..make a brand new ending.

Update: I've lost 3 pounds since yesterday morning. I was right! This diet has shocked my system and in the best way. As much as I despise this thing, it's actually working this time. I'm hoping to lose the 5 remaining pounds of this recently gained weight by Wednesday morning (the day after I'm done with this). And, of course, I'll be keeping you up to date.

Other positive side effects of doing this:
1. I'm in a better mood already.
2. I fell asleep super early last night (about 9pm), and woke up at 8:30 this morning.
3. I feel lighter, more energized, and more awake.

This is all after just a day and a half of the diet. I could have waited until tomorrow to get my jump start going, but I'm so glad that I didn't. Now I feel that I can welcome the new year in a much more positive spirit. I didn't want to feel down and exhausted, I want to feel happy and excited to cross into the new year! Now that I'm doing the right thing again, I feel much more ready to welcome 2013 as a year of continuing accomplishment.

I'm not sure why, but I feel that the new year will be a good one. I don't know how it could get much better than this one, but I'm welcoming more change because it's inevitable. No matter what, I will continue to become more myself, and I will accept new circumstances and experiences with open arms. On this last day of 2012, I'm waving goodbye to the past and looking forward. I'm leaving this year behind, I'm leaving old Rachel back there for good, and I'm not going to let her show her face again.

I sincerely hope that all of you are ready to leave 2012 behind and embrace the future, as well. You've done what you could and now you can move on. Don't be afraid to move forward with me. Don't be afraid to admit it to yourself if you're unsatisfied or unhappy with your life. Don't be afraid to make the changes, big or small, in order to live the life that you want to live.

"Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." -Carl Bard

Reality Check

I know I said that on Tuesday I would be getting back to it, but I decided not to wait. Today, I started the 3-day diet thing that I did a while back. I figured it was worth another shot just to get me back into eating smaller portions again. I also think my body will respond in a more positive manner this time around because I've been eating so poorly for so long now that it will send a bit of a shock to my system and help me to lose weight. I hate this diet, but I have to do it. I'm using it as a means to turn away bad food. It's helping me re-train my mind into saying "no". Too often have I just eaten whatever is available to me in the past few weeks. Not good.

Reality Check: I've gained back about 8 pounds. 
Slap. in. the. face.

I know that others probably can't see what I see because I look at myself in micro-detail, but I feel that it's visible. I feel that I can see the pounds affecting the way I look. I honestly don't know if others can tell, but I can and that's not OK. I'm hoping that since my system will be "shocked", this diet will at least help me lose what I gained back. Seriously, I'm kicking it back into high gear. I'm going back to the beginning, dropping my daily calorie intake, eating super healthy things, and exercising. I may be going back to ground zero, but I know what I have to do and I know how to do it. 

Because of what I've been eating, I feel terrible. I'm tired, I'm cranky, I'm always hungry...
Old Rachel has resurfaced and I'm doing my best to suppress her again. This is the way that I felt all of the time before I made the change. How did I live like this?! It is so NOT worth it. I hate the way that I feel. I hate the way that I think I look. I'm NOT doing this again. I've now been reminded of why I decided to make the change, and it's kind of a welcome reminder. Sometimes you just need a reality check to show you what poor decision-making can do. 

I hope that this shows you that I'm incredibly far from perfect and that I make mistakes, we all do. I'm human and I am not immune from temptation. All I can do now is remedy my mistakes. All I can do is get back on track, do what I'm supposed to do, and keep my motivation up. And I'm actually highly motivated at the moment because I have to be. I have no choice in the matter. I have to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand. I'm proud of myself already for deciding to fix this. I'm proud of myself for knowing the difference between indulging and falling off of the wagon. I fell off of the wagon. I'm ashamed of that, but I'm fixing it now.

So, stick around for updates on my progress and to help keep me accountable. I need your help and kind words just as much as you (surprisingly) seem to want mine! There may also be a substantially large development in my work situation in the next few weeks, so stay tuned :)

The Year That I Became Rachel

"I never change, I simply become more myself." -Joyce Carol Oates
To say that 2012 was a life-changing year would be the biggest understatement I could possibly make. Looking back to this time last year and remembering how I looked, how I felt, and how I lived makes me want to smack myself. I could have started this change so much earlier than I did, but I think it happened at the right time in my life. If I had just tried to simply lose weight, the change would have been more temporary and purely physical. When I decided to change my life, I honestly wasn't fully aware that it was happening. I didn't realize then that I was about to become more myself than ever. Yes, I have changed in so many ways, mostly in physical appearance. However, I believe that in personality and attitude, I have simply become more me. 

