Improving Each Day

9 down, 26 to go. Actually, it's about 9.5 down. I weighed in at 166.8 this morning and then at 166.0 after I got back from my run. Yep. I know some people will tell you not to weigh yourself everyday, but I find it to be more helpful. I can more easily keep up with what I'm doing from day to day if I keep tabs on the number. If I weighed only once a week, I think I would go crazy trying to keep myself from doing it and would actually obsess more over it. I killed it in my run today, guys. Also, I greatly underestimated how far I was running in the park. It's actually almost 2.5 miles. And I ran the entire first mile and then did interval running the rest of the time. It was tough, but I stuck it out like a trooper and feel amazing now. The reason I know how far the run was is because I've started using the MapMyFitness app on my phone. It records everything and even talks to you at certain points to let you know how you're doing. At each mile, she tells you you've reached said mile, how long you've been running, and your average pace. It's so helpful and this is what my workout looked like today:

Yep, you read that right, 304 calories burned. I am darn proud of that. I went to the store yesterday and got a bunch of stuff that I used to eat often and it's been so long now since I've had them that I can't wait to eat them again! Things like squash, spaghetti squash, zucchini, cantaloupe, oatmeal, etc...

I still kind of can't believe how quickly I'm losing the weight! But at the same time, I can absolutely believe it because I'm working incredibly hard. Yesterday, the schedule was different and a lot busier than I had originally thought it would be, but I still managed to squeeze in my run and then crunches before bedtime (btw, I've added crunches back into my daily routine since Thursday). The crunches are not only a good way to tighten up muh tum tum, but also a way to keep my metabolism going before and during sleep. Not only did I have to improvise the time I ran yesterday, but also the place. I had to take both of the kids to a tutoring session. Isa's only lasted half an hour while Tony's was a full hour, so while they were both in there, I did my run around the neighborhood in which the building is located. It wasn't as pleasant, but I got it done and that's all that matters! And it's all so worth it. I'm already sleeping better, my skin is clearing up, energy is up, mood is up, my whole demeanor is improved. 

While I'm working hard on this, I'm also working hard on the job. Throughout the past couple of months while the kids are out of school, I've basically been playing chauffeur. Most of my days are spent picking them up and dropping them off and I've been working a lot of later nights. In return, and because she has a lot of time off coming up, Adele has offered me this Monday off and then off from next Friday until I return from Alabama. That's quite a few days to relax, pack, and just get everything in order before I leave and I'm soooooo incredibly grateful for this! In just two weeks, I'll be flying home for my two week visit!!! I'm so anxious and excited and happy and just everything positive you can think of. Oh to be at home in my own bed again. And in the hot Southern summer again. Its cold here when I run :( Yes, cold. Not chilly, not breezy or cool. Cold. It doesn't get warm or hot until the afternoon and then I'm no longer able to get out there. I have to do what I have to do when I can do it, I suppose. My first concern when I wake up is figuring out when I'll get to run. That's a good thing to think about instead of focusing only on food and being hungry. 

On the menu today:

• Breakfast- Dannon Light & Fit Greek vanilla yogurt with half a banana, coffee- I had two cups, 1 tbsp sugar-free vanilla caramel Coffee-Mate creamer.
• Lunch- half a can of tuna over salad with 1 tbsp of Hidden Valley fat-free ranch dressing.
• Snack- smoothie: other half of the banana, handful of strawberries, 1/2 c Dannon plain non-fat yogurt, 1/2 c original unsweetened Silk almond milk- frozen and then thawed to eat like ice cream.
• Dinner- 2 c cooked spaghetti squash, other half of the can of tuna, 2 tbsp Newman's Own Light Alfredo sauce. Kind of becomes a tuna casserole type dish. Delicious.

It's Just Falling Off....

How did my first weekend back on the wagon turn out? I'd say pretty darn well considering I lost another 2.5 pounds. I've said it before and I'll say it again, walking makes a difference! Yes, after just one full week, I've dropped 8 pounds. I'm so proud of myself I could cry...But I'm more proud of myself for getting through the weekend without giving in to any temptations. Lemme give you a run-down of the last 2 days:

Saturday was full of sleep, lots and lots of glorious sleep. I took a lunchbox with me to Oakland this weekend in order to eat as much of the healthy stuff as I could. I had yogurt in the morning, went back to sleep and ended up sleeping through lunchtime, so I had a really big apple that afternoon. For dinner, we went out and I ordered, and thoroughly enjoyed, some chicken, corn, and these amazing potatoes (all in moderation and proper serving sizes) I don't know what they did to those potatoes, but I could literally eat them every single day...

