Understanding Anxiety: For Sufferers and Supporters

Anxiety. 

To most people, that's just a word that means that they're feeling anxious, or eager, or nervous about something. To someone who suffers from an anxiety disorder, it's the dark rain cloud that they see and feel when they wake up. It's the elephant-sized feeling of dread sitting on their chest when they have to force themselves to do normal things. It's the thousands of open tabs running in their mind when they're trying to go to sleep at night. Anxiety is not something that disordered minds feel or get every now and then, it's a way of life and thinking that can sometimes feel all-consuming and not easily controlled. 

I want to talk about this not just to let other sufferers know that they're not alone, but also to raise awareness to those who may not know as much about it. Since it's mental health week, I thought now was as good a time as any to share a little about what it's like to suffer from this, what you can do to understand, and things you can do to help. 

A little about my own story: I've been dealing with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which includes social anxiety) and Depression since I was about 12 years old. I'd always been shy, but the older I got, the worse it got and turned into an ongoing cycle of hating myself, hating that I couldn't just be OK with things, that I couldn't go with the flow, that I felt unsure of just about every aspect of my life. I hated that anytime I had to make a decision, I based it on what others might think because I valued their opinions over my own. I was always self-conscious, overly aware, and overthought every. single. thing. None of that has changed, but I've learned to cope and to keep it at bay when I'm feeling overwhelmed. 

1. We know that, for the most part, we're being irrational. We're aware that it doesn't make much sense, but that doesn't make it any less real for us. In the moment, whatever it is that's causing us strife can feel life-threatening and there is no way to really explain that feeling to someone. But also know that just because we're not outwardly or obviously panicking, that doesn't mean that we're not freaking out on the inside. 

2. Telling us to "get over it", "just calm down", or "I get anxiety sometimes, too" are things that are literally the opposite of what you should say to us if we're going through a rough patch. Like I said, we know that it's probably irrational or may seem silly, but just being there with us and helping us focus on something to help us redirect ourselves is enough. When people say "oh, yeah, I get anxious sometimes too!", it really makes us feel that our problems are inferior and don't matter. Being anxious or eager about something is not the same as being plagued with the overwhelming feeling that your whole world will fall apart at any moment because of this one tiny little thing that you're over-focusing on. Obviously, yes, everyone feels the effects of anxiety sometimes, but sufferers often see it as a potentially life-altering thing. 

3. Now, for my fellow-sufferers; You are not your disorder, but if you're bottling up your feelings about things, your anxiety will feed upon itself even more. I know that sometimes it's hard to let yourself be vulnerable because, if you're like me, you probably assume that people are going to judge you or look down on you. But I can promise you that talking about it out loud with someone makes a huge difference. I'm fortunate enough to have several people in my life that I can talk to about my anxiety issues, but I know that not everyone does. If you have the means to see a therapist, do it! I did for a while and I got a lot out of it. 

4. You're not alone. So many people have these types of disorders, but don't let that make you feel that you're not worthy of the attention and help that you deserve and need. If you feel that just talking about it isn't enough or your anxiety is so severe that you can't function, you might need to consider medication. Medication isn't always the answer, but, for some, it can improve the symptoms greatly. I, personally, choose not to medicate simply because I've never found a medication that helps my anxiety without completely eliminating my personality. If you and your doctor do, however, find the right mix of prescriptions, by all means, take it! 

5. If you have panic attacks, I can empathize. I developed panic attacks over the last two years and I know how incredibly terrifying it can be. To feel completely out of control of your body, your mind, and emotions is one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced. I had one just this past weekend when my boyfriend and I were attempting to attend a Christmas event here in San Diego that was way more crowded than I had anticipated. We walked around for a few minutes and then suddenly that familiar yet unwelcome heat crept up my neck and onto my face and head, my heart raced uncontrollably, and I couldn't catch my breath as my throat began to close up. I immediately started crying, needed to sit down, and had to take deep breaths for several minutes before we could leave. He knows that when I say that I need to sit down that I mean as soon as possible. I couldn't imagine being alone during an attack...Figure out, if you can, what triggers them and what you can do to get your head back on the ground. Focus on your breathing, focus on something around you that you can use to help get your mind off of what may have caused the attack. Most of all, stay as calm as you possibly can. Sit down, close your eyes, and relax. You will get through it. This is temporary. Repeating that to myself helps so much.

