Still Searching for Opportunity

This new job is wearing me out, but in a great way! I'm loving working in the city, loving getting to explore and hang out with this kid, and actually being able to get outside and do stuff rather than being stuck inside somewhere. We walk around a lot and play, take the dog for walks, and I'm BARTing several times a week which involves about a mile walk from the station to the apartment. I'm getting the same kind of exhaustion I experience from running everyday and that is fantastic! I still feel like I'm not doing enough in order to further my weight loss progress, however. I'm having a hard time controlling my eating as well since every day is different and I'm unable to really fall into a routine. It's kind of turned into just eat what you can when you can. I'm trying, though!

Last week was pretty stressful with figuring everything out with the job such as them moving from one apartment to another, train departure times, when to leave my house, where to park on days I have to get him from preschool, dealing with the dog while he adjusts to the new apartment, etc. But now everything is running pretty smoothly and I'm feeling much better about it all...Now if only I had money...We agreed upon a bi-weekly payment, so I don't get my first paycheck until the end of this week. I'm not gonna lie, I'm almost completely broke. BUT I just have to hold out for a few more days. I have enough gas for the rest of the week and some cash for BART, but I hate the feeling of not having enough money. I haven't been this broke since I was in school. Ugh. Just. a few. more. days. I can do it! 

I'm not sure why it's taken me this long, but I finally feel like I live here. Not in the "I'm just staying here for a little while for the experience" kind of way, but in the "I have a house and a roommate and a boyfriend and friends and job in the city" kind of way. The recent changes I experienced have made my life here feel more permanent. And because I'm actually genuinely happy here now, I miss home a little less. Oh, trust, I still miss home more than I ever thought possible, but it's not in a depressing "I want to move back home" kind of way. 'Cause honestly, I had considered it for a little while. Even before I moved out of Benicia and switched jobs. But I'm proud of myself and maybe even a little impressed with myself for sticking out those emotions and thoughts and actually not quitting something like I have so many times in the past. Huh, I really have changed.

So, a lot of you may know that I auditioned for the role of Eponine in a local production of 'Les Mis' and I even got a call back! But unfortunately I did not get the part. Super sad face. I was offered a spot in the featured women's ensemble, but I'm not sure if I'm going to do it. The rehearsal schedule and such is super time consuming and would take a lot of commuting. Now, for a starring role, my dream role, I would have made it work no matter what, but I'm not sure that I want to put myself through it.... I'm a lot more disappointed about not getting the role than I thought I would be, but hey, I got a call back for a production that had over 400 people audition for with only 7 other girls called back for that particular role. I'm pretty impressed with myself. I don't want to give up on this dream, but it sure is discouraging when stuff like this happens.... It will be my time someday, but until then, I'll just have to keep trying and putting myself out there. 

I truly, honestly feel like performing is what I'm supposed to be doing which may be the subconscious reason for why I'm putting off school and getting a 
real job. I don't want to do anything else. I want to sing for a living in some facet, preferably in theater, and I feel like I'm good enough. I'm not trying to sound cocky, I'm just going on what I've been told :) I'm confident in myself in some ways, but none more than in my ability to sing. No matter how heavy or big I was or how down I was emotionally, singing has never been something that I've questioned about myself. I've always jumped at every chance to perform, any chance to share my gift, any chance to exercise my creativity. I've always felt happiest while performing. That's still something that's always been kind of baffling about my personality...For someone with social anxiety issues, who never liked having too much attention drawn to herself, I love being in the spotlight for something I know that I'm good at. Same with colorguard, I loved spinning and performing those shows because I knew I was good at it and felt confident in my ability. If I could just find a way to do something creative with my gift, I would be the happiest person on Earth. But rejection is just a part of this business and I have to toughen up! 

