my body gets bored and doesn't burn as much because it isn't work quite as hard. With the intense intervals, my body is working hard, calming down, and then working hard all over again. It's tough, it keeps me out of breath, and it makes me feel stronger. I'm damn proud of myself.

Since I had such a great run, I'll skip the extra workout today. I think 3 times a week is good enough for that. I'm sleepy today, but my energy is way up because of that run! I love this feeling. I love feeling that I accomplished something. I love the feeling of knowing that I can do even better than I did before, that I can be better than myself. I don't compete with anyone but Rachel because I'm the only person who can bring me down or make me better. Days like this are not always going to happen, but I can keep working hard to try to outdo myself or at the very least, keep up with myself. 

"You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge youself into one." -Thoreau
Ain't that the truth. By besting myself, I'm getting closer to becoming the person I aim to be. I'm not a lazy, unmotivated, self-loathing person who just hopes that things will happen anymore. I've turned into the kind of person who makes things happen for herself and doesn't wait around for things to fall into place. I've grown up enough to realize that things don't just occur or happen to you, you have to work hard to receive and acheive what you want. I didn't get this far by sitting around looking at workout plans with pictures of skinny girls on Pinterest and wishing I could do and be that. I got up, put the fork down, and started working. No one told me to, no one made me, I just realized that I had to change the path that I was on. 

When I fell off track a few months ago, I wasn't one hundred percent sure that I could get back on, but then, with the right mindset, I just did it. I didn't wait around for someone to tell me that I needed to. I made the conscious decision to not give up on myself and to get everything back on track again. That's work. Hard work. Mindset is hard work and it is something that you have to control yourself. It's something that you have to concentrate on and really work at. This is not a piece of cake (mmm cake...wait). If you want to be a better version of yourself, you have to put in the effort. You have to make yourself become that person, whether it's losing weight, getting healthy, letting go of anger, learning to become more malleable and more laid back, becoming a harder worker, anything. Whoever it is that you want to be, you and only you have to decide on your own that you're going to do it. It does help to have an accountability partner in many of these endeavors, but you are the one who must to change and change the way you think. And don't you dare half-ass it, either. If you decide you're going to do something, do it. Don't overthink, just do. Commit and work. 

Anyway, I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend and make good decisions! I, for one, know that I'm going to be spending much of my weekend sleeping in, resting, and doing a whole lotta nothin'! I'll get back to running Monday evening, but until then, these muscles deserve a break! And now, let the resting begin :)

"Effort is only effort when it begins to hurt."

I am so sore...Tuesday, I wasn't able to get out and run so I did this ten minute workout that I found online: 50 jumping jacks, 15 squats, 15 push ups, 15 reverse lunges on each side, 15 dips done, a full set is all of this done three times. On top of that, I did my usual 300 crunches....Oh. my. Gosh. That was quite a workout. But I had to do something. It works your entire body, like, no muscle goes unflexed. Yesterday, since the kids are back in school (happy dance), I went out around 10 and did a four mile run. Because I was so sore, it was a struggle, but I burned 500 calories so I'd definitely say that it was worth it. I decided that doing at least 2 sets of that workout would be good for me, not only because I did less running, but also to keep my muscles working and burn a few more calories. Added up, I burned around 600 yesterday; the equivalent of a 5 mile run. I feel good about that. I'm really glad that I did as much as I did yesterday because we ended up going out for dinner to celebrate the first day of school. I made wise choices and enjoyed some super yummy shrimp, broccoli, and a salad. Good day :)

