Never Say You're "Just" Anything

The last two weeks have been really long. Even with my mini-vacation last weekend, I feel really spent. Adele has had to work a lot and has had many on-call nights which leaves me as a the primary care-giver. I'm just exhausted and ready for a break! Fortunately though, she has quite a bit of time off approaching in the coming weeks and that's a huge relief for me! That means splitting the duties again. Hallelujah! Since starting this job, I now realize just how hard it is to raise children alone. Not to toot my own horn, but if I wasn't here, I don't know how she'd survive! I admire people who do this. I don't think I ever could. With one child, maybe. But with two or more, I'd lose my mind! 

It's stressful, but at the same time, quite rewarding. To know that I'm helping someone in such a big way makes me feel good. And I get paid for it. Sometimes when I'm thinking about my life, I say "I'm just a nanny", but I'm not just a nanny. I'm making someone's life easier, I'm contributing my time and effort to help a woman who helps others. Never say that you're just anything. Whatever you're doing in life, you're contributing to someone, somehow, somewhere. It may not be in a way that you immediately realize, but I guarantee you, someone is grateful for what you're doing. So, don't sell yourself short; you matter. You don't have to be a volunteer at a soup kitchen or build houses to make a difference. There's always something you can do to help someone. Of course, I'm not trying to discourage you from doing stuff like that, I'm just saying you don't have to do something extreme. Just do something, but realize that there's a really good chance that whatever you're already doing is making a positive impact in someone's life.

So, as much as I stress out and want to pull my hair out sometimes, I remember why I moved here in the first place. I turned my life upside down to help someone turn her life back around and right side up. My initial reasoning was to make a change in my own life and start over, but it turns out I had a bigger purpose. I knew that I was going to be helping this woman, but I didn't realize the impact my help would have on this family's every day routine and every once in a while, I get a random text from Adele that reassures me. She'll say something like "as always, thank you for all you do" or "we are so blessed to have you here, thank you again". Getting these kind words helps me to feel that I made the right decision in coming here. Feeling homesick is just an aspect of this life that I'm growing accustomed to, but it doesn't mean it gets any easier. I will miss home for as long as I'm away from it. Heck, I was homesick just living in Jacksonville which was just 90 miles away. But feeling that won't deter me from continuing to live my life and you should do the same no matter what your circumstance. Until next time, have a great day :) "And in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight."

Home Is Where Your Love Is

Atttention, everyone. I finally got a keyboard for my iPad and it is amazing. Best thing I've bought since the iPad itself. Seriously, this really makes writing in this thing a lot easier since I don't have to track down the laptop or type on a touch screen, which, let's be honest, is a pain in the butt. Anyway, first world rant over. It's been raining for 2 days here and I couldn't be happier about it. Yesterday it really rained, so I opened the windows and let myself get lost in the sound. It's mostly just been sprinkling today, but still I can hear it every once in a while and I feel a little comfort. It really is the little things, guys. Learn to appreciate everything in your life, no matter how big or small. 

As I'm typing this on my nifty little keyboard and sipping my coffee, I find myself just wishing for the next few weeks to fly by. I know I've been a bit of an advocate for "living in the moment" and "don't wish your life away", but I just can't help but be anxious to get home for a couple of weeks at the end of July/beginning of August. I can't wait to be in the South, in Birmingham, in real Summer heat, in my house, with my family, meeting my nephew when he's born, seeing friends, eating at all of my favorite places, just everything. The longer I'm away from Birmingham, the more I realize how much I actually love it. I know I used to say that it was a boring place, but now that I've been in other major cities, mainly Oakland and quite often San Francisco, I realize that slow and dull can actually be incredibly enjoyable. Birmingham is home and I miss it. I do love it here, I love SF. Of all of the major cities I've been to, which is surprisingly a good amount, it's by far the coolest and most interesting to me. But it's not home.

But home isn't necessarily a place, it's where your loved ones are. It's where you feel comfort. It's where you feel comfortable. I miss home not only in the sense of the destination and geography, but more in the sense that I miss all of the people in my life. My family and friends are home. I miss being with that home. I miss the convenience of the closeness we had. My closest friends were never more than a few miles away and my family all lives in close proximity. Talking on the phone, FaceTiming, messaging, emailing, Facebooking, etc...It's just not the same. I am so ridiculously anxious to get home. And I mean home in every sense of the word. 

