I'll Be Better Soon

Wow, I have just become really bad at updating....I remember when I wrote daily....ah, good times, good times. So, I found a job. A really great job at that. I'm now working with a precious 18 month old little girl named Sunny who lives in the Sunset district of San Francisco, which is close to Golden Gate Park, the Pacific Ocean, Presidio, etc. It's a really nice, quiet area that I'm excited to be traveling to 3 days a week. Yep, I'm only doing Monday, Wednesday, Friday from about 8am to 6:30-7pm. While I will be making enough to live on, I'm in the process of trying to find a Tuesday/Thursday job as well just to fill in my week and make a little extra cash. I'd love to find something close by that would only occupy a few hours on those days, but I'll see what I can find. I'm really happy with this new family and feel that I may have finally found the right one. Their current nanny has been with them since Sunny was 3 months old, so that's a good sign that they're nice to work with. This nanny also had nothing but wonderful things to say about them, so I feel really good! I've worked a training-type shift, babysat for about 4.5 hours Sunday, and am doing another short shift with the current nanny on Wednesday afternoon before I begin officially on Friday. I feel really good about this job and I'm so excited to get started!

The only downside is that the commute is kind of long. However, I really think that I am going to relocate to Oakland (maybe Berkeley) when my lease is up in a few months. I really like living in this house and with my roommate, but I feel that this position is going to be long-term and would like to cut the commute as short as possible. And I mean, hey, living closer to John wouldn't be bad either ;) I am so ready to be making a steady living again. And this time it's for real...No guessing about how long I'll be at work, no more wondering if I'll get enough hours to pay for rent, no more and I'm incredibly relieved. I had a minor breakdown last week after letting all of the stress build up for too long, but I'm much better now, thanks to the amazing people in my life. But the stress has really taken its toll on me emotionally and physically. I haven't been able to motivate myself to exercise, to eat right, to control myself and I'm paying for it. I had 3 headaches over the course of a week, breakouts on my face constantly for the last few months, and stress eating. This is what happens when I don't talk about my worries enough.

I wish that I could find a new way to deal with my stress, but for now I just do what I've always done: ignore it and hope that it goes away. This is the absolute worst way to deal with any struggle. You can't better yourself or your situation without working at it. I know this and I hate that I know this and still do nothing to correct myself. It's one of the many character flaws of mine that I am trying to work on. I find it so much easier to hide, to become even more reclusive, to shield myself from furthering my anxiety. But in turn, the anxiety feeds upon itself from not dealing with it. I have always been anxious and, at times, crippled by anxiety. The problem is that I don't have the energy or motivation to get out and fix it. I need to be running again, to be out there burning calories, burning energy, getting myself back on a normal sleep-schedule, but it is so much easier to let myself stay inside and further my depression. Yes, depression. 

A lot of people think that depression is something that is triggered by a sad event or something like that. The truth is that most people who suffer from depression have a chemical imbalance, often times geneticially transferred throughout generations and I am one of those people. Several of the women in my family suffer from depression and we have all been through some really rough patches of lows. While I do have this imbalance, mine is often brought on by a series of negative events in my life and I subconsciously let things spiral out of control. This time it has come from a combination of being unemployed, being home with family for a long time and then leaving, not getting to spend as much time as I'd like with my boyfriend, not eating right (viscious cycle), not exercising, and feeling unstable in general (too many things floating up in the air). No matter how healthy I am or how happy I am, I will always deal with depression. I can seem happy in person, smile, laugh, carry on in normal conversation, but in my head, all I can think about is how much I'd rather be in my room alone watching a movie instead of dealing with people. I hide it all really well (another reason I believe I'd be a decent actress lol). A true introvert is social, chatty, and personable, but most of us have a hard time getting ourselves out there and into the social situations in general. Once I'm there, I'm all there and love a good time, but psyching myself up to get there in the first place, to actually walk through a door, is really, really difficult. Social anxiety is not a good friend. She's more a frenemy, if you will. 

I apologize for finally giving you an update and dumping all of this sad stuff on you. Sometimes I just have to talk about it, because as I said earlier, I bottle things up and then explode in a breakdown. I mean, I'm discussing this after the fact, but it still feels good to talk about. I'm still not great, but I have a feeling that getting back to work, fixing the way I'm eating, and exercising will really help turn my disposition around. Speaking of eating right, I was surprised to find that I've only gained about 6 or 7 pounds over the last 6ish months. I'm not proud of that, but I thought it would be worse....I'm doing my best, well not really, but I'm going to try to be better. I feel that when I'm like this, all I do is bring those around me down. I hate feeling that way and I really want to change it. I'm trying. I'm breathing and I'm trying. I'll be better soon :)

"...And Tomorrow Will Be Kinder."

It's been a while…I know…So hello, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year! For the last (almost) month, I was at home in Birmingham with my family and it was a wonderful, wonderful visit! I was able to spend time with all of the members of my family and, more importantly, I got to spend time with my precious nephew…Just, ugh. He's so darn precious…I mean, look at that face!!! 


I could not get enough of this kid…Anyway, there was a lot of family time, going out and doing stuff, eating at my favorite Birmingham restaurants, and just being home. But to my surprise, I began to feel homesick for California. I wasn't really expecting to, but towards the end, I was feeling too far away from my house, my routine, and my John. Though, he did come to Birmingham for a few days after Christmas which was really nice :) I finally returned this past Tuesday and am happy to be back to a somewhat normal schedule. 

