Another Day, Another Pound.

One more pound down this morning! And most likely another tomorrow (fingers crossed), so I'd say over 5 pounds for the first week is a darn good and encouraging start. I'm so proud of myself, y'all. I didn't forget how this felt, but I sure have missed it. Even toward the end of the first round of weight-loss, the pounds came off more and more slowly. So, yeah, it's been a while since I've lost more than a pound in a week. I feel accomplished, disciplined, strong, and slightly more confident. Speaking of confidence, Mama Laughlin's post today is really, really poignant. I'm not a married woman, so I can't fully identify, but I definitely know where she's coming from. You should read it, but basically she talks about how her insecurities about herself caused her to basically become submissive with her husband. She felt that if she were to voice her own opinions or say 'no' to him, he would find some way to pin his frustrations on her weight-gain. Here's my version of this:

I was afraid to argue or voice my opinions with people, especially guys, because I thought I would lose even more appeal (as a fatty, I didn't feel that I had much to offer but an agreeable personality). I just wanted to fit in and not draw too much attention to myself. I was afraid to stand out, I was afraid to act silly, just to be myself, really. I was afraid to pursue the guys I was really attracted to because, even if they did return interest, in my mind, people would say things like "why is he with her?" or "she's not attractive enough for him". Making out the worst in my head kept me from doing what I really wanted to do in many situations in my life. If I was eating with other people, I would eat much less than I really wanted to because I didn't want them to think "well, no wonder". So, I would eat more at home in private, and way too much. And the bad stuff. Basically, I felt judged for everything. I felt that every time I got up from a chair people were looking at my body in disgust. I was scared that if I tried to stand out too much, people would look at me like the loud, fat friend. I didn't wanna be that girl. 

I didn't want to exercise or anything around other people in a gym or run outside because I didn't want others to see me jiggling and completely out of breath. Sad, I know. My life was sad. But now, that I'm smaller and see other people out changing themselves, I realize that I don't know everyone else's story. I don't know what they're going through or have gone through. Just like when I started out. No one knew if I was just starting or whatever. And they probably didn't give me a second thought after passing me on the sidewalk. People don't judge you as much as you might think they do. Once I realized that I had to make a change, I finally threw all of the concerns out the window and began running and walking in my neighborhood. I still jiggled and I was still out of breath, but I didn't care if people saw me anymore. I realized that what they were probably actually thinking was "good for her for doing something about it". And that was motivating, whether it was reality or not. After I'd lost about 50 pounds, our mail lady stopped her truck while I was out and told me that she was impressed with my persistence and determination and that she thought I looked great. Because I was out every day where people could see me, they saw my progress. Hearing her tell me that was one of the biggest rewards I can think of during this whole thing. When people I know would tell me that they thought I looked good, of course I took the compliment and was pleased with it, but hearing a complete stranger tell me was like early Christmas! 

After losing the weight, I was no longer insecure. I didn't mind standing out, I didn't mind being noticed, I didn't mind being myself. All of those things I didn't want to do before kind of disappeared. But when I gained so much back, all of those insecurities returned, as well. It felt as if I had never lost any weight to begin with and it made me feel depressed. I didn't fall into the same kind of dark holes that I used to, but I definitely have not been as happy. I just cannot wait to get back to that same positive, bubbly person I had become. I'm off to a great start and I'm proud of myself for losing weight for the first time in about 4 or 5 months. I was gaining weight during those months and it kinda makes me wanna puke. Buh. Lemme tell ya, it feels good to eat healthy food again and actually feel full and satisfied from it. 

Yesterday's breakfast was coffee and my absolute favorite yogurt ever: Dannon Light and Fit Greek Vanilla. It comes in a 4-pack and each cup is only 80 calories. So delicious, so filling, lots of protein. My lunch was an egg white omelette, 3/4 cup cantaloupe, and iced coffee. It was delicious and filling and I just felt good after I was finished. My afternoon snack was a frozen strawberry smoothie, which is always a good choice. Now, for dinner lemme just spend a minute on what I had for dinner. I've been taking the kids to a pick-up/drop-off spot for day camp in Pleasant Hill. Well I looked it up and there's a Chick-Fil-A one exit down. I went by and picked up a chargrilled chicken wrap with light Italian dressing. Y'all, it had been about 6 months since I'd eaten anything from CFA. And it was glorious. Of course, I would rather have had an original sandwich, waffle fries, and sweet tea, but I was quite satisfied. It was so delicious. Mmm. That will be happening again. Soon.

I don't know how far I'm running when I go, but I'm going for 30 minutes at a time. I feel like that's more important than distance because keeping your heart rate up for 30 minutes is the way to burn fat and calories. As best I can tell by experience, I would say I'm running/walking around 11/2 to 13/4 miles. with a ratio of approximately 75% running and walking the rest which is very good for me right now. I'm proud of those numbers and proud that I'm pushing myself more and more each day. Eventually, I'll be back to running 2,3,4, miles at a time with no walking and I'm so looking forward to that! I miss the runners' high and the feeling when I finally finish for the day. *sigh* It feels really god to be able to say that I am a runner again. 

I really already feel like I'm becoming myself again. Just a few days worth of doing the right thing has made a huge impact on the way I'm thinking, acting, and feeling. This weekend will be my first test since starting over, but I have confidence in myself to continue doing the right thing. I can resist the bad stuff, I can stick to my plan, and I can keep my determination. I'll take a break from running, but I know I'll do plenty of walking around just getting places. I'm thinking Fiona won't get a ton of use this weekend, but she'll appreciate the break and so will my body :)