I'm still 10 pounds down and working hard to keep going, but it's a little disappointing that I haven't lost more yet. However, I can see a difference, especially in my tummy. I'm not feeling bloated and not feeling like it's sticking out and I just feel light. I can see some difference in my face, as well. I'm trying to follow MamaLaughlin's advice for not relying so much on the scale and that number. She has stopped weighing herself, heck, she's even gotten rid of her scale and is just judging her progress on how well her clothes fit and how she looks and feels about herself. I'm starting to realize that it's a good way to go. Yes, I still have a goal weight, but more importantly, I'm working toward that goal size. I'm still in an eight and the ultimate goal is to fit comfortably in a 6. Not sqeezed into a 6, but in a comfortable fit. I'll admit that it's really hard not to focus on the number on the scale, but I'm trying to let go of that at least a little bit. And ya know what? My clothes do fit better and I feel better in them. After all of these workouts and such, I know that I'm gaining muscle mass. I'm eating right, not cheating (too much), and I'm exercising my butt off (literally), so I know that I'm losing more than the scale would suggest. Darn that scale. Darn those numbers!

So, let's go back to the kids being in school. WOOOOOO! It's just that I'm the kind of person who absolutely must have alone time. I love hanging out with them, but I have to be by myself for a little while each day. For the entire Summer, that only happened at night before bedtime, but now I have the entire first half of the day to myself. *sigh* Their school kind of eases kids into kindergarten and that means that for the first month, Isa is only in school until 12:35, and then 1:30 for the rest of the year. I've never heard of a school doing this, and I gotta say that I'm not sure that I agree with it.....They're going to have to go full days eventually, just do it from the beginning to get them used to it! I know a lot of preschools do it, but I'd never heard of Kindergarten doing it...Oh well. I still have the mornings to be alone and get everything done that needs to be done :) 

I completed another 4 mile run today and burned 515 calories, 15 more than yesterday and I shaved off 6 minutes for the same distance. As tired and sore as I am, I can feel my legs getting stronger with the running and these workouts I've added. I had actually been looking for a good way to work my arms out and other areas of and this one is doing the job, I think. But for real, I'm tired....Adele has been on call this week, therefore I have had to work longer hours and was technically on duty over night on Tuesday. I'm not a fan of when she's on call because the kids miss her and I do work those longer hours, but I also love it because she always gives me an extra day added to my weekend to make up for it. Having Friday night, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off will really help me make up some rest for all of this work.

Adele also said that she'll actually be receiving the keys to the new house tomorrow which means we'll start moving pretty soon! I've got all of my decor ready for my new bathroom and even made a few changes/additions for my bedroom. I will of course post pictures when everything is ready. There are just lots of good things happening for me right now, y'all. And it's already feeling like Fall here! It's still pretty warm in the late afternoons, but up until about noon it's cooler and then from about 5-6, it's cool again for the rest of the day/night. I'm willing it to be Fall by wearing Fall clothes. It's my favorite season, my favorite wardrobe, favorite food (time to pumpkin spice all the things), just favorite everything. Yay FALL!!! I just hate that'll I'll miss it in Alabama, especially in Jacksonville. It is so incredibly beautiful in the area of the South. But hey who knows, maybe I will end up seeing some of it after all ;)

Naturally.

I had my best workout yet last night! 5.02 miles, 1 hour and 8 minutes, 635 calories burned!I shaved off about 7 minutes and burned about 20 more calories than my previous best, therefore, I did work. I love running in the evenings, but I'm looking forward to, starting tomorrow, running in mid-morning daily. I'm thinking around 10 will be my best bet. Yesterday, I had it in my mind that I was only going to do about 4 miles and call it a day, but something happens when I'm out there and I get going. The days that I decide to do less usually end up being the days I do my best. "Well, I've already done all of this, might as well go ahead and finish it out" is what happens. Adele is on call this evening, so there's a good chance that I won't get to go do my full run. I can't leave when she's on call in case she does get called back in, so if that happens, I'll walk around the neighborhood instead. Something's better than nothing! 