I feel like there are many reasons that I moved out here, but this could very well be the main one. Nothing was going to happen for me in Alabama, so moving to a place like this, with so much more opportunity, has to get me closer to my dream, right? I'm just going to keep my eyes open, look for more chances, and keep fighting until something happens for me. That's all I can do! I can't sit back and wait for something to come to me, I have to keep looking and working to get what I want, just like how I found my way out of Birmingham. This is true with pretty much everything in life, you have to work hard for what you want, no matter what it is. I wish it would just fall in my lap, but where's the fun in that? ;)

Last Change, I promise! I think….

I realize that the continuing changes in my life have been a bit hard to keep up with, but that's life. Even I have trouble keeping up with myself sometimes…But I'm hoping that this is the last big change for a while…I've taken a different full-time job which starts on Monday. Yeah, I know. So many jobs. But this means I'll no longer have to work more than one job or guess at how many days a week I'll be working. The main reason for the job change was that the other family that I was going to start with in January has had to push their maternity leave back until like the second week of February which means that I'd still be doing just part-time with them until she goes back to work. I just cannot keep doing this. I can't keep searching for other part-time or temporary jobs to supplement the two days a week I'd be working with them. So, that's the latest installment in my ever-evolving life.

One of my favorite things about this new job is that it's in the city! I'm going to be working in the Nob Hill neighborhood of San Francisco and I'm super excited about it! So, I'll still have to commute, but now I have the option to BART into the city instead of drive. For those of you unfamiliar with the Bay area, BART is the public train system that runs from the East Bay into the city and south of the city. It's cheap, it's easy, and I won't have to sit in traffic every morning. I will have to walk about 20-25 minutes from the station to their apartment, but ya know what? I welcome it with open arms. A mandatory session of exercise? Yes please! It won't be a short commute, but with the morning traffic getting over the Bay Bridge, it will honestly end up taking the same amount of time either way. And it is so much less stressful than freeway traffic…I could read on the way to work and that's so much more fun than getting mad about it taking 20 minutes to move 1 mile on the freeway...

Also, this family is actually from Atlanta. How exciting is that?! The mother is younger, probably only a few years old than me, and grew up in Atlanta and has family in Birmingham. We both jumped for joy when we realized that we were both Southern girls :) I went over to meet everyone today and the little boy I'll be hanging out with everyday came down the stairs and just jumped on me with a hug. We're off to a great start :) We played a little, helped put his Halloween costume together, talked with the mother and grandmother who happened to be in town, and the father (they're no longer together, but he is very much still involved in the child's life and will be interacting with me fairly frequently). I'll be working from about 8:15am to 5:15pm Tuesday through Saturday, which is odd, but it works. Having Mondays off may turn out to be amazing, we'll just have to see!

Like I said, I would normally be working Tues-Sat, but they are moving from Larkspur in Marin County (the county where I've been working for the last month) to Nob Hill on Monday, so I'm going to go to the old place Monday morning and hang out with the little one (he's 3, by the way) while mom moves and gets everything settled. I'm totally happy to be helping out and getting started so quickly! Before we ever agreed to anything, I told her about my trip to San Diego for Thanksgiving with John's family (oh yeah, I don't think I mentioned that. That's happening :) and my trip home in December for Christmas and New Year's and she was totally fine with it. That was a big relief since I'm starting so close to the holidays. Look at that, life just falling together again.

Seriously, once again, my life has fallen into place in an awesome way and has been much less stressful. I've gotten so lucky so often lately and I could not be more grateful! I feel like everything that's happened in the last month has been  what was supposed to happen all along and that it was all in the Plan from the beginning. The live-in job got me out here, brought me to John, and gave me an experience to learn from. But this is where I'm supposed to be. I feel secure in my job, have a great house with a roommate I still can't believe that I found, and finally feel independent again. I hate to leave the family I've been helping on the weekends, but I'm looking forward to no more sleeping away from home for work. I'm going to miss it :( But she did tell me that she has some social events coming this month that she could use my help for and I'll definitely jump on those opportunities! So, even though my life keeps changing and evolving quickly and suddenly, it's all been for the better. I literally have nothing to complain about.