Sunday, we had brunch at a Mediterranean place with a buffet. Buffets can be dangerous, but I also kind of like the fact that I can control my portions without any guess work. I had chicken again (but it was cooked in different spices and was delicious), a small helping of frittata, and lots of grilled zucchini. It was very filling and very nom. After we ate, we walked around Oakland for a little bit while we decided what we wanted to do for the rest of the day. Our decision: Oakland Zoo. This turned out to be an awesome idea! That zoo is so much better than the San Francisco Zoo (surprisingly). I mean, we were kind of amazed out how many more animals they had and how close they were to you. However, that place ain't easy to walk around in: it is very, very hilly. But I mean that worked out for me, right? Even more of a workout! We were there for about 2 hours, so that's a lot of hiking up and down those hills. We ended the trip with their sky ride which was really relaxing. It was a great way to see a good bit of zoo from overhead and also some beautiful views of the bay. For dinner, we went to one of our favorite diners in Oakland and I had the Cajun catfish dinner, which consisted of a serving of delicious blackened catfish with an amazing mango salsa, black beans, and rice. I ate about a 1/4 cup of the beans and a bite or two of the rice, but I had every stinkin' bite of that fish. Absolutely scrumptious dinner.

We definitely made up for Saturday's laziness on Sunday because I was and am still super tired. But it was worth it if I actually lost weight over the weekend. That was pretty rare even back when I was losing weight regularly last year. For real, if I keep this up, I'll be down 15-18 pounds before I leave for home. I didn't expect it to fall off like this! But when I think about it, it's really not surprising. I took a long break and now, after jumping in so hardcore, my body is happy to see the weight go. It's just like when I started at the very beginning of this journey. I feel so much better about myself now than I did this time last week. My clothes already fit better, my energy is up, I just feel slimmer. But it's not just all in my mind either, there is definitely a visible difference. 

Friday night, I said I was going to try that pancake recipe, but it was a big, fat failure! The batter didn't bond together enough to actually cook as pancakes. I don't know what all of those other people did differently, but I ended up just throwing it out and eating something else..lol. Experimenting is a good thing; trial and error, folks. Can I just point out that I haven't eaten bread in one week? Yes me, queen of bread, hasn't had one single bit in a week. I know that has a lot to do with the weight-loss, so I'll continue cutting it out, at least for now. I've also cut out a lot of my Starbucks trips (sadly), but am limiting my coffee intake a good bit. The majority of my coffee consumption is happening at home in order to use my own low-cal creamer and avoiding milk, and I'm OK with that. 

Also, after looking at the new house on Friday, I have to say that the move cannot get here fast enough! That house is ah-mazing. The view is ridiculous and I basically have my own suite: my room is the only bedroom on the first floor and is separated from most of the rest of thouse, is bigger, has beautiful hardwood floors, and a closet that is even bigger than the one I have now. My bathroom has a gigantic shower and I have my own entrance through the garage. I'm so looking forward to more privacy and freedom! The house is not really much bigger in terms of square footage, but the layout makes it feel much bigger and has more privacy in general. It's just a beautiful place and I can't wait to get in there! I thought we were waiting until September, but we actually get the key on August 6 and will begin slowly moving in soon after. So, we'll be there pretty soon! So many exciting things happening in the coming weeks :)

Guys, I have to say that all of your support and encouragement has made a gigantic impact on my entire way of thinking and is amazing motivation. I can't thank you enough! I really and truly appreciate all of the kind words and smiles. You're all amazing! I'm feeling 100% better than I was a week ago and y'all have had a lot to do with that! So, thank you :)

Week One Results

Week One Results: down 5.6 pounds! If I keep going at this rate, I could lose like 15 before I go home! But I'm not worried about a certain number, I'm just trying to do as much as I can. It's nice to use my trip as a short-term goal, but I still have more do when I get back. If I could be done by Christmas, I'd be ecstatic. However, I'm not too worried about how long it takes, I just want it to happen and happen when it's supposed to. I'm sore, I have blisters, I have calluses, I'm exhausted, but it is all completely worth it. I actually slept well last night and am feeling a little more energetic today. I love this.

