"I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”

Ok. Let's talk about the soap opera that has been my life for the past 2 weeks…..I'll start from the beginning. A few weeks ago, I was beginning to look around on Care.com for a new nanny position because truth is, I was no longer happy with my living arrangements. I felt that I had no freedom, not enough privacy, wasn't really able to leave during the week, couldn't plan an independent life outside of work because the hours were so erratic, and I just knew that I was becoming burned out and exhausted of the whole situation. So, I began the search to make a change for January and it wasn't long until I had secured a job for a precious young family living in Mill Valley. I interviewed for Sarah on a Sunday, was offered the job that Thursday, accepted the next day, and was babysitting for them by that Saturday. It was a whirlwind process, but a very positive one. I began searching for a place to live, obviously, but no one wanted to wait for a new roommate for the new year, everyone seemed to need someone right-stat-now. 

So, I informed Adele of what was going on and she agreed that it was time for everyone to move, which was a huge relief! However, she decided that she would rather have someone new and in place before the holidays and a new school semester in order to have said person acclimated and prepared. Totally understandable. But then things got cold. I will not go into too much detail or bash anyone on a public forum because I'm not trashy. I will just say that I was uncomfortable living there that I knew that I needed to get out of there as soon as I possibly could. I had been working diligently all day and night trying to find a place to live and some part-time/temporary work. I cannot begin to express to you fully how stressed and freaked out I was. I knew I needed out, but I didn't know where I was going to go! But then, after talking to Sarah about my situation, we agreed that some part-time work with the family now would benefit everyone in the long run anyway! That was one relief. 

I had found this house that was pretty affordable and in a not-too-bad location in relation to work, went to see it and meet the tenants on Monday night. By the grace of God, I had found the perfect place. Jariah, a 21-year-old nanny, new to the Bay area, is my new roommate and I could not be happier about it. She is so sweet, similar in personality, lifestyle, and tastes and the house is what I need right now. First of all, it's my own place in which I can live more comfortably and freely. I can now leave work and come home. No more living at work. That separation is the main thing I was looking for in all of this. My own independent life. Our landlord is still living there, but is moving to Hawaii at the end of the month, leaving just Jariah and myself in this awesome house. And when I say awesome, I mean awesome. We have a very large pool in the backyard AND a hot tub. No, I'm not making that up...Mina, the landlord, is just fantastic too. I explained my tight financial situation to her and she so graciously worked with me on payments and such and I could not be more grateful. 

I left Benicia on Wednesday and stayed at John's for the rest of the week. I cannot tell you how much better he made my life over the past 4 days. I was an emotional wreck, though I hid it well for the most part. I silently freaked out for an entire week and then everything came out when I called my parents on Monday night. I hadn't really spoken to anyone about just how crazy everything was so I explained everything to them. I wanted to wait until I had a more concrete plan so that they wouldn't be freaked out too. So, because I hadn't spoken about it, when I finally did I couldn't control my emotions anymore. I lost the control and cried harder than I had in months and it felt amazing. I was so focused on figuring everything out that I hadn't really stopped to think about what exactly was happening. My life was changing drastically and I wasn't really paying attention to the craziness, I think I was just focused on the logistics of the situation. That hour and a half conversation was my therapy.

When I got to John's, he assured me that we were going to have fun and not have to focus on what was happening, but while that was happening, everything fell into place. I had been applying to as many childcare jobs as possible to fill in the days (I'm only working with Sarah on Wednesdays and Thursdays until the end of the year), and all of a sudden, I got responses to like 5! As I'm typing this, I'm sitting in the apartment of my other part-time job: working for a single mother watching her 2.5 year old little boy while she works over night on Sunday nights and then while she sleeps for a little while on Monday. Then, I come back Monday night, stay over again and take him to preschool on Tuesday morning and then I'm done until the next Sunday. And I get $400/week for this. Yep. I was all freaked out because I had no clue how I was going to pay rent and still be able to live, but thanks to this woman and Sarah letting me help out during the week, I'm making rent in just one week of each month. Yep. I literally teared up when I realized how much better my situation had all of a sudden gotten in a matter of days. 

So, after the work situation became solid, I was able to officially accept the room and lease-agreement with Mina and Jariah. I moved in today and am already feeling 110% better than I did just yesterday. John did make my week a million times better with all of the fun stuff and relaxing we did, but of course I was still a little worried about everything. Now that I've moved in, started this job, and starting with Sarah on Thursday, I'm no longer scared or freaked out. I know that with the help of my amazing family, my awesome boyfriend (who put gas in my car without telling me :), and Him, I'm safe and secure. I have nothing to worry about and I'm happier and feel more free now than I have in months. I sincerely appreciate everyone's concern and curiosity about my situation and for sticking with me. I didn't want to update until I had a firm plan and an absolute update. I'm just. I'm still emotional. I'm still a little on-edge. But I'm better and I'm so proud of myself for figuring everything out on my own. When I spoke to my mom that night she was wondering why I was so freaked because she said it seemed like I had everything figured out, and looking back on it, she was right. I think the freak out just came from a place where I have a fear of the unknown, ya know? I don't like not being in control of my situation and this made me feel more out of control than ever. 

Like I said, I'm very proud and kind of surprised that I did all of this myself. I could have easily just packed up my car and driven back to Alabama. But then what? Go back to doing exactly what I was doing before? No. I don't want to go backwards, I want to continue to grow and become this strong independent person that I'm becoming. I'm enjoying seeing myself develop and grow. Also, no way I was just leaving John… ;) I'm proud of what I did and knowing that I had the choice to change my situation for the better. Too many people stick with a job they hate simply because of money and fear. I like to think that I was brave enough to change my path. Yeah, we'll go with that :)

"I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” -Eric Roth