Gettin' Better

I finally had my first session with the therapist and it went really well. I found it to be quite helpful just to even talk about everything out loud, especially with someone who has experience with these issues. She helped me to make a few connections and offered some fresh perspectives which I found quite comforting and validating. I've finally been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and, even though I knew that I had it, it was, in some weird way, comforting to hear it. I feel more at ease knowing that I'm not just imagining these issues, that I'm not just creating problems from nothing, even though that is basically my issue... I'm going to be seeing her again on Thursday and we're going to continue to discuss my problems and concerns and begin to work out a treatment plan and what techniques to implement into my daily life to try to ease my pain. 

I never really saw this as something that was painful, but as I began to cry while speaking to her, she commented on the fact that it seems like I'm in a great deal of pain and am frustrated. That is exactly how I feel and I never saw that. I've been dealing with this for so long that it has just become a part of life and something that is there. But saying these things out loud has made me realize that she's right, I am in pain. And good Lord, am I frustrated. I'm frustrated with the fact that I can't turn my mind off, that I can't just go with the flow, that I can't live without feeling weighed down by my anxiety. As we discussed my issues with sleeping and not being able to shut down, she said that she wants to give me the tools to improve the quality of life for me. I never thought of the quality of my life as negative, but it absolutely is. I have nothing to complain about in my life, but for some reason, I cannot seem to just simply life freely. Everything causes me anxiety. Even positive things. And I really hate that. 

One of the things that I want to work on most is becoming less self-deprecating. I didn't realize that I was, but as I spoke, she pointed out that I put myself down for feeling the way that I do. I tend to tell myself that it's silly when I have these thoughts, that I shouldn't feel this way, that I need to stop because it's dumb. That is absolutely the wrong way to look at it! Yes, I have these anxieties for seemingly no reason, but I do have them and it's not silly. It's unsolicited, but it's not silly. I over think, I bottle things up, and I explode in tears and crankiness. As long as I feel that it helps, I will continue to see this doctor. She's easy to talk to, she asks questions, and she sincerely wants to help. I left that office feeling just a little bit lighter and a little bit better. It had been a while since I had felt that way and it was amazing.

In other news, I move into my new place in San Francisco this weekend! Though, I am slowly moving in starting tonight when I'm done with work. I have quite a bit of my stuff in my car ready to be moved in later! I'll probably be completely moved in by the end of Saturday and I could not be more excited! I can't wait to get up an hour later for work and only drive for about 7 minutes to work. *sigh* It's so close! Tonight, John and I are going to go out for some St. Patrick's Day fun and then tomorrow, we're celebrating our one year anniversary :) Yep, you read that right. I, Rachel LaFollette, have actually been in a relationship for a full year. I never thought I'd see the day, either. But, here it is, and I could not be happier :) 

As things develop with my treatment and such, I'll try to keep you updated. Though I won't make any promises... I'm finding it harder and harder to find the time to write and post. I'm gonna work on it, though! Maybe...