In the four short months that I've lived in California, I've made a life for myself, a good life for myself. I live with a wonderful family, I live in a wonderful town in a beautiful house, I have a great relationship with my employer and with the kids, I have an awesome boyfriend, and I'm enjoying being able to discover and explore new and exciting places fairly often. I have nothing at all to complain about, but I find myself just sad sometimes. I don't like that I feel that way, but when you miss something or someone,  it can really affect you. I promise I'm OK. I promise that I'm doing well, but I really, really, really can't wait to visit home next month. I won't not live in the moment, I'll still enjoy the cool things I get to do out here, I'll savor my time with John on the weekends, but I'm exhausted from anticipation!!! I so look forward to seeing all of you :)

Beach Weekend Recap

This weekend was just what I needed. I started with a pedicure on Friday afternoon, which I haven't gotten in years. That night, I got a new piercing in my right ear, in the part called the rook and I. love. it. I'd been considering getting it done for a while, but hadn't found the time and just kept putting it off, but I finally did it and I'm glad! Saturday morning, I slept in until about 10 which was easier than normal since the kids were at their dad's. When I did finally wake up, I got ready, got my stuff together and headed south to Santa Cruz!

I enjoyed the drive down not only because I love driving, but also because it is an absolutely beautiful area. Mountains all the way down. When I got into Santa Cruz, I quickly found that everyone else had the same idea....There was so much traffic, but when I did finally find a place to park at a less crowded beach, I was able to lay out on the beautiful sand and enjoy the sunshine. It was so incredibly relaxing and beautiful. The sound of the waves (which are significantly bigger than in the Gulf), the sound of the sea gulls, the sound of the kids playing, the warmth of the sun, the warm wind, just everything was so great. The beach was so beautiful. The sky was completely clear, the sun was bright, and the water was gorgeous. I wish everyone had a chance to see this part of the country because the majority of it is breathtaking. I stayed out there for a few hours, as long as a ginger can stand, and collected a few new freckles and a little more color on my skin. It was soooo what I needed. 

After my time in the sun, I drove back north a bit to a town called Sunnyvale which was a really nice place! I checked into my hotel (which was just as cheap as the price might suggest haha), took a shower, got ready and went to find dinner. I came across the historic Murphy Ave. right down the road and it was really beautiful! This street was so quaint and filled with restaurants and shops. I ended up at a place called "Terragon" and I quite enjoyed it. The meal was wonderful, the local California wine was delicious, and the whole atmosphere made for a positive experience. This town's main road is actually the historic El Camino Real and it was cool to know how old the area really is. It was just a cool place.

Sunday, I slept as late as I possibly could then left at checkout. I drove back down to Santa Cruz, but it was super cloudy and gloomy and the wind was a bit too chilly, not preferable weather for a day at the beach. So, I decided to skip it and head to lunch. I didn't feel like waiting in the crowds for all of the restaurants there, so I drove back up and stopped through Sunnyvale again. Why? Because I spotted a Five Guys. I hadn't had a Five Guys burger in probably 6 months, a good while before I even moved. And I gotta tell ya, it was just as miraculous as I'd remembered. Mm. Just so much nom. After my incredibly fattening and delicious lunch, I made the drive back up to Benicia. I got back to my house and kind of relaxed, took a little nap, but then decided I wasn't ready for the weekend to be done yet. I got ready again and drove out to Napa (just a little 20 min drive) and found a little cafe to have dinner in. Quite delicious. 

The best part about this little vacation was the time to myself. It's rare these days that I get any real time completely alone, so those 2 days were just what I needed! Of course, I missed Boy and I can't wait to see him this weekend, but I'm really grateful that I had some time to myself. I feel a little rejuvenated, a little more rested, just lighter. I won't lie and say that I ate healthy this weekend because I didn't. But, I enjoyed myself and I don't feel bad about that :) I'm back at it today and I'm happy to be healthy again, but sometimes you just need to eat good noms and not care :)

Real Summer Is Hard To Come By 'Round Here

I gotta tell ya, guys. I'm doing pretty well. I've been really regimented in my eating for the past couple of weeks, with the exception of a couple of splurge meals over the weekend (including some amazing ice cream from the famous "Fenton's Creamery"). I've kept my caloric intake down to under at least 900 per day. That's a lot better in comparison to what I was taking in over the last few months. I'm not having as much trouble controlling myself lately and I'm so grateful for that. When I do well one day, I'm motivated to do even better the next. All about that cycle. And I just had a really nom omelette for lunch that I'd like to share:
-1 cup egg beaters
-3 slices 98% fat free ham
-1 slice reduced fat medium cheddar cheese
-spray pan with non-stick cooking spray. Cook over medium/low heat
-pour in egg, let cook until mostly hardened, flip over 
-place the ham on top, then tear cheese into strips and place over ham to kind of even out the surface area of the cheese
-fold in half, flip after about a minute
-let sit another minute, until cheese is melted. Add salt if desired. Enjoy!
-205 calories! Very filling without bloating you.

