Coming To Terms

Well guys, I've moved into my new place in San Francisco and I could not be more pleased with this move. I live about 10 minutes from work, my grocery store is about a 12 minute walk, there are a lot of really cool cafes, restaurants, movie theaters, etc. within a few blocks. I'm one block up from Golden Gate Park, about a mile walk down to the beach, and I really like my new home :) It's taken a good bit of stress out of my daily life with the elimination of an hour long commute and I really feel more independent now than ever! It's still kind of mind-blowing to me that I actually live in San Francisco, but I absolutely love it. I'm saving so much money on gas, no more bridge tolls (I was losing about $30/week in bridge tolls), and most importantly, I get to sleep an hour later than I used to. That is a big, big thing. I no longer feel the need to nap while Sunny naps anymore because I'm a lot more well-rested. This was a good move, guys. 

I'm also doing a little better anxiety-wise. With all of these improvements, I've found a little more peace in my daily routine. I've been able to begin running again now that I'm home before the Sun goes down and I finally have a place to do so again. I haven't spent enough time in my area of the park to know which path I'm gonna run, but it's so big that I can change it up fairly often. I'm still seeing my therapist which is such a great time during my week to just talk about everything with someone who knows what questions to ask. She makes it possible for me to look a little deeper into the core issues of what's keeping me anxious. I've been able to let go of a lot of what's tying me down to food. I'm feeling a little less guilty for eating than I was before. Basically, the obsession with calories that I had formed while losing weight has come to back to bite me. My mind has created a sort of hybrid eating habit in which I'm overly-aware how many calories I'm consuming, but I don't feel guilty eating until after I've already consumed the food. I have one side telling me to just eat it and then another side metaphorically slapping my hand for it. Then there's this other side that's making me feel remorse and guilt for eating anything. Ever. That's not a healthy thought-process. Even when I'm eating something healthy, I feel guilty. When I do well during the morning and then screw it up in the afternoon or at night, I feel like I have completely failed. I have poor body image, I have guilt for feeling that way, and I have guilt for doing something that keeps me alive such as eating. 

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to afford to keep seeing my doctor regularly, which makes me sad, but I will try to continue to see her at least once a month. I walk out of that office feeling as if I've gotten something off my chest, like I've released a balloon filled with those anxious thoughts and let them go forever. It's a freeing feeling to not care so much, but I will always care too much. That's just in my nature. I feel deeply, I'm ultra-sensitive, and I have an anxiety disorder. It's not something that you cure and it goes away forever, but it is something I can treat and learn to cope with in a healthy way. Speaking of disorders, she called what I have an eating disorder. I knew that it fell into that category, but hearing her say it out loud made it incredibly real and kind of hit me hard. Food addiction is an eating disorder and I have it. When most people hear "food addiction", they think that it's just loving to eat, over-eating, etc. But it is SO much more than that. It is waking up and immediately thinking about what you're going to eat, feeling hungry for your next meal while you're still eating a meal, having trouble thinking about anything else ever. It is an all-consuming thought revolving around food and eating. Some days it is all that I can think about. Literally. It's hard to live when you feel the need to plan your life around when and what you eat...

When I'm busy, I'm better. When I'm at work, I can control myself better and it's not all I think about because, let's be real, I'm playing with a toddler all day...There's no time to think about much else...When I have a day off with nothing to do, I eat out of boredom, and of course, feel horrible (to the point of actually crying) about it. I try to get out and do something just to occupy my time and my thoughts to keep from feeling overwhelmed by it. It usually works, but not always. Right now I'm working on, more than anything else, trying to eat without guilt. I can eat a salad and still feel bad about it because I feel like it's too much. I'm working on eating only when I need to, when I'm actually physically hungry. I'm working on not feeling physically ill when I eventually add up the amount of calories I've consumed. I'm not saying I'm going to completely forget about eating healthy food in healthy portions, but I am working on only eating when I need to and not feeling bad about it. It's going to be a long road, but I feel like I'm more prepared for it now. I feel that I'm finally getting myself under control in not only the food department, but also with anxiety in general. I'm trying to stop telling myself that what I'm thinking is silly and stop judging myself for thinking the way that I do, to stop being so self-deprecating. It's not only an emotional issue, but also a chemical imbalance. I can work on coping and dealing with it, but it will never completely go away. It will always be there no matter how much I try to suppress it because it isn't something that can be suppressed. And I'm finally coming to terms with that.