Coming To Terms

Well guys, I've moved into my new place in San Francisco and I could not be more pleased with this move. I live about 10 minutes from work, my grocery store is about a 12 minute walk, there are a lot of really cool cafes, restaurants, movie theaters, etc. within a few blocks. I'm one block up from Golden Gate Park, about a mile walk down to the beach, and I really like my new home :) It's taken a good bit of stress out of my daily life with the elimination of an hour long commute and I really feel more independent now than ever! It's still kind of mind-blowing to me that I actually live in San Francisco, but I absolutely love it. I'm saving so much money on gas, no more bridge tolls (I was losing about $30/week in bridge tolls), and most importantly, I get to sleep an hour later than I used to. That is a big, big thing. I no longer feel the need to nap while Sunny naps anymore because I'm a lot more well-rested. This was a good move, guys. 

I'm also doing a little better anxiety-wise. With all of these improvements, I've found a little more peace in my daily routine. I've been able to begin running again now that I'm home before the Sun goes down and I finally have a place to do so again. I haven't spent enough time in my area of the park to know which path I'm gonna run, but it's so big that I can change it up fairly often. I'm still seeing my therapist which is such a great time during my week to just talk about everything with someone who knows what questions to ask. She makes it possible for me to look a little deeper into the core issues of what's keeping me anxious. I've been able to let go of a lot of what's tying me down to food. I'm feeling a little less guilty for eating than I was before. Basically, the obsession with calories that I had formed while losing weight has come to back to bite me. My mind has created a sort of hybrid eating habit in which I'm overly-aware how many calories I'm consuming, but I don't feel guilty eating until after I've already consumed the food. I have one side telling me to just eat it and then another side metaphorically slapping my hand for it. Then there's this other side that's making me feel remorse and guilt for eating anything. Ever. That's not a healthy thought-process. Even when I'm eating something healthy, I feel guilty. When I do well during the morning and then screw it up in the afternoon or at night, I feel like I have completely failed. I have poor body image, I have guilt for feeling that way, and I have guilt for doing something that keeps me alive such as eating. 

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to afford to keep seeing my doctor regularly, which makes me sad, but I will try to continue to see her at least once a month. I walk out of that office feeling as if I've gotten something off my chest, like I've released a balloon filled with those anxious thoughts and let them go forever. It's a freeing feeling to not care so much, but I will always care too much. That's just in my nature. I feel deeply, I'm ultra-sensitive, and I have an anxiety disorder. It's not something that you cure and it goes away forever, but it is something I can treat and learn to cope with in a healthy way. Speaking of disorders, she called what I have an eating disorder. I knew that it fell into that category, but hearing her say it out loud made it incredibly real and kind of hit me hard. Food addiction is an eating disorder and I have it. When most people hear "food addiction", they think that it's just loving to eat, over-eating, etc. But it is SO much more than that. It is waking up and immediately thinking about what you're going to eat, feeling hungry for your next meal while you're still eating a meal, having trouble thinking about anything else ever. It is an all-consuming thought revolving around food and eating. Some days it is all that I can think about. Literally. It's hard to live when you feel the need to plan your life around when and what you eat...

When I'm busy, I'm better. When I'm at work, I can control myself better and it's not all I think about because, let's be real, I'm playing with a toddler all day...There's no time to think about much else...When I have a day off with nothing to do, I eat out of boredom, and of course, feel horrible (to the point of actually crying) about it. I try to get out and do something just to occupy my time and my thoughts to keep from feeling overwhelmed by it. It usually works, but not always. Right now I'm working on, more than anything else, trying to eat without guilt. I can eat a salad and still feel bad about it because I feel like it's too much. I'm working on eating only when I need to, when I'm actually physically hungry. I'm working on not feeling physically ill when I eventually add up the amount of calories I've consumed. I'm not saying I'm going to completely forget about eating healthy food in healthy portions, but I am working on only eating when I need to and not feeling bad about it. It's going to be a long road, but I feel like I'm more prepared for it now. I feel that I'm finally getting myself under control in not only the food department, but also with anxiety in general. I'm trying to stop telling myself that what I'm thinking is silly and stop judging myself for thinking the way that I do, to stop being so self-deprecating. It's not only an emotional issue, but also a chemical imbalance. I can work on coping and dealing with it, but it will never completely go away. It will always be there no matter how much I try to suppress it because it isn't something that can be suppressed. And I'm finally coming to terms with that.

Gettin' Better

I finally had my first session with the therapist and it went really well. I found it to be quite helpful just to even talk about everything out loud, especially with someone who has experience with these issues. She helped me to make a few connections and offered some fresh perspectives which I found quite comforting and validating. I've finally been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and, even though I knew that I had it, it was, in some weird way, comforting to hear it. I feel more at ease knowing that I'm not just imagining these issues, that I'm not just creating problems from nothing, even though that is basically my issue... I'm going to be seeing her again on Thursday and we're going to continue to discuss my problems and concerns and begin to work out a treatment plan and what techniques to implement into my daily life to try to ease my pain. 

I never really saw this as something that was painful, but as I began to cry while speaking to her, she commented on the fact that it seems like I'm in a great deal of pain and am frustrated. That is exactly how I feel and I never saw that. I've been dealing with this for so long that it has just become a part of life and something that is there. But saying these things out loud has made me realize that she's right, I am in pain. And good Lord, am I frustrated. I'm frustrated with the fact that I can't turn my mind off, that I can't just go with the flow, that I can't live without feeling weighed down by my anxiety. As we discussed my issues with sleeping and not being able to shut down, she said that she wants to give me the tools to improve the quality of life for me. I never thought of the quality of my life as negative, but it absolutely is. I have nothing to complain about in my life, but for some reason, I cannot seem to just simply life freely. Everything causes me anxiety. Even positive things. And I really hate that. 

One of the things that I want to work on most is becoming less self-deprecating. I didn't realize that I was, but as I spoke, she pointed out that I put myself down for feeling the way that I do. I tend to tell myself that it's silly when I have these thoughts, that I shouldn't feel this way, that I need to stop because it's dumb. That is absolutely the wrong way to look at it! Yes, I have these anxieties for seemingly no reason, but I do have them and it's not silly. It's unsolicited, but it's not silly. I over think, I bottle things up, and I explode in tears and crankiness. As long as I feel that it helps, I will continue to see this doctor. She's easy to talk to, she asks questions, and she sincerely wants to help. I left that office feeling just a little bit lighter and a little bit better. It had been a while since I had felt that way and it was amazing.

In other news, I move into my new place in San Francisco this weekend! Though, I am slowly moving in starting tonight when I'm done with work. I have quite a bit of my stuff in my car ready to be moved in later! I'll probably be completely moved in by the end of Saturday and I could not be more excited! I can't wait to get up an hour later for work and only drive for about 7 minutes to work. *sigh* It's so close! Tonight, John and I are going to go out for some St. Patrick's Day fun and then tomorrow, we're celebrating our one year anniversary :) Yep, you read that right. I, Rachel LaFollette, have actually been in a relationship for a full year. I never thought I'd see the day, either. But, here it is, and I could not be happier :) 

As things develop with my treatment and such, I'll try to keep you updated. Though I won't make any promises... I'm finding it harder and harder to find the time to write and post. I'm gonna work on it, though! Maybe...