I've become more ambitious than ever, I've become more determined than ever, and I have learned what it means to truly try. I've said it so many times: I was always a quitter. When something got too hard, I left it behind. This is not the case anymore. I have learned how to push myself in all areas of life, not just in eating healthy and in exercise. These two things are what got me running on the right path. I now know how it feels to truly accomplish something and the reward is more amazing than I ever thought possible. I still haven't reached my goal, but just getting this far has changed my life. 

This holiday season has been absolutely wonderful. I've been able to spend time with my family, which is always the best gift. However, I haven't exactly eaten the way I am supposed to...I've indulged, over-eaten, and enjoyed every single bite that I've consumed. Do I regret it? Not necessarily. I feel that I've gotten a lot of cravings out of my system and that I can get back on track now. It would be silly for me make a resolution to diet because I know that I'm going to be right back on the correct path as soon as possible. Today, I've already pointed myself back in that general direction. Seriously though, when Tuesday rolls around, I'm back on the wagon. I'm back to normal. I'll be back to eating healthy foods, lower calorie items, and back to walking and jogging. 

So, what is my New Year's Resolution? That's a good question that I honestly don't have a clear answer to. I've answered several of my past resolutions throughout this year: The weight-loss process is an ongoing and permanent lifestyle change that is still spilling over from last year's resolution. I've developed a more positive attitude and I exercise, I've become more outgoing, I've made more friends, I've figured out what I want to do with my life (though starting the process is a little elusive right now), I give more and help others more often, and I read more. There are so many aspects of myself that have been affected by my lifestyle change, which is making it more difficult for me to find things to resolve. Great problem to have, though, right?

Perhaps one resolution comes to mind: To become more spontaneous. As much as I love routine, I feel that being more free and letting myself think outside of the box more often will help me to become more and more flexible. I'm much more spontaneous than I once was, but I still feel that I let my routine dictate too much of my life. I'm the kind of person that loves to move forward with plans, but I think that throwing plans out the window from time to time may help me to improve my own flexibility. Now, I'm not talking about large plans, such as the ones I have for my life. I can't do that. I'm talking about the little things, such as when a friend calls me and says "let's go do this, meet me here at such and such time", I want to be able to let myself simply get up, get ready, and head out. Too often do I let my routine hold me back from such things, and I feel I may have missed out on a lot of opportunities because of this. No more! I want to live as much of this life as possible, see as much of this world as possible, and experience as many things as possible!

"I discovered to my joy, that it is life, not death, that has no limits." 

This is an idea I'd like to live by. Life doesn't have to be lived with so many limitations. More often than not, you are the only person holding yourself back. Whether it be by physical means or thought process, you can do more, and should do more, than you realize. If there's nothing else I've learned this year, the one thing that really sticks out is that I can do more than I ever thought possible. 2012 will go down in my history as the year that I became Rachel. Before, I was this other person, this negative, sad, and lonely person. After 22 years, Rachel finally made her debut in this world and has become the person she wants to be. I pray that 2013 is just as good to me, but I'm the one who has control over that. By putting my faith in Him and continuing on this path, I'm able to say that I will have another successful year and I can't wait for it to get started :)

All Is Well, All Is Well. Lift Up Your Voice And Sing!

I was thinking last night about this whole Christmas season. What is it to me? What does it actually mean to me? I love this season. I love the movies, the decorations, the lights, the magical feeling in the air, the feeling of nostalgia, all of it. I love how it makes me and my siblings feel like children again. No matter how old we get, we never skip pulling all of the presents out from under the tree and stacking them into our piles, counting to see who has the most (even though we know our parents spend the same amount of money on each of us..). Me and my sister still bake cookies, sleep in the same bed at least one night out of the season, still giggle like little girls. No matter how old we get, we will always act in a juvenile manner and beg to open a present every single night the week of Christmas.

