Lazy, Lazy, Lazy

Sometimes you just need a day to breathe. This is that day. I'm off until Tuesday morning and I kicked off the weekend in the best way possible: sleeping for 11 hours and then getting up (kind of) and doing nothing. Win. Adele took the kids to this thing in San Jose and won't be back until late tonight, so I have the house to myself for the day. That's just icing on the cake for me! Sometimes I really need to be completely alone with no one to talk to me, no one to ask me to do anything for them, no one to make noise; just me, my movies, and my bed. I am going to get out later, probably after dinner, for a walk around the neighborhood and that's the extent of it. The thought of getting out to that park and running for an hour makes me want to cry today. Last night I had some serious struggles trying to get through that run, but I pushed as hard as I could and at least got something done. But when I woke up this morning (almost afternoon), I found that I had actually lost a few ounces. Huh, interesting. I ran less and ate a little more. Maybe I'm getting closer to finding the right balance.

I'm going to be having my favorite food this evening: my pumpkin pancakes. I just could not be more excited! I haven't had them in months and now that Fall is right around the corner, I can't hold off anymore! I had a home-made pumpkin spice latte yesterday, pumpkin oatmeal for dinner, and a pumpkin smoothie for lunch today....Yep, it's that time again:

But seriously, it may be an addiction. No, it is. There's a feeling that comes with Fall and it makes me want to smell certain things, taste certain things, watch certain things, read certain things. This time of year makes me want to all of a sudden read everything Washington Irving and James Finimore Cooper have ever written, watch and read things set in the Hudson River Valley (I'm watching "The Last Of The Mohicans as I type...) and watch every Halloween themed movie out there. I want to smell burning leaves, hear the wind blow them off of the trees, see their colors. I wish it could be Fall all year round. But then I guess it wouldn't be so special, huh. 

Back to the lazy thing. I feel like I haven't just layed in bed and watched movies in weeks, so it was definitely over-due! I haven't changed out of my pajamas yet and I honestly have no plans to until I go for my walk. Why do that when no one is going to see me? And of course I'll be taking tomorrow and Sunday off from running. I'm sure I'll be doing some walking in Oakland, but it's much more leisurly. You have to recharge your batteries sometimes and there's nothing wrong with that. No one is Superman or Superwoman. As a human, you need to take time to let your body rest and rejuvenate! You must chill from time to time. Me today: no make up, hair in a bun, I mean damn, I haven't even put my contacts in yet! I might not....That's the beauty of these kinds of days. I recommend them to everyone. You run a serious risk of over-exerting yourself and setting your progress back when you don't take the time to let your body rest. Just trust me on this.

"Despite everything..."

I'm becoming less and less of a fan of the internet. There are a lot of not-so-great things happening in the world lately. Now, I'm not a political person and I won't pretend to know every detail of what's going on, but I can say that you don't have to let it get to you and drag you down. There is still good in the world whether you choose to see it or not. Most people, especially the media, tend to focus on the bad and what's wrong in the news, but we tend to forget that there are still really great things to look on in a positive light. Yes, there's war. Yes, there's poverty. Yes, it's an imperfect world. Ya know why? Because the human race is imperfect. These bad things will always be around no matter how hard we try to fix them, but we can still try. There's no reason to give up and give in to the evils out there. You can choose to be a positive light in this ever-changing, ever-darkening world. Why add to the bad?

I feel as though all I ever see on Facebook these days is negativity about politicians, celebrities, musicians, public figures, etc. and I gotta tell you, I can't stand it. I remember when Facebook first started and it was a much simpler place. People used it to share pictures, update friends on the goings-on in their lives, share knowledge, music, movies, books, what have you, but now people have taken it upon themselves to use it as a platform to voice their (at times obnoxious) opinions, especially about politics. I find, more often than not, that it usually completely alters my opinion of these people. I can't tell you how many friends I have hidden from my newsfeed based solely on this matter. I'm not talking about the people who share something every now and then. No, I'm talking about the people who post several times a day in what I can only assume is an attempt to sway others' opinions. Ya know what? You posted it on the internet. Congratulations. You shared something that may or may not even be fact. People believe what they believe, your internet article or political picture is probably not going to change anyone's mind. Seriously, though. Why can't it go back to being a place to share humor and life events? When did it become a battleground? And why are we continuing to argue over the internet like cowards and children? 

