Remember That Time?

Remember that time I said I would write more? Well, apparently what I really meant by that was "I'll write when I feel like it". And truth be told, I have not felt like it, not one bit. I will give you an update, though. Last weekend/week, my parents and sister came to visit me and it was fantastic! I missed them so very much and seeing them was such a treat. We did so much in 5 days including exploring San Francisco, exploring Napa Valley, enjoying my quaint little North Bay town of Benicia, massages at our hotel/spa, spent a little time in Oakland, and enjoyed so. much. food. Basically, the whole vacation was planned around food and where we ate. There's so many options when it comes to food in this area and not a single one of our choices disappointed. It was an awesome 5 days and it was as if we'd never been apart. Next time, we gotta get my brother, sister-in-law, and that baby out here when he's a little older :)

Unfortunately, since they've left, I'm experiencing separation anxiety for the first time since I moved. And when I say separation anxiety, I don't mean the kind that a 3 year old experiences on the first day of preschool, I'm talking shaky, on the verge of a panic attack type of anxiety. I didn't realize that's what it was until a friend suggested it. But that's exactly what it was. I wasn't sleeping, I was over-eating, and I was over-emotional. All of this on top of my car/money issues and added with my eating habits had created a monster. And sometimes you just need to cry. And boy did I last night. I've let a lot of stress build over the last few weeks and had kept it bottled for too long. However, a lot of this was relieved last night after talking to my mom and dad for a while. Also, Fiona is finally being fixed and will be returned to me on Friday! This alone lifted such a weight off of my chest. I let a lot of my anxiety go and I feel so much better today. I finally slept through the night (for the most part) and I woke up feeling lighter. Now, the eating issue is a whole other story. I'm not gonna lie to you, I've gained a good 15 pounds back since I moved. I know, I'm ashamed of myself. 

Me and Mom talked last night about how we both need to somehow instill "the fear" within us again. I've spoken before about this fear that used to keep me from eating bad things. This fear of gaining weight from eating one little thing was a major factor in my will power. The fear I'm experiencing now is fitting in all of my clothes. Yes, they all still fit, but five more pounds and they're not gonna. I don't feel good in them. I don't feel like I look good in them. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. I have to get myself back under control before I cross the point of no return. Yesterday was a good start and today will be even better. I've reverted back to my calorie counter app and have dropped my daily caloric intake back to around 800 per day right now. This is what I was consuming when I first started this whole process over a year ago and I think getting back to the roots of this journey will contribute a lot of positive change. 

I'm incredibly disappointed in myself for letting it get this far, but like I said, I haven't crossed into panic land yet. I refuse to buy bigger clothes ever again. I will not go back to a size 10. I will stay in an 8 and only go down from here. I said a long time ago that I will never go back to where I used to be and I am sticking to that ideal no matter what. I hated the way I felt about myself back then and it's slowly heading back in that direction. I don't ever want to feel that way again so I'm stopping this now! Another good goal to keep in mind for myself: not coming home for my visit in August bigger than when I left. How embarrassing! Absolutely not. That is NOT an option. I will NOT do that. So, here's to getting back under control and feeling good again! Join me, won't you?