6. While I know that the prospect of having an attack while you're in public seems completely terrifying, don't let it keep you from living your best life. I could easily become agoraphobic and stay inside forever, but I know that in the long run that wouldn't make me happy. As much as I hate that I have to hype myself up and pretty much force myself out the door for most things, I know that there is a greater chance of me having a good time than having an attack. Yes, that chance does make me choose activities more carefully, but I know that I would rather bet on a good day than an attack. I repeat: Don't let it keep you from living life. 

7. You have to fight for the life you want to live. Anxiety disorders can't really be cured, but you can learn to cope. I have my own tricks to help me live more fully, so if you can find your own, you can have a better quality of life. I may not sleep well every night, I may get headaches or stomachaches, I may cry at the drop of a hat sometimes, but I know that those things just come with the territory. Some days I feel excited about life and want to get out and just go and do and see, almost in a manic state. And some days I have a hard time getting out of bed, or opening the door, or going grocery shopping, or keeping myself from crying. But I still try, as hard as it may be sometimes. If I can do it, you can do it. Surround yourself with support and remember that you are not your disorder. It won't always be easy, but just remember to talk about it, breathe, and try your best to fight against the urges to give in. You can do it! If you are reading this as a supporter and not a sufferer, please remember that just being there is what we need most. Listening to us is enough. Holding our hand when we need to calm down is enough. Your support is enough. 

Something That Works

My therapist and I have begun to move out of assessment and into actual problem solving and I gotta tell ya, I feel great. My assignment after Thursday's session was to figure out a meal plan that has flexibility and more calories. This means that I needed to find a way in which to keep track of my caloric intake without restricting to so few calories and keeping myself from eating when I'm actually hungry and then binging later because of it. I remembered doing ediets years ago in high school and it was actually pretty successful, so I went back to it to see if it was something worth doing again and it is totally worth it. This plan gives you suggestions for meals and helps you to balance out your protein, grain, fruit, and vegetable intake in order to keep you full and provide the correct amount of each group. When you pick something to add to your meal plan, it gives you other suggestions that would be good balanced pairings. It also gives you a weekly grocery list to make shopping for it easier/

So, I tried this yesterday and it was hugely successful! Because I was actually eating the amount of calories suggested for my height/weight, goal weight, and exercise level, I wasn't ravenous. Because I wasn't limiting my calories according to each meal, I was able to eat freely when I was actually hungry. I was still trying to keep up that strict/restricting eating style that was basically causing me to starve myself. Alright, so here's how my day was: By planning out my food according to an entire day and not just by meal, I had all of this food with me that was included and planned for without leaving my body feeling so hungry. For breakfast I had oatmeal, a banana, orange juice, and coffee. In my lunchbox (I think I need a bigger one now, by the way), I packed lettuce, a can of tuna, an orange, an apple, a yogurt, strawberries, peanuts, a boiled egg, and a coke zero. Without limiting myself and saying this food gets eaten at this time, I felt free. I could eat any of those items at any time of the day and that felt good. I knew that I had enough food to get me through the day, therefore I didn't feel the need to eat other random things because I was so hungry. So for lunch, I did a salad with the tuna, plus the apple, peanuts and the coke zero. A couple of hours later, I had the orange and boiled egg and then a couple of more hours later I had the strawberries cut up in the yogurt cup. And for the first time in months, I wasn't starving when I got home from work. Speaking of, when I did get home I wasn't so hungry that I couldn't wait to cook, so I prepared brown rice, sauteed a cup of mixed veggies, grilled chicken breast with avacado on top and I didn't feel the need to binge on something unhealthy at 10pm like I usually do. So much success yesterday. And ya know what? I woke up, weighed myself, and found that I lost 2 pounds. Score.

I cannot even begin to explain to you what a relief this is. I feel less tied down to food, less restricted, and so liberated! I was still thinking about food yesterday mostly because it was the first day trying this, but it wasn't a "good Lord, I have to eat right now" thought process. It was more of a "I wonder which of these many things I'm going to eat next!" kind of thinking. A lot of anxiety has already been lifted and since moving: the stress of a long commute is gone, money woes are all but eliminated, and being able to work exercise back into my daily life has improved my overall mood. I'm still working on my social anxiety and being able to go out in public without feeling overwhelmed, but it has most definitely been greatly improved. I don't feel quite as much shame in my appearance and I feel more mentally stable with everything. I just feel relieved and that's a really good feeling. I feel like this is something I can keep up and not feel like it's a diet. I've discussed lifestyle change before and I'm having to force myself to get back to that kind of thinking. I have to change back to the way that I used to think about portions and balance. But I have to figure out how to do this without letting it take over my life and become an obsession again. It may be hard to do, but I'm going to work really hard to do this. 