So, last night's dinner was salad with steak on it and it was pretty delicious. The steak was some sort of serloin, but the best part was that it was a packaged product that actually had the nutrional information on it, so I was more easily prepared to plan my day around it. It was 190 calories per 3 oz, but since I was doing a salad, I had 4.5 oz over a generous helping of lettuce and then drizzled with 2 tbsp of Hidden Valley Fat Free Ranch, which is only 25 calories! Absolutely scrumptious. Adele had cooked the steak ealier in the day, so I went ahead and cut off my portion, weighed it on the scale, and put it in the refrigerator. It was delicious cold on the salad. You should try it! Tonight, I'm going to try a really simple, really low-calorie pancake recipe: 1 ripe banana, 2 whole eggs. I added some sweetener and a little bit of cinnamon and it's only 255 calories for the whole recipe and then another 30 calories for the sugar-free syrup: 285 for the whole thing. I've never tried this recipe before, so I'll let ya know how it turns out! I'm just craving something sweet and I think this might satiate my sweet tooth for a while.

Today, I'm going with Adele and Isa to look at our new house! Oh yeah, we're moving. I forgot to mention that, didn't I. Well, hey, we're moving into a new house in September! It's still in Benicia, but it's a little bigger, more bedrooms, I'll have my own bathroom, and it has an amazing view from the backyard. The house we're in now is actually a rental and has served as kind of a transitional place until she found a house she loved enough to buy. I'm pretty excited about there being more room and especially having my own bathroom!!!! This house we currently live in is nice, but I'm ready to move. But not looking forward to the packing and actual moving part of it....

I only have 18 days until I fly home for my visit and I feel like I'm now counting down not only the days, but the hours as well. I'm so anxious to get there! Working hard and concentrating on the weight-loss is a good way to keep my mind off of it, though. If I didn't have something to work on, I think I would possibly go insane. I want to pack already! But I can't. I still have to wear my clothes before then. Oh well. Until then, I'll continue running and working my butt off. Literally. I mean, seriously, the first place I gain and lose weight is my butt. Blessing or curse? I'm not really sure. But hey, losing weight there first will help all of my pants fit better, yeah? Yeah. I can already see a visible difference in my body and that's motivating. From the side, my tum tum isn't poking out as much as it was and my legs are already slimming down a bit. I don't feel quite as jiggly anymore and that keeps me going. It doesn't matter what keeps you going, as long as you just keep going.

Another Day, Another Pound.

One more pound down this morning! And most likely another tomorrow (fingers crossed), so I'd say over 5 pounds for the first week is a darn good and encouraging start. I'm so proud of myself, y'all. I didn't forget how this felt, but I sure have missed it. Even toward the end of the first round of weight-loss, the pounds came off more and more slowly. So, yeah, it's been a while since I've lost more than a pound in a week. I feel accomplished, disciplined, strong, and slightly more confident. Speaking of confidence, Mama Laughlin's post today is really, really poignant. I'm not a married woman, so I can't fully identify, but I definitely know where she's coming from. You should read it, but basically she talks about how her insecurities about herself caused her to basically become submissive with her husband. She felt that if she were to voice her own opinions or say 'no' to him, he would find some way to pin his frustrations on her weight-gain. Here's my version of this:

I was afraid to argue or voice my opinions with people, especially guys, because I thought I would lose even more appeal (as a fatty, I didn't feel that I had much to offer but an agreeable personality). I just wanted to fit in and not draw too much attention to myself. I was afraid to stand out, I was afraid to act silly, just to be myself, really. I was afraid to pursue the guys I was really attracted to because, even if they did return interest, in my mind, people would say things like "why is he with her?" or "she's not attractive enough for him". Making out the worst in my head kept me from doing what I really wanted to do in many situations in my life. If I was eating with other people, I would eat much less than I really wanted to because I didn't want them to think "well, no wonder". So, I would eat more at home in private, and way too much. And the bad stuff. Basically, I felt judged for everything. I felt that every time I got up from a chair people were looking at my body in disgust. I was scared that if I tried to stand out too much, people would look at me like the loud, fat friend. I didn't wanna be that girl. 

