Sometimes Seeking Help Is Okay.

It's been a while and I'm not sorry. I honestly have not been doing well and that's probably the reason I haven't updated. My anxiety and depression have kind of overwhelmed me over the past couple of months and even more so in the last few weeks. I'm going to be seeing a therapist in the next couple of weeks and I could not be more ready for it (I was supposed to see her this past Friday, but I ended up having to cancel). Sometimes it's OK to admit that you need help, that you can't fix it on your own, that you want to get better but can't figure out how to make that happen. I know there is a bit of a stigma associated with going to therapy, but I don't care. I just want to get back on the path to being healthy, both physically and mentally. This particular therapist specializes in generalized anxiety disorder and in eating disorders, including food addiction. One of the biggest problems with my anxiety is that when it's this intense, I tend to have a harder time controlling my addiction and will power and is one of the biggest reasons that I want to get real help. I have a huge support system in my life from my family to my friends to my amazing boyfriend, but sometimes I feel that I don't really have someone to talk about certain things with. To be able to discuss my problems openly with someone who can not only help, but can also empathize and sympathize is something that I'm sorely lacking in my life. I have amazing people I can talk to who are awesome listeners and I am so grateful for that, but I'm seeking help in order to learn how to suppress my anxiety and worry throughout my daily activities. It's been a rough few months and I'm ready to move on!

For those of you who don't know a ton about me or haven't been following for very long, I'll give you a bit of a background. I've been dealing with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and depression for most of my life, starting around age 12-13. The best way that I can describe GAD is like having hundreds of tabs open in your internet browser all the time. It's like trying to read 15 books at once. It's like trying to concentrate on a movie while the radio is on and someone is also trying to have a conversation with you. It's almost impossible to concentrate on any one thing because my mind is constantly racing and jumping between subjects and not focusing on any one thing. And about 75% of it is focused on negative issues going on in my life that I really don't have much control over. The other 25% is worrying about completely unimportant and insignificant things that really should have no impact on my life. It's all very exhausting both mentally and emotionally. I tend to let too many things build up internally for too long and then have a bit of a nervous breakdown of sorts which only furthers depression and more intense emotional breakdowns. In the past, I'd learned to kind of not focus on any issues and just ignore the problems completely, but this is also a horrible way to cope because it becomes a kind of avoidance. I'm hoping that with therapy I'll be able to learn techniques to deal with my internal thoughts and anxieties as they come and not let them pile up. I'm hoping to learn to express how I'm feeling and not just keep these thoughts to myself.

These anxieties and fears have actually managed to manifest into physical panic, not quite panic attacks, but headaches, dizziness or even increased heart rate at times. I wish more people realized that having anxiety isn't just simply being worried or nervous. It's so much more than that: it's waking up and automatically beginning to worry about whether or not there's enough time to do this or that before I have to leave, or wondering if I'm going to make it to work on time even though I've allowed myself more than enough time and usually end up being early. It's having racing thoughts about whether or not I'll have enough money until I'm paid again. It's leaving the house and immediately beginning the countdown of how many minutes or hours until I can be alone again. It's irrationally worrying about how many social interactions I'll have to make throughout the day. It's not sleeping through the night because my body and mind are so tense and frazzled that it's impossible to completely shut down. It's not being able to enjoy a lot of things because I can only focus on what's going to happen next instead of what's going on right now. It's missing out on a lot of things because the thought of having to spend time with other people makes me feel physically ill, frantically trying to come up with an excuse not to hang out with this person or go do this just because I don't want to have to go out in public. It's focusing on every single tiny insignificant detail of every single tiny little thing and assuming that others do the same to me when, in reality, most people don't notice even 30% of what I focus on. There's so much more to anxiety than just feeling nervous or uptight. It can become debilitating and I've almost reached that point in the past few weeks.

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about social anxiety/introversion is that we're anti-social or socially awkward when it's almost completely opposite. Once I'm out and with people, I'm completely fine. I am talkative, friendly, charming, engaging, and well-spoken for the most part. It's the mental work-up beforehand that's the issue. If I have to go somewhere I know I'll have to talk to people, it is incredibly hard for me to work up the will power to actually leave the house to do it. I've literally driven to classes, parked my car, and sat in the parking space for 5 minutes before deciding to turn around and go back home rather than sit in a classroom with other people where I may have to interact. Like I said, once I'm in the situation, I'm fine. But getting myself to that point is almost impossible sometimes. And more people need to realize that having GAD is not an obvious condition, it's an internal battle that is hard fought. It is getting slowly better and I'm not quite as anxious as I was just a couple of weeks ago, but sometimes I have a hard time really letting myself just live one day at a time. It's hard for me to not look as far into the future as possible and panic about things coming up.

I'm not trying to sound like some victim who is fighting some serious disease or anything, I'm just trying to express to others what a lot of people struggle with on a daily basis. There are many of us who choose not to acknowledge this issue or just simply choose to keep it to themselves, but I think it's something more people should be aware of. Not everyone who suffers from these issues is on the same level, there are different extremes with anxiety disorders, but no matter how mild or how intense the issue, it's something that is really difficult to live with. For many years I've dealt with it in my own ways and sometimes it works, but for the past couple of months, it has become overwhelming and almost crippling. I will say that my circumstances have improved greatly over the last month or so. I have an AMAZING job that I genuinely enjoy going to with a family who is so great and so awesome to work with! They live in the Outer Sunset in San Francisco which is close to the Pacific on the Golden Gate Bridge/Park side of the city. And guess what: I'm moving into a house just a few streets away in almost the same neighborhood! That's right, I'm moving into San Francisco in 1 month. I am SO excited, y'all. It took me a year, but I'm finally moving into the city. 

That's another thing: it's actually been a full year since I made the huge move out here from Birmingham. Where has the time gone?! It feels like I've been here for a few months, not a freaking year!!! Crazy. But what an amazing year it has been...I made a huge change, moved away from home, have grown quite a bit, have learned a lot, have had so many new and amazing experiences, met my love and have been with him for almost a year as well, and have had such a blast this year. It all still blows my mind, though. Every time I drive over the Golden Gate Bridge to go to work or walk around in Golden Gate Park (which I will be living about a block from...) or walk through Union Square or drive around in Berkeley or hang out in Oakland with John, I'm just amazed that it's my life. It's not some long, extended vacation, I actually live here and see these things all the time! I'm still blown away by it all every single day. I don't think it will ever get old, either. No matter how down I'm feeling, just looking around where I am makes everything seem just a little bit better.

I promise I'm OK, I'm just trying to get everything figured out with my mental state at the moment. My poor cuticles need me to get help because they're getting destroyed every day. I tend to pick at them non-stop when I'm feeling anxious and, as I have explained, that's pretty much 100% of the time right now. Eesh. I'm trying to deal with it all and just live, but it's not easy. I'm working on it and I'm looking forward to returning to that less anxious, more worry-free version of myself. I miss her.