"As you think, so shall you be."

I feel amazing today and I can't even describe the turn-around I've made. After my mini-meltdown and subsequent emotional breakthrough earlier this week, I finally slapped myself back into my old self. Since Monday night, I've lost 3.5 pounds. I know a lot of that is water weight, bloating, etc., but it's still 3.5 pounds. I feel skinnier and healthy already! Yesterday, I did not eat one single bite of anything not in my plan which makes it so much easier to keep going down the right path. I have been feeling hungry, but I expected that. Muh tum tum is now trying to shrink back down and until that happens, I'm probably gonna feel hungry more often than I was, but that's OK. I need to retrain my body to resist eating every single time my stomach growls. I'll live.

I have found a new place to walk/run and I will most definitely be going back there for my daily exercise. Benicia has a state park that's basically one giant walking track on flat, beautiful ground. The hills in my neighborhood are too much for me, especially at this point in the game, and let's be real, this is a much better view than my neighborhood:

Yeah?

I did another 30 minute walk/run. Yes, run. Yeah, I lied about not running. I didn't push myself too, too hard, but I did do a good bit of interval running. Knowing what I'm capable of makes it really hard for me to just walk. I know that walking does make a difference, but I just feel like I'm not really doing anything unless I run at least a little. I didn't over-do it, but I most definitely pushed myself harder today than I have in months. I was tired, sweaty, and gross, but I felt better during those 30 minutes than I have in a really long time. I'm also really hoping  that all of this activity will make it easier for me to sleep. I know it sure did in the past!

Guys, I cannot tell you how much your words of encouragement have helped me and continue to help me. I got texts from several friends and family members yesterday that just added fuel to my fire. Hearing (or reading) things like "You've got this" and "I know you can do this, you have a stronger will power than anyone I know", "know that you're not alone", and just hearing "I love you and I'm here for you" has had a huge impact on this new journey. It makes me realize how loved I am and how much people really believe in me. It makes me believe in myself again! It also makes me mad at myself for not saying something about my situation a long time ago because with everyone's support, I could have started over much sooner. Oh well, like I've said before, everything happens when it's supposed to :)

So, I actually had a dream about messing up with food, giving in to temptation, and I woke up in a panic! It was as if eating whatever it was that had me scared would reverse any and all progress I've made, just like when I started this whole thing over a year and a half ago! Now I know that the "fear" is back and I'll much more easily be able to resist the bad stuff. When I got home from the grocery store last night, I walked into the kitchen to see cupcakes, cookie dough, and a box of pastries on the counter.....Kill me. BUT I had no problem simply putting the groceries away and walking out of the kitchen. For the first time in months. Isa's birthday was Monday and we're still receiving sweets and gifts....Can't really be mad at that....Before, I would not have hesitated to dive into that box of pastries with reckless abandon, but I'm fine now. I'm back to normal. I CAN do this!

I have found that when I start to get that boredom hunger, which I'm now going to refer to as "bunger" (deal with it), I try to find something to do, something to occupy my hands and thoughts. Yesterday, it was making a blanket. Today, it may be a nap. I don't know, I'm pretty darn tired now. Seriously though, finding something to do to curb those bunger pains is the best thing I can do. If I'm busy, I stay out of the kitchen. If I'm busy, I'm not thinking about food so much. I just have to train myself not to think about food so much. It's not easy, but I have to continue to revert back to the healthy way. "The Fear" is back with a vengeance, y'all, and I know it's because of the number on the scale. It's the same thing that happened when the number was 216 and now, even 48.5 pounds down, I'm scared of the number I've seen. I'm terrified that I'll see a 2 in the beginning of the number again and even more terrified of having to go back up to a size 10, or like in my nightmares, a size 16. Yikes! I'm still in an 8, which is kind of a miracle frankly, but I could feel them getting tighter and tighter, not to the point of being uncomfortable, but to the point of dreading the wash and dry because it's a lot of work to wear them back out to comfortable. No way to live.

Guys, this was not worth it. Gaining weight back was. not. worth. it. I think  maybe my mind needed a break from the obsession and to just eat, to just not care again. In the moment, it was awesome, but now I'm dealing with the consequences. I'm having to work twice as hard as I was just to get back down to where I was. But I'm so happy to feel like myself again and can already feel my confidence coming back and my self-esteem rising. My mind is in a different place now, ergo I feel better about myself. I know what I'm doing physically, so my mindset is following. My outlook on life is so much better and brighter right now and I'm thoroughly enjoying being able to give you positive updates again :)

"As you think, so shall you be." -Wayne W. Dyer