I am so glad that I started seeing my doctor. She has already helped me tremendously and I feel such relief in many facets of my life. Having her there to talk to each week and get advice from has really helped me to figure out what I need to do and how to improve the quality of my life. I know on the outside that everything seems so great and that I have this amazing life, and I do, but on the inside there is a constant battle over how I want to feel and how I actually feel. I have this outward persona of someone who's happy and positive, but the truth is that I deal with this anxiety and depression on a daily basis which is incredibly exhausting and annoying. I'm working so hard on getting my inside persona to match my outside persona. It's not easy, but it's gotta happen because I'm too tired to keep it up. It's getting better. 

Coming To Terms

Well guys, I've moved into my new place in San Francisco and I could not be more pleased with this move. I live about 10 minutes from work, my grocery store is about a 12 minute walk, there are a lot of really cool cafes, restaurants, movie theaters, etc. within a few blocks. I'm one block up from Golden Gate Park, about a mile walk down to the beach, and I really like my new home :) It's taken a good bit of stress out of my daily life with the elimination of an hour long commute and I really feel more independent now than ever! It's still kind of mind-blowing to me that I actually live in San Francisco, but I absolutely love it. I'm saving so much money on gas, no more bridge tolls (I was losing about $30/week in bridge tolls), and most importantly, I get to sleep an hour later than I used to. That is a big, big thing. I no longer feel the need to nap while Sunny naps anymore because I'm a lot more well-rested. This was a good move, guys. 

I'm also doing a little better anxiety-wise. With all of these improvements, I've found a little more peace in my daily routine. I've been able to begin running again now that I'm home before the Sun goes down and I finally have a place to do so again. I haven't spent enough time in my area of the park to know which path I'm gonna run, but it's so big that I can change it up fairly often. I'm still seeing my therapist which is such a great time during my week to just talk about everything with someone who knows what questions to ask. She makes it possible for me to look a little deeper into the core issues of what's keeping me anxious. I've been able to let go of a lot of what's tying me down to food. I'm feeling a little less guilty for eating than I was before. Basically, the obsession with calories that I had formed while losing weight has come to back to bite me. My mind has created a sort of hybrid eating habit in which I'm overly-aware how many calories I'm consuming, but I don't feel guilty eating until after I've already consumed the food. I have one side telling me to just eat it and then another side metaphorically slapping my hand for it. Then there's this other side that's making me feel remorse and guilt for eating anything. Ever. That's not a healthy thought-process. Even when I'm eating something healthy, I feel guilty. When I do well during the morning and then screw it up in the afternoon or at night, I feel like I have completely failed. I have poor body image, I have guilt for feeling that way, and I have guilt for doing something that keeps me alive such as eating. 

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to afford to keep seeing my doctor regularly, which makes me sad, but I will try to continue to see her at least once a month. I walk out of that office feeling as if I've gotten something off my chest, like I've released a balloon filled with those anxious thoughts and let them go forever. It's a freeing feeling to not care so much, but I will always care too much. That's just in my nature. I feel deeply, I'm ultra-sensitive, and I have an anxiety disorder. It's not something that you cure and it goes away forever, but it is something I can treat and learn to cope with in a healthy way. Speaking of disorders, she called what I have an eating disorder. I knew that it fell into that category, but hearing her say it out loud made it incredibly real and kind of hit me hard. Food addiction is an eating disorder and I have it. When most people hear "food addiction", they think that it's just loving to eat, over-eating, etc. But it is SO much more than that. It is waking up and immediately thinking about what you're going to eat, feeling hungry for your next meal while you're still eating a meal, having trouble thinking about anything else ever. It is an all-consuming thought revolving around food and eating. Some days it is all that I can think about. Literally. It's hard to live when you feel the need to plan your life around when and what you eat...