When I don't overthink, I do my best work. I've always had a tendency to worry, let anxiety take over, and just think too much. When I just do, I get it done. My motivation is just to continue on this path to become as healthy as possible. I'm currently working on cutting out more artificial sweeteners, namely Aspartame. Let's look at Aspartame for a second: 40% of it's contents is aspartic acid. ACID. It slowly eats away at you. It has also been known to cause detrimental effects to the nervous system, can cause seizures, fatigue (blocks glucose entry into the brain), headaches, abdominal pains, anxiety, depression, vision problems, sleeping problems, memory loss, etc...It literally slowly poisons you. I'm replacing anything that contains it with similar products that are sweetened either with sucralose or with stevia. Sucralose, is similarly made in a lab rather than naturally, but it's not quite as bad as aspartame. It doesn't cause the harmful side effects that the A word does. Stevia is natural and is basically the best choice, in my opinion, for sugar substitute. Wow, I miss real sugar...

If I have a choice between diet drinks containing aspartame or just drinking water, I'll go with water. I'm still not willing to waste calories on drinks. I'm just trying to lose weight and be healthy without causing further harm to my body. I'm so used to putting Equal in my coffee, tea, oatmeal, everything. But now, I'm using Stevia and ya know what? It's sweeter which means I don't have to use so much at a time. That's definitely a point in the pro column. The problem is, we have an entire unopened box of Equal in our pantry. I feel bad not using it, but I gotta stop! No more diet sodas. I'll miss you, Coke Zero :/ The good news is that more and more products out there are replacing the A word with the better stuff. For example, the yogurt that I eat every day for breakfast, put in smoothies, and use in various recipes has taken the A word out and put sucralose in! Thanks Dannon!

Ya see guys, it's not just about the calories, it's about eating the right things for your body, as well. Yes, I still focus on calories, but now I'm focusing now more than ever the quality of my calories. Almost all of the food that I eat every single day is organic. I feel better about consuming natural products knowing that there aren't so many preservatives and dangerious chemicals. Almost all food has some sort of chemical in it, whether you know or not, whether it's listed or not, so just focus on eating fresh and clean. The only way to know exactly what's in the food you're eating is by growing the darn stuff yourself! And as we all know, ain't nobody got time fa dat! Just eat the good stuff, y'all. I'm not saying go full on Paleo because, honestly, I find the idea of trying to eat an entirely Paleo, clean, chemical-free diet completely unrealistic. There's only so far you can go and only so much you can do....Just sayin'. 

Like I've always said to you, cook. Prepare your own food, cook your own meals, just do as much for yourself as you can. Of course eating at restaurants is a great thing 'cause, let's face it, it's so much more fun to have someone else cook for you. I'm just sayin' that it's easier to gauge what you're doing when you just do it yourself. Maybe that's just the "if you want something done right, do it yourself" mentality that I have, but I think I've had so much success thus far because I'm in control of what I'm doing. If you take control of your eating, you can be successful, healthy, and happy, too! Happy eating, y'all!

School's Back!

I did another 5 miler yesterday evening on top of some other activity, so in all, I burned around 700 calories hroughout the day. Unfortunately, I did all of that mainly in order to combat what I ate over the weekend...I definitely was not as disciplined as I normally am, so I felt the need to do extra to balance it all out. I'm hoping to do another 5 miles this evening after I'm off work, but this time after a day of healthy eating. Today and tomorrow are the last two days of Summer vacation for this house and I am excited. I just want to have some time to myself again! The biggest reason is that I'll be able to get my runs done during the day again and not have to worry about whether or not I'll get to do it at all! Thursday night, I was unable to get to the park to do my usual, so I did a two mile walk through the neighborhood. Yes, it's better than nothing, but I just don't get as much done. I'm happy to be able to get stuff done and what I need to do during the day again. 