I will tell you, I'm currently without a job. Yeah, so my employer in San Francisco decided to not have me back but didn't bother to actually tell me as much. After several texts with no reply, I began to look elsewhere. I was planning to do so anyway with things not really working money and commute-wise, but I wish that I had had more warning and time beforehand. I was relieved to not have to go back to a too-expensive commute and waking up so darn early, but I need money, yo. I had an interview with a family in Berkeley Wednesday and am waiting to hear from them, but there's also still the possibility of working full-time for a family who lives in Orinda (which is incredibly close to my house and would be paying a lot…like a lot..). I've spent time with them on more than one occasion, but their start date changed before the holidays and weren't sure they were going to need someone any time soon. However, the mother texted me today and said that they really like me and will let me know about their plans by this weekend. I've been contacted by a couple of other families in the last couple of days, but I want one of these two very badly. 

I gotta tell ya, I'm really tired of my livelihood staying up in the air. I'm tired of searching for new jobs, I'm tired of being lied to by employers, and I'm tired of being stressed about it. I am hoping and praying with all that I am that one of these two jobs will be offered to me in the next few days. The only good thing about not having work is that I can spend time with John on whatever off day he has. That's nice. However, I was smart enough to contact the woman in Tiburon (the night shift nurse I worked for in October that I spent overnights for) about possible work this month and she happened to need someone a few nights this week. I'm not freaking out yet because both of those jobs are still possibilities, but the closer we get to February rent, the more stressed and crazy I'm going to get…

Enough of the bad. I went for a run yesterday, guys. It's been quite a while. As in, I don't remember the last time I went. I did a 30 minute jog/walk, approximately 2 miles, and it sucked and felt amazing at the same time. My roommate actually motivated me when she went out for her own run. It reminded me that I really do love to run and that I miss it. Now that I actually have time, I'm getting back in to the habit, especially now that I won't have mandatory walking to work a few days a week. Also, it feels really awesome outside during the afternoon here, probably close to 60 degrees. Just wonderful. I've also restarted keeping better track of my caloric intake. It's been too long since I paid enough attention to what I put into my system. Over the holiday season, I definitely didn't really care about what I was eating and it was wonderful. But I also didn't go absolutely crazy with it either. It could have been a lot worse, trust. It could have been better. But it could have been worse. 

The real reason I didn't update much over the last couple of months is because I was pretty embarrassed that I wasn't doing well in terms of both eating habits and in my employment status. I'm still proving to myself that I'm stronger than I think I am every single day, but it gets really hard and it gets really taxing to dwell on what's going wrong. And that's why I try not to! Yes, I have to think about my responsibilities and money and such, but I also am getting so much better about not having anxiety about things that I don't have complete control over. I do have control over whether or not I live without fear and anxiety. I've always had a hard time not letting things build up and cause an eventual meltdown, but I'm getting so much better the older I get. There's no use in freaking out over every little thing and I'm always trying to keep myself in check. It helps that I have a wonderful boyfriend who is the best at helping me to forget bad things when he's around. He never fails to make me smile and laugh no matter how down I'm feeling :)

At one point while I was home, I had a thought: "I kinda like my size. I mean, I'm still a size 8, I'm still way smaller than I was two years ago. I don't really need to lose the rest of this. I mean, I don't look horrible. Maybe this is just the point I'm supposed to stay at…"
It was after this thought that I realized that I was becoming comfortable with being a little bigger again and it scared the absolute hell out of me. I immediately wanted to go outside and run 5 miles. I cannot let laziness and complacency dictate how I live and look. I don't want to stay this size, I don't want to continue to feel OK with not reaching my goal, and I don't want to continue to look in the mirror and not feel completely confident in what I see. My clothes still fit, but I'm not 100% comfortable and I'm absolutely not confident in myself. At all. I hate feeling this way and every time it happens I think "why do I keep doing this?!" I don't have to let this happen ever! I look at the pictures from our family photo shoot from last November and I see myself but a better version. I see the Rachel who cared about what she ate and the emotional impact that stemmed from that. I see the Rachel who was radiating with happiness and confidence. When I look at this year's, I don't see that same girl. I see a girl who has done everything she could to angle herself into more flattering poses, who's smile isn't quite as bright, and who's confidence level is down about 65%. I don't want to see this girl in any more pictures or in the mirror. 

I've never been one to make resolutions, but I am one to make goals. So, my goals for this year are simple: get back on track, finish what I started, and continue to live my life more freely. I will not revert to my old way of thinking in terms of stress and negative occurrences. I will reach my goal weight this year and I will continue to adapt to my healthy lifestyle. I fell backwards a good bit with that last part, but my goal is to completely slip back into that lifestyle that I once loved so much. I miss the way I felt knowing that I was eating healthy things. I miss the way I felt about myself. I miss the way I looked at myself in the mirror. I miss feeling good about myself. I don't hate the way I look, but I'm ready to get back to feeling incredible about myself. It's not just feeling good about the way I look, it's more about how I feel about the control I have over myself and my will power. It's about being strong and working hard. It's about pushing myself to be a better person, an inspiring and motivating person. I miss being that person to whom people look for advice about being healthy and getting started. I miss being someone who is admired for her accomplishments. I just miss the way I felt all over when I was that person. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly happy with my life here. When I'm at home, people constantly tell me how envious they are of my life and admire me for doing something different. I'm well aware that my life is awesome, but I'm not completely pleased with every aspect of it. When I finally get completely back on track and begin to feel good again, I will literally have nothing to feel down about in my life. And as we've discussed before, everything is connected. If I feel this good about my life without that aspect at 100%, when it does get back there, I may actually explode. I promise you that I will be that girl again. I won't be that exact girl again because I've grown and changed a good bit since moving here almost a year (seriously? almost a year? Didn't I just move here?!) ago, but I will be a new and improved version :) 

From the family photo shoot :)