We are never all going to agree on any one thing. There will always be people protesting this and that and yeah, it stinks. But the reality is that this world is imperfect and always will be. But we don't have to continue to tear each other down for sharing our opinions either. Posting political or religious things shouldn't even be a negative thing, but negative people have made it that way. These are the people who argue for argument's sake, who thrive on putting others down in order to make themselves feel smarter or more superior. These people seem to believe that their opinion is the only right one. If people would stop attacking other people for thinking a certain way, we would all be a lot happier. Religious people are torn apart for expressing their faith, get "yelled" at, laughed at, made fun of, called idiotic. This is sad. There are some Christians (or who claim to be) who are complete nutcases and make us all look bad *cough- Westboro Baptist Church -cough*. Those people are absolutely out of their minds. But because the media and internet put so much emphasis and focus on the bad examples of religious groups, people think that's what all of their members are like. Depressing, really. 

Ya know what word gets thrown around the internet that I loathe? Ignorant Sometimes I think people use that word and think it means something along the lines of idiotic. "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." (name that movie) More often than not, when people are called ignorant, they've simply expressed their opinion and then get called racist, discriminatory, prejudiced, biased, etc. They could be incredibly well-informed, know exactly what they're talking about, but the opposing side will still claim ignorance because it goes against what they believe and it's easy to pull that card. What if I told you that someone can disagree with you without being a complete moron. Yes, there are racists and bigots, a lot of them. But just because an individual doesn't like you as a person doesn't mean they hate your race, your gender, your sexuality, your religion, whatever. Bottom line: everyone needs to just calm down. 

I love the internet and I hate the internet. It's incredibly helpful in so many ways but I believe that it is destroying society. People don't talk face-to-face anymore. Heck, people don't even talk on the phone anymore. Everything is digital, everything is electronic, everything is lifeless. People are so obsessed with telling people what they think about certain things that they're not really living their lives. People can't even stay off of the internet for as long as a drive down the street. Stop texting and driving, people. I mean seriously. There is nothing so important that it can't wait a few more minutes. It makes everyone nervous. You can live in reality for just a little bit and actually talk to someone and focus on real life. Now more than ever, I feel that we are failing. We are destroying ourselves from the inside out. And I fear that my children will have to live in a world full of nonsensical hate. And they will be living in a world where iPads, TVs, electronics in general will be raising kids. A world where an 8 year old gets an iPhone. Not my kids! I mean, seriously. Be a kid for as long as you can! Play! Step away from that screen! 

Just because everyone else is doing it doesn't mean you have to join. Be you, express yourself, but do it in a civil manner. Be positive. Don't perpetuate the stereotypes, the unsolicited hatred, the obnoxiousness, just live your life without doing harm to others. Have an opinion, but don't shove it in others' faces and down their throats. Nine times out of ten, yelling and forcefulness really just make you seem uneducated and uninformed. When you speak calmly, you sound more intellegent and people tend to listen more attentively. Be nice, be happy, be a good citizen, be a good person. Do what you can to spread positivity and laughter. I have a voice. I have an opinion, many in fact, but I choose not to force-feed them to other people. If someone asks me what I think, I'll answer. I guess I'm just a private person and I honestly don't want people to base their impression of me on what I believe religiously, politically, whatever. I want to make an impression based on my personality and actions. But maybe this is just me. I just want people to focus less on the bad and more on the good. There's still plenty of it out there, folks. Just keep looking for it and you'll see. Better yet, create it. 

Back To Work

So, as I was running this morning, I kept thinking to myself "self, why is it so much harder today? Why is this such a struggle?" I was so sure that I wasn't going to have the results that I was hoping for (my goal is to burn at least 600 calories every day). But when I was nearing the end, I looked at the stats and saw that I had done the same as that incredible run on Friday. Another 5.3 mile run and 702 calories burned. Even when I think I'm not doing as well, I end up doing more than I expect. Yesterday, I did 5 miles and burned 620 calories. I should have just finished it out to 700, but after 2 days off, I just could not push any further. I made up for today even though I was huffy, out of breath, a little ashmatic, hungry, hot, everything to qualify me to drive the struggle bus, but I pushed harder than I expected to and that feels better than the actual weight-loss.

THEN I was driving back to the house and decided to go ahead and park the car right out front of the school to pick Isa up at 12:30 rather than leave super early to get a close spot. I then walked back to the house, ate my lunch, cooled off, rehydrated, and just relaxed. Then I walked back to the school to get her and we drove back. I really liked this arrangement a lot not only because we got to leave so quickly with the car right there, but also because I was able to burn another 60 calories (from the car and back) to add to the day's results. 760 calories burned. That's crazy! I could probably stand to eat even more today, but I'm trying to test how this affects my body. I'll wait until tomorrow to weigh and see what happened. If nothing changes, I'll most likely add a few hundred calories to my daily meal plan. If there is some loss, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. Trial and error, guys, trial and error. You gotta figure out what works for you and your body. Use me as an example if you choose, but you have to figure out what you need to do for you! 