So, Adele closes on the new house on the 26th and we'll begin the moving process shortly after. It just can't get here fast enough! I'm so ready for it. The longer we're in this house, the more I'm ready to get out of it. I don't get much privacy here and it's starting to weigh on me. Even if I'm off and don't have to be up early, it's almost impossible to sleep in if the kids are here because they wake up so early on their own. In the new house, I'll be so separate from the rest of the house that this won't matter as much anymore. Did I mention that I'm ready to have my own bathroom? 'Cause I am....I'm looking forward to decorating it and the fact that it will always be clean...Things will be where I leave them. My towels won't go missing. No more toys falling all over the place. Just....yes.

I was in a grumpy mood yesterday and the only explanation I can come up with is that it was a result of way I ate for the majority of the weekend. I didn't really eat an excessive amount of junk, but I definitely didn't eat the right way. When I have too much sugar or too many greasy items, I feel myself fall down a few rungs on the mood ladder. I hate that I know that about myself, yet I still let it happen sometimes. It's SO not worth it, but I felt much better after my run last night. Exercise is a miracle drug. That's a fact. It fixes almost everything. If I don't get to do it, I feel myself slip again. Getting out of the habit, even if for just a couple of days, affects everything. I'm so excited about not having to worry about whether or not I'll get to have a real workout. I'm excited about the "me" time during the day and the free time to run my own errands and of course now I'll have free time to get this upcoming school work done!

Speaking of school, I'm starting that class on September 3! As far as I know, everything is in order and ready for me to begin this online class. I gotta say, I'm proud of myself for finally making this happen again. As much as I hate school and wish I didn't feel the need to do it, I'm proud to know that I made this happen on my own, that I'm doing something to better my chances at a substantial living. I know that having a degree doesn't guarantee anything these days, but it does raise my probability for a comfortable life. I wish that I was already done with all of it and doing what I want to do, but this is right and happening at the right time. You can't live your life in wishes and hopes. You have to make things happen for yourself. If you wait around for good things to happen, you may be waiting your life away. To guarantee yourself of good things, you have to make sure you're doing everything that you can to ensure it. Everything else will fall into place.

At this point in my life, I feel thirsty for knowledge which is something that I haven't felt in a really long time! I want to learn and absorb more in whatever way that I can. I'm excited to take this class not only to get back into the school mindset, but also to just actually learn again. I've been learning many lessons in life experience over the past couple of years, but I'm ready to take in more book knowledge and gain the neccessary career tools. I know, you're thinking "who the heck wrote this?" But I promise that I'm being sincere about this. I'm ready for this new experience and for furthering my personal growth! I believe that education, any education, helps shape a person into the person he or she wants to be and I'm ready to keep growing and adapting :)

"Bouquets Of Sharpened Pencils"

I'm registered for a class! One of the introduction classes to Library Science. I can only afford one right now because, even though Adele offered to help pay for school, it's just too short notice to ask her for any kind of large sum of money. So, I'm just going to pay for this one myself. It's an online class and only lasts from September 3 through October 27, so it won't be too time consuming or interrupt my daily schedules. I'm still not completely certain of how sure it is that everything is worked out and such, but if everything goes through, I'll be back in school in just a couple of weeks! I'm so excited. Like, way more excited than I thought I would be. I hate school, I always have, but I'm so ready this time. 

I'm formulating some big plans for myself and I'm going to do everything that I can in order to see them followed through! I do eventually want to get a Bachelors and maybe eventually a Masters. Where? I'm not entirely sure yet. There honestly aren't many options in California for degrees in Library Science, so I may be finding myself somewhere closer to home eventually ;) This Associates degree only requires 19 credits, so I can knock it out in a few semesters depending on how many classes I can take at a time. I was growing so tired of not having a clear picture in my head of what I want to do for the rest of my life, but now I feel that I am a little more secure in my plans. 