While this is all fun and makes my heart warm, this is not what Christmas really means to me. Christmas is the celebration of the birth of the reason that I'm the person I am today. Without the birth of that baby boy, I would not be free of my sins and my burdens. Because of this baby, I'm saved and I'm free. Do I live up to his standards? Absolutely not. Am I perfect? Pshh. Not even close. No one is, and anyone who claims to be is living in denial. I'm a Christian because I've chosen to give Him my burdens. I'm a Christian because he offered to carry them for me. I'm not even remotely close to perfect. I can't even see perfect from where I'm standing. I'm simply a child of God who was blessed enough to be raised by parents and family members who showed me His love.

I'll never claim to be the perfect example of Christianity because, obviously, I make mistakes. I don't always live in a way that would please Christ. Truth is, most Christians are hypocrites and that's all there is to it. I don't preach to people. I don't try to shove Christianity down anyone's throat. I simply use this blog as platform to share my thoughts, and as a Christian, these kinds of thoughts come up from time to time. Sometimes I'm ashamed of my actions. Sometimes I regret decisions. But does this mean that I'm not a Christian? Not at all.

Christmas is so easily forgotten as a Christian celebration. In a society where everything must be politically correct, I choose to celebrate Christmas as a Christian. I celebrate the birth of my Saviour. Yes, I participate in secular celebration. Absolutely. There's nothing wrong with decorating a tree or telling your kids that Santa brought them presents. There's nothing wrong with buying gifts and giving to others. There's nothing wrong with hanging lights from your house. There's something wrong with focusing only on these things. There's something wrong with becoming wrapped up in these customs and forgetting to acknowledge the birth of Christ. I know that not everyone believes this, but for those of us that claim to believe this, there should be less dispute over customs surrounding this holiday.

Yes, we all know that He wasn't actually born in December or on the 25th, no one really knows the exact month or date, but we know that He was in fact born and this particular day in Winter is the one in which the world decided to celebrate this event. Yes, the month and time we chose to celebrate it is connected to Pagan holidays, but that doesn't mean we have to actually connect it to Pagan holidays. Too many people refuse to believe that He is the Son of God, but as a Christian and as someone who has a personal relationship with God, I believe that he was sent here by His Father to save us. I choose to believe that Christmas is the time to celebrate and rejoice in His birth.

If you don't agree with me, that's your choice, but, like I've said before, this is my blog and you don't have to read it :) I just wanted to share my thoughts on Christmas and how I choose to celebrate. I know that some may consider me a hypocrite because they're aware of some of my decisions or actions, but the truth is, it's no one's business but my own. And this is the reason I choose not to judge others for their actions or attempt to dispute what they say. I have no right telling anyone how to live because I know that I'm not a good example. I know that I've asked forgiveness and I know that He grants it to me. My relationship is a personal thing. Yes, I've shared more about my beliefs today than I ever have through this blog, but the fact that I've shared it at all is a big step for me.

I'm not one to bring up religious topics to others, because I don't necessarily consider myself religious. That doesn't mean that I'm any less Christian, that simply means that I am not a radical who tries to force my beliefs on others. Like I said, I consider it a personal relationship, but I wanted to speak about it given the time of year :)
This will probably be my last post until after Christmas, so I wanted to say that I love you all and I sincerely hope that you all have a wonderful and blessed Christmas!

One more thing! This is one of my favorite Christmas songs of all time. I've performed it several times and its given me great joy each time :) Listen to it!

Point of Grace- All Is Well

Took a little break, but I'm back!

Hello, friends! I know I've been a little absent this week, but I'm back now. Overall, it's been a pretty spectacular week :) I was able to join my sister at a Christmas party, see friends, hang out with my bestie on Wednesday night, saw "The Hobbit" with a new friend :), lunch with Mom today, so. much. sleep., and no work. That's right, I was off work all darn week. I need the money, but I can't really say that I'm sad that I had so much free time. 

I've still done well with eating and such, no gaining, but still not losing. I'm still at my lowest weight, and I'm tired of seeing that same number on the scale! I know that there's no one to blame but myself, but it's still incredibly frustrating. I know what I'm supposed to do, I know how to do what I'm supposed to do, it's just the execution that's a little elusive... 

I know that I keep saying that I'll get back to losing, and I still have every intention to do so, it's just the motivation that I'm finding hard to grasp these days. It's cold outside, holidays bring so much yummy food, and I'm just so burned out on the whole process. I've been at this for almost a full year now, so to say that I'm exhausted by this would be an understatement. I'm tired of working at this, I'm tired of counting calories meticulously, I'm just tired. BUT, I know that I have to finish this. I know that I'm going to finish this. It may still take a good bit of time, but I know it can be done and I have every bit of faith in myself and in Him to know that I will complete this task. 