When I'm busy, I'm better. When I'm at work, I can control myself better and it's not all I think about because, let's be real, I'm playing with a toddler all day...There's no time to think about much else...When I have a day off with nothing to do, I eat out of boredom, and of course, feel horrible (to the point of actually crying) about it. I try to get out and do something just to occupy my time and my thoughts to keep from feeling overwhelmed by it. It usually works, but not always. Right now I'm working on, more than anything else, trying to eat without guilt. I can eat a salad and still feel bad about it because I feel like it's too much. I'm working on eating only when I need to, when I'm actually physically hungry. I'm working on not feeling physically ill when I eventually add up the amount of calories I've consumed. I'm not saying I'm going to completely forget about eating healthy food in healthy portions, but I am working on only eating when I need to and not feeling bad about it. It's going to be a long road, but I feel like I'm more prepared for it now. I feel that I'm finally getting myself under control in not only the food department, but also with anxiety in general. I'm trying to stop telling myself that what I'm thinking is silly and stop judging myself for thinking the way that I do, to stop being so self-deprecating. It's not only an emotional issue, but also a chemical imbalance. I can work on coping and dealing with it, but it will never completely go away. It will always be there no matter how much I try to suppress it because it isn't something that can be suppressed. And I'm finally coming to terms with that.

Gettin' Better

I finally had my first session with the therapist and it went really well. I found it to be quite helpful just to even talk about everything out loud, especially with someone who has experience with these issues. She helped me to make a few connections and offered some fresh perspectives which I found quite comforting and validating. I've finally been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and, even though I knew that I had it, it was, in some weird way, comforting to hear it. I feel more at ease knowing that I'm not just imagining these issues, that I'm not just creating problems from nothing, even though that is basically my issue... I'm going to be seeing her again on Thursday and we're going to continue to discuss my problems and concerns and begin to work out a treatment plan and what techniques to implement into my daily life to try to ease my pain. 

I never really saw this as something that was painful, but as I began to cry while speaking to her, she commented on the fact that it seems like I'm in a great deal of pain and am frustrated. That is exactly how I feel and I never saw that. I've been dealing with this for so long that it has just become a part of life and something that is there. But saying these things out loud has made me realize that she's right, I am in pain. And good Lord, am I frustrated. I'm frustrated with the fact that I can't turn my mind off, that I can't just go with the flow, that I can't live without feeling weighed down by my anxiety. As we discussed my issues with sleeping and not being able to shut down, she said that she wants to give me the tools to improve the quality of life for me. I never thought of the quality of my life as negative, but it absolutely is. I have nothing to complain about in my life, but for some reason, I cannot seem to just simply life freely. Everything causes me anxiety. Even positive things. And I really hate that. 

One of the things that I want to work on most is becoming less self-deprecating. I didn't realize that I was, but as I spoke, she pointed out that I put myself down for feeling the way that I do. I tend to tell myself that it's silly when I have these thoughts, that I shouldn't feel this way, that I need to stop because it's dumb. That is absolutely the wrong way to look at it! Yes, I have these anxieties for seemingly no reason, but I do have them and it's not silly. It's unsolicited, but it's not silly. I over think, I bottle things up, and I explode in tears and crankiness. As long as I feel that it helps, I will continue to see this doctor. She's easy to talk to, she asks questions, and she sincerely wants to help. I left that office feeling just a little bit lighter and a little bit better. It had been a while since I had felt that way and it was amazing.

In other news, I move into my new place in San Francisco this weekend! Though, I am slowly moving in starting tonight when I'm done with work. I have quite a bit of my stuff in my car ready to be moved in later! I'll probably be completely moved in by the end of Saturday and I could not be more excited! I can't wait to get up an hour later for work and only drive for about 7 minutes to work. *sigh* It's so close! Tonight, John and I are going to go out for some St. Patrick's Day fun and then tomorrow, we're celebrating our one year anniversary :) Yep, you read that right. I, Rachel LaFollette, have actually been in a relationship for a full year. I never thought I'd see the day, either. But, here it is, and I could not be happier :) 

As things develop with my treatment and such, I'll try to keep you updated. Though I won't make any promises... I'm finding it harder and harder to find the time to write and post. I'm gonna work on it, though! Maybe...

Sometimes Seeking Help Is Okay.