I'm so ready for Fall! I love Fall, it's my favorite season *sigh*. I just hate that I'll miss Fall in the South. This will be my first Fall out here and I don't know what to expect...I know that it will be much colder judging by how chilly it already is pretty much all the time. I just know that it won't be as beautiful as it is in Alabama. I know the leaves won't turn the same way, the smells won't be the same, but I'm sure it will be beautiful nonetheless. I'm still adapting and changing in accordance with the weather here and what clothing I wear, but I think being back in school will make Fall even better for me this year. It makes me want to go shopping for school supplies and new Fall clothes! But I'm poor, so I'll hold off on that. I just wanna stock up on sweaters, boots, scarves, paper, notebooks, binders, and bouquets of sharpened pencils (if you know where the "bouquet" reference is from, you win). Did I mention that I love Fall? 

There really wasn't much point to this post, I just felt like sharing the news of my return to school! I'm excited to have finally figured things out and about getting started again. I miss taking notes and just learning new things in general. If I didn't write in a journal regularly, I think I might have forgotten how to write all together. It's been so long since I've had to do anything like it, so I'm glad that I kept it up! haha :) As things unfold and develop, I'll keep you in the loop. I feel so all over the place emotionally and mentally, but I'm trying my best to keep myself grounded and in a realistic state of mind. Thanks for sticking with me through all of my changes and developments, guys!

This Is Just A Chapter

I'm back! I didn't intend to not write while I was at home, but I was really busy for the entirety of the whole trip...but in the best way possible. I'm an aunt! Carter Duncan LaFollette was born early Tuesday morning, July 30. Yes, the day that I was to travel home...I knew he wouldn't wait for me...But it worked out for the best because I got to spend more time with him and also because my mom took a week off from work starting the day he'd be born, so I got the whole first week with mom and dad both at home with me. Quite a bonus. I did a lot while I was home and saw a lot of people, but it went by way too quickly. Like, waaayyyy too quickly. Now that I'm back, it feels as though I was never even gone...and that doesn't feel good. Is it December yet? 

First and foremost, the birth of Carter and getting to hold that precious kid was the highlight of the trip. He's perfect in every way and just could not be any more beautiful. He has my brother's nose and ears, but that child looks just like his mommy. They're both beautiful, so it really didn't matter who he'd end up resembling. I wish so badly that I could have spent even more time with him, but I'm grateful for all that I did get! Also because of his arrival, I was able to see grandparents without all of the traveling. I was happy to not have to spend too much time in a car when I only had so much time with everyone at home. 

The second most important thing was all of the eating...I was able to eat at all of my favorite restaurants and even tried a couple of new ones. I'm proud of myself and my control because I could have easily treated the trip like a vacation and gone crazy, but I didn't. Of course I splurged and ate my favorite dishes at said restaurants, but I was mindful of my choices and portions. I weighed myself this morning and I was quite happy to find that I only gained about a pound. Breaking even was the initial goal, but this minimal damage makes it much easier for me to get back on track. I did run while I was home for the first week, but it was not easy...I had forgotten just how humid it is down there...The first night that I went out there, it was about 9:45 and I came back in completely drenched in sweat. It was as if I had run through sprinklers the whole time. I don't sweat that much running at 2pm in direct sunlight here in Benicia...I spent the whole first mile just attempting to establish a good breathing pattern...

I didn't do as much the second week only because I simply did not have the time. I did more running around, painting furniture, staying with my sister, and just doing more. I did walk a fair bit, but I controlled my eating. I wish so much that I could have stayed in Birmingham for longer, but I am so grateful for what I did have. Now that I'm back, it's back to work, back to eating right, back to running daily, and just getting back into my routine. But I didn't waste much time getting back into the city. I had Monday off, so John and I went into San Francisco and found our way to this Mosaic staircase on the North end side of the city that's pretty close to the Pacific. It was absolutely beautiful. We walked to the top and found another set of stairs that took us even higher. Then, to our surprise, there was another set that went to the top of this hill. And my calves are still on fire....They were complete jell-o for the rest of the day, but the view at the top was pretty amazing. Worth the hike. And, hey, I burned some of that brunch off...