Not only did I get to do this awesome workout today, but it was after an amazingly rest-filled and relaxed weekend, one that I definitely needed. I was off-duty around 5:45 on Friday, so I went to John's with a home-made pasta dish in tow. It was delicious! It was Skinny Mac and Alfredo and you can find the recipe right here. The only addition I made was some chicken. You don't have to do that, but since we were eating it as the main entree, I added it to make it seem less like a side item. Seriously, guys. It was really, really good. If you follow the recipe, it's only 253 calories per 6 servings (that's a really big serving, by the way), but with about 4 ounces of chicken breast added, it's around 300-320 per 6 servings. It's a really good meal! We did a good bit of walking that night and that was after my amazing run that day, so I seriously probably ended up burning around 1,000 calories that day...whew!

On Saturday, I got to sleep in and it was spectac. Did some more walking after brunch, and even more rest. Sunday, we decided to go into the SF for lunch, so we walked to the BART station, rode the rain into the city, walked to the North Beach neighborhood (basically Little Italy), ate at a really cool place that had giant opened windows all along the street side, so it was like eating outside without the traffic of the people on the sidewalk. After lunch, we walked across the street to a place that sold gelato and lemme tell ya, it was worth the cheat. I had the smallest size, which was literally one single scoop, but that one single scoop was absolutely ah-mazing. I had the chocolate hazelnut and I savored every single mouthful of it. I didn't feel bad at all about splurging after all of the exercise from the previous days on top of the walk there and the walk we would be doing on the way back. After leaving heaven, I mean the gelato place, we just kinda wandered around, walked all the way through Chinatown, and then made our way back to Oakland. We decided we didn't wanna go back out for dinner, so we went to the grocery store and got spaghetti supplies. I made our dinner and then we relaxed and watched a movie. Always a good time in Oakland.

I was off on yesterday, so after sleeping in, I headed to Pleasant Hill to do some "idea shopping'. I don't get paid again until Friday, so I decided to just look around and see what else I want to get for/do to my new room. I did get some good ideas and I'm looking forward to finishing out my planning! After I came back home, I had dinner, relaxed for a while and then went for my run. Like I said, my body had some trouble after time off, but I did get to that 5 mile point and burned a lot, so it was definitely not a wasted effort. I slept really well last night, too. Like, really well. I feel asleep around 11:15 and didn't wake up one time until around 6:15 this morning. That's a really big chunk of time for me! I usually wake up at least one time before then. Of course, I'm tired all over again now, but that just means I'll sleep like baby again tonight! It's the little things. Even though for me, that's not little at all. I can't say it enough, being active is the miracle drug- the only miracle drug. My skin hasn't been this clear in a while, I'm sleeping amazingly, and my mood/energy is up! Not happy? Always feeling down? Exercise. Just walk 30 minutes a day and you'll see and feel the difference. But of course, pairing it with healthy eating is just going to intensify it. Not to sound like Nike, but just do it!

Oh, and did I mention that I'm going to have a four day weekend starting at around 5pm on Thursday? Yep, 5pm Thursday-5pm Monday OFF!!! Two unexpected on-call days for Adele means unexpected awesome for me!

You Cannot Dream Yourself Into A Character

Guys, I ran 5.3 miles in 1:09:40 burning 702 calories....When I told my mom, she called me a beast and that's exactly what I feel like! I don't know what came over me to work that hard, but something in the back of my mind told me to push. Instead of jogging for the entire route like I used to do months ago, over the past couple of weeks, I've switched to more of the HIIT (high intensity interval training) technique, which means that I walk for about 45 seconds, run hard for about 30 seconds, walk again, run, walk, run, you get the picture. And it is obviously quite effective. When I pace myself and jog for long distances, I think my body gets bored and doesn't burn as much because it isn't work quite as hard. With the intense intervals, my body is working hard, calming down, and then working hard all over again. It's tough, it keeps me out of breath, and it makes me feel stronger. I'm damn proud of myself.

Since I had such a great run, I'll skip the extra workout today. I think 3 times a week is good enough for that. I'm sleepy today, but my energy is way up because of that run! I love this feeling. I love feeling that I accomplished something. I love the feeling of knowing that I can do even better than I did before, that I can be better than myself. I don't compete with anyone but Rachel because I'm the only person who can bring me down or make me better. Days like this are not always going to happen, but I can keep working hard to try to outdo myself or at the very least, keep up with myself. 