It's been a while and I'm not sorry. I honestly have not been doing well and that's probably the reason I haven't updated. My anxiety and depression have kind of overwhelmed me over the past couple of months and even more so in the last few weeks. I'm going to be seeing a therapist in the next couple of weeks and I could not be more ready for it (I was supposed to see her this past Friday, but I ended up having to cancel). Sometimes it's OK to admit that you need help, that you can't fix it on your own, that you want to get better but can't figure out how to make that happen. I know there is a bit of a stigma associated with going to therapy, but I don't care. I just want to get back on the path to being healthy, both physically and mentally. This particular therapist specializes in generalized anxiety disorder and in eating disorders, including food addiction. One of the biggest problems with my anxiety is that when it's this intense, I tend to have a harder time controlling my addiction and will power and is one of the biggest reasons that I want to get real help. I have a huge support system in my life from my family to my friends to my amazing boyfriend, but sometimes I feel that I don't really have someone to talk about certain things with. To be able to discuss my problems openly with someone who can not only help, but can also empathize and sympathize is something that I'm sorely lacking in my life. I have amazing people I can talk to who are awesome listeners and I am so grateful for that, but I'm seeking help in order to learn how to suppress my anxiety and worry throughout my daily activities. It's been a rough few months and I'm ready to move on!

For those of you who don't know a ton about me or haven't been following for very long, I'll give you a bit of a background. I've been dealing with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and depression for most of my life, starting around age 12-13. The best way that I can describe GAD is like having hundreds of tabs open in your internet browser all the time. It's like trying to read 15 books at once. It's like trying to concentrate on a movie while the radio is on and someone is also trying to have a conversation with you. It's almost impossible to concentrate on any one thing because my mind is constantly racing and jumping between subjects and not focusing on any one thing. And about 75% of it is focused on negative issues going on in my life that I really don't have much control over. The other 25% is worrying about completely unimportant and insignificant things that really should have no impact on my life. It's all very exhausting both mentally and emotionally. I tend to let too many things build up internally for too long and then have a bit of a nervous breakdown of sorts which only furthers depression and more intense emotional breakdowns. In the past, I'd learned to kind of not focus on any issues and just ignore the problems completely, but this is also a horrible way to cope because it becomes a kind of avoidance. I'm hoping that with therapy I'll be able to learn techniques to deal with my internal thoughts and anxieties as they come and not let them pile up. I'm hoping to learn to express how I'm feeling and not just keep these thoughts to myself.

These anxieties and fears have actually managed to manifest into physical panic, not quite panic attacks, but headaches, dizziness or even increased heart rate at times. I wish more people realized that having anxiety isn't just simply being worried or nervous. It's so much more than that: it's waking up and automatically beginning to worry about whether or not there's enough time to do this or that before I have to leave, or wondering if I'm going to make it to work on time even though I've allowed myself more than enough time and usually end up being early. It's having racing thoughts about whether or not I'll have enough money until I'm paid again. It's leaving the house and immediately beginning the countdown of how many minutes or hours until I can be alone again. It's irrationally worrying about how many social interactions I'll have to make throughout the day. It's not sleeping through the night because my body and mind are so tense and frazzled that it's impossible to completely shut down. It's not being able to enjoy a lot of things because I can only focus on what's going to happen next instead of what's going on right now. It's missing out on a lot of things because the thought of having to spend time with other people makes me feel physically ill, frantically trying to come up with an excuse not to hang out with this person or go do this just because I don't want to have to go out in public. It's focusing on every single tiny insignificant detail of every single tiny little thing and assuming that others do the same to me when, in reality, most people don't notice even 30% of what I focus on. There's so much more to anxiety than just feeling nervous or uptight. It can become debilitating and I've almost reached that point in the past few weeks.

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about social anxiety/introversion is that we're anti-social or socially awkward when it's almost completely opposite. Once I'm out and with people, I'm completely fine. I am talkative, friendly, charming, engaging, and well-spoken for the most part. It's the mental work-up beforehand that's the issue. If I have to go somewhere I know I'll have to talk to people, it is incredibly hard for me to work up the will power to actually leave the house to do it. I've literally driven to classes, parked my car, and sat in the parking space for 5 minutes before deciding to turn around and go back home rather than sit in a classroom with other people where I may have to interact. Like I said, once I'm in the situation, I'm fine. But getting myself to that point is almost impossible sometimes. And more people need to realize that having GAD is not an obvious condition, it's an internal battle that is hard fought. It is getting slowly better and I'm not quite as anxious as I was just a couple of weeks ago, but sometimes I have a hard time really letting myself just live one day at a time. It's hard for me to not look as far into the future as possible and panic about things coming up.