Weeks like this one really help me, though. I didn't have to sit in the house that I work in and fight back the urge to eat goodies all day. I didn't have to worry about breakfast or snacks due to sleeping late. I've only been eating 2 meals a day, plus coffee and it has been wonderful. It's been wonderful not planning, not packing, not taking food. Next week, when I go back to work (for the last work week of the year for me, by the way), I'll go right back to the planning and such. But for now, I'm enjoying the freedom. 

The social aspects of this week have helped me, as well. Spending time with my family and friends makes me just giddy :) I've had a lot of time to myself, which I love, but I've spent so much time with others. I'm so grateful for all of this free time and for the meeting of new people, with whom I will be spending more time tonight :) I hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend, despite the news of the tragedy in Connecticut. I will be praying for those who lost their loved ones and for the children who were unharmed, but are now going to have a tough time making sense of this senseless act. I hope that you will all do the same.

“No one has ever become poor by giving.” -Anne Frank

“You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.” -John Bunyan

I already posted her link on Facebook, but I wanted to take the time to talk about it a little more here. Mamalaughlin, with the assistance of a couple of her blog bffs, has created a Holiday Pay It Forward Movement for this year's Christmas season. She has received so many emails from readers who have either shared their own story or have shared a family member's or friend's story. Each day, she's posting three or four of them and these stories are heartbreaking..Some are from parents who have been laid off and need help providing Christmas, some are from families who have lost a parent, some are from families who have a child in need of medical attention with which the parents need financial assistance. These people have no shame in asking for help, nor should they. When your child's well-being is at stake, you probably don't care so much what others think of you.

I, myself, have been reading these stories as they are posted, and will most definitely be sending something to at least one of the families. I have so much in my life to be thankful for, and I have no problem admitting that I take so much for granted. I have a full life, I have enough money to get by, I've never gone without at Christmas. My parents, though some years were not as plentiful as others, have never once not provided a good Christmas. We have always been blessed enough to receive plenty of money to have more than enough presents growing up. So many other families are not so lucky. So many families do not have any help. When I read these stories of how little these families have and the fact that they're not able to provide a Christmas for their children, I want to cry. I cannot imagine waking up as a child on Christmas morning and not having anything from Santa or anything to unwrap.

Think about that. Sure, you can explain to your kids that Mommy and Daddy don't have enough money to buy presents, but how do you explain that Santa won't be bringing anything either?! That can't be easy...Obviously, you don't want to have to explain that Santa isn't real just because you don't have enough money to play him. I just can't imagine how it must feel to be one of those parents.

I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Like I've said before, I never used to be the type of person to want to give away my money or my services, but now...now it seems to be all I wanna do. I can't wait to send something to a couple of these families. The response Mama has received already is overwhelming, she says. I mean, I'm talkin' one family has offered to send a $25 gift card to EVERY SINGLE FAMILY who's story is submitted and shared....I mean, wow. Just wow. It's overwhelming to me to see that there are still so many good people in the world. It's so easy to forget that it still exists in this self-absorbed and cold world.  

Mama has used her immense popularity to do something absolutely incredible. I am so proud of her for doing something good with that power! I want to follow in her example and at least help her spread the word. I can't do as large of a service as she has done, but I can at least help her complete this great and wonderful task. I view it as a great blessing to have found this girl's blog when I did months ago, but now I can see why I found it. Seeing all of this has made me realize even more that I want to be more of a giver. She's doing great things and I am so excited to help and be a part of it. I really, truly hope that some of you will go to her blog, read some stories, and I strongly urge you to consider sending something to one of these sweet families. :)

Follow this LINK and get caught up!

No More Settling For A Half-finished Task

"There is nothing so fatal to character as half-finished tasks." -David Lloyd George

Finishing begins today. I'm done putting it off, I'm done making excuses, I'm done with it! I'm getting back on track with losing and I will finish! I'm too close to the end now to not be working hard to get it. I'm still only seventeen pounds away from my goal and it is absolutely unacceptable to be sitting that close without working for it. I've been a pro at maintaining over the past couple of months, but that ends now. I'm eating right, exercising when I can, and regaining focus. I'm already doing really well this week and there's no reason for me not to continue on this path.