"You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge youself into one." -Thoreau
Ain't that the truth. By besting myself, I'm getting closer to becoming the person I aim to be. I'm not a lazy, unmotivated, self-loathing person who just hopes that things will happen anymore. I've turned into the kind of person who makes things happen for herself and doesn't wait around for things to fall into place. I've grown up enough to realize that things don't just occur or happen to you, you have to work hard to receive and acheive what you want. I didn't get this far by sitting around looking at workout plans with pictures of skinny girls on Pinterest and wishing I could do and be that. I got up, put the fork down, and started working. No one told me to, no one made me, I just realized that I had to change the path that I was on. 

When I fell off track a few months ago, I wasn't one hundred percent sure that I could get back on, but then, with the right mindset, I just did it. I didn't wait around for someone to tell me that I needed to. I made the conscious decision to not give up on myself and to get everything back on track again. That's work. Hard work. Mindset is hard work and it is something that you have to control yourself. It's something that you have to concentrate on and really work at. This is not a piece of cake (mmm cake...wait). If you want to be a better version of yourself, you have to put in the effort. You have to make yourself become that person, whether it's losing weight, getting healthy, letting go of anger, learning to become more malleable and more laid back, becoming a harder worker, anything. Whoever it is that you want to be, you and only you have to decide on your own that you're going to do it. It does help to have an accountability partner in many of these endeavors, but you are the one who must to change and change the way you think. And don't you dare half-ass it, either. If you decide you're going to do something, do it. Don't overthink, just do. Commit and work. 

Anyway, I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend and make good decisions! I, for one, know that I'm going to be spending much of my weekend sleeping in, resting, and doing a whole lotta nothin'! I'll get back to running Monday evening, but until then, these muscles deserve a break! And now, let the resting begin :)

"Effort is only effort when it begins to hurt."

I am so sore...Tuesday, I wasn't able to get out and run so I did this ten minute workout that I found online: 50 jumping jacks, 15 squats, 15 push ups, 15 reverse lunges on each side, 15 dips done, a full set is all of this done three times. On top of that, I did my usual 300 crunches....Oh. my. Gosh. That was quite a workout. But I had to do something. It works your entire body, like, no muscle goes unflexed. Yesterday, since the kids are back in school (happy dance), I went out around 10 and did a four mile run. Because I was so sore, it was a struggle, but I burned 500 calories so I'd definitely say that it was worth it. I decided that doing at least 2 sets of that workout would be good for me, not only because I did less running, but also to keep my muscles working and burn a few more calories. Added up, I burned around 600 yesterday; the equivalent of a 5 mile run. I feel good about that. I'm really glad that I did as much as I did yesterday because we ended up going out for dinner to celebrate the first day of school. I made wise choices and enjoyed some super yummy shrimp, broccoli, and a salad. Good day :)

I'm still 10 pounds down and working hard to keep going, but it's a little disappointing that I haven't lost more yet. However, I can see a difference, especially in my tummy. I'm not feeling bloated and not feeling like it's sticking out and I just feel light. I can see some difference in my face, as well. I'm trying to follow MamaLaughlin's advice for not relying so much on the scale and that number. She has stopped weighing herself, heck, she's even gotten rid of her scale and is just judging her progress on how well her clothes fit and how she looks and feels about herself. I'm starting to realize that it's a good way to go. Yes, I still have a goal weight, but more importantly, I'm working toward that goal size. I'm still in an eight and the ultimate goal is to fit comfortably in a 6. Not sqeezed into a 6, but in a comfortable fit. I'll admit that it's really hard not to focus on the number on the scale, but I'm trying to let go of that at least a little bit. And ya know what? My clothes do fit better and I feel better in them. After all of these workouts and such, I know that I'm gaining muscle mass. I'm eating right, not cheating (too much), and I'm exercising my butt off (literally), so I know that I'm losing more than the scale would suggest. Darn that scale. Darn those numbers!