I'm not trying to sound like some victim who is fighting some serious disease or anything, I'm just trying to express to others what a lot of people struggle with on a daily basis. There are many of us who choose not to acknowledge this issue or just simply choose to keep it to themselves, but I think it's something more people should be aware of. Not everyone who suffers from these issues is on the same level, there are different extremes with anxiety disorders, but no matter how mild or how intense the issue, it's something that is really difficult to live with. For many years I've dealt with it in my own ways and sometimes it works, but for the past couple of months, it has become overwhelming and almost crippling. I will say that my circumstances have improved greatly over the last month or so. I have an AMAZING job that I genuinely enjoy going to with a family who is so great and so awesome to work with! They live in the Outer Sunset in San Francisco which is close to the Pacific on the Golden Gate Bridge/Park side of the city. And guess what: I'm moving into a house just a few streets away in almost the same neighborhood! That's right, I'm moving into San Francisco in 1 month. I am SO excited, y'all. It took me a year, but I'm finally moving into the city. 

That's another thing: it's actually been a full year since I made the huge move out here from Birmingham. Where has the time gone?! It feels like I've been here for a few months, not a freaking year!!! Crazy. But what an amazing year it has been...I made a huge change, moved away from home, have grown quite a bit, have learned a lot, have had so many new and amazing experiences, met my love and have been with him for almost a year as well, and have had such a blast this year. It all still blows my mind, though. Every time I drive over the Golden Gate Bridge to go to work or walk around in Golden Gate Park (which I will be living about a block from...) or walk through Union Square or drive around in Berkeley or hang out in Oakland with John, I'm just amazed that it's my life. It's not some long, extended vacation, I actually live here and see these things all the time! I'm still blown away by it all every single day. I don't think it will ever get old, either. No matter how down I'm feeling, just looking around where I am makes everything seem just a little bit better.

I promise I'm OK, I'm just trying to get everything figured out with my mental state at the moment. My poor cuticles need me to get help because they're getting destroyed every day. I tend to pick at them non-stop when I'm feeling anxious and, as I have explained, that's pretty much 100% of the time right now. Eesh. I'm trying to deal with it all and just live, but it's not easy. I'm working on it and I'm looking forward to returning to that less anxious, more worry-free version of myself. I miss her.

I'll Be Better Soon

Wow, I have just become really bad at updating....I remember when I wrote daily....ah, good times, good times. So, I found a job. A really great job at that. I'm now working with a precious 18 month old little girl named Sunny who lives in the Sunset district of San Francisco, which is close to Golden Gate Park, the Pacific Ocean, Presidio, etc. It's a really nice, quiet area that I'm excited to be traveling to 3 days a week. Yep, I'm only doing Monday, Wednesday, Friday from about 8am to 6:30-7pm. While I will be making enough to live on, I'm in the process of trying to find a Tuesday/Thursday job as well just to fill in my week and make a little extra cash. I'd love to find something close by that would only occupy a few hours on those days, but I'll see what I can find. I'm really happy with this new family and feel that I may have finally found the right one. Their current nanny has been with them since Sunny was 3 months old, so that's a good sign that they're nice to work with. This nanny also had nothing but wonderful things to say about them, so I feel really good! I've worked a training-type shift, babysat for about 4.5 hours Sunday, and am doing another short shift with the current nanny on Wednesday afternoon before I begin officially on Friday. I feel really good about this job and I'm so excited to get started!

The only downside is that the commute is kind of long. However, I really think that I am going to relocate to Oakland (maybe Berkeley) when my lease is up in a few months. I really like living in this house and with my roommate, but I feel that this position is going to be long-term and would like to cut the commute as short as possible. And I mean, hey, living closer to John wouldn't be bad either ;) I am so ready to be making a steady living again. And this time it's for real...No guessing about how long I'll be at work, no more wondering if I'll get enough hours to pay for rent, no more and I'm incredibly relieved. I had a minor breakdown last week after letting all of the stress build up for too long, but I'm much better now, thanks to the amazing people in my life. But the stress has really taken its toll on me emotionally and physically. I haven't been able to motivate myself to exercise, to eat right, to control myself and I'm paying for it. I had 3 headaches over the course of a week, breakouts on my face constantly for the last few months, and stress eating. This is what happens when I don't talk about my worries enough.

I wish that I could find a new way to deal with my stress, but for now I just do what I've always done: ignore it and hope that it goes away. This is the absolute worst way to deal with any struggle. You can't better yourself or your situation without working at it. I know this and I hate that I know this and still do nothing to correct myself. It's one of the many character flaws of mine that I am trying to work on. I find it so much easier to hide, to become even more reclusive, to shield myself from furthering my anxiety. But in turn, the anxiety feeds upon itself from not dealing with it. I have always been anxious and, at times, crippled by anxiety. The problem is that I don't have the energy or motivation to get out and fix it. I need to be running again, to be out there burning calories, burning energy, getting myself back on a normal sleep-schedule, but it is so much easier to let myself stay inside and further my depression. Yes, depression. 