The kids start school on the 21st (next Wednesday), thank the Lord. Not that I don't love them, but I am ready for them to not be in this house all day, every single day...Also, now that Isa will be in kindergarten, I'll be taking them to the same school. No more dropping one off and then driving another 15 minutes to another school and then driving 15 minutes back. Both home at the same time, both on the same schedule, just yes. So much easier. I'm also actually trying pretty hard to get back into some classes myself this semester. There's a community college close by that offers some short-term classes that don't start right away and fall into my daily time frame, so I'm hoping to get into at least one or two. Another thing: I've decided that rather than journalism, I'm going to obtain a degree in library sciences instead. I know, you're thinking "what the heck do you do with that?" Well, the answer to that is that I'll work in a library. AKA Librarian. May sound boring to you, but I love books. I love handling books, smelling books, reading books, just everything about them. I don't know why it took me this long to realize that this was an option, but I wanna do it. So, there's that. 

I know a lot of you probably think that I change my mind a lot and you would be right about that. It has taken me quite a while to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life, but it's better to take my time to really figure it out rather than waste my time and money on other things. I strongly believe from my own experiences that not everyone is meant for school or just not meant to go to school directly out of high school. If I had considered doing something else for a year an option, I would have taken it immediately. Yes, I loved marching in Southerners. Yes, I am still super close with several people that I met at that school and I did learn a good bit in my English classes. But I was a complete failure at being a student during that time in my life. Another question you may have: "What's different about it this time?" The answer to that is that I am more mature, more prepared, and more ready over-all for this experience. I'm just ready.

I also don't look at it as an option this time. I'm going to be receiving help from Adele in paying for it this time around which means it's not my money to waste. I have to do my best and try harder because I have no choice. Either I do it right or I don't do it at all. But I feel that I have to do it. Yes, more and more careers are based on experience over degree these days, but there are still many fields in which you are guaranteed higher salary and better benefits with a degree plus experience. It's not gonna be easy, it's not always gonna be fun, but it's something that I have to do for myself! I'm also tired of people asking me about school. I wish people understood how embarrassing it is to have to answer questions about dropping out of school. It's embarrassing to tell people that I attended college for 4 years, but left with no degree. That I lived at home for 2 years and worked at a golf course and as a nanny while others my age were already graduated and starting their careers, not just jobs. I wish people who'd never been through that knew what it felt like to face friends and family when you're ashamed of yourself for not succeeding.

I know that it's something that a lot of people do, especially right now with my generation, but it's still hard to explain to people what happened. I honestly think that's why I took this job out here. Of course I wanted to gain new experiences and see another part of the country, but I think in the back of my mind it was just a way to escape. It was in the back of mind, but I didn't realize that it was actually why I did it. Everyone says I was so brave to do something so radical, but in truth, I ran away. I'm doing exactly what I did before I left: I'm still a nanny. I'm just doing it on the opposite coast. I'm still not certified for anything, no degree, no career options, no experience in any real field, I'm just doing it somewhere different. That's the only thing that makes it seem "cool" or "different". What I do is important to Adele and the kids and I do matter, but I know that I'm not going to be a nanny forever. I'm not going to live in California forever. I know for a fact that this is not my forever home. I do enjoy living here and doing something so awesome, but going back home made me realize how much I really do love the South, how much I love that part of the country and its way of life, and especially how much I love and miss my family. Honestly, if certain things hadn't happened, I would probably finish out this school year with the kids and move back to Alabama. But for now, I'll continue with this new school plan for myself. 

I didn't mean for this post to get so serious, but sometimes my mind just kinda runs away from me! These are just things I've been thinking about lately and felt like getting out in the open. It feels good, y'all! A lot of people think that their life begins when they start their career and such, but I can't think that way, not when I'm living in such an adventure already! I'm living a pretty awesome life, so putting off and waiting for my "real life" to start would be avoiding realityand doing a disservice to myself. This is my life, but it's just a chapter. There's still so much more!!!