So, let's go back to the kids being in school. WOOOOOO! It's just that I'm the kind of person who absolutely must have alone time. I love hanging out with them, but I have to be by myself for a little while each day. For the entire Summer, that only happened at night before bedtime, but now I have the entire first half of the day to myself. *sigh* Their school kind of eases kids into kindergarten and that means that for the first month, Isa is only in school until 12:35, and then 1:30 for the rest of the year. I've never heard of a school doing this, and I gotta say that I'm not sure that I agree with it.....They're going to have to go full days eventually, just do it from the beginning to get them used to it! I know a lot of preschools do it, but I'd never heard of Kindergarten doing it...Oh well. I still have the mornings to be alone and get everything done that needs to be done :) 

I completed another 4 mile run today and burned 515 calories, 15 more than yesterday and I shaved off 6 minutes for the same distance. As tired and sore as I am, I can feel my legs getting stronger with the running and these workouts I've added. I had actually been looking for a good way to work my arms out and other areas of and this one is doing the job, I think. But for real, I'm tired....Adele has been on call this week, therefore I have had to work longer hours and was technically on duty over night on Tuesday. I'm not a fan of when she's on call because the kids miss her and I do work those longer hours, but I also love it because she always gives me an extra day added to my weekend to make up for it. Having Friday night, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off will really help me make up some rest for all of this work.

Adele also said that she'll actually be receiving the keys to the new house tomorrow which means we'll start moving pretty soon! I've got all of my decor ready for my new bathroom and even made a few changes/additions for my bedroom. I will of course post pictures when everything is ready. There are just lots of good things happening for me right now, y'all. And it's already feeling like Fall here! It's still pretty warm in the late afternoons, but up until about noon it's cooler and then from about 5-6, it's cool again for the rest of the day/night. I'm willing it to be Fall by wearing Fall clothes. It's my favorite season, my favorite wardrobe, favorite food (time to pumpkin spice all the things), just favorite everything. Yay FALL!!! I just hate that'll I'll miss it in Alabama, especially in Jacksonville. It is so incredibly beautiful in the area of the South. But hey who knows, maybe I will end up seeing some of it after all ;)

Naturally.

I had my best workout yet last night! 5.02 miles, 1 hour and 8 minutes, 635 calories burned!I shaved off about 7 minutes and burned about 20 more calories than my previous best, therefore, I did work. I love running in the evenings, but I'm looking forward to, starting tomorrow, running in mid-morning daily. I'm thinking around 10 will be my best bet. Yesterday, I had it in my mind that I was only going to do about 4 miles and call it a day, but something happens when I'm out there and I get going. The days that I decide to do less usually end up being the days I do my best. "Well, I've already done all of this, might as well go ahead and finish it out" is what happens. Adele is on call this evening, so there's a good chance that I won't get to go do my full run. I can't leave when she's on call in case she does get called back in, so if that happens, I'll walk around the neighborhood instead. Something's better than nothing! 

When I don't overthink, I do my best work. I've always had a tendency to worry, let anxiety take over, and just think too much. When I just do, I get it done. My motivation is just to continue on this path to become as healthy as possible. I'm currently working on cutting out more artificial sweeteners, namely Aspartame. Let's look at Aspartame for a second: 40% of it's contents is aspartic acid. ACID. It slowly eats away at you. It has also been known to cause detrimental effects to the nervous system, can cause seizures, fatigue (blocks glucose entry into the brain), headaches, abdominal pains, anxiety, depression, vision problems, sleeping problems, memory loss, etc...It literally slowly poisons you. I'm replacing anything that contains it with similar products that are sweetened either with sucralose or with stevia. Sucralose, is similarly made in a lab rather than naturally, but it's not quite as bad as aspartame. It doesn't cause the harmful side effects that the A word does. Stevia is natural and is basically the best choice, in my opinion, for sugar substitute. Wow, I miss real sugar...

If I have a choice between diet drinks containing aspartame or just drinking water, I'll go with water. I'm still not willing to waste calories on drinks. I'm just trying to lose weight and be healthy without causing further harm to my body. I'm so used to putting Equal in my coffee, tea, oatmeal, everything. But now, I'm using Stevia and ya know what? It's sweeter which means I don't have to use so much at a time. That's definitely a point in the pro column. The problem is, we have an entire unopened box of Equal in our pantry. I feel bad not using it, but I gotta stop! No more diet sodas. I'll miss you, Coke Zero :/ The good news is that more and more products out there are replacing the A word with the better stuff. For example, the yogurt that I eat every day for breakfast, put in smoothies, and use in various recipes has taken the A word out and put sucralose in! Thanks Dannon!

Ya see guys, it's not just about the calories, it's about eating the right things for your body, as well. Yes, I still focus on calories, but now I'm focusing now more than ever the quality of my calories. Almost all of the food that I eat every single day is organic. I feel better about consuming natural products knowing that there aren't so many preservatives and dangerious chemicals. Almost all food has some sort of chemical in it, whether you know or not, whether it's listed or not, so just focus on eating fresh and clean. The only way to know exactly what's in the food you're eating is by growing the darn stuff yourself! And as we all know, ain't nobody got time fa dat! Just eat the good stuff, y'all. I'm not saying go full on Paleo because, honestly, I find the idea of trying to eat an entirely Paleo, clean, chemical-free diet completely unrealistic. There's only so far you can go and only so much you can do....Just sayin'. 