A lot of people think that depression is something that is triggered by a sad event or something like that. The truth is that most people who suffer from depression have a chemical imbalance, often times geneticially transferred throughout generations and I am one of those people. Several of the women in my family suffer from depression and we have all been through some really rough patches of lows. While I do have this imbalance, mine is often brought on by a series of negative events in my life and I subconsciously let things spiral out of control. This time it has come from a combination of being unemployed, being home with family for a long time and then leaving, not getting to spend as much time as I'd like with my boyfriend, not eating right (viscious cycle), not exercising, and feeling unstable in general (too many things floating up in the air). No matter how healthy I am or how happy I am, I will always deal with depression. I can seem happy in person, smile, laugh, carry on in normal conversation, but in my head, all I can think about is how much I'd rather be in my room alone watching a movie instead of dealing with people. I hide it all really well (another reason I believe I'd be a decent actress lol). A true introvert is social, chatty, and personable, but most of us have a hard time getting ourselves out there and into the social situations in general. Once I'm there, I'm all there and love a good time, but psyching myself up to get there in the first place, to actually walk through a door, is really, really difficult. Social anxiety is not a good friend. She's more a frenemy, if you will. 

I apologize for finally giving you an update and dumping all of this sad stuff on you. Sometimes I just have to talk about it, because as I said earlier, I bottle things up and then explode in a breakdown. I mean, I'm discussing this after the fact, but it still feels good to talk about. I'm still not great, but I have a feeling that getting back to work, fixing the way I'm eating, and exercising will really help turn my disposition around. Speaking of eating right, I was surprised to find that I've only gained about 6 or 7 pounds over the last 6ish months. I'm not proud of that, but I thought it would be worse....I'm doing my best, well not really, but I'm going to try to be better. I feel that when I'm like this, all I do is bring those around me down. I hate feeling that way and I really want to change it. I'm trying. I'm breathing and I'm trying. I'll be better soon :)

"...And Tomorrow Will Be Kinder."

It's been a while…I know…So hello, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year! For the last (almost) month, I was at home in Birmingham with my family and it was a wonderful, wonderful visit! I was able to spend time with all of the members of my family and, more importantly, I got to spend time with my precious nephew…Just, ugh. He's so darn precious…I mean, look at that face!!! 


I could not get enough of this kid…Anyway, there was a lot of family time, going out and doing stuff, eating at my favorite Birmingham restaurants, and just being home. But to my surprise, I began to feel homesick for California. I wasn't really expecting to, but towards the end, I was feeling too far away from my house, my routine, and my John. Though, he did come to Birmingham for a few days after Christmas which was really nice :) I finally returned this past Tuesday and am happy to be back to a somewhat normal schedule. 

I will tell you, I'm currently without a job. Yeah, so my employer in San Francisco decided to not have me back but didn't bother to actually tell me as much. After several texts with no reply, I began to look elsewhere. I was planning to do so anyway with things not really working money and commute-wise, but I wish that I had had more warning and time beforehand. I was relieved to not have to go back to a too-expensive commute and waking up so darn early, but I need money, yo. I had an interview with a family in Berkeley Wednesday and am waiting to hear from them, but there's also still the possibility of working full-time for a family who lives in Orinda (which is incredibly close to my house and would be paying a lot…like a lot..). I've spent time with them on more than one occasion, but their start date changed before the holidays and weren't sure they were going to need someone any time soon. However, the mother texted me today and said that they really like me and will let me know about their plans by this weekend. I've been contacted by a couple of other families in the last couple of days, but I want one of these two very badly. 