I didn't want to exercise or anything around other people in a gym or run outside because I didn't want others to see me jiggling and completely out of breath. Sad, I know. My life was sad. But now, that I'm smaller and see other people out changing themselves, I realize that I don't know everyone else's story. I don't know what they're going through or have gone through. Just like when I started out. No one knew if I was just starting or whatever. And they probably didn't give me a second thought after passing me on the sidewalk. People don't judge you as much as you might think they do. Once I realized that I had to make a change, I finally threw all of the concerns out the window and began running and walking in my neighborhood. I still jiggled and I was still out of breath, but I didn't care if people saw me anymore. I realized that what they were probably actually thinking was "good for her for doing something about it". And that was motivating, whether it was reality or not. After I'd lost about 50 pounds, our mail lady stopped her truck while I was out and told me that she was impressed with my persistence and determination and that she thought I looked great. Because I was out every day where people could see me, they saw my progress. Hearing her tell me that was one of the biggest rewards I can think of during this whole thing. When people I know would tell me that they thought I looked good, of course I took the compliment and was pleased with it, but hearing a complete stranger tell me was like early Christmas! 

After losing the weight, I was no longer insecure. I didn't mind standing out, I didn't mind being noticed, I didn't mind being myself. All of those things I didn't want to do before kind of disappeared. But when I gained so much back, all of those insecurities returned, as well. It felt as if I had never lost any weight to begin with and it made me feel depressed. I didn't fall into the same kind of dark holes that I used to, but I definitely have not been as happy. I just cannot wait to get back to that same positive, bubbly person I had become. I'm off to a great start and I'm proud of myself for losing weight for the first time in about 4 or 5 months. I was gaining weight during those months and it kinda makes me wanna puke. Buh. Lemme tell ya, it feels good to eat healthy food again and actually feel full and satisfied from it. 

Yesterday's breakfast was coffee and my absolute favorite yogurt ever: Dannon Light and Fit Greek Vanilla. It comes in a 4-pack and each cup is only 80 calories. So delicious, so filling, lots of protein. My lunch was an egg white omelette, 3/4 cup cantaloupe, and iced coffee. It was delicious and filling and I just felt good after I was finished. My afternoon snack was a frozen strawberry smoothie, which is always a good choice. Now, for dinner lemme just spend a minute on what I had for dinner. I've been taking the kids to a pick-up/drop-off spot for day camp in Pleasant Hill. Well I looked it up and there's a Chick-Fil-A one exit down. I went by and picked up a chargrilled chicken wrap with light Italian dressing. Y'all, it had been about 6 months since I'd eaten anything from CFA. And it was glorious. Of course, I would rather have had an original sandwich, waffle fries, and sweet tea, but I was quite satisfied. It was so delicious. Mmm. That will be happening again. Soon.

I don't know how far I'm running when I go, but I'm going for 30 minutes at a time. I feel like that's more important than distance because keeping your heart rate up for 30 minutes is the way to burn fat and calories. As best I can tell by experience, I would say I'm running/walking around 11/2 to 13/4 miles. with a ratio of approximately 75% running and walking the rest which is very good for me right now. I'm proud of those numbers and proud that I'm pushing myself more and more each day. Eventually, I'll be back to running 2,3,4, miles at a time with no walking and I'm so looking forward to that! I miss the runners' high and the feeling when I finally finish for the day. *sigh* It feels really god to be able to say that I am a runner again. 

I really already feel like I'm becoming myself again. Just a few days worth of doing the right thing has made a huge impact on the way I'm thinking, acting, and feeling. This weekend will be my first test since starting over, but I have confidence in myself to continue doing the right thing. I can resist the bad stuff, I can stick to my plan, and I can keep my determination. I'll take a break from running, but I know I'll do plenty of walking around just getting places. I'm thinking Fiona won't get a ton of use this weekend, but she'll appreciate the break and so will my body :) 

"As you think, so shall you be."