Like I've always said to you, cook. Prepare your own food, cook your own meals, just do as much for yourself as you can. Of course eating at restaurants is a great thing 'cause, let's face it, it's so much more fun to have someone else cook for you. I'm just sayin' that it's easier to gauge what you're doing when you just do it yourself. Maybe that's just the "if you want something done right, do it yourself" mentality that I have, but I think I've had so much success thus far because I'm in control of what I'm doing. If you take control of your eating, you can be successful, healthy, and happy, too! Happy eating, y'all!

School's Back!

I did another 5 miler yesterday evening on top of some other activity, so in all, I burned around 700 calories hroughout the day. Unfortunately, I did all of that mainly in order to combat what I ate over the weekend...I definitely was not as disciplined as I normally am, so I felt the need to do extra to balance it all out. I'm hoping to do another 5 miles this evening after I'm off work, but this time after a day of healthy eating. Today and tomorrow are the last two days of Summer vacation for this house and I am excited. I just want to have some time to myself again! The biggest reason is that I'll be able to get my runs done during the day again and not have to worry about whether or not I'll get to do it at all! Thursday night, I was unable to get to the park to do my usual, so I did a two mile walk through the neighborhood. Yes, it's better than nothing, but I just don't get as much done. I'm happy to be able to get stuff done and what I need to do during the day again. 

So, Adele closes on the new house on the 26th and we'll begin the moving process shortly after. It just can't get here fast enough! I'm so ready for it. The longer we're in this house, the more I'm ready to get out of it. I don't get much privacy here and it's starting to weigh on me. Even if I'm off and don't have to be up early, it's almost impossible to sleep in if the kids are here because they wake up so early on their own. In the new house, I'll be so separate from the rest of the house that this won't matter as much anymore. Did I mention that I'm ready to have my own bathroom? 'Cause I am....I'm looking forward to decorating it and the fact that it will always be clean...Things will be where I leave them. My towels won't go missing. No more toys falling all over the place. Just....yes.

I was in a grumpy mood yesterday and the only explanation I can come up with is that it was a result of way I ate for the majority of the weekend. I didn't really eat an excessive amount of junk, but I definitely didn't eat the right way. When I have too much sugar or too many greasy items, I feel myself fall down a few rungs on the mood ladder. I hate that I know that about myself, yet I still let it happen sometimes. It's SO not worth it, but I felt much better after my run last night. Exercise is a miracle drug. That's a fact. It fixes almost everything. If I don't get to do it, I feel myself slip again. Getting out of the habit, even if for just a couple of days, affects everything. I'm so excited about not having to worry about whether or not I'll get to have a real workout. I'm excited about the "me" time during the day and the free time to run my own errands and of course now I'll have free time to get this upcoming school work done!

Speaking of school, I'm starting that class on September 3! As far as I know, everything is in order and ready for me to begin this online class. I gotta say, I'm proud of myself for finally making this happen again. As much as I hate school and wish I didn't feel the need to do it, I'm proud to know that I made this happen on my own, that I'm doing something to better my chances at a substantial living. I know that having a degree doesn't guarantee anything these days, but it does raise my probability for a comfortable life. I wish that I was already done with all of it and doing what I want to do, but this is right and happening at the right time. You can't live your life in wishes and hopes. You have to make things happen for yourself. If you wait around for good things to happen, you may be waiting your life away. To guarantee yourself of good things, you have to make sure you're doing everything that you can to ensure it. Everything else will fall into place.

At this point in my life, I feel thirsty for knowledge which is something that I haven't felt in a really long time! I want to learn and absorb more in whatever way that I can. I'm excited to take this class not only to get back into the school mindset, but also to just actually learn again. I've been learning many lessons in life experience over the past couple of years, but I'm ready to take in more book knowledge and gain the neccessary career tools. I know, you're thinking "who the heck wrote this?" But I promise that I'm being sincere about this. I'm ready for this new experience and for furthering my personal growth! I believe that education, any education, helps shape a person into the person he or she wants to be and I'm ready to keep growing and adapting :)

"Bouquets Of Sharpened Pencils"

I'm registered for a class! One of the introduction classes to Library Science. I can only afford one right now because, even though Adele offered to help pay for school, it's just too short notice to ask her for any kind of large sum of money. So, I'm just going to pay for this one myself. It's an online class and only lasts from September 3 through October 27, so it won't be too time consuming or interrupt my daily schedules. I'm still not completely certain of how sure it is that everything is worked out and such, but if everything goes through, I'll be back in school in just a couple of weeks! I'm so excited. Like, way more excited than I thought I would be. I hate school, I always have, but I'm so ready this time. 

