Still Searching for Opportunity

This new job is wearing me out, but in a great way! I'm loving working in the city, loving getting to explore and hang out with this kid, and actually being able to get outside and do stuff rather than being stuck inside somewhere. We walk around a lot and play, take the dog for walks, and I'm BARTing several times a week which involves about a mile walk from the station to the apartment. I'm getting the same kind of exhaustion I experience from running everyday and that is fantastic! I still feel like I'm not doing enough in order to further my weight loss progress, however. I'm having a hard time controlling my eating as well since every day is different and I'm unable to really fall into a routine. It's kind of turned into just eat what you can when you can. I'm trying, though!

Last week was pretty stressful with figuring everything out with the job such as them moving from one apartment to another, train departure times, when to leave my house, where to park on days I have to get him from preschool, dealing with the dog while he adjusts to the new apartment, etc. But now everything is running pretty smoothly and I'm feeling much better about it all...Now if only I had money...We agreed upon a bi-weekly payment, so I don't get my first paycheck until the end of this week. I'm not gonna lie, I'm almost completely broke. BUT I just have to hold out for a few more days. I have enough gas for the rest of the week and some cash for BART, but I hate the feeling of not having enough money. I haven't been this broke since I was in school. Ugh. Just. a few. more. days. I can do it! 

I'm not sure why it's taken me this long, but I finally feel like I live here. Not in the "I'm just staying here for a little while for the experience" kind of way, but in the "I have a house and a roommate and a boyfriend and friends and job in the city" kind of way. The recent changes I experienced have made my life here feel more permanent. And because I'm actually genuinely happy here now, I miss home a little less. Oh, trust, I still miss home more than I ever thought possible, but it's not in a depressing "I want to move back home" kind of way. 'Cause honestly, I had considered it for a little while. Even before I moved out of Benicia and switched jobs. But I'm proud of myself and maybe even a little impressed with myself for sticking out those emotions and thoughts and actually not quitting something like I have so many times in the past. Huh, I really have changed.

So, a lot of you may know that I auditioned for the role of Eponine in a local production of 'Les Mis' and I even got a call back! But unfortunately I did not get the part. Super sad face. I was offered a spot in the featured women's ensemble, but I'm not sure if I'm going to do it. The rehearsal schedule and such is super time consuming and would take a lot of commuting. Now, for a starring role, my dream role, I would have made it work no matter what, but I'm not sure that I want to put myself through it.... I'm a lot more disappointed about not getting the role than I thought I would be, but hey, I got a call back for a production that had over 400 people audition for with only 7 other girls called back for that particular role. I'm pretty impressed with myself. I don't want to give up on this dream, but it sure is discouraging when stuff like this happens.... It will be my time someday, but until then, I'll just have to keep trying and putting myself out there. 

I truly, honestly feel like performing is what I'm supposed to be doing which may be the subconscious reason for why I'm putting off school and getting a 
real job. I don't want to do anything else. I want to sing for a living in some facet, preferably in theater, and I feel like I'm good enough. I'm not trying to sound cocky, I'm just going on what I've been told :) I'm confident in myself in some ways, but none more than in my ability to sing. No matter how heavy or big I was or how down I was emotionally, singing has never been something that I've questioned about myself. I've always jumped at every chance to perform, any chance to share my gift, any chance to exercise my creativity. I've always felt happiest while performing. That's still something that's always been kind of baffling about my personality...For someone with social anxiety issues, who never liked having too much attention drawn to herself, I love being in the spotlight for something I know that I'm good at. Same with colorguard, I loved spinning and performing those shows because I knew I was good at it and felt confident in my ability. If I could just find a way to do something creative with my gift, I would be the happiest person on Earth. But rejection is just a part of this business and I have to toughen up! 

I feel like there are many reasons that I moved out here, but this could very well be the main one. Nothing was going to happen for me in Alabama, so moving to a place like this, with so much more opportunity, has to get me closer to my dream, right? I'm just going to keep my eyes open, look for more chances, and keep fighting until something happens for me. That's all I can do! I can't sit back and wait for something to come to me, I have to keep looking and working to get what I want, just like how I found my way out of Birmingham. This is true with pretty much everything in life, you have to work hard for what you want, no matter what it is. I wish it would just fall in my lap, but where's the fun in that? ;)