Part I
Part II
Part III
Where was I? Oh yeah. So, I'd moved off to college and living on my own for the first time an hour and a half away from my parents. It was a new beginning of sorts and I took advantage of the fact that I could be different if I wanted to be. I'd auditioned for and become a part of a college marching band like no other. Joining The Southerners was the best decision I'd ever made and opened doors to so many friendships and opportunities. I was now exercising every single day and was feeling better about myself than ever before. When I say I was exercising, I mean I was rehearsing every day. Same thing. Trust me. Marching with this group was physically the most challenging activity I'd ever been a part of and as a result, I lost between 15-20 pounds. I know you're thinking "but don't people gain the freshman 15?" Not marching with Southerners, you don't. I was on top of the world. I was doing well in classes. I had many, many friends.
Every year in school was different for me. I lived in a different place, had different experiences with classes, but my eating habits did not change. I was over-eating, not exercising enough, and was down right lazy. My highest weight came in my last year at JSU. I had ballooned up to about 215 pounds and was miserable. I stayed there for over a year and despised looking in the mirror. After seeing pictures from Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2011, I knew it was time to make a change. At this point, I had already moved back home and was working. After participating as a bridesmaid in a high school friend's wedding that January, I decided it was time to make a change. I hated how I felt in that dress even though it was beautiful. I didn't feel beautiful and I didn't feel good about myself in any way.
I quit my job at the golf course due to slow business and began to look for another. I didn't realize it at the time, but not working was a complete blessing. I was able to focus on losing weight, exercising, eating right, without any distractions. I've mentioned before that 'click' that happens when you finally decide to change your lifestyle, but there's no way to really explain this phenomenon. When it happened for me, I charged at it head on with full force. I jumped into the lifestyle change with so much discipline and so much vigor that I couldn't even think about going back to that dark place. When I did finally get another job about 2 1/2 months later, I had already dropped about 30 pounds. I know, that's a lot in just a few months, but the bigger you are, the faster the first few pounds come off. With so much time to learn how to eat right and stay on track, I had no issue with continuing in my disciplined journey. I packed my own food and ate correctly during the first nanny job and I was so proud of myself for sticking to it. This doesn't mean that I wasn't still addicted to food.
All I could think about was the next time I'd get to eat. Even as I was eating a snack or meal, I was already focused on the next one, but I was able to control myself and wait. I was walking and running almost every day and this helped to push the weight loss even further. By about the end of June, I'd lost around 50 pounds and I could not have been more proud. By August, it was 60 pounds and then by October, 65. Since then, I've had an incredibly hard time disciplining myself and not giving in to the addiction. I've come to the conclusion that there really is no way to completely eliminate this addiction, but you do have the power to overcome it and control it. Everything I'm going through now with keeping myself on track is completely in my mind. I know that I can physically control myself, but mentally, I'm struggling. My addiction is something that I believe I will always live with, but I know that I'm stronger than it is.
Looking back on these posts, I can see how far I've come. I can see how much I've grown and learned over the years. I'm glad that I took the time to reflect on the 'why' part of my story because it's given me some perspective that I sorely needed. Remembering how I felt during those times of unhappiness just makes me see how much better off I am now and how much healthier I am. I can run without wanting to die, I can control how much and what I eat, and I can enjoy myself without deep-rooted misery. I hope that some of you were able to relate to my story and realize that you are not alone in your struggle. If I can do it, so can you. For reals. I am one of the most undisciplined people I know, so the fact that I could possibly overcome such things should give you hope for yourself and your journey. Thanks for sticking with me in this series of posts and I hope that you can see that you're never alone :)
OMG. I just read your whole series of these posts! Amazing how our stories were kind of similar in a way! Truly admire you for putting yourself out there like this! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks girl!
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