I feel amazing today and I can't even describe the turn-around I've made. After my mini-meltdown and subsequent emotional breakthrough earlier this week, I finally slapped myself back into my old self. Since Monday night, I've lost 3.5 pounds. I know a lot of that is water weight, bloating, etc., but it's still 3.5 pounds. I feel skinnier and healthy already! Yesterday, I did not eat one single bite of anything not in my plan which makes it so much easier to keep going down the right path. I have been feeling hungry, but I expected that. Muh tum tum is now trying to shrink back down and until that happens, I'm probably gonna feel hungry more often than I was, but that's OK. I need to retrain my body to resist eating every single time my stomach growls. I'll live.

I have found a new place to walk/run and I will most definitely be going back there for my daily exercise. Benicia has a state park that's basically one giant walking track on flat, beautiful ground. The hills in my neighborhood are too much for me, especially at this point in the game, and let's be real, this is a much better view than my neighborhood:

Yeah?

I did another 30 minute walk/run. Yes, run. Yeah, I lied about not running. I didn't push myself too, too hard, but I did do a good bit of interval running. Knowing what I'm capable of makes it really hard for me to just walk. I know that walking does make a difference, but I just feel like I'm not really doing anything unless I run at least a little. I didn't over-do it, but I most definitely pushed myself harder today than I have in months. I was tired, sweaty, and gross, but I felt better during those 30 minutes than I have in a really long time. I'm also really hoping  that all of this activity will make it easier for me to sleep. I know it sure did in the past!

Guys, I cannot tell you how much your words of encouragement have helped me and continue to help me. I got texts from several friends and family members yesterday that just added fuel to my fire. Hearing (or reading) things like "You've got this" and "I know you can do this, you have a stronger will power than anyone I know", "know that you're not alone", and just hearing "I love you and I'm here for you" has had a huge impact on this new journey. It makes me realize how loved I am and how much people really believe in me. It makes me believe in myself again! It also makes me mad at myself for not saying something about my situation a long time ago because with everyone's support, I could have started over much sooner. Oh well, like I've said before, everything happens when it's supposed to :)

So, I actually had a dream about messing up with food, giving in to temptation, and I woke up in a panic! It was as if eating whatever it was that had me scared would reverse any and all progress I've made, just like when I started this whole thing over a year and a half ago! Now I know that the "fear" is back and I'll much more easily be able to resist the bad stuff. When I got home from the grocery store last night, I walked into the kitchen to see cupcakes, cookie dough, and a box of pastries on the counter.....Kill me. BUT I had no problem simply putting the groceries away and walking out of the kitchen. For the first time in months. Isa's birthday was Monday and we're still receiving sweets and gifts....Can't really be mad at that....Before, I would not have hesitated to dive into that box of pastries with reckless abandon, but I'm fine now. I'm back to normal. I CAN do this!

I have found that when I start to get that boredom hunger, which I'm now going to refer to as "bunger" (deal with it), I try to find something to do, something to occupy my hands and thoughts. Yesterday, it was making a blanket. Today, it may be a nap. I don't know, I'm pretty darn tired now. Seriously though, finding something to do to curb those bunger pains is the best thing I can do. If I'm busy, I stay out of the kitchen. If I'm busy, I'm not thinking about food so much. I just have to train myself not to think about food so much. It's not easy, but I have to continue to revert back to the healthy way. "The Fear" is back with a vengeance, y'all, and I know it's because of the number on the scale. It's the same thing that happened when the number was 216 and now, even 48.5 pounds down, I'm scared of the number I've seen. I'm terrified that I'll see a 2 in the beginning of the number again and even more terrified of having to go back up to a size 10, or like in my nightmares, a size 16. Yikes! I'm still in an 8, which is kind of a miracle frankly, but I could feel them getting tighter and tighter, not to the point of being uncomfortable, but to the point of dreading the wash and dry because it's a lot of work to wear them back out to comfortable. No way to live.

