Starting Over From Scratch

I'm out of control. And I have been for the past few months. I've let myself slip backwards and back into the person I once was: lazy, gluttonous, low energy, sad, hungry, etc...I swore to myself that I would never go back to where I was before, but I'm well on my way. I'm ashamed of myself beyond words and ashamed of what I let happen. I'm back to where I was in about late April/early May of last year. I was at my smallest in October....Ugh. However, it's never too late. Also, I haven't completely reversed my progress, but I have back tracked way further than I ever expected to. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm still a good 45 pounds lighter than I was at my biggest. That's still an accomplishment. That's still something to be proud of, but at my smallest, I had lost 64 pounds. I am absolutely disgusted with myself, not just because of the way that I feel about my appearance, but more disgusted with how much I let go of my will power and persistence. 

After a tear-filled conversation with my mom last night, I made a silent oath with myself to get off of this track that I'm on, to begin again from where I am right now. She's absolutely right in suggesting that I'm possibly subconsciously filling a void in my life even though I may not even know what that void is. It may be missing family, missing home, anything. Whatever it is, I have to find other ways to compensate for what I'm missing without using food. I'm a food addict. I know this and you know this. I worship food. Food is my idol. You may think that sounds silly or that I'm joking, but I say these things in all seriousness. If you're not a food addict, or any kind of addict for that matter, you will never, ever understand or comprehend what that means. I don't rely on food for sustenance, I rely on food to fulfill me emotionally and psychologically. I don't think of food as something my body simply needs to live, I think of it as everything. My life and my thoughts revolve around food and it makes me sick. It makes me angry with myself. 

If I don't stop this now, I will surely fall back into old habits and into that cycle of depression, sleep-deprivation, and anxiety. I'm already pretty much there with the sleep thing. I haven't really slept well in a couple of months, honestly. Every once in a while, I'll have one night during the week in which I actually sleep a solid 6 or 7 hours, but I think those only come about due to the lack of normal sleep during the rest of the nights. The food addiction is not the only thing contributing, however. I'm most definitely not exercising like I was. Not even a little bit close. I did take a 30 minute walk yesterday and today and I feel mighty good about that. I must make time for exercise again. I must make myself get up off of the couch and do something. I can't keep living idly during the week. I have to do something other than watch tv. I feel myself quickly slipping back into my former sedentary lifestyle and it makes me cry. I'm kind of an emotional mess right now and it sucks. So much.

Something that has kind of given me a kick in the butt is seeing some friends on Facebook, friends that once told me that I inspired them to do something, actually losing weight, getting healthier, seeing results. This makes me want to get back to that person that I used to be not so long ago. Another thing that has made me really feel inspired was Miss Mama Laughlin's (who's amazing blog you can find here) status update which read "Don't say you can't. You can. Don't say tomorrow. Today. Don't think you have too much to lose. Take it one day at a time. You are capable of so much more than you think." This is the kind of stuff I used to post for other people and I absolutely hate that I'm the one that needs the inspiration again. And I cannot blame anyone but me. I am the one who kept letting myself over-eat, ordering the wrong things when dining out, the one not running. But I'm not a lost cause, there's no such thing. You're never too far gone to make a change. 

Ya know what? It would be so easy to just continue being down and wallow in self-loathing, but I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna be that girl. I'm not gonna let myself gain the rest of the weight back. I will do something about this. No, not will, am. I am doing something about this. Not tomorrow, not the next day, right now. Just like Mama Laughlin said and just like I used to say to others. I think one of my biggest issues is that I don't have my pillar of strength, AKA Mom, around to keep me accountable. I don't have my partner to help me keep myself on track. However, I know that I can do this on my own because I know what to do, how to do it, and that I am absolutely strong enough to do this. I can't view this as a choice anymore, I can't look at this as just something I'll get around to. I have to look at this as the one and only option. If I don't, I'll continue down this path and never come back.

I'm basically starting from scratch. I've gone back to the beginning and am building myself up again. I'm eating more lightly, eating healthier foods again, counting calories, measuring portions, and exercising. I'm not concerned with running at this point. Walking is good for now. Just getting myself outside and moving again is the first and most important step and I've already begun to incorporate it into my daily activities. All of my updates for the past couple of months have basically been small talk and chit-chat. I was too embarrassed to address these issues and now that I'm righting my wrongs, I feel like I can be honest, open, and candid again. Ya know what's crazy? When I had gotten down to this size last Summer, I felt so good. I started buying more fitted clothing, wearing shorts, just showing off my accomplishments. Now, back to this size, I cover up, wear loose-fitting tops, pants only, not even sleeveless shirts. I'm back to hating certain parts of my body that I actually had finally become comfortable with. It's amazing how much is actually just a matter of perception and psychological. I'm actually embarrassed to go home at the end of the month and see people again because of how I feel about myself. I know that none of these people will judge me, but I've lost my confidence. I've lost my sense of higher self-esteem. I'm so ready to get that back.

So, now that I've finally begun to see the reality of my situation, I can finally correct my mistakes. I had said before that I wouldn't go home for my visit bigger than when I left, but with my flight just 20 days away, it is physically impossible for that to happen. But I can go back smaller than I am right now. 20 days is a pretty good chunk of time for me to make at least a small dent in the number of pounds I need to lose, maybe 10-12 pounds. No more of my old goal and trying to lose what was left of that.  I'm now focusing on a new goal of losing 35 pounds and being healthy again. The benefits of living a healthy lifestyle far outweigh the negatives of an unhealthy one and eating tasty food in the moment. I want my full nights of rest, clear skin, and high energy back! I'm ready to give you positive updates, share recipes like I used to, and just being happy again in general. Going back to the beginning is tough, but it's the only way. All I can do is use the knowledge that I already have and keep learning as I go.

I apologize for the long post, but this week has been a huge turning point for me both physically and emotionally. And by emotionally, I mean that I've cried it out several times. I had to get all of this out and let you know what's actually going on in my life. Thank you for sticking with me through this and encouraging me. I hope that you'll keep going with me on this journey! Get ready for some happier posts coming your way :)