I'm formulating some big plans for myself and I'm going to do everything that I can in order to see them followed through! I do eventually want to get a Bachelors and maybe eventually a Masters. Where? I'm not entirely sure yet. There honestly aren't many options in California for degrees in Library Science, so I may be finding myself somewhere closer to home eventually ;) This Associates degree only requires 19 credits, so I can knock it out in a few semesters depending on how many classes I can take at a time. I was growing so tired of not having a clear picture in my head of what I want to do for the rest of my life, but now I feel that I am a little more secure in my plans. 

I'm so ready for Fall! I love Fall, it's my favorite season *sigh*. I just hate that I'll miss Fall in the South. This will be my first Fall out here and I don't know what to expect...I know that it will be much colder judging by how chilly it already is pretty much all the time. I just know that it won't be as beautiful as it is in Alabama. I know the leaves won't turn the same way, the smells won't be the same, but I'm sure it will be beautiful nonetheless. I'm still adapting and changing in accordance with the weather here and what clothing I wear, but I think being back in school will make Fall even better for me this year. It makes me want to go shopping for school supplies and new Fall clothes! But I'm poor, so I'll hold off on that. I just wanna stock up on sweaters, boots, scarves, paper, notebooks, binders, and bouquets of sharpened pencils (if you know where the "bouquet" reference is from, you win). Did I mention that I love Fall? 

There really wasn't much point to this post, I just felt like sharing the news of my return to school! I'm excited to have finally figured things out and about getting started again. I miss taking notes and just learning new things in general. If I didn't write in a journal regularly, I think I might have forgotten how to write all together. It's been so long since I've had to do anything like it, so I'm glad that I kept it up! haha :) As things unfold and develop, I'll keep you in the loop. I feel so all over the place emotionally and mentally, but I'm trying my best to keep myself grounded and in a realistic state of mind. Thanks for sticking with me through all of my changes and developments, guys!

This Is Just A Chapter

I'm back! I didn't intend to not write while I was at home, but I was really busy for the entirety of the whole trip...but in the best way possible. I'm an aunt! Carter Duncan LaFollette was born early Tuesday morning, July 30. Yes, the day that I was to travel home...I knew he wouldn't wait for me...But it worked out for the best because I got to spend more time with him and also because my mom took a week off from work starting the day he'd be born, so I got the whole first week with mom and dad both at home with me. Quite a bonus. I did a lot while I was home and saw a lot of people, but it went by way too quickly. Like, waaayyyy too quickly. Now that I'm back, it feels as though I was never even gone...and that doesn't feel good. Is it December yet? 

First and foremost, the birth of Carter and getting to hold that precious kid was the highlight of the trip. He's perfect in every way and just could not be any more beautiful. He has my brother's nose and ears, but that child looks just like his mommy. They're both beautiful, so it really didn't matter who he'd end up resembling. I wish so badly that I could have spent even more time with him, but I'm grateful for all that I did get! Also because of his arrival, I was able to see grandparents without all of the traveling. I was happy to not have to spend too much time in a car when I only had so much time with everyone at home. 

The second most important thing was all of the eating...I was able to eat at all of my favorite restaurants and even tried a couple of new ones. I'm proud of myself and my control because I could have easily treated the trip like a vacation and gone crazy, but I didn't. Of course I splurged and ate my favorite dishes at said restaurants, but I was mindful of my choices and portions. I weighed myself this morning and I was quite happy to find that I only gained about a pound. Breaking even was the initial goal, but this minimal damage makes it much easier for me to get back on track. I did run while I was home for the first week, but it was not easy...I had forgotten just how humid it is down there...The first night that I went out there, it was about 9:45 and I came back in completely drenched in sweat. It was as if I had run through sprinklers the whole time. I don't sweat that much running at 2pm in direct sunlight here in Benicia...I spent the whole first mile just attempting to establish a good breathing pattern...