I don't know if it was Thanksgiving and the days surrounding it or if I've just been unmotivated, but I feel like a complete loser at this point because I've been content with staying where I am. I know that I'm not actually a loser because, I mean, look at all of the things that I've accomplished! Unless we're talking about being a loser in the sense that I've lost a lot of weight....but, I digress. I need to finish for myself. I need to complete this because I started it. I know, I know..I've said this stuff before, but that was just to make myself feel better without actually doing something about it. I'm saying it now as a declaration to all of you and to myself that I'm finishing this now! I will not eat things not in the plan, I will not eat bad foods, I will exercise when possible, and I will be good.

I haven't gained anything back, which is kind of a miracle, but that's not progress. That's not accomplishment. I know this is all kind of repetitive and things that I've said before, but I'm writing this entry for myself. This is so that I'm getting this info out there for others to see in order to keep myself accountable. Even if no one reads this, just knowing that it's out there keeps me in check. It makes me feel very aware of the fact that others may know that I've said these things and it makes it easier for me to keep myself on track. So many of my recent posts have been all about everything but eating, but now I'm getting back to my plan. I'm getting back to the dedication, motivation, and tunnel vision. Hold me to this, guys.

"I think positive emotion trumps negative emotion everytime."

"I fight cynicism. It's too easy. It's really boring. It's much harder to be positive and see the wonder of everything." -Ewan McGregor

^ It really is difficult sometimes. If I'm feeling down, I usually try to find a way to change my attitude. But sometimes, it's nice to just let it happen. Sometimes it's nice to let myself be upset, to let myself cry. Crying is not necessarily always a negative thing or a sad thing. Sometimes crying is just a release. Sometimes crying is just a way to let a great mix of emotion out. Every once in a while, I find a sappy movie to watch on purpose simply to have a good cry. I know, that's such a girly thing to do, but hey, whatever works. I always feel better afterwards.

Back to the positivity thing. I try my hardest to stay in this new attitude, but it can be taxing. Sometimes it can take its toll. Sometimes it becomes a chore. I feel that people have come to expect this particular attitude from me and, while I appreciate the fact that most see me in this new light, it can be exhausting. I do still have my days in which I want to be alone. I still have moments when I need to stay away from people, especially after weekends like this past one. It was an absolutely wonderful weekend; four days of pure friend time goodness. I was able to spend Thursday through Sunday with most of my closest friends and it was great! But after my last outing with said friends on Sunday afternoon, it was time to be alone again.

My parents had a Christmas party Sunday evening, so I was even able to have the house to myself. That was fantastic. My evening consisted of eating dinner, watching Elf, then the 2012 World Series Film on ESPN (I loved getting to relive those games :), drinking some hot cocoa, and just relaxing with my babies. I still have days of needing to be by myself, but those days are more rare than they used to be. I now thrive off of my time with friends, my conversations with friends, my relationships in general. But I still can't help but feel the need to let myself be down sometimes.

Bad moods come fewer and farther between these days and I hate it when they surface, but everyone goes through them. I'm still a person who has ups and downs. I'm still imperfect. I'm still just a human being. Nothing can change the fact that I will go through a lot of emotional turmoil throughout my life, but knowing that I'm imperfect and that I'm meant to be imperfect is comforting. As soon as I accepted the fact that there's no way that I can maintain a pristine attitude or a cheery disposition, I found that I could remain happier for longer periods of time. As soon as I stopped trying to be happy, I found joy. The moment that I decided not to care about what others think of me is when I found my greatest amount of confidence. The moment that I let go of the reins and just started living is when I found that I could be this positive person. When I stopped the constant worrying, I became free.

Now, I will still always do my best to maintain my positive demeanor, but I will never make any promises to always be happy. Even though there is a situation that I'm not particularly fond of in my life right now, I refuse to let it get me down. Yes, I want more than anything for it to work out in my favor. Yes, I want the complications to disappear, but knowing that I'm doing everything in my power to get it is enough. I'm doing what I am able to do and that's all that I can do. I've let go of worry, of heartache, of negativity and have chosen to focus on the positives. This particular situation sucks. Period. But if it works out, I'll know that hanging on was worth it. Anyway, the point is that I've let go. Freedom is a wonderful feeling and once you find it, you'll never want to go back to your old way of life. Trust me.