Anyway, so I decided that I'm going to take a little mini-vacay this weekend to the beach. The boy is out of town this week and weekend, I'm off Saturday and Sunday, I have nothing to do and nowhere to be, so I decided to get outta town for a bit. I gotta tell ya, I'm really excited. I booked a really cheap (as in like $50 cheap lol) hotel room for Saturday night and I'm really looking forward to being completely by myself for 2 days. And not mention, spend some time at the beach!!! I'm going down to the Santa Cruz area which is about an hour and a half away. Not too far, but far enough to make a real get away out of it. I just wanna do something different, spend some time alone, get some sun, hear the waves of the Pacific, stay somewhere that I don't have to clean up after myself... :) I just need it. 

Now that I've finally gotten my car back (hallelujah, a couple of weeks ago) thanks to family members helping out, I don't feel so trapped anymore. I don't have to stay home when I don't go to Oakland for the weekend. I can get out and continue exploring California. I feel free again! I'm not saying I'm gonna go crazy and run my poor Fiona to death, but I'm certainly going to take advantage of the fact that I can come and go as I please once again. Another thing that's kind of fixed itself is my homesickness. Of course I miss my family and friends, but it's not quite as achy as it was soon after my family left here almost a month ago. I've now been here for 4 months and it's finally kind of set in that this is my life. This isn't some prolonged vacation, this is my reality now. But that's still kind of hard to wrap my head around. I'm certainly happy with how everything has turned out and I'm grateful that my reality is such a positive one!

The one thing that I never thought I would miss has really started getting to me. I miss Summer in Alabama. Crazy, yeah? Yes. It just doesn't get hot here. And when it does, there's always a cool breeze to be found. Sounds like paradise, but it's really not when you grew up in 100 degree heat with 90% humidity. Yes, I miss the heat. I miss the sounds of the season: crickets, cicadas, frogs, all of those wonderful sounds. I have actually started sleeping with a sound app on my phone that plays those sounds for me. It's incredibly soothing for this Southern girl. I miss daytime rainstorms and thunder storms. I know you're thinking, 'am I reading the right blog? Is this actually Rachel writing this?' Yes, you read that correctly, I miss rain. I miss thunder, I miss the sound of it. I especially miss those late afternoon rainstorms that come out of nowhere. *Sigh*. I'm actually hoping for rain when I'm home in August! I know, right?! Who am I?! But seriously, just one day of hard rain would be heaven for me. When it rains here, it only lasts for about a half an hour at most. And when I say rain, I really mean drizzle. I doesn't rain hard ever. I hear you guys are sick of the rain, but seriously, don't take it for granted. 

So, the point of this post is to tell you that I'm happy. I'm happy with the people in my life, my job, my home, just the situation as a whole. I'm on the up and up with my weight loss journey and I'm proud of myself for righting my wrongs. My mood is good, my sleeping is good, my energy is up, and I'm feeling smiley :) I hope your lives are just as positive as mine at the moment and, as always, thanks for stickin' with me :D

The 'Click' And The Mask

Remember that "click" I've talked about? That one that happens to someone when they just suddenly decide it's time to make a change? It happened again for me on Tuesday morning. I was already starting to get back into the right mindset on Monday, but something happened when I woke up the next day and I'm relieved beyond belief. Like I've said, there's really no way to explain what this "click" is, but I can tell you that when it happens, you know. I'm now having no problem sticking to my daily meal plans and controlling my cravings and portions! Something about that conversation with my mom on Monday (that one where we talked about the "fear") kicked my mind back into the right place!

I've already lost about 2.5 pounds since Tuesday and paired with that good news is the amazing feeling that comes with it. I feel lighter, I feel smaller, I just feel good all around! When I look in the mirror, I don't feel like crying. When I said that I hated looking in the mirror because I didn't like what I was seeing, I wasn't just referring to my appearance, but also my guilt. It was as if I could actually see the guilt and shame floating around my face in some sort of sad aura, the face that I thought looked puffy and fat again. Knowing when you're not eating the right thing can give you a false sense of low self-esteem, as I have discovered. I don't pretend that I haven't gained weight and I don't pretend that it doesn't show, but now that I'm doing the right thing again makes me see the better version of myself that I've so longed to get back in touch with. 

I am proud of myself and I have confidence again that I really can continue to do what I set out to accomplish over a year ago. I have the knowledge, I have the will power, and I have the strength! I hate that I let myself slip backwards a bit, but that's over and done with. I know, I know you're thinking "hasn't she said that before?" Yes, yes I have. The difference this time is that 'click'. Without that, there was no hope for me. I'm not feeling stressed or anxious anymore and I know that I can look only ahead instead of behind me. I had to somewhat retrain myself to be OK with being hungry at times because my stomach is no doubt stretched out. I have to stop and say to myself "it's OK to feel that hunger pain, it's not going to kill you to wait." I'm just retraining myself to be the way that I used to be, when I was stronger. 