Guys, this was not worth it. Gaining weight back was. not. worth. it. I think  maybe my mind needed a break from the obsession and to just eat, to just not care again. In the moment, it was awesome, but now I'm dealing with the consequences. I'm having to work twice as hard as I was just to get back down to where I was. But I'm so happy to feel like myself again and can already feel my confidence coming back and my self-esteem rising. My mind is in a different place now, ergo I feel better about myself. I know what I'm doing physically, so my mindset is following. My outlook on life is so much better and brighter right now and I'm thoroughly enjoying being able to give you positive updates again :)

"As you think, so shall you be." -Wayne W. Dyer

Starting Over From Scratch

I'm out of control. And I have been for the past few months. I've let myself slip backwards and back into the person I once was: lazy, gluttonous, low energy, sad, hungry, etc...I swore to myself that I would never go back to where I was before, but I'm well on my way. I'm ashamed of myself beyond words and ashamed of what I let happen. I'm back to where I was in about late April/early May of last year. I was at my smallest in October....Ugh. However, it's never too late. Also, I haven't completely reversed my progress, but I have back tracked way further than I ever expected to. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm still a good 45 pounds lighter than I was at my biggest. That's still an accomplishment. That's still something to be proud of, but at my smallest, I had lost 64 pounds. I am absolutely disgusted with myself, not just because of the way that I feel about my appearance, but more disgusted with how much I let go of my will power and persistence. 

After a tear-filled conversation with my mom last night, I made a silent oath with myself to get off of this track that I'm on, to begin again from where I am right now. She's absolutely right in suggesting that I'm possibly subconsciously filling a void in my life even though I may not even know what that void is. It may be missing family, missing home, anything. Whatever it is, I have to find other ways to compensate for what I'm missing without using food. I'm a food addict. I know this and you know this. I worship food. Food is my idol. You may think that sounds silly or that I'm joking, but I say these things in all seriousness. If you're not a food addict, or any kind of addict for that matter, you will never, ever understand or comprehend what that means. I don't rely on food for sustenance, I rely on food to fulfill me emotionally and psychologically. I don't think of food as something my body simply needs to live, I think of it as everything. My life and my thoughts revolve around food and it makes me sick. It makes me angry with myself. 

If I don't stop this now, I will surely fall back into old habits and into that cycle of depression, sleep-deprivation, and anxiety. I'm already pretty much there with the sleep thing. I haven't really slept well in a couple of months, honestly. Every once in a while, I'll have one night during the week in which I actually sleep a solid 6 or 7 hours, but I think those only come about due to the lack of normal sleep during the rest of the nights. The food addiction is not the only thing contributing, however. I'm most definitely not exercising like I was. Not even a little bit close. I did take a 30 minute walk yesterday and today and I feel mighty good about that. I must make time for exercise again. I must make myself get up off of the couch and do something. I can't keep living idly during the week. I have to do something other than watch tv. I feel myself quickly slipping back into my former sedentary lifestyle and it makes me cry. I'm kind of an emotional mess right now and it sucks. So much.

Something that has kind of given me a kick in the butt is seeing some friends on Facebook, friends that once told me that I inspired them to do something, actually losing weight, getting healthier, seeing results. This makes me want to get back to that person that I used to be not so long ago. Another thing that has made me really feel inspired was Miss Mama Laughlin's (who's amazing blog you can find here) status update which read "Don't say you can't. You can. Don't say tomorrow. Today. Don't think you have too much to lose. Take it one day at a time. You are capable of so much more than you think." This is the kind of stuff I used to post for other people and I absolutely hate that I'm the one that needs the inspiration again. And I cannot blame anyone but me. I am the one who kept letting myself over-eat, ordering the wrong things when dining out, the one not running. But I'm not a lost cause, there's no such thing. You're never too far gone to make a change. 

Ya know what? It would be so easy to just continue being down and wallow in self-loathing, but I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna be that girl. I'm not gonna let myself gain the rest of the weight back. I will do something about this. No, not will, am. I am doing something about this. Not tomorrow, not the next day, right now. Just like Mama Laughlin said and just like I used to say to others. I think one of my biggest issues is that I don't have my pillar of strength, AKA Mom, around to keep me accountable. I don't have my partner to help me keep myself on track. However, I know that I can do this on my own because I know what to do, how to do it, and that I am absolutely strong enough to do this. I can't view this as a choice anymore, I can't look at this as just something I'll get around to. I have to look at this as the one and only option. If I don't, I'll continue down this path and never come back.