I didn't do as much the second week only because I simply did not have the time. I did more running around, painting furniture, staying with my sister, and just doing more. I did walk a fair bit, but I controlled my eating. I wish so much that I could have stayed in Birmingham for longer, but I am so grateful for what I did have. Now that I'm back, it's back to work, back to eating right, back to running daily, and just getting back into my routine. But I didn't waste much time getting back into the city. I had Monday off, so John and I went into San Francisco and found our way to this Mosaic staircase on the North end side of the city that's pretty close to the Pacific. It was absolutely beautiful. We walked to the top and found another set of stairs that took us even higher. Then, to our surprise, there was another set that went to the top of this hill. And my calves are still on fire....They were complete jell-o for the rest of the day, but the view at the top was pretty amazing. Worth the hike. And, hey, I burned some of that brunch off...

The kids start school on the 21st (next Wednesday), thank the Lord. Not that I don't love them, but I am ready for them to not be in this house all day, every single day...Also, now that Isa will be in kindergarten, I'll be taking them to the same school. No more dropping one off and then driving another 15 minutes to another school and then driving 15 minutes back. Both home at the same time, both on the same schedule, just yes. So much easier. I'm also actually trying pretty hard to get back into some classes myself this semester. There's a community college close by that offers some short-term classes that don't start right away and fall into my daily time frame, so I'm hoping to get into at least one or two. Another thing: I've decided that rather than journalism, I'm going to obtain a degree in library sciences instead. I know, you're thinking "what the heck do you do with that?" Well, the answer to that is that I'll work in a library. AKA Librarian. May sound boring to you, but I love books. I love handling books, smelling books, reading books, just everything about them. I don't know why it took me this long to realize that this was an option, but I wanna do it. So, there's that. 

I know a lot of you probably think that I change my mind a lot and you would be right about that. It has taken me quite a while to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life, but it's better to take my time to really figure it out rather than waste my time and money on other things. I strongly believe from my own experiences that not everyone is meant for school or just not meant to go to school directly out of high school. If I had considered doing something else for a year an option, I would have taken it immediately. Yes, I loved marching in Southerners. Yes, I am still super close with several people that I met at that school and I did learn a good bit in my English classes. But I was a complete failure at being a student during that time in my life. Another question you may have: "What's different about it this time?" The answer to that is that I am more mature, more prepared, and more ready over-all for this experience. I'm just ready.

I also don't look at it as an option this time. I'm going to be receiving help from Adele in paying for it this time around which means it's not my money to waste. I have to do my best and try harder because I have no choice. Either I do it right or I don't do it at all. But I feel that I have to do it. Yes, more and more careers are based on experience over degree these days, but there are still many fields in which you are guaranteed higher salary and better benefits with a degree plus experience. It's not gonna be easy, it's not always gonna be fun, but it's something that I have to do for myself! I'm also tired of people asking me about school. I wish people understood how embarrassing it is to have to answer questions about dropping out of school. It's embarrassing to tell people that I attended college for 4 years, but left with no degree. That I lived at home for 2 years and worked at a golf course and as a nanny while others my age were already graduated and starting their careers, not just jobs. I wish people who'd never been through that knew what it felt like to face friends and family when you're ashamed of yourself for not succeeding.

I know that it's something that a lot of people do, especially right now with my generation, but it's still hard to explain to people what happened. I honestly think that's why I took this job out here. Of course I wanted to gain new experiences and see another part of the country, but I think in the back of my mind it was just a way to escape. It was in the back of mind, but I didn't realize that it was actually why I did it. Everyone says I was so brave to do something so radical, but in truth, I ran away. I'm doing exactly what I did before I left: I'm still a nanny. I'm just doing it on the opposite coast. I'm still not certified for anything, no degree, no career options, no experience in any real field, I'm just doing it somewhere different. That's the only thing that makes it seem "cool" or "different". What I do is important to Adele and the kids and I do matter, but I know that I'm not going to be a nanny forever. I'm not going to live in California forever. I know for a fact that this is not my forever home. I do enjoy living here and doing something so awesome, but going back home made me realize how much I really do love the South, how much I love that part of the country and its way of life, and especially how much I love and miss my family. Honestly, if certain things hadn't happened, I would probably finish out this school year with the kids and move back to Alabama. But for now, I'll continue with this new school plan for myself. 

I didn't mean for this post to get so serious, but sometimes my mind just kinda runs away from me! These are just things I've been thinking about lately and felt like getting out in the open. It feels good, y'all! A lot of people think that their life begins when they start their career and such, but I can't think that way, not when I'm living in such an adventure already! I'm living a pretty awesome life, so putting off and waiting for my "real life" to start would be avoiding realityand doing a disservice to myself. This is my life, but it's just a chapter. There's still so much more!!!