On another note, I have tried and fallen in love with a face mask. Because of the stress and bad eating, my skin had broken out a bit and I wanted to find a way to combat it a bit. This mask is easy and completely natural and very rejuvenating. 
Ingredients: 1 egg white and the juice of half a lemon. That's it. Mix the two together and you got yourself a mask. 
The lemon juice acts as an astringent and works to dry up any oily bacteria. The egg white not only acts as the bonding and hardening agent, but also provides protein to your skin that will help tighten your skin cells, even out your skin tone, give it a bit of a healthy glow, and also softens it a good bit. I found it on pinterest, by the way. 
Now, this is what I do:
1. Wash face with warm/hot water. This opens up your pores and let's the nutrients in. Also, your face needs to be completely clean before you apply a mask.
2. Apply mask with fingers. It can be messy, so do this over a sink. Try to spread as much of the egg white out as you can. It doesn't completely mix.
3. Let dry for 20-25 minutes. It does harden, so try not to move your facial muscles too much.
4. After it is completely dried and hardened, wash off with more warm/hot water.
5. Wash face again with cold water. This closes your pores and keeps them shrunken which helps keep bacteria from getting back in. 

Now, I know that this isn't a beauty blog, but I figured I'd share something so awesome with you! I've used it for the past 2 days and have definitely noticed a difference in my skin, especially with the blemishes. They've healed almost to the point of disappearance, my skin is soft, less oily, the coloring is more even, and feels a bit tighter. I absolutely recommend this to everyone! I'm glad that I found something so cheap, easy, and completely natural. If you try it, let me know how it goes for you!

I just want to take a minute to thank all of you for sticking with me lately. I know I've been absent and I've been a little down, but even after my brief hiatus, my last post had more views than I expected. I'm glad you didn't completely give up on me and I appreciate your support! Talk to you soon :)

Remember That Time?

Remember that time I said I would write more? Well, apparently what I really meant by that was "I'll write when I feel like it". And truth be told, I have not felt like it, not one bit. I will give you an update, though. Last weekend/week, my parents and sister came to visit me and it was fantastic! I missed them so very much and seeing them was such a treat. We did so much in 5 days including exploring San Francisco, exploring Napa Valley, enjoying my quaint little North Bay town of Benicia, massages at our hotel/spa, spent a little time in Oakland, and enjoyed so. much. food. Basically, the whole vacation was planned around food and where we ate. There's so many options when it comes to food in this area and not a single one of our choices disappointed. It was an awesome 5 days and it was as if we'd never been apart. Next time, we gotta get my brother, sister-in-law, and that baby out here when he's a little older :)

Unfortunately, since they've left, I'm experiencing separation anxiety for the first time since I moved. And when I say separation anxiety, I don't mean the kind that a 3 year old experiences on the first day of preschool, I'm talking shaky, on the verge of a panic attack type of anxiety. I didn't realize that's what it was until a friend suggested it. But that's exactly what it was. I wasn't sleeping, I was over-eating, and I was over-emotional. All of this on top of my car/money issues and added with my eating habits had created a monster. And sometimes you just need to cry. And boy did I last night. I've let a lot of stress build over the last few weeks and had kept it bottled for too long. However, a lot of this was relieved last night after talking to my mom and dad for a while. Also, Fiona is finally being fixed and will be returned to me on Friday! This alone lifted such a weight off of my chest. I let a lot of my anxiety go and I feel so much better today. I finally slept through the night (for the most part) and I woke up feeling lighter. Now, the eating issue is a whole other story. I'm not gonna lie to you, I've gained a good 15 pounds back since I moved. I know, I'm ashamed of myself. 

Me and Mom talked last night about how we both need to somehow instill "the fear" within us again. I've spoken before about this fear that used to keep me from eating bad things. This fear of gaining weight from eating one little thing was a major factor in my will power. The fear I'm experiencing now is fitting in all of my clothes. Yes, they all still fit, but five more pounds and they're not gonna. I don't feel good in them. I don't feel like I look good in them. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. I have to get myself back under control before I cross the point of no return. Yesterday was a good start and today will be even better. I've reverted back to my calorie counter app and have dropped my daily caloric intake back to around 800 per day right now. This is what I was consuming when I first started this whole process over a year ago and I think getting back to the roots of this journey will contribute a lot of positive change. 

I'm incredibly disappointed in myself for letting it get this far, but like I said, I haven't crossed into panic land yet. I refuse to buy bigger clothes ever again. I will not go back to a size 10. I will stay in an 8 and only go down from here. I said a long time ago that I will never go back to where I used to be and I am sticking to that ideal no matter what. I hated the way I felt about myself back then and it's slowly heading back in that direction. I don't ever want to feel that way again so I'm stopping this now! Another good goal to keep in mind for myself: not coming home for my visit in August bigger than when I left. How embarrassing! Absolutely not. That is NOT an option. I will NOT do that. So, here's to getting back under control and feeling good again! Join me, won't you?