I gotta tell ya, I'm really tired of my livelihood staying up in the air. I'm tired of searching for new jobs, I'm tired of being lied to by employers, and I'm tired of being stressed about it. I am hoping and praying with all that I am that one of these two jobs will be offered to me in the next few days. The only good thing about not having work is that I can spend time with John on whatever off day he has. That's nice. However, I was smart enough to contact the woman in Tiburon (the night shift nurse I worked for in October that I spent overnights for) about possible work this month and she happened to need someone a few nights this week. I'm not freaking out yet because both of those jobs are still possibilities, but the closer we get to February rent, the more stressed and crazy I'm going to get…

Enough of the bad. I went for a run yesterday, guys. It's been quite a while. As in, I don't remember the last time I went. I did a 30 minute jog/walk, approximately 2 miles, and it sucked and felt amazing at the same time. My roommate actually motivated me when she went out for her own run. It reminded me that I really do love to run and that I miss it. Now that I actually have time, I'm getting back in to the habit, especially now that I won't have mandatory walking to work a few days a week. Also, it feels really awesome outside during the afternoon here, probably close to 60 degrees. Just wonderful. I've also restarted keeping better track of my caloric intake. It's been too long since I paid enough attention to what I put into my system. Over the holiday season, I definitely didn't really care about what I was eating and it was wonderful. But I also didn't go absolutely crazy with it either. It could have been a lot worse, trust. It could have been better. But it could have been worse. 

The real reason I didn't update much over the last couple of months is because I was pretty embarrassed that I wasn't doing well in terms of both eating habits and in my employment status. I'm still proving to myself that I'm stronger than I think I am every single day, but it gets really hard and it gets really taxing to dwell on what's going wrong. And that's why I try not to! Yes, I have to think about my responsibilities and money and such, but I also am getting so much better about not having anxiety about things that I don't have complete control over. I do have control over whether or not I live without fear and anxiety. I've always had a hard time not letting things build up and cause an eventual meltdown, but I'm getting so much better the older I get. There's no use in freaking out over every little thing and I'm always trying to keep myself in check. It helps that I have a wonderful boyfriend who is the best at helping me to forget bad things when he's around. He never fails to make me smile and laugh no matter how down I'm feeling :)

At one point while I was home, I had a thought: "I kinda like my size. I mean, I'm still a size 8, I'm still way smaller than I was two years ago. I don't really need to lose the rest of this. I mean, I don't look horrible. Maybe this is just the point I'm supposed to stay at…"
It was after this thought that I realized that I was becoming comfortable with being a little bigger again and it scared the absolute hell out of me. I immediately wanted to go outside and run 5 miles. I cannot let laziness and complacency dictate how I live and look. I don't want to stay this size, I don't want to continue to feel OK with not reaching my goal, and I don't want to continue to look in the mirror and not feel completely confident in what I see. My clothes still fit, but I'm not 100% comfortable and I'm absolutely not confident in myself. At all. I hate feeling this way and every time it happens I think "why do I keep doing this?!" I don't have to let this happen ever! I look at the pictures from our family photo shoot from last November and I see myself but a better version. I see the Rachel who cared about what she ate and the emotional impact that stemmed from that. I see the Rachel who was radiating with happiness and confidence. When I look at this year's, I don't see that same girl. I see a girl who has done everything she could to angle herself into more flattering poses, who's smile isn't quite as bright, and who's confidence level is down about 65%. I don't want to see this girl in any more pictures or in the mirror. 

I've never been one to make resolutions, but I am one to make goals. So, my goals for this year are simple: get back on track, finish what I started, and continue to live my life more freely. I will not revert to my old way of thinking in terms of stress and negative occurrences. I will reach my goal weight this year and I will continue to adapt to my healthy lifestyle. I fell backwards a good bit with that last part, but my goal is to completely slip back into that lifestyle that I once loved so much. I miss the way I felt knowing that I was eating healthy things. I miss the way I felt about myself. I miss the way I looked at myself in the mirror. I miss feeling good about myself. I don't hate the way I look, but I'm ready to get back to feeling incredible about myself. It's not just feeling good about the way I look, it's more about how I feel about the control I have over myself and my will power. It's about being strong and working hard. It's about pushing myself to be a better person, an inspiring and motivating person. I miss being that person to whom people look for advice about being healthy and getting started. I miss being someone who is admired for her accomplishments. I just miss the way I felt all over when I was that person. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly happy with my life here. When I'm at home, people constantly tell me how envious they are of my life and admire me for doing something different. I'm well aware that my life is awesome, but I'm not completely pleased with every aspect of it. When I finally get completely back on track and begin to feel good again, I will literally have nothing to feel down about in my life. And as we've discussed before, everything is connected. If I feel this good about my life without that aspect at 100%, when it does get back there, I may actually explode. I promise you that I will be that girl again. I won't be that exact girl again because I've grown and changed a good bit since moving here almost a year (seriously? almost a year? Didn't I just move here?!) ago, but I will be a new and improved version :) 

From the family photo shoot :)