I'm basically starting from scratch. I've gone back to the beginning and am building myself up again. I'm eating more lightly, eating healthier foods again, counting calories, measuring portions, and exercising. I'm not concerned with running at this point. Walking is good for now. Just getting myself outside and moving again is the first and most important step and I've already begun to incorporate it into my daily activities. All of my updates for the past couple of months have basically been small talk and chit-chat. I was too embarrassed to address these issues and now that I'm righting my wrongs, I feel like I can be honest, open, and candid again. Ya know what's crazy? When I had gotten down to this size last Summer, I felt so good. I started buying more fitted clothing, wearing shorts, just showing off my accomplishments. Now, back to this size, I cover up, wear loose-fitting tops, pants only, not even sleeveless shirts. I'm back to hating certain parts of my body that I actually had finally become comfortable with. It's amazing how much is actually just a matter of perception and psychological. I'm actually embarrassed to go home at the end of the month and see people again because of how I feel about myself. I know that none of these people will judge me, but I've lost my confidence. I've lost my sense of higher self-esteem. I'm so ready to get that back.

So, now that I've finally begun to see the reality of my situation, I can finally correct my mistakes. I had said before that I wouldn't go home for my visit bigger than when I left, but with my flight just 20 days away, it is physically impossible for that to happen. But I can go back smaller than I am right now. 20 days is a pretty good chunk of time for me to make at least a small dent in the number of pounds I need to lose, maybe 10-12 pounds. No more of my old goal and trying to lose what was left of that.  I'm now focusing on a new goal of losing 35 pounds and being healthy again. The benefits of living a healthy lifestyle far outweigh the negatives of an unhealthy one and eating tasty food in the moment. I want my full nights of rest, clear skin, and high energy back! I'm ready to give you positive updates, share recipes like I used to, and just being happy again in general. Going back to the beginning is tough, but it's the only way. All I can do is use the knowledge that I already have and keep learning as I go.

I apologize for the long post, but this week has been a huge turning point for me both physically and emotionally. And by emotionally, I mean that I've cried it out several times. I had to get all of this out and let you know what's actually going on in my life. Thank you for sticking with me through this and encouraging me. I hope that you'll keep going with me on this journey! Get ready for some happier posts coming your way :)

Just A Quick Update

Is it seriously already July?! How did that happen? That means I'm going home for my 2 week visit THIS MONTH!!! I'm so incredibly excited! Summer finally hit here in the past couple of weeks and it has been very welcome. Apparently, this is abnormal here. John says it never got this hot last year and definitely not for this long. So, I guess I lucked out! When the weather is good here, everyone, and I mean everyone goes outside to enjoy it. To take advantage of the situation, I went to a lake on Friday and soaked up some sun and took a dip in the cold water. Then on Saturday, John and I went to the beach in Alameda. It wasn't terribly crowded, but there were plenty of others there who had the same idea. Sunday, we took my big beach towel to the lake in Oakland and spent some time in the grass and in the sunshine. Then I laid out on the back deck yesterday afternoon. I definitely got my tan really going this weekend! This is a welcome change from last summer for me. Hermit no more. 

In other news, my nephew is due in a little more than a month and I'm finally getting around to shopping and buying my gifts for the soon-to-be parents and baby. Since I wasn't able to attend the baby shower this past weekend, I'm building a gift basket to give to them when I go home. I'm enjoying the heck out of it! I love buying things for other people and this is such a joy. I just wish baby stuff wasn't so expensive....Oh well, anything for BabyBug :) How can you love someone you haven't even met so much?! And he's not even mine! Lord, how crazy am I gonna be when it is my turn.... They've moved into their new house and put together the nursery and I'm so happy for them! I'm so glad that they've found a home of their own to start their family in. Also, my sister has found a new place to live, a house instead of apartment. Look at us, growin' up and stuff.

The only thing I'm sad about right now is not being there for all of this. I hate that I missed the shower and helping them move. I hate that I'm not there for all of the exciting developments in the pregnancy. I wasn't there to see Hannah's new house. I really just feel sorry that I'm missing it. I have a lot to make up for when I'm home! I have a lot to do, a baby to meet, people to see, eating to make up for! Ok, the eating thing isn't as important, but it will definitely be a big part of the visit. Don't judge me. *sigh* Just 27 days until I leave!!! The countdown has begun!